starry night

There was a lot about living on the beach for a few days back in California that reminded him of Gemma, especially how they used to take walks on the beach. The ocean waves crashing against his bare feet would always remind him of the way that she looked at him and how he would stare into her eyes and see the ocean; but this time, he was seeing her eyes in the ocean and it was so much more invigorating and, at the same time, so much more soul-sucking. So instead of soul searching, Zach began trying to find ways to cope with the pain of being separated from all that he loved. Sometimes he would sit up at night and shout at the ceiling tiles, dotted with miniature constellations that he’d painted himself out of boredom, “I don’t love her. I don’t.” And each time it was a lie.

He didn’t expect the kiss at all, and if he would have been thinking about it earlier, he would have hoped for it because for him, that meant everything was fixing itself. But he reminded himself that those lips that he always thought about and sometimes dreamed of kissing again weren’t his. They were never his. They weren’t ever going to be his. The Girl Who Had His Heart in the palm of her hands had somehow managed to pummel it, fix it back up, and hand it back to him, or so it seemed. He took a step closer to her, though, pressing his forehead against hers in a bold manner, hoping that this relatively small gesture would show her that he wanted this. Damn, he wanted her so bad.

The whole time he was with other girls, Gemma was the only girl he could really ever think of when he looked up at the vast constellations and reminded himself of home. Because, unlike those other girls he had tried to think about as something more than a rebound or a short fling, The Girl Who Had His Heart was his home and she was his sky, his sun, his moon, his air, and his water. She was the only thing that could keep Zach awake for more than an hour or two and he could spend his whole life trying to pretend like she was his. When he was with Kendall, he thought of Gemma. Cara who? Just Gemma. Zach’s girlfriend? Don’t you mean Gemma? She was the only thing that ever crossed his mind when he thought of the world because she was his world.

The universe. The terrifying, vast, ever expanding universe. That was Zach. Gemma loved him more than the amount of stars in the sky and sand on the beach. When she thought about her future and her past, he was always there. In the past, he was just waiting until the time was right to make himself visible, and in the future he was so bright and so visible she could have been blind and still known he was there.

“I love you,” she said, her heart beating so fast she was sure he could hear it. As soon as their foreheads touched, she knew that if she could keep him this close forever, she would be happy. “I love you so much. I never stopped loving you. Not even for one second. And I’m so fucking afraid you’ll leave again, even though you say you won’t. But Kaley said we’re soulmates. And we are. I know it, down to the core of my soul, I know that you are my soulmate.” Her voice had grown stronger as she continued.

At first when he left, it was only about his mental health and he had just happened to meet a plethora of celebrities and band members; little did he know one he would consider a friend would somehow come in contact with the love of his life and give her a life that Zach never could. And as Zach watched and tried to be happy for her, he couldn’t help but think of how much he hated this friend of his for taking something away from him that was never really his. He was always hers, though, and nobody else could have him and dissect his brain like he would let her do. “I can see that,” he responded in a soft tone, not sarcastically but instead in a sort of uplifting, gratified voice.

After all the shit he’d put himself through, the punk improvement of who he had used to be was unable to decide whether being forgiven or remaining unforgiven would be best. He remembered vividly every fight they’d ever had and how it had hurt them, or how he assumed she was hurt, which only prompted him to let things lay the way they were. He remembered all of the unsent messages he still had saved on his iPhone, burning holes in his pocket as the words scrolling through his brain stung relentlessly. His hair started blowing in the breeze just as his hand reached up to smear the tears dry from his cheeks, hopeful that Gemma hadn’t noticed at all or that she ignored it. He was weak without her. Nothing could cheer him up like she could.

So when she took a step towards him, Zach’s heart started racing and his palms got sweaty as if this was the first time he’d ever seen a girl in his life. And when she touched his shirt, he prayed that she couldn’t feel how fast his heart was pumping and how heavy his breathing was getting. As their lips crashed together, Zach had begun to apologize again, but his words were completely silenced by the familiar feel of her lips against his; but this time, everything was different because he knew that he wasn’t the only one that had been kissing her because not so long ago, Dougie was kissing her. And before Zach there was Duncan. And there were going to be boys after him, too. And everything that was already hurting had started to hurt a little more and everything that was pounding started pounding a little more. His only reaction was to take her hand in his and just hold it like they used to. He just needed something to hold and he was afraid of touching her.

Deep down, she wanted that kiss to fix everything. She wanted it to be her sign of forgiveness, but she still wasn’t sure that she could do that. He left her. He left her and took her heart with him and that was the one thing in the whole world that Gemma was afraid of. Giving her heart away, only for it to be gone for good. But this time, The Boy Who Came Back was standing in front of her, looking as if he was trying to return it. But this time, she didn’t want it back.

The girl stood there, too far away from Zach for her liking, not knowing what to do next. She didn’t want to do the makeup. She didn’t want to hear what -- who -- he’d been doing while he was away. All she wanted was to be able to call him hers again. That was all she ever wanted. When she was traveling, when she was with Dougie. All she wanted was Zach. Zach, Zach, Zach. All she ever wanted, and would ever want, was Zach. She knew that she could lose everything -- the money, the house, her art, her friends. But as long as she had Zach, she knew she would be okay.

He never thought the day would come again where he’d be face to face again with her, let alone that he would have tears streaming down his face or that he’d be left speechless. All he could manage to choke out was a less-than-enthusiastic hey as he retained eye contact with her for a few seconds before turning his head to look out at the ocean. He didn’t bother to ask if he was allowed inside because, if he was, Zach certainly wasn’t going to invade her personal space and prove to himself that she had moved on before he did. “Um,” he managed to stutter, more nervous and anxious than he had ever been talking to her before, “I really didn’t think this through.”

Idiot. Clearly all the words forming in his brain were seeping out into his messy yet clean hair and the ones he was able to think of were too stupid to actually pronounce. This time he couldn’t cover up the mess he’d made of his life that he once had, the life where he’d had everything. He didn’t know what he was going to say or if his brain had the capacity to allow him to say those things, and even beyond that if she would listen to him. “I’m sorry I hurt you. I don’t want you to forgive me, but I just want confirmation that you’re…. Breathing, I guess.”

“I’m breathing,” Gemma confirmed, the words coming out much quieter than she anticipated. She wasn’t one hundred percent sure if she was breathing, though. Seeing Zach knocked the air out of her lungs and made her head spin. God, she’d been doing so well she even surprised herself. The daily thoughts of Zach had dropped to only happening at night and first thing in the morning, rather than anytime she closed her eyes. But here he was, sweeping her off her feet once again.

Did she want to forgive him? Not really, no. But as soon as she opened that door-- no, as soon as she saw that text message, she did. Nothing else mattered other than Zach being home and wanting to see her again. There was nothing she could say to him, though. She was too afraid to open her mouth, for the fear of saying something she wasn’t ready to tell him. They were standing in her doorway, the dress she had on -- the one she wore on their first date -- billowing lightly with the breeze, his outfit making him look misplaced on a beach. She knew, then, that she couldn’t let him go again because they fit. They were messy and weird and probably toxic for each other, but there was no one else in the world Gemma wanted to be with.