world's sluttiest absent father.

the grink was there. it didnt change anything but it still matters that the grink was there.

i love to be the most laidback customer to ever grace an establishment. comrade i will wait one william years for your goods and services

Luke Skywalker put away his targeting computer to destroy the Death Star so I don't need AI to help me write an email.

modern social media should stop offering "sync with your phone contacts to follow them" options and start offering "block all your phone contacts so they never see your account" options

We Are the Daughters of the Microbes Who Could Survive in an Oxygen-rich Atmosphere

in the beginning, the trump assassination attempts were spaced by twenty four weeks. then twelve, then six, then every two weeks. the last one, at the white house, was a week. in four days we could be seeing a trump assassination attempt every eight hours until they are coming every four minutes. we should witness a double event within seven days,

Male loneliness this, male loneliness that. Have they tried lobotomies? Tranquilizers? Being fingered by medical professionals? Tearing the yellow wallpaper off the walls of the attic room where your husband keeps you locked up?

she asks me what dr pepper tastes like and i say not everything tastes like something else

is there anything more humiliating than filling in the 'preferred salary' bit of a job application. grubby victorian workhouse child cap in hand oh guvnah ill work for anyfink! oh if youd be so kind, just a tuppence for me troubles sir, honest only a tuppence!

Soon enough the cigarette emoji 🚬 will go the same way as the real gun emoji and they will replace it with Blue Raspberry Ice Sour Fuck 9000 Disposable Vape

can we remove "biblically accurate" from the general lexicon

nice outfit LOSER. 1443 called but in a dialect of Early Modern English that hadn't experienced the Great Vowel Shift yet so i don't know what it said

I’m giving people until June to get these heated rivalry guys off my phone screen