Yes. The word would have been the only t r u t h f u l answer she could have given, boiled down to its simplest form. But she could not speak it. Not only for the pain she knew it would cause, the twist he was sure to place upon the response, rendering it’s meaning something else entirely. But also in hesitancy to accept it as fact, despite three years of convincing herself, reminding herself with all the power of her will and a mind filled with psychology textbooks and experience. With understanding.
But it had been easier to accept in his absence.
The worst, however, was the certainty that he would not understand. That in his mind it would become a commentary on him, run through the gauntlet of paranoia, of fears. In some way, perhaps, a declaration that he could not or should not be loved. The reality was so much more complicated. Burdened by fear on both ends, by people and events and c e r t a i n t i e s that lay beyond his control and yet revolved inescapably about him.
It took all her strength not to turn away, avoid his gaze, pull together fragments of thoughts and unraveling surety ( she should have known this would happen, that if she stayed to explain all she had known in his absence, all that she had analyzed and become sure of, would disintegrate ). She drew a shuddering breath, then pulled herself together behind the facade of professionalism, in which her own emotions could hold no sway. Should hold no sway.
Gaze fell upon the couch, and she gladly sank onto it, uncertain of her own stability. A gesture that he should join her, a pause, another breath. ❛ I think… that loving you, that being loved by you, is quite possibly the most dangerous thing anyone could do. Not, ❜ she hastened to add, ❛ because of you. But everything about your life, your family’s past… It comes back to haunt. I mean… look what happened to me, Klaus. I d i e d by my own hands under Aurora’s compulsion. Not for anything I did, but because of how you felt. I lost my life my human life. And before I even knew up from down, before I knew who I was anymore, I lost you too. You ran. ❜
She understood, carried no ill-will towards him for the n e c e s s i t y of his departure, and yet it was truth. But there was more yet to be said, though she paused long enough to draw in a breath once more. ❛ And with you, with your family… there’s no escaping the fact that something like that could, and likely will, happen again. ❜
❛ And I’m afraid, Klaus. I can’t go through that again.❜
