Living With Devils

{Sawyer closes his eyes briefly, wishing for what seems like the millionth time that things were different, that the feeling of her lips on his skin could excite him again and not make him sad instead.} That much faith in me? {He says, in a bit of disbelief. He never meant to get so close to Rose but he never expected that she had gotten that close with him too, it was a lot to take in. Someone he didn’t want to disappoint or to push away, he hadn’t had that since forever. He smiles sadly at the ground.} Guess you’re right.

That much faith in me. [She tries to tease.] I'm hard not to love. [The light had faded rapidly from the sky and they were still several miles away] How're you holding up? You lost a lot of blood.

I’m not going to lie and say that wasn’t my intention, the sleeping with you part. {He said, a smirk on his lips.} But if I don’t share things.. its only because I’m not good with that kind of stuff, I never really was around so many people till this. But I’m trying not to be such a detached dick, it’s a work in progress. Almost dying helps a bit. Okay, good, that’s all I ask. The last thing I want to do is hurt you.

Hey... it was mine too. [She said, placing a small kiss on his shoulder.] Sawyer, I don't know how many ways, how many languages I have to say it in. I'll wait for you. I'll wait for you to not turn into a zombie, to learn how to share with me, to... to fall in love with me. I'll wait. You're worth waiting for. [Rose laughs quietly, shaking her head.] Oh, sun god... We were always meant to hurt each other.

I know. I thought it’d be voluntarily by you to be honest. {He said, a ghost of a smile on his lips.} More than anyone else has though. {He was dreading the night, whenever they’d get a chance to sit down and it would all flood to the surface, this whole day, the nights were always when the withdrawals hit the hardest too, if he didn’t get his fix it’d be a long one. The feeling of her lips on his hand soothed him and brought him to the present, at least they had made some distance although it was quickly becoming dark.} I am, I’m trying to, but I also need to know you’ll make it back safely, I need that.

[She laughs softly] Clearly you don't me. There's no way I'd voluntarily leave you... I did think for a while that... Well that you'd just sleep with me. That I'd have to protect myself, because I could give you all my heart and you wouldn't give me a particle of yours. [Rose sighed softly, closing her eyes, though she wished she hadn't, because when she opened them, she found that the light outside was as dim as her closed eyes.] Sawyer, the second you turn, I'll kill you, I promise, and I'll spend every moment afterwards surviving. But I'm not letting you go until I absolutely have to.

I figured, I just don’t like talking about it.. or thinking about it really. It’s always at the back of my mind though, always pushing to be the most important thought. Don’t put that responsibility on yourself, it’s not easy but don’t think you didn’t help.. you did. {He squeezed her hand giving her a sad smile, his voice low.} I am, believe me I am, I’m just scared, to hope.

And it's fine. I'm not going to force you to talk about it. I just thought I'd be here when you were... I didn't think... I always knew I'd lose you or you'd lose me... I just didn't know it might happen this fast. Not enough. Not as much as I wanted to. [She sighed softly, lifting his hand to her lips before dropping it back to her side.] Fight... fight for me, Sawyer. Believe you'll stay long enough for me to love you. That's all I need, and I'll be here. I'll be right here, Sawyer.

What the actual fuck, is literally no one worried about the fact there’s walkers, trying to break down this fence? 

Why do you think no one's around, I think everyone's grabbing weaponry. That's where I'm headed anyway.

{Sawyer almost couldn’t listen despite it being him who brought up the subject first. He just hadn’t expected her response to be this.. he had expected her to laugh and say that he ruined everything, that he almost got her killed several times and he didn’t deserve her because it would all be true. But not this, he knew how to deal with that kind of reaction, was used to it, but this was something that made him want to be alive for the first time in forever.} Rosalie- {He reached out to pull her in but thought better of it and stopped his hand.} I’m so sorry, and not for us, I could never be sorry about wanting you, but for all of this. My life was.. never filled with much love. Love was a needle to the vein for me. It was toxic, but you showed me it didn’t always have to be. You.. gave me that feeling without all the bad that came with it, so thank you. {He finished, not able to look her in the eyes.}

I could tell, y'know... when you hinted at it when you gave me your cigarettes... I just hoped maybe we'd be close enough one day where... I could start helping you not need any of it so much. [She rubbed her arms.] That's why I fight so hard when I'm with you... because I've just... held out hope that if we could both just live past this... You would actually want to... We could have... never mind. [Rose walked forward, her chest cavity feeling empty and hollow. But she stopped and took his hand, twining their fingers tight.] I don't want the last moments before... if you change to be you thinking I hate you. I don't. Not even close, Sawyer. I just... I can't accept being near someone who won't spend every moment fighting to survive... And it hurts, because I'd do anything if you'd just survive this...

Yeah, I know. {Sawyer said quietly as they began walking again. He didn’t voice his thoughts this time, not wanting to make things worse. But if they ran into anymore trouble he knew he didn’t stand much of a chance and he wouldn’t bring Rose down with him. After a few moments of silence he glanced over at her, biting his lip.} If they were to be, I don’t want the last things that we said to each other to be what they were before. It’s okay if you hate me now, it’s okay, I get why, but I don’t regret meeting you, even if I.. I just don’t, alright?

[Rose's lips tightened into a small line when he brought up that they may be saying their last words to each other. She wanted to hurt him, to say something stinging and wound him as deeply as she'd felt... but if he did die - though she refused to believe he would - she'd never forgive herself.] I thought I could fall in love with you. Eventually, one day, I thought I'd love you. [She shrugged, trying to downplay whatever she just said.] So if I have to kill you, I just need you to know that. That if I was given the chance, I would've loved you. 

{Sawyer gets up slowly looking up at the sky and the sun setting before he points to their right.} It’s that way. {He says, offering her his good hand to help her up.} Think we’ll make it before dark?

[She takes his hand, but releases it instantly.] No... we won't. And I know you feel decent now, but... you lost a lot of blood and ran a hell of a lot. The adrenaline, must have you in denial right now, but... We just need to move fast, and I think we can make it at some point tonight...

{Sawyer relaxed once he saw her inhaling, patting her back as she coughed. He glances at his bicep once she mentions it, the cloth is wet from the water but still intact and most of the blood has washed away now, it hurt but it was pain he could deal with.} It’s fine, don’t worry about me. {He looks around at their spot.} We need to get out of here it’s not safe. Are you okay?

[Rose grabs her inhaler and slips it back into her quiver pocket, taking a moment to collect herself before nodding, not quite able to look at him.] I'm fine. You're right. We have to keep moving. Camp's at the edge of the river, but now I'm not sure which way.

{Sawyer only closed his eyes for a moment but it seemed like forever as his thoughts ran wild even though his body was drained of any energy he once had. The only thing he kept going back to was Rose, hoping she was okay, hoping she made it back alive. It was the right thing to do, let her forget about him, like ‘he didn’t exist’, that was the safest choice for her. The heavy weight of sleep was threatening to take him under and he’d probably bleed out here in the forest if he didn’t try to fight it. Fighting, it seemed so futile now. They were never prepared enough, never strong enough or safe enough, the odds were always against them. At least he fixed his mistake before it was too late. His breathing slowed and that’s when he heard the splash of the water and he jolted up, alert as his eyes fluttered open and he saw a body not too far from him on the ground. Rose. She was having an asthma attack. Sawyer cursed as he forced himself up into action despite the protest of his sore muscles, closing the distance between them and falling down onto his knees besides her. His hands shook as he pulled the quiver away from her body, frantically opening the pocket where he knew her inhaler was. He brought it up to her lips, supporting the back of her head with his other hand.} Come on Rose, breath, breath. {He instructed, pumping the medicine for her.}

[Rose held his hands like they were a lifeline, pulling the inhaler to her lips and inhaling, holding the medicine in her lungs to release the tightened passageways. When she released, she coughed hard, curling up as she forced herself to take in oxygen, gasping.] Sawyer... [She managed to get out between hard coughs.] Your arm...

Because.. I can’t talk about this right now. {He says, stopping himself from saying anything further. Now was not the time, or maybe it was.. if he was going to die, but he couldn’t bring himself to say more. He glances over at her and immediately wishes he hadn’t because he wants her so much closer but he knows he needs to stay away.} I’m not dead yet. Yeah, I.. I guess, it only ended in disaster though didn’t it? I should’ve put out the fire that night. I could really use that cigarette now. {He said, always managing to joke even in the worst of situations, it was the only way he knew how to deal with it. Sawyer looks back at her, searching her eyes, there is so much he wants to say, he wants to tell her to stay, or to run, but by the time he forms words she’s gone. He leans against a tree for a moment trying to ignore the head rush he gets and squeezes his eyes shut, opening them when he hears explosions. The river is right by him and he looks at it before turning away, running towards the sound. When he finds Rose it’s not good, there are several Suiciders in between them and there’s no way he could shoot them now without risking killing them both.} HEY! {He screams at them without hesitation, when only one turns he holds the gun in the air, shooting once. This get’s their attention and they turn to him, interested now.} COME ON FUCKERS! {They start towards him and he runs back where he first thought of it, stumbling down the side of the bank into the river. Despite his condition he knows he can do this, didn’t go through weeks and weeks of drills for nothing. He swims around the bend of the river quickly, only glancing back once before the turn to make sure he was being followed. Then the large river drainage pipe appears and he climbs into it ignoring the fear of the darkness and risk of more infected being inside. But the smell is so strong he knows it will mask his blood, he takes a few steps in letting the shadows engulf him and crouches down, lying flat when he hears the moans getting louder. It feels like forever as he holds still, not daring to breath as they stumble past the opening of the pipe. A few more seconds and he lets out a breath, turning and standing up anticipating the heavy steps in the shallow water he hears coming from the opposite side of the tunnel. The walker appears out of the shadows and Sawyer is relieved that its not something more deadly. He dodges the walker and knocks it to the floor, bringing the gun up to his head to shoot but thinking better of it and slamming it down instead, crushing its skull. He stumbles out of the river pipe covered in blood and musters up the last of his strength to wade across the water and crawl out, sitting up against a tree he closes his eyes from exhaustion.}

[As soon as he said that their time together was a disaster, that he would've put the fire out the first night, she went into her pocket and pulled out the cigarettes.] Then take them. Have as many as you want. Don't worry, after all this is done, I plan to act as I would've if you had put out the fire. Like you don't exist. [She can't wait for him to figure out what he wants from her, to stay at his side or leave it, so she makes the choice for herself as it always should've been. What would be best for her survival? Alone. She'd only joined the group for strength in numbers during travel. And now she ended up in a worse state than if she'd been alone. Because she let her guard down and cared too much. She was going to die for thinking she could love a quitter.] SAWYER, NO! [Rosalie cried out, her heart stopping in that moment as she watched him, low on blood and ammo, trying to run away from a horde of explosive zombies. And now they were too close to him to shoot. She climbed down the tree as fast as possible, shooting Suiciders farther away before trying to figure out how to deal with the rest of them. But by the time she finally got down to the ground, they'd put a lot of distance between, them and Rose had to sprint to catch up. She couldn't hear Sawyer anymore, just the moans of the Suiciders and splashes of water. By the time she got down to the river, Sawyer was nowhere to be found until she saw him crawl out of the drainage pipe, wade, and collapse.] No. [She whispered, thinking he was dead. Sprinting towards the narrowest part of the river and swimming as fast as she could, she nearly got to him before her chest tightened from the exertion, and she collapsed on the shore, gasping and writhing in pain and panic. Her hands fisted in the grass as she fought for each breath. Her only companion, seemingly dead, and her quiver twisted too tightly around her in her mad sprint for her to pull off and grab what she needed. Her body naturally curled into a ball, trying to force all the air she needed through air ways that constricted and refused to loosen.]