( ꩜ ᯅ ꩜;) 

about mee :3

Thomas or Anya (idc), it/he/ae pronouns, triple earth sun moon and rising signs, queer + trans, autistic, in general there are many things wrong with me lol and i will likely be yapping A Lot about them on here.

other than what im actually diagnosed with, most of my shit is only suspected. However ive been doing extensive autistic-level research for 5 years regarding what is wrong with me and a lot of them have been present or in milder/masked forms for at least a decade. these include but are not limited to a few trauma-based disorders (dissociative shit and a phobia), some physical conditions, and ofc some genetic shit. yippee!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! /j

I'm also Doukhobor :3 I would lov so much to talk to other Doukhobors that aren't my family 😫🙏 there are so few of us lmao (at least where i live)

stuff on this blog:

i am pretty much just yapping about things that are going on in my life or other shit or whatever idek. general tw for this blog. but also im just a 24yr old queer autistic cunt trying to adjust in this fuckass shit. i like weed, crochet, metro/light rail transit systems (i am mapping All Of Them), music, genuinely cursed and very specific shit (for example my in-progress cyoa called Goofy's Bar Crawl Adventure: Fuck, Marry, Kill), diy slavic-engineering-type shit bc i am queer therefore i have the audacity, being angry about things, general arts/creative shit i love when ppl make things, tattoos n body mods, recreating my hyperrealistic interconnected dream world in minecraft, youchewb, dragons n dinosaurs ofc, and loving my friends. welcome to my blog.

PLEASE DNI: minors, those old enough to be my parent, conservatives/republicans/fascists/anyone w or supporting those political ideals/opinions/people/etc and -isms associated w these groups, or ur vibe is just personally uncomfortable. Accounts with no (at minimum general) age indication, blank accounts, those with only bot-like nsfw content, etc., general reasons, and anything from the previous list will be blocked <3

im not trying to villainize you. that is not my goal, and im sorry if that's how it came across. im just trying to get you to see the entire picture rather than just your side. of course you didn't deserve that treatment, but i have already discussed this with you and apologized several times. bc of your "i already know" bullshit, my stuff has not even been allowed to be acknowledged ONCE.

again, im not trying to change the narration, or manipulate my version of events, or anything like that. why does everyone always think im trying to do that (/gen)? i have always been able to see the whole thing from both sides, that is how my brain processes things (finding the root to try and understand it). that is part of how bottom-up processing works.

every single time i try to express how someone's behaviour hurt me, usually a notable amount of time later because it takes me a bit to realize things like this (bc of, yknow, cptsd + dissociative disorder), the other person starts getting upset with me for trying to 1) explain where im coming from and 2) explain that i genuinely understand where they are coming from and i don't get why this always results in this weird fight about how im accusing them of something. im trying to have a fucking discussion about something and it always has to loop back to how you were hurt more bc of whatever the fuck.

this isn't a contest, jackass.

im not trying to make this about me. im trying to include myself and my experience in a discussion from which i have systemically removed by you and replaced with my villainization. you have completely disconnected me from anything social within our own SHARED community because of this narrative. did you tell people about how i had to break my single hard boundary the very first night? or about what happened with N? or about the snow storm that cancelled our flight while we were at the gate and you got upset with me for not being able to handle it well? because im autistic??

im disabled too. yes, i agreed to be your caregiver, and i was mentally prepared for it to be challenging. what happened on that trip was not something i could have possibly prepared myself for, and the amalgamation of everything made it significantly more difficult for me to do that. im sorry i made recovery harder on you, but i literally asked for at the very least a singular night sleeping by myself, and you only ever responded with "it's not my room" as if that's not why i asked you to ask.

the smallest little things i needed and tried to obtain despite the shitshow around us were denied for no fucking reason the entire two solid weeks i was there. i am not a professional. i do not have the capacity to be able to have done that trip with everything that happened. i had to deal with everything completely alone while being blamed for having to deal with something at all.

do you understand what im trying to say here? im trying to a) explain what happened and b) talk about what could have been done differently. and then you shut it down bc neither of us are the fucking "victim" or "villain" in this, this is not that kind of situation. what have you been telling your friends? what have i apparently done to you, judging from you completely removing any context that justifies my actions? how have you justified it? have you been using the same vocabulary from the list of bullshit my mom call(ed/s) me? do you do the same thing my parents do, which is reconstruct your version of reality that is the least painful for your ego (/neutral i cannot express enough that this is a neutral question ik you dont believe me but neither does literally anyone when we get to this fuckass standoff stage that has no reason to be here)?

i will not relive my childhood as an adult. i refuse to be treated the way you continue to treat me simply because the addition of the justifying context wrecks whatever you've figuratively built. can you not at least discuss it with a therapist? this is what my first abusive ex did to his former best friend (also an ex) to get people to turn against them. (that one's more extreme bc he fully flipped the situation, but half-truths and lying by omission is still manipulating the situation)

and guess what? they are ALSO the only people who wouldn't have to face the realities of their actions towards me and how they fucked me up. every other person i have had a falling out with was bc they did something i was not going to sweep it under the rug or let time wash it away. bc, yknow, it deeply hurt me.

but nooo it hurts more for them to acknowledge and reflect upon bc they also have to come to terms with their constructed/artificial reality not being reality. bc they have to stop dissociating from these different "sides" of themselves and accept what actually happened. but also bc that artificial reality involves dissociation from other things (like your own biases/bigotry, racism, sexism, misogyny, etc. but like. stuff that you are openly against but you know there is a layer deep down that is still holding on to the harmful ways we've all been individually socialized depending on circumstances) that they have a very difficult time accepting.

substack has a terms of service thing you can create specifically for your work. at the top, im literally putting that the documents are laced with data poisoning docs (or whatever theyre called; i need to do more research lol) and that they will break whatever you use for ai if you try to feed it my work. and im going to put it on my profile or whatever. AND written in every single piece (either as a disclaimer, or footnote, or whatever. ill figure it out).

and i guarantee you that i will still get people telling me i broke their shit despite that warning being literally all over my work.

and the tunnel that goes from Parliament building in downtown Ottawa approx. 30km directly to the Diefenbunker for the Prime Minister and other government officials.

and the fact that it's "decommissioned." my mom, sister, and i always believed that it is actually fully-functional in case of emergencies (which we seem to be approaching in the coming decade). personally, i always believed that there's only part of the Diefenbunker that's open to the public and that there are closed-off floors/sections we aren't allowed to visit / supposed to know about.

anyways watching the Danny Gonzalez weird houses video and it got to the bunker part and i was like ohh yeah the massive 5-storey decommissioned underground nuclear war bunker a 30-min drive from my childhood home

this is literally what it looks like from the outside btw ^^ like the Citadel in Hfx, it is designed to be invisible from an outside POV.

@ ppl who just discovered and are now obsessed with it and would/have waited in line for one: you know this product has been around for over a decade, right?

like. i get the hype. i really do. i have two needohs myself. the thing is is that i bought them approx. a decade ago when i discovered them in a Chapters.

why the fuck are yall waking up and waiting outside a store ungodly early so you can snatch up a handful of needohs? genuinely? can you not just put in a personal order with the store (like w Walmart, or curbside pickup, etc) so you don't have to stampede each other?

but no. she was like ":D 🥺🥺🥺 that's such a special relationship, you guys must be really close, it's really cool that you're able to communicate like that." THAT IS THE FIRST TIME ANYONE HAS BELIEVED ME ABOUT MINE AND MY BFS COMMUNICATION AND ACTUALLY RESPONDED ACCORDINGLY. YES!!! IT IS REALLY COOL AND SPECIAL THAT WE CAN TALK LIKE THAT, UNDERSTAND EACH OTHER (to a degree), AND HE TRUSTS THAT I WILL KEEP DOING THAT FOR AS LONG AS HE NEEDS!!!!!!!!!!!!! IT IS A TRUST THING!!!!!!!!!!!!! THANK YOU!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! FUCK!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

the only way i can get my parents to believe me is for us to reunite or talk on the phone or whatever. not the specific way HE needs, no, it's the way my PARENTS need. just like every single time. no matter how much i explain, they do not listen unless 1) they know/have looked it up themselves, or 2) cannot possibly prove me wrong. and the second is iffy bc most of the time they'll try gaslighting me.

when i told my pt about this, + some fun examples (/s), she was like "okay, so why are you still talking with these people?"

well

that's a complicated answer

and now one i have to think about

i was trying to not think about it until at least the next few yrs, or until im at least no longer financially dependent. i have too many things im trying to deal with rn. i genuinely have to dissociate from this thing bc if i start unraveling it now im going to lose my shit. even though i am remembering things that make that increasingly difficult, i HAVE to for the next 3 years.

not sure where this went but. im grateful for my pt. so so much. apart from my bf, the ppl who actually believe me bc they know im well-researched are my MEDICAL CARE TEAM (which is insane and is usually the other way around rn). i talk SO much with my pt about my trauma and she's always like "thank u for being so open 🥺" and im just there like "ya this is what i talk about to myself for hours in my room" which is btw yes verbal processing but also my own fucky way of legitimately doing EMDR. she just. Listens. and she believes me. bc there is no negative consequence for her if she Does take me seriously. AND SHE UNDERSTANDS THAT IT'S A REALLY COMPLICATED SITUATION!!!!!!!!!!!! AND I DONT HAVE TO JUSTIFY IT TO HER BC THERE IS NO FUCKING PUSHBACK!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

however that's what i was BORN to do. ive already done that all throughout grade school + my family and turned myself into a societal black sheep. ive already forced the hospital phone operators in my city to retrain bc they let me through the dr line (and almost did it a second time).

what the fuck man. VOLUNTARILY.

but i must. for my people.

im so grateful for my physiotherapist. she's owner of the clinic, AND she has experience with ppl w EDS. ive recommended her anonymously in my city's queer facebook groups bc she's also very trans-friendly. INCREDIBLE at her job, i get SO many needles 😎😎 she does them DEEP and FAST and ugh it's amazing. we go over my traps around 3 times each session bc they start retightening.

the question: ive read that a lot of physios only do 6 needles, or some other very low amount. is that true??? like, 6 acupuncture-like needles for over 100$ before insurance????? that's actually so fucking insane and you SHOULD be pissed off about it bc they are capable of doing WAYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYY more than that. like. are you actually kidding. that was what i did when i FIRST started dry-needling just to get me used to the pain, but then my physio switched over and now i get the good shit. your pts should be doing that. they are 1000% ripping you off if youve been doing dry needling for a while and are still getting less than 10 needles per session.

my pt and i easily go through 50 needles in a session bc THEY ARE LITERALLY THE EXACT SAME NEEDLES AS USED IN ACUPUNCTURE.

MOST PPL WITH CONNECTIVE TISSUE DISORDERS ARE STRUCTURALLY HELD TOGETHER BY MUSCLE KNOTS. YOU N E E D MORE THAN HOWEVER MANY YOUR PT HAS CONVINCED YOU IS OKAY.

YOUR ENTIRE BODY IS A MUSCLE KNOT. SIX NEEDLES DO JACK SHIT.

be my guest to share this post w your pt if this would genuinely help. you are chronically ill with a condition most medical practitioners do not understand and you NEED to advocate for yourself. you're allowed to push back against their opinion is you think it's wrong. for example, 6 needles being sufficient for pain management treatment is so, so far from correct that i struggle to find the reasoning for it apart from it being lack of experience or being nervous to hurt you.

@ your pt: you're literally fine. i do not feel most of the needles i get bc of how tight my muscles are. your patient needs the care they deserve, and if you are unwilling and unable to provide that, then why did you become a physiotherapist in the first place? this is your job. knowledge is advancing more rapidly than the medical system can keep up with. guess what? you are not the medical system. you are a human being with patients who deal with this thing you do not understand every day of their lives. your unwillingness to learn how to properly treat them is only stunting your personal growth and building a rift between you and those patients for no fucking reason.

if you don't already, please try to get physio w someone who has experience working w connective tissue disorders, or a lot of experience in general, with dry needling specifically. significantly easier said than done, i know. your current physio (or others that work there) will likely have connections or at least know of someone, so just keep going through the connections, and the connections' connections, bc you WILL eventually find someone that way.

im not sure where this post went but oh well have a good day everypony and remember:

YOU DESERVE PROPER MEDICAL CARE. ADVOCATE FOR YOURSELF. ASSERT YOURSELF. MAKE A STRONG PAPER TRAIL. FUCK EVERY SINGLE PERSON WHO TRIES TELLING YOU YOU'RE FAKING.