“and like that, the moon was gone...🌑”

and now mourning is political, too.

i'm so sorry, murry foust. i keep thinking about how tired you must have been. how tired all of us are. how humiliating it is that even when we die alone, people still laugh and debate whether we deserved to live a happy, dignified life at all.

there are trans kids online right now learning your name – and the names of juniper blessing, lucas redbeard knapp, aleanna belcher, and davonta curtis – through grief. through fear. through that horrible, familiar ache of "that could've been me." and i hate that this is part of our inheritance from one another. not just chosen family and resilience and beauty – but memorials. vigils. apology letters to ghosts.

if your first response is a tense "i mean, theyre not that bad", or "i mean, theyve done so much for me" the answer is no, you do not hate them enough. hate them more. occasional acts of kindness do not make up for everything else. no, not even that one. your hesitance is a survival tactic. i do not blame you. there is no shame in it. but it is a survival tactic. do not blame yourself. do not cast yourself as an ungrateful villain. who does that benefit? who is the one benefiting from your blame absorption? who is the one benefiting from you excusing their behavior? who is the one benefiting from you granting forgiveness for all those years of suffering over a favor? over human decency?

My mom told me a story today about how, in her last semester of high school, she had 4 study halls, calculus, and PE. She told me she skipped her study halls and just showed up for calculus and PE so she could graduate. She told me on her senior skip day she went to the lake with nearly her entire class.

I'm not saying this is like, incredibly awesome and educationally productive, but she was a teen. And she did teen stuff.

My school doesn't have study halls. Punishments for absences start once you dip below 95% attendence rates. 3 tardies count as an unexcused absence. We got several emails about how senior skip day was not approved and that anyone caught to be participating would get in school suspension. 45 minute lunches are a "privilege". Skipping class is an in school suspension, which are sent along with grades to colleges you apply for. Speaking of which, the majority of my classmates are still spending hours everyday studying, and failing that, doing part-time jobs, clubs, sports, and volunteering -- all in hopes of getting into the college they want.

Everyone is fucking wiped! Barely any of us enjoy school (+or life, to some extent), many of us are actively suicidal because of school. One of us didn't make it to graduation. This is seen as an "us issue", a matter of mindset (don't worry! Today's quote of the day is another variation of "good mindset = good day, bad mindset = bad day"!!) Most places actively bar or discourage teens from being there (hanging out in a mall = loitering, no minors allowed without parent supervision basically everywhere, walking around with no real goal is "suspicious", etc etc). When we stay inside and go on the internet, we are told that we are the problem, we need to stop spending so much time online, and the solution is social media and phone bans. As if excessive use of electronics by younger people isn't a symptom of a much larger issue. As if bans will solve the problem. As if we like spending our teenage years scrolling.

My friends tell me how their mom took their inheritance money and bought a car. How their dad flipped their shit, verbally and physically, when they dyed their hair. I read stories about people getting messages from online friends that say "I think my parents found out I'm queer" and then never hearing from them again. Have you ever read about the troubled teen industry?

And that isn't even, like, the basics!!! That's barely even scratching the surface!!