I think I’ve decided on taking her to town hall to see if there’s a lost and found.

Forum post sure won’t hold up in court, either. Anyway, I’d absolutely never do any of the things I’ve hypothetically talked about because that would probably be assault and battery. And I’m nothing if not an angel.

Are you sure about that? I mean, there’s an IP address, and your comments here that be traced back to whatever device you’re working on. The miracle of modern tech, of course, is that it’s highly traceable. But, like, sure, sure. Seems legit. All watermelon throwing individuals are just saints.

I’d tell you that that’s impossible, because I’m actually the head of the NSA. And you’ve fallen directly into my trap. That’s true, but wouldn’t you rather ask an expert? Well, let me tell you: I am a person who would definitely never tamper with evidence or allow personal bias to stand in the way of truth. Trust me here. Yeah, I’ve seen that guy. He’s […] certainly a person. I think.

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Lies and deceit :/ We can’t both be the head of the NSA. That’s just impossible. How do you know you haven’t fallen into my trap? I don’t know. Like I said, by the conglomerate term of “everyone,” all people should be an expert. Okay, see, you can say those things, but, like, where’s the proof, you know? Haven’t seen it. Wouldn’t know. He’s a guy. What’s the saying? Just a little dude? A little dude that’s about to get forced to wear a fucking shirt. That’s right, buddy, I hope you fucking see this. I’m putting you in fucking shoes next.

It really is like that. :/ One day my comedic genius will be appreciated. 

True. It wasn’t a villain song though. I don’t know if the new Disney movies still do those. I agree on that one that and books are really nice to carry around. I can always have a book, but I can’t always talk to someone you know? 

Don’t hold your breath. Humor is an unappreciated art here.

[pm] Huh. Okay. I’ll give it a shot.

Yeah, it’s definitely an 8/10. You were deducted two points for being mean to me, though. Automatically makes your hair duller.

[pm] It’s good.

Can’t get arrested for saying I might do something… 

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You know, you’re not wrong. Technicalities are the best way to get out of anything.

Uh, I just said they were classified. You don’t have the clearance. Only the head of the NSA gets to see these documents. Well, you could ask someone who doesn’t know me, but they might not be in the know, you know? I said know way too many times there, but it’s fine. I’d never give you a biased list. What do you take me for? Yeah, for sure. The most relaxed.

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What if I told you I was the head of NSA? Then you’d be obligated to show me the documents, but your own words. But someone that doesn’t know you would still be in the know since they qualify under the umbrella term of everyone, you know? But how can I be certain you wouldn’t? I only know you as the person with an almost perfect taste in pizza. I don’t know what to take you for at all. So relaxed. Just ignore the guy that tries to get in without a shirt on. He’s been Pavlov’d into keeping on his pants, and I’m, like, one more visit away from just gluing a t-shirt to his body, so it’s almost resolved.

A rain of fish? Here in town? That is very strange. Could be just a crate of fish on a plane, though, right? Yeah, maybe, though to be fair, we don’t always get to choose where we end up.

[pm] Oh. I didn’t think that was a thing. That’s pretty awful. Twisted, even. Why would they do that? They’re making a simple act of kindness terrible. 

Yeah. You know, it’s funny, but I found my cat when she was just a kitten because she was rooting through the trashcans eating sky fish. It was a lot of fish pretty constantly for awhile. It would have had to have been a super big crate. My body was dragged here by the ghost that was possessing it so like you’re so right, actually It’s true, sometimes you’re never really sure how you end up somewhere.

Well that’s why you leave the wick sticking out, duh. I’ll try one, and hurl it through some jerk’s window just to see. Regular fireworks might be more fun to aim down chimneys, though.

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Oh, of course. Obviously. Might wanna keep it stationary, though, at least for the watermelon. The fuse might blow out since it’s not designed to be thrown. You know, like, this is a public forum, though, right?

Except when we’re talking about me, because then perfection is a fact. It’s scientifically proven. Don’t ask to see the studies, though. They’re classified. I guess you’d have to ask somebody who knew me, but I can give you a list of people who would lie for me. Wait, you work at the library? That’s so cool.

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Uh huh, sure. I’d really like to see these studies. I’m kind of nerdy; really enjoy reading academic journals. Woah woah woah, you said that anyone would say that. Why does it have to be someone that knows you? How do I know this list wouldn’t be biased? Oh, yeah! It’s great. Very relaxed library vibes all the time.

[pm] Yes. I actually […] really like that movie. Only idiots don’t like it. It’s great.

HEY. NO. I demand a regrade. It’s thick, it’s lucious, and the curls are beautiful. You’re just jealous.

[pm] It’s a great movie, it’s true. Peak comedy. So you’d totally like Mean Girls.

Unfortunate. I really like joking around. 

I don’t know but the song about him slaps so I’m hoping he’s cool. I read a lot to actually. I don’t really know if I’m an introvert though. Probably. 

Some people just can’t take a joke. Go figure, you know?

I think perfection is, like, the top of the pyramid. Isn’t that the whole definition? I am always right. Ask anybody. Honest. Oh, trust me, I’ve been to the library. I’m there a lot, actually. It’s pretty great.

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I mean perfection is an inherently opinion based concept, as well as a finite one. Even if it did exist, it wouldn’t last long before the desire to achieve it rose up again. Hmmm, so I could just ask anyone in the entire world about your inherent rightness? It is a great library. It’s true. And I’m not just saying that because I work there.

[pm] Talking to it? Like what kind of talking? She’d talk to Bell every now and then so just you know, asking.

Putain de merde, no it’s not me. If it were me, you think I’d be able to just chat with you about this crap? But it means what I said. She promise bound another hunter. This one’s a slayer. I doubt she knows or cares but she had him there as her fucking bodyguard to come steal the bones from my apartment. And then the goddamn shadow coyotes happened.

[pm] Like she was having a fucking conversation with it. Like it talked back. Like... hissing, whispering, creepy talking that, in hindsight, should have been a red flag but I thought it was just a new weird Regan development. 

Okay, but you can’t blame me for making an assumption. I don’t know the rules or stipulations for being bound to a fae. Slayers are like Buffy Alain was, right? Undead? Why do you still have the bones, anyway?