â^. .^ââ well hello đđŸ call me iris. she/her, black, twenties. i like pop culture and daydreaming. usually a combination of the two
â^. .^ââ i'm currently writing for love and deepspace! my favorites are caleb, sylus, and zayne. requests are closed (they were never open)
â^. .^ââ don't be shyâinteract with me! i love reading people's thoughts on my work. i respond to comments and reblogs when i can, and feel free to send asks as well!
â^. .^ââ i post and share 18+ content, so please don't follow if you're a minor.
masterlists â ao3 â behind the scenes â ramblings â fic recs â art recs
i post all my writings on tumblr! ao3 is my frenemy but you can find all my fics & some drabbles there as well
recent works
the puppy interview (all lads LIs, fluff)
sylus works your office job (fluff)
valko made it! (suggestive fluff)
die before you do (sylus, angst/comfort)
divider from @thecutestgrotto. i do not allow translations. do not plagiarize or feed my work to ai.
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forgetting about how Big and Strong xavier is until one day u guys are arguing and heâs just so frustrated and youâre yelling at him and he just grabs your wrist right when ur about to punch his chest again and you try sooo hard to get out of his grip and you Canât and he steps closer to you and suddenly youâre having to look up to meet his eyes and his whole body is covering yours and his eyes are dark and before you can even say anything heâs staring at you with a slightly angry expression
Omg the Puppy Interviews!!! I can totally see each of the guys rescuing a dog for one reason or another. Sylus would be good with rescues that need stability and training. Valko and Caleb would take bonded pairs bc they knows the importance of family. Xavier falls asleep with the senior dogs that snore like trucks. Zayne would have a soft spot for the nervous and shy rescues that don't show well to adopters. As for Rafayel, tbh I see him more as someone who would adopt an animal that isn't meant to be a pet, but bc it was born in captivity and raised by humans it can't be returned to the wild. Like a parrot or something, y'know?
aaa yes i love these! i can definitely see sylus turning one of the more intimidating breeds into a total marshmallow just like him lol. xavier would take the best care of a senior dog, like itâs 18 or something but people think itâs still a puppy because of how loved it is. i watch a lot of animal vids on youtube and recently watched someone win over a rescued cat and i can sooo see zayne doing the same with a dog! just trying different things to make it as comfortable as possible until it starts to trust him and come to him for pets :< and omg i love the idea of raf with a bird! i saw a man with a scarlet macaw on his shoulder a few weeks ago and he looked so cool. i hope you can keep those as pets. if not, i recant this statement.
i would say it would be really cute for valko and calebâs dogs to be best friends and go on playdates all the time butâŠletâs see if their owners can get along first
breeds heâs matched with: golden retriever, labrador retriever, border collie
natural caretaker. the puppies are instantly comfortable around him, treating him as one of their ownâjust bigger.
itâs a good thing theyâre too old to imprint on him because they totally would otherwise
he uses playtime as an excuse to dodge interview questions and give vague answers. the viewers are too distracted by the wholesomeness to notice what heâs doingÂ
handles any mishaps like a pro. if one of them gets sick and makes a mess on the floor, heâs guiding the others away so they can stay secure while their buddy gets cleaned up
heâs calm and confident when he talks to them, so they barely act out. since they aren't wriggling out of his grip, he can fit two puppies in each hand. he holds them up to either side of his head, then gives the camera a grin not too far off from the ones on their tiny panting faces.
instant thumbnail.
rafayel
breeds heâs matched with: standard poodle, pomeranian, malteseÂ
initially reluctant to make himself vulnerable to so many nips and scratches and unsanitary bodily products, and rightfully so
his set of puppies slept the whole ride over, so by the time they descend upon him, they are wide awake and ready to rumble
the interview canât even start on timeânot when you can barely see rafayel through the flurry of paws and tails
just when all hope seems to be lost, he starts singing to them as a last-ditch effort to calm them down. miraculously, it works in a matter of secondsÂ
hypnotized by his voice, they start howling back at him, eager to sing along. he corrects their pitch, like, âwell, not quite. but close. keep trying.âÂ
he absolutely plays favorites. thereâs a little tan pomeranian he absolutely adores, even if he wonât admit it, and he barely lets go of her for the entire shoot. he mentally names her sandy
two weeks later, the shelter receives a donation of custom-designed bows, leashes, collars, and tiny dog clothing from an anonymous donor. but with that precision, quality, and artistic abilityâŠthereâs only one person it could beÂ
valko
breeds heâs matched with: german shepherd, husky, malamute, great daneÂ
heâs kind of bummed because he explicitly requested a wolfdog, but the staff legally couldnât give him one. itâs fine, though. he still has so many other friends to play with
heâs actually the most unfazed because heâs used to being surrounded by hyperactive pups climbing him like he's a jungle gym
answers questions in detail like itâs an average tuesday. even with a malamute gnawing on his fingers, he barely loses focus
great at discipline. when one misbehaves, he holds its wriggling body up to his face until it apologizes with puppy dog eyes. when one growls at him, he growls back. it tucks its tail between its legs and licks his hand in apology
after the interview, he plays with them so much that theyâre all passed out when it's time to go home. rounding them up to go back in their crates is the easiest itâs ever been
the staff call him a dog whisperer, which he happily acceptsÂ
when he answers questions, heâs talking to the puppies more than anything. forgets to look at the camera because his attention is elsewhereÂ
when he feeds them treats, some of them bite his hands. he nips them back on the scruff of their necks, and they look at him like heâs lost it
chow chow puppiesâ cheeks = stress toys. he squeezes and stretches them while they teethe on his hoodie strings
near the end, he grabs the calmest dalmation pup to hold in his lap while he wraps the video up. when the interviewâs over, he endeavors to count all its spots aloud. his voice is so soft and soothing, the puppies all curl up and fall asleep around him. before he knows it, heâs out, too
the staff are so endeared, they just turn the lights off in the studio and vow to wake everyone up in an hour.
arrives to set uncharacteristically dressed down. will not let any of his treasured clothes or accessories be ripped, slobbered on, or dampened by those overexcited little lumpsÂ
there is a fight between man and puppy to establish dominance. man wins, or so he thinks
has a particularly rambunctious group that views his body as free real estate. more often than not, his answers get cut off by puppies lunging at his faceÂ
heâs a bit too eager to referee all their little squabbles, but he does pull them apart when they get too rough
his two favorites are the strongest and the weakest, simultaneously. he considers adopting them, but for the moment, he much prefers to devote his free time to his kitten
the pekingese pups are just there for fun. he likes the idea of how pitiful purse dogs are. when he fails to hold in his snorts, they cock their heads at him and stare
zayne
breeds heâs matched with: samoyed, corgi, toy poodle, shiba inu
he is run ragged.
they're sprinting around so quickly, his head is spinning. even the busiest shifts at the hospital couldnât prepare him for this
one naughty samoyed steals his glasses and runs off with them. clips of him waddling around set chasing after it are interspersed between stretches of him attempting to answer questionsÂ
tries admirably hard to stay on topic, but these dogs are practically doing cartwheels around him. if he looks away for just one second, heâll have to contact his veterinarian acquaintance for the first time since undergrad
thereâs a quiet little shiba staring at all the chaos, and he doesn't get to spend much time with it. after the shoot, he asks if he can play with it alone. he knows what itâs like to be left out, and he doesnât want the little guy to go home sad
he quickly gains its trust, and they become fast friends. when it's time to go home, it tries to scramble its way back to him.
âheartbreakâ is a figurative term. however, as the staff carry the whining puppy out the door, zayne discovers just how real it can be
makes sure to jot the dogsâ shelter down on a piece of paper so he can be sure to visit on his next day offâŠmaybe with you in tow, so he can test your compatibility with his new friendÂ
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breeds heâs matched with: golden retriever, labrador retriever, border collie
natural caretaker. the puppies are instantly comfortable around him, treating him as one of their ownâjust bigger.
itâs a good thing theyâre too old to imprint on him because they totally would otherwise
he uses playtime as an excuse to dodge interview questions and give vague answers. the viewers are too distracted by the wholesomeness to notice what heâs doingÂ
handles any mishaps like a pro. if one of them gets sick and makes a mess on the floor, heâs guiding the others away so they can stay secure while their buddy gets cleaned up
heâs calm and confident when he talks to them, so they barely act out. since they aren't wriggling out of his grip, he can fit two puppies in each hand. he holds them up to either side of his head, then gives the camera a grin not too far off from the ones on their tiny panting faces.
instant thumbnail.
rafayel
breeds heâs matched with: standard poodle, pomeranian, malteseÂ
initially reluctant to make himself vulnerable to so many nips and scratches and unsanitary bodily products, and rightfully so
his set of puppies slept the whole ride over, so by the time they descend upon him, they are wide awake and ready to rumble
the interview canât even start on timeânot when you can barely see rafayel through the flurry of paws and tails
just when all hope seems to be lost, he starts singing to them as a last-ditch effort to calm them down. miraculously, it works in a matter of secondsÂ
hypnotized by his voice, they start howling back at him, eager to sing along. he corrects their pitch, like, âwell, not quite. but close. keep trying.âÂ
he absolutely plays favorites. thereâs a little tan pomeranian he absolutely adores, even if he wonât admit it, and he barely lets go of her for the entire shoot. he mentally names her sandy
two weeks later, the shelter receives a donation of custom-designed bows, leashes, collars, and tiny dog clothing from an anonymous donor. but with that precision, quality, and artistic abilityâŠthereâs only one person it could beÂ
valko
breeds heâs matched with: german shepherd, husky, malamute, great daneÂ
heâs kind of bummed because he explicitly requested a wolfdog, but the staff legally couldnât give him one. itâs fine, though. he still has so many other friends to play with
heâs actually the most unfazed because heâs used to being surrounded by hyperactive pups climbing him like he's a jungle gym
answers questions in detail like itâs an average tuesday. even with a malamute gnawing on his fingers, he barely loses focus
great at discipline. when one misbehaves, he holds its wriggling body up to his face until it apologizes with puppy dog eyes. when one growls at him, he growls back. it tucks its tail between its legs and licks his hand in apology
after the interview, he plays with them so much that theyâre all passed out when it's time to go home. rounding them up to go back in their crates is the easiest itâs ever been
the staff call him a dog whisperer, which he happily acceptsÂ
when he answers questions, heâs talking to the puppies more than anything. forgets to look at the camera because his attention is elsewhereÂ
when he feeds them treats, some of them bite his hands. he nips them back on the scruff of their necks, and they look at him like heâs lost it
chow chow puppiesâ cheeks = stress toys. he squeezes and stretches them while they teethe on his hoodie strings
near the end, he grabs the calmest dalmation pup to hold in his lap while he wraps the video up. when the interviewâs over, he endeavors to count all its spots aloud. his voice is so soft and soothing, the puppies all curl up and fall asleep around him. before he knows it, heâs out, too
the staff are so endeared, they just turn the lights off in the studio and vow to wake everyone up in an hour.
arrives to set uncharacteristically dressed down. will not let any of his treasured clothes or accessories be ripped, slobbered on, or dampened by those overexcited little lumpsÂ
there is a fight between man and puppy to establish dominance. man wins, or so he thinks
has a particularly rambunctious group that views his body as free real estate. more often than not, his answers get cut off by puppies lunging at his faceÂ
heâs a bit too eager to referee all their little squabbles, but he does pull them apart when they get too rough
his two favorites are the strongest and the weakest, simultaneously. he considers adopting them, but for the moment, he much prefers to devote his free time to his kitten
the pekingese pups are just there for fun. he likes the idea of how pitiful purse dogs are. when he fails to hold in his snorts, they cock their heads at him and stare
zayne
breeds heâs matched with: samoyed, corgi, toy poodle, shiba inu
he is run ragged.
they're sprinting around so quickly, his head is spinning. even the busiest shifts at the hospital couldnât prepare him for this
one naughty samoyed steals his glasses and runs off with them. clips of him waddling around set chasing after it are interspersed between stretches of him attempting to answer questionsÂ
tries admirably hard to stay on topic, but these dogs are practically doing cartwheels around him. if he looks away for just one second, heâll have to contact his veterinarian acquaintance for the first time since undergrad
thereâs a quiet little shiba staring at all the chaos, and he doesn't get to spend much time with it. after the shoot, he asks if he can play with it alone. he knows what itâs like to be left out, and he doesnât want the little guy to go home sad
he quickly gains its trust, and they become fast friends. when it's time to go home, it tries to scramble its way back to him.
âheartbreakâ is a figurative term. however, as the staff carry the whining puppy out the door, zayne discovers just how real it can be
makes sure to jot the dogsâ shelter down on a piece of paper so he can be sure to visit on his next day offâŠmaybe with you in tow, so he can test your compatibility with his new friendÂ
sylus tries to work your office job for a day đ»
heâs only doing you a favor. you woke up sick but donât want to call out, so he offers to secretly stand in for you. luckily, your company has a lax work-from-home policy.
itâll be a piece of cake, he thinks to himself. he can assemble entire automobiles from scrap metal and spare parts. how hard could this be in comparison?Â
like most days, the morning starts off slow. your colleagues slowly trickle online, and in the meantime, he checks your outstanding tasks. you have a project thatâs been hung up by another department for 2 weeksâthat just wonât do. he canât let you take the blame! so he searches your work database, hunts down everyone in the offending department, and sends them a high-priority email: âjust got word from leadership that this is due in one hour. good luck!â
he has never had to undergo email etiquette training.Â
your office's applications for spreadsheets and documents are...lackluster. he isnât used to such rudimentary software. forgets to save files as he works on them, then the program crashes and he loses his progress. he is fine.
whenever you walk past his study, his hair is a sticking up in all directions from running his fingers through it.
âwhy does every message i send get a heart emoji?â
rejects all optional meeting invites immediately. your calendar is the freest itâs ever been.Â
âcircle back,â âtouch base,â âtable that for now.â these phrases are so irritating. does no one in this organization speak like a human?
has to ask you for your phone every 15 minutes because the software constantly hounds you to verify your identity. for what reason are these security measures more stringent than onychinusâs?Â
âyour coworker sent me a gif of a frog sipping tea. what does this mean.âÂ
heâs a tech whiz, but your company laptop hasn't been upgraded since 2010, and the battery barely lasts 2 hours. he just canât work under these conditions. Â
as the day drags on, the number of emails he gets grows exponentially, and the pinging sound annoys the hell out of him. he starts bouncing his leg and flaring his nostrils, trying his best not to respond to anyoneâs earnest inquiry with an ancient curse.Â
by 3 p.m., heâs become conditioned to go into fight-or-flight mode every time that high-pitched ding noise assaults his ears.Â
âsweetie, how do i turn off email notifications. i beg you. how do i turn them off.â
I'm always so amazed by how you manage to write such good ficlets/drabbles (? Not entirely sure what they're called) every time u post. Not to mention how often u manage to write them too đ«Ș
I'm kinda new to ur blog but I've seen u say that u will publish a book soon and I wanted to congratulate u for it!! đ I believe fullheartedly that it will be a very good read considering how well written even ur little fics are hehe
To end this, I also wanted to let u know that u do inspire me a bit to try and improve my own writing. Especially in English since it is not my first language, so for a while I kinda gave up trying to get better at it. But after reading some really good books and fics, they have given me some motivation to maybe get into it lol
Sorry this ended up being so long đ€
hello!! never apologize for leaving long messages it doesnât bother me!!
i think technically a drabble is supposed to be 100 words exactly but mine are never that đđ but thank you so much!! i think iâm able to write them so easily because i have to break down every task into something digestible đ so sometimes writing full fics feels like trying to climb mt everest in a bikini but it feels easier for my brain to come up with a drabble in 30 mins - an hour. (this is the only reason i was able to write my book bc i convinced myself writing 30something chapters was basically writing 30 drabbles, which didnât sound so bad). i have the work drive of a squirrel.
tysm to you and everyone leaving messages about the book âčïžâčïž it rly means a lot! the front cover and blurb are ready so iâm rly tempted to just post them at any minute but đ«ą ik i should wait until i have all the little details sorted out!
lastly thank you so much!! iâm glad youâre not giving up on writing, even with how tough it is. i think that as long as youâre writing the stuff that makes you happy, youâll see yourself grow before you know it đ iâm cheering you on! đ
if you stroll into work with one more shiny new accessory on your skin, tara thinks sheâs going to lose it.Â
âooh, i like your bracelet!â she commented out of the goodness of her heart one day.Â
âthanks! valko made it.âÂ
sheâd never heard the brand name before, so she let it slip her mind.Â
except it didnât stop there.Â
ânice ring! whereâd you get iââ
âoh, valko made it.â
âwow, your necklace is gorgeous!âÂ
âvalko made it!â
valko made it. valko made it. valko made it.Â
you know you donât have to rub it in, right? at this point, adorned in all of her budget baubles, sheâll be the first to literally turn green with envy.Â
the next time she sees you at work, she thinks sheâs in the clear. youâre not wearing any jewelry, so thereâll be no fallout in your friendship today.Â
until you brandish a tiny clutch bag, pull out two shimmering earrings, and stuff them in your ears without a second thought.Â
her eye twitches as she ogles you. when you finally notice her staring, you deign to give her a smile. âsame as usual! valko maââ
âenough!â her desk chair creaks as she reels back in exasperation. âyou keep saying this designer makes all your jewelry, flaunting how rare and custom it is. itâs so high-end, i canât even find it online! stop bragging! i get it, itâs exclusive. not made for taras like me. i just don't know how you can afford so many valko designs with our salary.â she folds her arms, juts out her bottom lip, and huffs.Â
âumâŠtara?â you have the nerve to look shocked.Â
âlet me guess. you got nipple rings too, and valko made them?â
âtara! valko is my boyfriend.âÂ
instantly, she freezes. âwhat?â
âyeah! he can manipulate metals, so he gives me all these cool little trinkets as gifts. actuallyâŠâ you shift your gaze to the wall clock. âhe should be just about done with work. i can ask him to make you something right now, if you'd like.â
âuhm,â she sputters, finally remembering to uncross her arms. âumâyeah! that would be awesome, and also, i am so sorry.âÂ
âdonât worry about it.â chuckling, you tap a few buttons on your phone and raise it to your ear. âhoney? my friend wants a pretty ring. could you do that for me?âÂ
tara watches your face flush at whatever his response was.Â
âyes, i know your talents are reserved for me. but if you say yes, iâllâŠâÂ
her eyes glaze over as you turn your head to the side and cover your whispering mouth. so this is what sheâs missing out on living the single life, huh?
your sudden cheer snaps her out of it. âreally? you will? i love you, thank you so much!â beaming, you end the call. just a few moments later, your phone chimes, and you flip it around to show her a dazzling gold ring. âis this good?â
she stares, dumbfounded. âi literally could not have imagined anything better.âÂ
âgreat! iâll bring it to you tomorrow. for now, though, i gotta get home. i owe our jeweler a favor,â you whisper conspiratorially.Â
as you sashay out of the office, earrings jingling all the way, tara drops her head into her hands. no wonder you look so cute all the time.
wait a second.
you and valkoâŠcute couple, cute jewelry. and she thinks sheâs pretty cute herself, sometimes.
if you stroll into work with one more shiny new accessory on your skin, tara thinks sheâs going to lose it.Â
âooh, i like your bracelet!â she commented out of the goodness of her heart one day.Â
âthanks! valko made it.âÂ
sheâd never heard the brand name before, so she let it slip her mind.Â
except it didnât stop there.Â
ânice ring! whereâd you get iââ
âoh, valko made it.â
âwow, your necklace is gorgeous!âÂ
âvalko made it!â
valko made it. valko made it. valko made it.Â
you know you donât have to rub it in, right? at this point, adorned in all of her budget baubles, sheâll be the first to literally turn green with envy.Â
the next time she sees you at work, she thinks sheâs in the clear. youâre not wearing any jewelry, so thereâll be no fallout in your friendship today.Â
until you brandish a tiny clutch bag, pull out two shimmering earrings, and stuff them in your ears without a second thought.Â
her eye twitches as she ogles you. when you finally notice her staring, you deign to give her a smile. âsame as usual! valko maââ
âenough!â her desk chair creaks as she reels back in exasperation. âyou keep saying this designer makes all your jewelry, flaunting how rare and custom it is. itâs so high-end, i canât even find it online! stop bragging! i get it, itâs exclusive. not made for taras like me. i just don't know how you can afford so many valko designs with our salary.â she folds her arms, juts out her bottom lip, and huffs.Â
âumâŠtara?â you have the nerve to look shocked.Â
âlet me guess. you got nipple rings too, and valko made them?â
âtara! valko is my boyfriend.âÂ
instantly, she freezes. âwhat?â
âyeah! he can manipulate metals, so he gives me all these cool little trinkets as gifts. actuallyâŠâ you shift your gaze to the wall clock. âhe should be just about done with work. i can ask him to make you something right now, if you'd like.â
âuhm,â she sputters, finally remembering to uncross her arms. âumâyeah! that would be awesome, and also, i am so sorry.âÂ
âdonât worry about it.â chuckling, you tap a few buttons on your phone and raise it to your ear. âhoney? my friend wants a pretty ring. could you do that for me?âÂ
tara watches your face flush at whatever his response was.Â
âyes, i know your talents are reserved for me. but if you say yes, iâllâŠâÂ
her eyes glaze over as you turn your head to the side and cover your whispering mouth. so this is what sheâs missing out on living the single life, huh?
your sudden cheer snaps her out of it. âreally? you will? i love you, thank you so much!â beaming, you end the call. just a few moments later, your phone chimes, and you flip it around to show her a dazzling gold ring. âis this good?â
she stares, dumbfounded. âi literally could not have imagined anything better.âÂ
âgreat! iâll bring it to you tomorrow. for now, though, i gotta get home. i owe our jeweler a favor,â you whisper conspiratorially.Â
as you sashay out of the office, earrings jingling all the way, tara drops her head into her hands. no wonder you look so cute all the time.
wait a second.
you and valkoâŠcute couple, cute jewelry. and she thinks sheâs pretty cute herself, sometimes.
Anya is live and ready to show you everything. Watch her strip, dance, and perform exclusive shows just for you. Interact in real-time and make your fantasies come true.
â Live Streamingâ Interactive Chatâ Private Showsâ HD Qualityâ Free Actions
Free to watch âą No registration required âą HD streaming
i just read winterbreak and WOWWWWWWWW that hurt so bad omg you wrote so well. i love the nonlinear storytelling and i love your writing style so much. you can tell that you were trying a bunch of things to get the story to work and your effort is appreciated bc i really enjoyed the writing style!! i felt really sad from the beginning bc even with the ambiguous ending, you just have this horrible feeling in your stomach that it wonât turn out well. bc itâs like pandoraâs box, zayne shouldâve never reciprocated actively bc the moment he did he doomed reader. she needed the support of a peer and mentor to guide her during this transitional state of her life. he couldâve helped her with opportunities if she wanted to do academia and connected her to more of her peers, but his presence in her life just isolated her more and more. and his fucking immaturity oh my god i wanted to beat him over the head with hammers. because obvi reader is in the mental state where anything he says is gospel, so even though his own immaturity, childishness, and lack of experiences are leading him to make these mistakes with her, he doesnât really get called out for it either by her or by someone who has power over him. she isnât able to check him and it sucks bc every time he makes a normal human mistake of not knowing how to help someone who is as hurt as she is, it just ends up worse for her. there were different ways he couldâve handled the situation when she was drunk and when he told her he was transferring, but instead the oh âthis is for your sakeâ bs won out. like he knows sheâs a flight risk!!!! honestly i was hoping that he would actually do right by her and report himself if at least it would get her the accommodations and mental health support she needed, but i know it wouldnât have gone well either and she may have been further isolated from her peers in that case. i just wanted someone to tell her that itâs not her fault, that she should be angry at him, that there is more for her out there. but as angry as i was at zayne, i couldnât help but root for them at times, if only for readers sake. i thought the very short section you did where she presumably was inpatient for a suicide attempt to try and get him back was really well done. you donât even need to make it explicit bc you just immediately understand what sheâs done and how this fits in to a lifetime of mental illness. itâs tragic and i started crying right then. and the final scene, god i can see the mental check list in her head. when youâre that unwell, someone giving you a goal or milestone like zayne did is all you have. iâve definitely been in the hole where reader is and it sucks. and iâm so sad bc i feel it in my heart she took her own life before she even got to live it. she deserved so much better and you depicted the mess of their relationship and her own mental state really well. crying as i type this but itâs rare to read something that covers mental health so well without becoming melodramatic. the matter of fact way information is organized at the end is so well done. thereâs no details thereâs no interest, itâs just a procedure. she doesnât even get to savor it and thatâs so sad. i hope this zayne burns in hell đđđ
hello!! first off wow thank you, i think this is the longest comment anyoneâs ever left about my writing!! i mean this genuinely thank you for engaging with it on that level!!
winterbreak is always funny to think about because it started as something completely differentâit was just going to be standard professor zayne, no angst in sight. but then i connected it to a song and changed the entire direction đ
it was a challenge for so many reasonsâitâs the longest thing iâve written outside of my book, the heavy & delicate subject matter, and the nonlinear storytelling as you mentioned!! i got to experiment and learn a lot so iâm glad you enjoyed âșïž
zayneâs character is in the wrong just for having a relationship with a student in the first place, but also treating her carelessly when he knows firsthand how vulnerable she is. i hate that sheâs so dependent on him, that she has to be, even though i wrote it. itâs just a nightmarish relationship dynamic. like. your entire life revolving around someone you shouldnât be involved with to that extent in the first placeâand itâs not your fault, none of it is your fault, but youâve never been given the proper care or treatment by people who were in the position to offer it, so you latch on to anyone whoâll listen. i could go on, but i really appreciate your analysis!
this is definitely the most tragic thing iâve written and iâve never had a character so full of despair in the way that she is. the numbness of the last couple sections, the doctor visit and her graduation, was intentional yet so hard to do because it emphasizes how little she values her own life with zayne gone. reader, iâm so sorry i wasnât your mother.
tysm for your note about covering mental health!! itâs something i never want to shy away from in my writing and i want to be as respectful as i can without sensationalizing anything, so it really means a lot. thank you thank you thank you!
For ur book that youâre self-publishing arenât you worried abt your identity? I mean I donât wanna sound weird or creepy (thatâs not my intention at all!) but will u be using a pen name or ur real name? Because then my second thought would be if u used ur real name then somehow, some way people would somehow link it to ur fanfics and stuff and idk how u would feel abt that? But also if you tell us abt the book when ur real eased we would also just be able to link that together?? Idk im mostly speaking from my personal anxieties abt cyber security and footprint
i do not use my real name! this is something that gives me a *lot* of anxiety because i never want the stigma around writing romance to affect my daily life. i worry about it a lot, but i try to just tell myself that this is something iâm passionate about, and i shouldnât keep it to myself solely out of fear. art should be shared, right? đ«
i plan to share the book here because itâs a space where the only reason people know/follow me is for my writing, so it feels appropriate. of course it is all very scary still, but as one direction once said: live while weâre young
even in the midnight shadows, sylus's deep red eyes can see right through you.Â
âyou figured me out, huh?â you canât hide the way your voice quivers. âjust tired. iâll be fine once i get some sleep.â
âyou said the same thing two days ago. then two days before that, then three before that. you slept on all of those nights, if i recall correctly. yet here we are again.â he waves his hand, and a dark wisp floats over to turn on your bedside lamp. âwhat is it, sweetie? you can tell me.â
you can. you know you can. but should you?Â
the longer you donât, the more heâll worry.
âbefore i tell youâŠpromise you wonât get mad?â
pulling you closer, he smooths your furrowed brow. âi donât get mad at you. justâŠmildly exasperated. whatâs troubling you, kitten? i want to know.âÂ
âsometimesâŠâ you wrap your hands around his wrist and squeeze. âi close my eyes at night, and the first thing i think is that youâre going to die one day. and itâs really, really, really scary.â
he stays silent, because of course he does. as the mortification grows, you attempt to backtrack. âi donât think that way on purposeâit justâŠit happens, and i donât know why, and i canât stop it. i try to blink it away before bed every night, but youâre lying right here and i love you so much and i can hear your heartbeatâand i think and think about how iâd do anything to make sure it never stops.âÂ
âsweetieâŠâ propping himself up on your pillows, sylus gathers you in his arms. he seems not to notice the droplets slowly seeping into his robe. âi donât need you to do anything. i just need you.âÂ
âi hopeââ you shake your head in frustration. it feels impossible to speak with the swelling in your throat. âi hope i die before you do,â you croak. âso iâll never have to know what itâs like to lose you.â
like he always does when things threaten you, he rumbles lowly in discontent. yet as one hand clutches your waist and the other strokes up and down your trembling back, he tries to soften himself as much as possible.Â
âitâs like weâve talked about before,â he begins once his instincts have settled down. âmy line of work isnât conventional. no matter what, iâll do whatever i can to keep coming back to you. that being saidâŠeverything i have doneâeverything that i continue to doâis set up so that you can flourish in a world without me.âÂ
itâs hard to carry on with your whimpers in his ears, but he does so in hopes itâll soothe you.Â
âyouâll be looked after. youâll be cared for. and you will want for nothing,â he says firmly. âi know how scary it is, sweetie. thatâs why i try not to do myself the disservice of imagining my life without you. but the end of my world doesnât mean the end of yours. tell me you know that.âÂ
he wants to see the best in your silenceâto hope that youâve managed to fall asleep, despite it all. but after a few more empty beats, you grasp his velvet lapels and press your tear-stained cheek into his chest.Â
âyou mean everything to me.âÂ
he sighs at your soft voice, stroking your hair and holding you tight. âdoes it sound silly if i say youâre so much more than âeverythingâ?â
it feels sick letting his pulse lull you to sleepâlike youâre wasting a finite number of priceless heartbeats. so you fight off every impulse, like you wish you could fight your thoughts.Â
itâs only when the moon rises in the sky, and his own breaths begin to even out, that you let yourself fall into the embrace of night. drifting to a world where sylusâs heartbeat isnât certain, but your love for him is.Â
even in the midnight shadows, sylus's deep red eyes can see right through you.Â
âyou figured me out, huh?â you canât hide the way your voice quivers. âjust tired. iâll be fine once i get some sleep.â
âyou said the same thing two days ago. then two days before that, then three before that. you slept on all of those nights, if i recall correctly. yet here we are again.â he waves his hand, and a dark wisp floats over to turn on your bedside lamp. âwhat is it, sweetie? you can tell me.â
you can. you know you can. but should you?Â
the longer you donât, the more heâll worry.
âbefore i tell youâŠpromise you wonât get mad?â
pulling you closer, he smooths your furrowed brow. âi donât get mad at you. justâŠmildly exasperated. whatâs troubling you, kitten? i want to know.âÂ
âsometimesâŠâ you wrap your hands around his wrist and squeeze. âi close my eyes at night, and the first thing i think is that youâre going to die one day. and itâs really, really, really scary.â
he stays silent, because of course he does. as the mortification grows, you attempt to backtrack. âi donât think that way on purposeâit justâŠit happens, and i donât know why, and i canât stop it. i try to blink it away before bed every night, but youâre lying right here and i love you so much and i can hear your heartbeatâand i think and think about how iâd do anything to make sure it never stops.âÂ
âsweetieâŠâ propping himself up on your pillows, sylus gathers you in his arms. he seems not to notice the droplets slowly seeping into his robe. âi donât need you to do anything. i just need you.âÂ
âi hopeââ you shake your head in frustration. it feels impossible to speak with the swelling in your throat. âi hope i die before you do,â you croak. âso iâll never have to know what itâs like to lose you.â
like he always does when things threaten you, he rumbles lowly in discontent. yet as one hand clutches your waist and the other strokes up and down your trembling back, he tries to soften himself as much as possible.Â
âitâs like weâve talked about before,â he begins once his instincts have settled down. âmy line of work isnât conventional. no matter what, iâll do whatever i can to keep coming back to you. that being saidâŠeverything i have doneâeverything that i continue to doâis set up so that you can flourish in a world without me.âÂ
itâs hard to carry on with your whimpers in his ears, but he does so in hopes itâll soothe you.Â
âyouâll be looked after. youâll be cared for. and you will want for nothing,â he says firmly. âi know how scary it is, sweetie. thatâs why i try not to do myself the disservice of imagining my life without you. but the end of my world doesnât mean the end of yours. tell me you know that.âÂ
he wants to see the best in your silenceâto hope that youâve managed to fall asleep, despite it all. but after a few more empty beats, you grasp his velvet lapels and press your tear-stained cheek into his chest.Â
âyou mean everything to me.âÂ
he sighs at your soft voice, stroking your hair and holding you tight. âdoes it sound silly if i say youâre so much more than âeverythingâ?â
it feels sick letting his pulse lull you to sleepâlike youâre wasting a finite number of priceless heartbeats. so you fight off every impulse, like you wish you could fight your thoughts.Â
itâs only when the moon rises in the sky, and his own breaths begin to even out, that you let yourself fall into the embrace of night. drifting to a world where sylusâs heartbeat isnât certain, but your love for him is.Â
many people have the privilege of their partners announcing when they've arrived home for the day.
valko does not do that.
instead, nearly every weekday evening, youâre unceremoniously greeted by a body twice your size coming to crush you.
âhaoâwashâworg?â you wheeze. your voice is muffled by the couch cushion you're currently being encouraged to fuse with.Â
âhmm?â the man sprawled on top of you lifts your neck up a little, freeing your mouth to speak clearly. he takes extra advantage of the position to nip your nose and kiss the corner of your lips.
âhow was work?â you repeat. when his massive thighs foil your attempt to wriggle free, you shoot him your severe side-eye that heâs unfortunately grown immune to.Â
âhard. intern was supposed to test out a new piece of tech. wouldâve been a real resume builder for him, you know? if he hadnât sent it crashing off the table into a million little pieces. young people these days, i swear.â he tucks his chin into your neck and inhales deeply. âbut at least itâs friday! what dâya wanna do all weekend?â
âbeing able to breathe would be nice.â
âreally, now?â in quick puffs of air, his chuckle warms your skin. a second later, something hot, soft, and wet tickles your ear canal.Â
you squirm under him as he snickers like a hyena. âvalko!â
âwhat? made you gasp, didnât i? that counts as breathing to me.âÂ
you growl out his name, which he blissfully ignores. âso, what else do you wanna do? we can check âem all off the list right now if we try. gives us plenty of time for other things.â he drops his weight further onto you, melding your body with the sofa. with the way the barbell between his legs pokes into your lower half, itâs a miracle this conversation has stayed relatively tame.Â
âactuallyâŠâ time to pull out the big guns. âi havenât taken off work yet.â
âwhat?â his muscles tense, and you can no longer hear his tail pummeling your poor throw pillows from the force of its wagging. âi thought we were spending the whole weekend together. we were supposed to have matching days off.â
âwe were supposed to,â you drawl, âbut then i thought, why don't i work a few more days, then take a whole week off at the end of the month? thatâs when your next business tripâs scheduled for, right? i could go with you.â your lips quirk in a coy, calculating smileâif only he could see it.Â
in your periphery, his ears pop up in the shadows cast by the lamplight. âwait, really? we can finally go on a trip together? iâve been waiting for forever.â
âyup. but, those days off have to be booked in advance for them to be approved. i could go request them right nowâmy boss would say yes in a heartbeatâbutâŠwell, you know. i canât move, and all. what a shame, am i right?â
he stays silent.Â
âi guess thatâs okay, though. if youâd rather go by yourself, we can just lie here foreââ
almost immediately, your chest feels lighter. youâve forgotten how it feels to have your lungs function at full capacity.Â
valko rolls off of you and topples to the floor, landing in perfect push-up form before pressing himself up to his knees. wearing a scowl thatâs almost scary, he finally grumbles his concession. âfine, go. but on the plane, i want the window seat. and your pack of cookies.â
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many people have the privilege of their partners announcing when they've arrived home for the day.
valko does not do that.
instead, nearly every weekday evening, youâre unceremoniously greeted by a body twice your size coming to crush you.
âhaoâwashâworg?â you wheeze. your voice is muffled by the couch cushion you're currently being encouraged to fuse with.Â
âhmm?â the man sprawled on top of you lifts your neck up a little, freeing your mouth to speak clearly. he takes extra advantage of the position to nip your nose and kiss the corner of your lips.
âhow was work?â you repeat. when his massive thighs foil your attempt to wriggle free, you shoot him your severe side-eye that heâs unfortunately grown immune to.Â
âhard. intern was supposed to test out a new piece of tech. wouldâve been a real resume builder for him, you know? if he hadnât sent it crashing off the table into a million little pieces. young people these days, i swear.â he tucks his chin into your neck and inhales deeply. âbut at least itâs friday! what dâya wanna do all weekend?â
âbeing able to breathe would be nice.â
âreally, now?â in quick puffs of air, his chuckle warms your skin. a second later, something hot, soft, and wet tickles your ear canal.Â
you squirm under him as he snickers like a hyena. âvalko!â
âwhat? made you gasp, didnât i? that counts as breathing to me.âÂ
you growl out his name, which he blissfully ignores. âso, what else do you wanna do? we can check âem all off the list right now if we try. gives us plenty of time for other things.â he drops his weight further onto you, melding your body with the sofa. with the way the barbell between his legs pokes into your lower half, itâs a miracle this conversation has stayed relatively tame.Â
âactuallyâŠâ time to pull out the big guns. âi havenât taken off work yet.â
âwhat?â his muscles tense, and you can no longer hear his tail pummeling your poor throw pillows from the force of its wagging. âi thought we were spending the whole weekend together. we were supposed to have matching days off.â
âwe were supposed to,â you drawl, âbut then i thought, why don't i work a few more days, then take a whole week off at the end of the month? thatâs when your next business tripâs scheduled for, right? i could go with you.â your lips quirk in a coy, calculating smileâif only he could see it.Â
in your periphery, his ears pop up in the shadows cast by the lamplight. âwait, really? we can finally go on a trip together? iâve been waiting for forever.â
âyup. but, those days off have to be booked in advance for them to be approved. i could go request them right nowâmy boss would say yes in a heartbeatâbutâŠwell, you know. i canât move, and all. what a shame, am i right?â
he stays silent.Â
âi guess thatâs okay, though. if youâd rather go by yourself, we can just lie here foreââ
almost immediately, your chest feels lighter. youâve forgotten how it feels to have your lungs function at full capacity.Â
valko rolls off of you and topples to the floor, landing in perfect push-up form before pressing himself up to his knees. wearing a scowl thatâs almost scary, he finally grumbles his concession. âfine, go. but on the plane, i want the window seat. and your pack of cookies.â
