What You Leave Is A Work Of Art

I have never. EVER. Seen Gilbert Blythe more distressed than when he was talking with Anne at the bonfire. “…My future, if I want it!” He is so fucking anxious because it’s the first time he’s laying everything out on the table in front of another person - and not just anyone, but his best friend, his kindred spirit, the love of his life. Not just his classmate or family friend. Can you believe he came straight from Charlottetown after dinner with the Roses, and went right to the Ruins because he could NOT wait until the morning. He needed to speak with Anne then and there, or else he wouldn’t - no COULDN’T - sleep or eat or do anything else until he spoke with her. These huge fucking dreams he’s been preparing for, for at least two years now, are right within his reach, nearly ready for the taking. But there is JUST. ONE. THING.

I don’t even know if I’ve been able to grasp the depth of those three words and what they mean for this pair of stupid, angsty, heartbroken teenagers.

And one of the worst parts of this whole thing is that, deep within himself, he knows he doesn’t need the Sorbonne to achieve his dreams. He’s already admitted, out loud, to Anne, in front of his classmates, that SHE is what he needs to feel fulfilled with his profession: “I believe we can fix people. Save them. We just haven’t figure out how… I would give anything to be there when we do.” I had to repeat this part so many times because his words are so beautiful. WE. We. We can fix people, he says. He KNOWS they are good together; his teammate, his partner in crime, his rule breaker. I fucking love that he basically says that BOTH he and Anne have the brains and the heart to facilitate massive change in the world.

The stakes are high now. This is no longer puppy love, it’s not a school boy crush, or a teenage infatuation, or even longing anymore. This is full blown, passionate, excruciatingly painful, fierce, earnest love. Anne is who he wants to grow old with. He wants to marry her, wake up in the morning and have her beautiful face be the first thing he sees. He wants his children to have her eyes and her skin, and her hair, oh god, her hair. She is the sun. The burning ball of fire - blazing furiously in his heart. He wants her in his life. Forever.

@awaenetwork‘s february event: the lovers

I am 25 and I have never been in love. But I once drove twenty minutes to a Bakery to get my friend a cake for her 16th birthday with the face of her Favorite band on it. And she told me That was her favorite thing she’s ever Gotten and we watched fireworks all night.

I am 25 and I have never been in love. But I have held someone after a breakup As they cried and cried and cried, And gave them my favorite jam and tea And told them that if love is an anchor That means it is also a boat. You will find Your way to harbor again.

I am 25 and I have never been in love. But I have raised terrified kittens in my Bedroom. You let them sniff you first, You always let them sniff you, you put Out food, you don’t give chase. You wait. And one day they come to you. And sit on your lap and purr like A motor terraforming Mars itself.

I am 25 and I have never been in love. But I have picked myself up after all My worst days and given myself soup When I’m so sick I can’t stand And given myself cakes on the days I feel Like dead ashes and tape that’s lost its stickiness. I have licked my own wounds and healed my own Bruises, I have called myself beautiful Even when I don’t feel it.

“Since we’re parting ways, perhaps forever, I feel I must unburden my heart. You are the fond object of my affection and my desire, you and you alone are the keeper of the key to my heart. Please don’t be alarmed, I don’t expect your favor, but I can’t in good conscience not reveal myself. I am not engaged, nor will I be, unless it’s to you Anne, my Anne with an E. It always has been and always will be you.

for lazy hazy afternoons

for when it’s past midnight and you need to dance to something trashy and pop

for when you can’t remember why you are still here

for rainy nights where you think too deeply

for when you’re only fifty percent human and the other fifty percent is something more feral and monstrous

for anxiety attacks and breakdowns

for when you only want to listen to sad white men singing about sad things

for when you’re drinking soda and the bubbles make your nose tingle

for feeling weightless

for when you’re walking on an uneven pavement and the sun is beating down your neck

for simultaneous crying and bopping

for when one more sad song might make you scream

for your bruised and tender soul

for pretending you’re in an upbeat indie electropop band with your three best friends and you’re all gay

for unconventional alternative love songs

for when you need a reminder of what living feels like because everything feels grey

for pretending you can afford all the things you added to your cart on sephora

for when you’re breaking your own heart

for drifting off into another world at night

for when you’re feeling stuck but also hopeful but also tired but also excited

for when you need your heartbeat to slow back down

for believing in love again

for daydreaming on a hillside under a soft sunset

for when you realize she has the most beautiful smile and looking at it hurts

for when you need the warmest coziest hug

for feeling as small as dust and as infinite as the universe, all at once

for when your heart needs to feel soft and easy and happy

for seeing the person you’re in love with and realizing you need to let them go and start moving on

for when you feel like you’ve been set on fire

for putting on makeup in the morning even though it feels like there’s no point but also you just want to look really fucking cute for no reason

for when you need to be eased into pulling yourself together

for summer days laying outside on your front lawn daydreaming about lemonade

for pretending you’re a depressed mermaid who lives in the arctic ocean

for when you’re daydreaming about the future so that you can forget for a moment how unhappy you are

for being transported back to 2012 when you were trashy and emo and cringey as hell

for staring in the mirror in the dark and thinking about the experience of womanhood

for punching walls and smashing people’s heads in

for cutting fruit to make into a cobbler because fuck you want to eat something cozy and comforting then

for when things are … not going quite how you thought they would

for when your life feels like an actual movie and you need to soundtrack it

for unwinding from a stressful day

for when you feel like a ghost running through a forest while it’s raining and foggy

for when you actually yell back for the first time and the adrenaline pumps through your blood

for when it’s raining outside and you’re staring out the window longing to run in the rain but instead you’re stuck inside

for feeling like you’re right inside of a black hole

for when you’re anxiety says something stupid to you and for once you know it’s wrong and you fight back

for when you need to feel bigger than what you are in that moment

for when you put your trust in someone and you’re terrified

for feeling inexplicably sad and upset and lonely

for knowing it’s okay to cry

for when it’s late at night and you can’t stop thinking about him

for haunting unholy songs that help you pretend that you’re a demon

for breathing properly, just when it feels like you’ll never be able to again

for feeling unformed and unfinished and unknown

for almost being at peace but something is nagging at you

for just really needing to hear james blake’s voice

for when you love someone so much but you can’t talk to them because the words don’t come out