Woo Hajoon.

The name that rings every bell and checks every box. His scent, face and every minuscule detail engraved in the back of your mind, like some permanent hell.

Was there some god above that hates you??

Eyes brimming with tears, one blink and it’d all break like a dam, but you were blaming the dusty box, refusing to confront your unresolved feelings.

It was years old by now— you should’ve forgotten.

Everything. Especially him.

The thick pages, worn, ripped swallowed by a blanket of dust.

His book. Untouched.

Pushed into the dusty corner of your closet, similar to where you had him in your mind— cold, dark, lonely and long forgotten.

Or that’s what you thought.

Thud!

A dust cloud fills the air as the harsh bang of the hefty book echoes through the bare, almost sterile, apartment. A buzz nudges your phone across its place on the floor.

Your phone. His things.

Before your head commanded, your body lurches forward, hands already gripping the phone, fingers brisk— almost automatic, you’ve done this a million times. But that felt like that was another life time ago.

‘Hajoon’, typed out in your contacts.

Call. It stared at you imitating some sorta blaring red button. ‘This is stupid,’ it told at you.

‘Put the phone down and don’t look back.’ It’s like the blue and the red at war, just internal and in your head.

One half screaming in agony and the other too eager— too encouraging, ‘Just push it, you’ll be fine!

You click it before you can berate yourself for it later— before regrets can flood in and you start to overthink.

“Hello..?” Hajoon’s voice rings quietly, almost unheard with your thoughts rushing like a bullet train, fogging up all your sense.

Shit. What now?

웃는 게 예쁘단 생각은 전혀 안 했어 (I never thought your smile was pretty)

He was always watching from afar. Anxin would gawk unknowingly as you threw your head back, smile wide, and laughter echoing off the classroom walls. He really looked like a love-struck puppy- not to be cliche or anything... Anxin was just desperately in love and denial. It was an odd, envious feeling that brewed inside his chest whenever he got to see you laughing with others.. but not around him. Anxin could only blame himself for that, though; he almost treated you like a brick wall whenever you two were in the same setting.

Anxin wouldn't say he was ignoring you, more like he wasn't interested in you.. not even enough to be friends or make small talk. Definitely not because he was too nervous to say something, no.. Anxin didn't care. Although he says and does all this, he still finds himself wondering sometimes when he's alone, 'Why was your smile so pretty?' Before he scoffs, he doesn't think you're pretty. Anxin doesn't think anything about you is pretty or attractive- let alone admirable... so what compelled him to think such crazy things?

너에 대한 모든 게 궁금하지 않았어 (I wasn’t curious about everything about you)

Other days, he'd find himself wondering about you, wanting to know everything about you. He'd ponder what unique habits you had, if you were clingy or touchy, how you'd sound ranting about your day to him if you were close. How did you interact with others? You were always so bubbly when attempting to speak to him. Were you that kind to everyone? You shouldn't be. Anxin sounded crazy, two-faced even. When you were near, he'd barely speak, but the second he was alone, you're all he thinks about. But why does he care? He shouldn't care about how you treat others; he shouldn't be wondering how nicely your hair would fall in front of your face while he'd let you talk his ear off, just the way you do to Zihao. But Anxin doesn't want anything to do with you.. right?

한 번도 바란 적 없지 둘이서 추는 춤 (I never once wished for us to dance together)

He always saw the way you carried yourself; Anxin would never admit it, but he admired it. How graceful and elegant you looked when he watched you skipping through the school's large field. He would admire every detail of how you moved with your friends. Taking their hands and leading them in circles, dragging them behind you, pulling them into any silly dance they'd let you. He wanted that; to know how it felt holding your hand, and being that close. 'Would you do that with me?' He found himself wondering. God- what's wrong with him? He doesn't care about you or your friends or the way you held their hands, and not his. Anxin wasn't bothered.. not at all.

오늘도 내가 날 속이는 거짓말 ㅠ (Today again, I lie to myself, sigh)

Anxin couldn't take it. It's been weeks of him dealing with the stupid feelings in his chest and the unusually sappy thoughts in his head ever since he started paying attention to you, and he couldn't stand it. He couldn't handle pretending and staying so far away from you. Yet, he still can't bring himself to be anything but cold to you. You were always kind enough to make small talk with anyone, happiness spilling from you and infecting others as you spoke about anything to anyone. Somehow, Anxin still managed to brush you off and withstand your happy virus. Anxin would have to lie to himself time and time again. Pushing you away and feeding himself more lies. 'I don't like yn. They're a friend.. a mutual friend, we're just acquaintances.' Anxin was consumed by thoughts of you. He felt crazy, writing your name on his papers in class. Scribbling down doodles of you, writing and erasing the same phrase again and again. 'yn.. friends. friend-yn. don't like yn...' it was like an affirmation on all the corners of his papers.

Until one day, Anxin arrived late to class. His hair was tussled, uniform messy, and wrinkling. He threw himself into his usual seat and slumped over with a groan. Anxin couldn't even bother putting his contacts in; he'd stayed up late overthinking about a certain someone and didn't get up on time. Anxin dragged his hands down his face in an attempt to wake himself up and motivate himself to endure the rest of the school day.

Begrudgingly, he slapped his notebooks and pencil onto the table, before anyone could scold him, and mindlessly wrote whatever he could see on the board through the mess of hair covering his eyes. Eventually, he looked down at his notes only to see a page full of illegible words; he couldn't make out his own handwriting from hieroglyphics if he tried… Other than- you're kidding.

Anxin whipped his head around the classroom in search of you. The second his eyes focused on the words he wrote. You were a few rows ahead of him, talking to Zihao, too far for him to understand what was being said. Anxin buried his head in his arms. He felt mortified, embarrassed, ashamed of himself even, and no one's even seen what he wrote.. yet.

좋아해 옆에다 쓰고픈 한 글자 — you (There’s one word I want to write next to “like” — you) There in his notebook read, 'like ynniee. 사랑, 사랑.. like ynnn' in his horrendous, illegible handwriting, there it was. Anxin's more unconscious and 'dream-like' thoughts seemed to take over while he was supposed to be taking notes. Of course, this would happen to him today, the day he's late- because he was too busy thinking about you, the day he finally felt fed up with his stupid feelings. His face fell and plopped onto his folded arms on the table. He couldn't face you today. If you even tried speaking to him today, he might just fully break down. Anxin's eyes peeked out through his folded arms to look at you; too occupied giggling with Zihao over who-knows-what in your own world to even acknowledge, let alone understand, his inner turmoil.

He.. liked, you. Anxin hopelessly liked you, and he didn't know if he could handle that.

That's all besides the point anyway. He truly is a gentleman. Nothing was performative for girls to like him or anything crazy. Woojin really was raised right. Despite this being true— he did favor you over others. Woojin was guilty of giving you special treatment, and even more guilty of trying to pretend he didn't.

Woojin, one of your closest friends would always walk you home. After a rigorous day of work he'd show up right as you were clocking out just to walk you home. He'd always say the same thing each time he picked you up:

"I just don't want anything happening to you, that's all. It's to keep you safe, y'know. What if someone tried to attack you and I wasn't there!"

But was that really true? Even after a day of hanging out- it was only 5:00 P.M. The sun was nowhere near setting, yet he still insisted he walked you home. Sure, one would say he meant it in a platonic way, but when you were the only person he did this for... your other friends grew slightly suspicious which in turn spread to you.

Today was a day like every other day. Working all day, serving customers and finally getting to finish up work as the sun started to set. As always, you heard the bell from the door of the small cafe ring. You didn't bother looking up to see who it was, no one else comes to this cafe on the specific day that you're closing other than Woojin.

"C'mon, ynnie," You could hear his whines as he stood leaning against the front counter of the cafe. "I'm going, I'm going, gosh..." The lights were off, the cafe cleaned up, and doors were locked as you two stepped out into the chilly air of the night.

Woojin stuck close by your side as the two of you took the usual route back to your house. There was an odd silence between you two, like you both knew something but were too afraid to speak. Years of friendship sat between you and Woojin, but who was gonna break this silence?

"Why so quiet, ynnie?" He bumped your shoulders together teasingly, but you could tell his tone wasn't his usual. He tried to cover it with teasing, but you could already feel how awkward he was being.

"Woojin, do you treat me differently?" The question was kind of sudden on your end, but this was better than forcing a smile through a painfully awkward conversation.

His voice was worried. He seemed concerned that he may have caused you to feel hurt, "What do you mean? Did I say something before or-" You cut him off before he could ramble.

"I mean like- special treatment. I've never seen you walk anyone but me home before... why?" You didn't mean for it to come out sounding angry. It was more confusion and maybe doubt that flooded your mind while you were asking.

"If you think I have some ulterior motives with it, I don't! I mean it when I say I want you to be safe, really... If I'm making you think I want something else out of this other than you being safe, I'm so sorry." Woojin rambled on, panicked and exasperated.

By now, you two had stopped walking; now standing in the middle of the sidewalk after dark, staring at each other while only being a few feet apart.

"Woojin." Your hands reached out towards his sides to squeeze him by his arms. "Calm down, I never thought you had any weird motives... But-" You sighed, more frustrated with your inability to express yourself than at him. "Why, do you give me special treatment?" You sounded more stern now. You wanted- no needed a straight answer.

"Hanuem's always telling me you don't treat me like just a friend.." Determination was obvious in the way you spoke. You would not back down without an answer. Not when you've been going crazy over this— him for weeks.

"What I'm trying to say is- I don't want to go crazy thinking you like me if in reality you don't and this is all some big misunderstanding.." You tried to hopefully look up at him but your nerves took over and your eyes couldn't stay in one spot. There was a silent pause and you didn't want to know what Woojin was thinking.

Woojin almost jumped with joy whilst you were still assuming he'd run away forever, the largest grin spread across his face. His large hands reached up to your face gently holding it as he spoke.

"yn.. I do like you. I just didn't know how to tell you without making it weird or ruining stuff because I really-really like you..." Woojin's voice was relieved and his shoulders finally dropped. He was standing there, smiling wide eyes shaping into small crescents from happiness. All while you were stood frozen with shock.

"So I wasn't crazy..?" Your head whipped up, craning your neck to see him. A joyous smile slowly crept onto your face as his words finally registered in your head. He nodded in confirmation and a slight flush of pink took over your face but that was definitely the cold nights airs fault. All you know now is that Woojin likes you, he really does, and you aren't crazy. Now you get to walk home with your... boyfriend?