there's a weight on my chest

“Would you rather have weird Kit Kat flavors from Japan or different odd flavors of cookies from Canada?” 

“As much as I love culturally diverse anything I would have to go with the safe route and pick cookies from Canada. Better maple cookies than wasabi Kit Kats.”

The more he spoke the further into confusion she fell. Her eyes read most of her emotions while she listened to his words, trying to decipher what he meant somehow. Lettie had never heard sentences like this. Each thing he said was put together so delicately that she got lost inside of the meaning. “Howl… I don’t quite understand…” She believed that he might be confessing his heart to her which was the opposite of what she wanted. Love was not for her. Relationships were no longer a part of her life. Lettie had sealed herself off from that. “Why must we look so deep into what we have? I… I can’t do this… I’m sorry…” The blonde immediately got to her feet. Tears had already began staining her once rosy cheeks. “I have to go… I’m so sorry… I’m wrong for you, I’m poison to anyone who gets near me. I’d stay away from me if I were you.”

Howl got to his feet and followed her. “Lettie, please!” He took both of her hands in his and squeezed tightly, but had a fragile grip as to not to hurt her. “Because I don’t know what it is that we have! I want to figure it out because I lie in bed awake at night and think of you. Then my mind begins to wander as I compare you to the constellations and think of how none of them are good enough to compare you to. If you’re poison why do I feel cured of loneliness when I’m with you? I think my corruption has poisoned me enough and you are my antidote, Lettie. You cannot say you’re wrong for me when just weeks ago you were melting in my arms as our hearts connected through a kiss. I won’t accept that you don’t feel this way for me when I know you do. I can see it in your eyes. It hurts you to leave, but something horrible happened to you and you’re afraid. I am too. Something terrible also happened to me that it took me weeks to tell you this. I feel like you could change the way I see love.” He dropped her hands and took a step back from her as an uneasy feeling consumed him. “I cannot force you to stay though. And, I must admit that even if you do I would still be afraid. Afraid you will see my flaws and leave. Lettie, please don’t cry though. The last thing I want to do is hurt you. I know you aren’t the person that would hurt me though. Can’t two frightened, damaged people learn to love again with each other?”

The blonde caved, exhaling before going to sit down. She never moved her eyes from her hands which sat delicately in her lap. “Is something wrong, Howl? You don’t seem like yourself.” 

“I don’t know. Perhaps.” Howl sighed dramatically and sunk back into his chair. “I’ll admit I’m so terribly lonely these past few nights, Lettie. And since our last interaction nothing has been on my mind but you.” He sat up straight and looked over to her. He stood up and walked over until he was kneeling in front of her where she was sitting. “I could do as Shakespeare did and compare thee to a summer’s day, but Aristotle seems more fitting for the moment. ‘Love is composed of single soul inhabiting two bodies.’ You cannot tell me you deny these same feelings for yourself.” Howl took her hands in his. “Lettie, I’ve been having terrible dreams. Nothing is stopping them. I believe this to be karmas way of bringing us together tonight. It has brought two halves of one soul that cannot keep away for too long. Like Eve gained part  of Adam’s ribs when we were created we gained part of one soul which I believe to be ours.”

Lettie felt bad, she wanted to be there for him but she felt like she wouldn’t be good company at the moment. Sadness had overwhelmed her once again. “I don’t think I’d be the best person to be around. I’m not feeling very talkative…”

“We don’t have to talk, darling. Just sit with me. We could watch a noir film. I don’t want to be left alone. I shouldn’t be. Not tonight.”

She immediately felt uncomfortable. Too many men had touched her whole intoxicated, too many men had paid for her company after tossing back a few shots, too many men had defiled her. The girl pulled back her wrist and looked down. “I… I think it’d be better if I go… You’re drunk, you should rest.”

Howl dropped back into the chair he was sitting in with a sullen look on his face.”I’m not tired. And I don’t want to be alone.” He looked up at her, with the manipulative puppy-dog face he had mastered. “But, it’s fine. Leave. I’ll just sit here and drink alone.”

Lettie stared at him for a moment, slowly shaking her head as her feet backtracked. She had come to him that evening for help. Feelings of regret and her nightmares clouded her thoughts. Although, she was quite disappointed by what she saw. “No… That’s alright… I better get going, I didn’t know you were um, busy. Have a nice night, Howl.”

“Lettie, no!” Howl scrambled to his feet and grabbed her wrist. “Stay here with me? Please? I get lonely at night.” He gave her a pouty look. “I’m never too busy for you, Lettie.”

The girl did as she was instructed, silencing herself and falling into his embrace. It had been years since she’d felt anyone’s body this close to hers. Something about this felt nice, like she was at home in someone else’s arms. Perhaps Lettie could continue being his North Star though she was unsure. “Yeah, that was a pretty good explanation I think.” Lettie fell against him as he went back into the kiss. “You confuse me.” She said softly, her lips still brushing on his as she spoke.  

Howl pulled his lips from hers and opened his eyes to look at her. A smile came on his face. He gently caressed her face with the back of his first two fingers. “I know I do. I’m sorry. I have effect on people.”

“Why not? Can’t a girl imagine something greater? I’ve always wanted to be a star. When I die I still tell myself I might be.” She exhaled, a smile forming on her lips as her eyes stayed on the sky. Lettie couldn’t help but to hope for something greater. “What is someone without their imagination, Howl? We are not truly people if we are not able to think in such a way unlike anyone else.” He thought that way, different than anyone else. “What do you mean? My aura? Try to explain it to me.” Just as she looked to him with a smile his hand was around her and just as confusion started to set in his lips were already against hers. “Oh… Hello to you too.”

“Shh...” Howl hushed against her lips. His hands found their place on her hips and he pressed his body against hers. His chest against hers made a tingle go down his spine as he could feel how well rounded she was. His lips moved with hers and one of his hands moved up to rest against her neck. “Hi..” he whispered as he pulled away to take a breath. “Was that explanation enough?” he asked breathlessly before kissing her again.

Lettie thought about saying something in return but decided it best if she kept her lips sealed. He was quite stuck in his ways which she knew she would not be able to change. Instead the blonde followed behind him, her eyes moving up per his instructions. “I wonder if they’re happy up there. Even in death, have they found peace? Do they know how they bless the world with their light? Do they know how much they are loved? Will they ever know?” An exhale was all she could manage. “That statement causes me great concern. I’m not good to be around. I am not what I seem to be, Howl. You must see that.”

“Lettie!” Howl exclaimed. “That’s silly. Stars can’t find peace or have emotion. They’re just gas.” He turned to her. “Dead balls of gas.” He smiled at her again and shook his head. “You never cease to amaze me, Lettie Hatter. You’re so imaginative. And whenever I’m around you I get these strange feelings. And-- And your aura. Oh, don’t get me started on that. It’s the brightest and most delightful that I’ve ever seen. It makes me want to... Sometimes I just-- I can’t even explain. I should just show you.” Howl wrapped his arm around her torso and pulled her close before pressing his lips to hers.

“That can’t be true. For my hands are empty, I have nothing to offer, yet I know nothing. How can the least have the most when I have neither? While you with your hands filled are the most intelligent person I’ve ever met.” The girl had been lost for many years when it came to the world around her. She knew where she belonged and she stayed right there. Howl seemed to be quite the opposite. “You are surely mad if you think that. The world betrays you if that’s what you see in me.” Lettie simply could not believe that she was more than her past. “You flatter me, Howl. Why? What have I ever done to deserve your kindness?”

Howl shook his head. “Enough of this nonsense, Lettie. I don’t care for the past. I would like to focus on now and the future.” He led her out of the school doors and looked up at the stars. “Look at the stars,” he told her. “They’re all dead. But even in death can the greatest of minds find beauty. Perhaps that’s why Poe was so amazing with his words of macabre.” Howl looked back to her. “Nothing. Perhaps you don’t deserve any of the affection I show you, but why should I care if karma decides you don’t? If karma truly thought you didn’t deserve my kindness would we be here at this very moment in time? I think not. The more I am around you, the more I find myself wanting to be closer to you.”

“I suppose that makes sense.” The girl’s eyes were squinted for a moment before she just decided to nod, thinking that she understood what he was saying to her. He was a riddle and she didn’t believe she’d ever be able to solve it. Howl was a compass, going every which way while Lettie was the north star, constant and always the same. “The way you see the world is nothing as I do. There seems so little to figure out sometimes, though there must be so much more I have yet to see.” Her blonde curls bounced as she shook her head, that was a silly thought to have. Of course she hadn’t seen it all and she never would. “I am quite tainted, Howl. I am covered in the filth of my own sins, never to be washed clean. For a woman born so pure is now dirty, nothing more.” Her eyes met his as she exhaled softly. “Then perhaps you truly are blind.”

Howl looked to the sky and smiled ironically. “Everyone things they have it all figured out. They don’t. It’s usually the man with so little that knows more than one with everything. The less you have, the more you know. They have more time to get to know the world.” He was going in all different directions at all times, but he always stopped in the same direction, and that was Lettie. “You could be as dirty as the darkest of seas, but you will always be the clear blues that reveal the ocean’s secrets to me.” He let out a soft but long sigh. “I would rather be blind to your sins an be struck down from the Lord above than never have met you.”

Lettie was always fascinated by him, the way he spoke captivated her. “Do you? I didn’t exactly see you as someone who would need their eyes reopened to such a thing. You had me fooled, I’d assumed you had the world all figured out.” The blonde’s eyes stayed on him and a smile painted her face. “For what if the beauty you seek is not beauty at all? But only an image created out of lies, one that has left you mistaken.”

“Sometimes I over sleep, I admit. So it is much harder for me to open my eyes.” He began to talk, the sound of her voice being the fuel for his fire yet he was walking on water. “No one has the world completely figured out, love. It has too many endless possibilities. You and I will be long dead before then.” Howl stopped in his tracks and sharply turned to face her. “If it’s made of lies then I could not care less for I have already lived the lifetime of three sinners. Lettie...” He placed his hands on her cheeks and smiled. “I don’t make mistakes, and you will be the farthest thing from one I will ever make.”

The girl listened to him, his words sounding like honey when he spoke. She’d always found herself fascinated by what he had to say. “It’s been quite some time since my eyes have been opened, my friend. I’ve become blind to things like that. Perhaps you can help me see them again.”

Howl brushed the hair from his eyes and took her hand. “Well, my dear, what better time to do it than the present? I think my eyes need to be reopened as well.” He smiled and turned to look at her again. “I think they’re already beginning to,” he said. “How could I appreciate such beauty if they aren’t?”

It had been quite some time since she’d seen Howl which made her quite surprised to see him. The blonde returned the smile as her nose scrunched up slightly. “Where have you been hiding? I haven’t seen you for ages.”

Howl returned the hug. “I’ve been here and there and everywhere. Look around you though. I’m everywhere you look.  You just have to find reminders of me, and I will be there. Just open your eyes, Lettie.”