I'm on a death drive

giggling realizing how little pictures there are of me in my teen years that i didn’t take <3 love seeing families with walls of pictures of their kids throughout their life’s and knowing neither of my parents do that <3 i hate how much i talk about them it’s embarrassing but my other mentally ill deeply traumatized friend does too and that makes me feel a little better actually. like yeah we don’t have therapists and talk to people for a living we’re gonna circle to that eventually it’s us processing whether we are consciously aware of it or not.

here are two break downs i wrote on another app and didn’t post love being off my meds for even a few days

i have no idea how i function i cannot feed myself worth shit i hate the idea of eating till i eat i’ve had in the past two days a wendy’s double meal, frosty, one slice of pizza, ice popsicle and one full 16 ox cup of peanut butter

i just don’t know how to make food more appealing or the idea of food. i love food i love baking and watching food content, my parents drilled into my head through their own self hate how much they hated bigger bodies and so did some of the people around me.

i work a at times a labor intensive job, today i worked a 14 hour shift did not get a break , on my feet the whole time and only ate that cup of peanut butter sporadically, also i had essentially a shake weight in both of my hands for at least 7 hours today.

i just wish i could have more energy which im sure i could solve by eating right. but getting there fcuking sucks and im dirt shit poor rn

ironically next bit was written another time i went without meds for a little too long

just realized in three years i’ll have been medicated for 13 years, half my life. i think it’ll probably be more, i cannot function my anxiety is too bad i would lose everything, it would begin a downward spiral. i was off my meds for a little bit due to life and the way it

crashed into me like a tsunami, i had forgotten what it was truly like. i became a shriveled person of myself so wrapped inward, distrustful, and scared. im only just now getting back to normal it feels like and it was only 2 weeks i was off them.

i didn’t get these until i was 18, i was treated for depression before. it changed my life and it has only been for the better. it’s just scary, knowing what the other side is like and having lived it for so long and knowing there is little i could do to not immediately go back off them. not have it happen if i could not afford my meds. i hate it i hate it i hate it

this time it was only 5 days but i forgot how much i burn it feels like my stomach stared a campfire it builds it sways with the wind it curls into my sides my arms my fingertips burn with electricity im barely plugged into a wall arcing between meat bones and the metal floor. i see motives in those where there are none its not even all out of my system how does it do this why am i like this i couldn’t fucking function without them i couldn’t pay rent i would die i would not live in any scenario basically. i know i can afford it now i know i have a long term dedicated psych i know how deeply privileged i am to have that. i know when i do this self fear mongering i am imagining a scenario many live in to say i would kill myself is hurtful to them but also if i have to return and live at home i will just die. its a fact.