I made 100 days today! I was crying about the gay dancing movie I just watched but now I'm crying about this. And I was feeling proud about doing a performance that made me very scared to do and now I'm proud about this. I am continuing to shape my life with my bare hands and a commitment to my own happiness and it is incredible how much I've grown.
The piece I did yesterday referenced two hugely important events in my recent life. The first was seeing A Woman Under the Influence on November 17, 2024, which prompted me to begin digging out of the hole I'd buried myself in. The second was having ecstatically enjoyable sex for the first time since getting a vagina (and well before that tbqh) and that was August 16, 2025. In not even two years I've gone from barely ever leaving the house (I've really got to credit going to Chicago Sky games for keeping me minimally connected to the outside world during the bad times) to this confident and joyful and loving person I thought I'd lost forever.
What didn't fit into the piece was the role that getting totally sober had in allowing me to properly grieve my dad. The timing of that is also very fitting, in that I started using weed again after several years sober while planning his funeral. I'm kind of surprised by how little I miss it. I'm a aggravatingly light sleeper these days, and I'm still figuring out how to manage my migraines (we're trying daily propranolol as a preventive measure in addition to the as needed zolmitriptan), and I wish I had some way to transition from being hectically busy to vegging out when I need to, but the daily moderate to heavy use dropped out of my life with shockingly little protest.
I was talking with my ex-wife about it and they mentioned that I seem more present these days, and then clarified that it's not that I wasn't attentive previously. I offered that I'm an active participant in conversations and situations now and they agreed that's what they meant. Being high kept me from trusting my ability to engage people and that hesitation took over how I approached social situations. This was a facet of how I was increasingly, and frustratingly, slower and duller than I felt like I should be, and was a major factor in me finally pulling the trigger on getting sober. I'm smart and personable! Fuck with me!
dailybridgerton
theartofmadeline
titsay
annaxmalina
2087
