I'm really sorry, Caleb, for being such a wimp lately. Honestly, all I want to do is make you happy, by literally whatever means necessary, and yet, I keep finding myself in predicaments where I have to apologize to you. It's like I'm trying so hard to do everything right and to keep myself from screwing things up with you because I still can't understand how someone as beautiful and perfect as you could want to be with or fall for someone like me. I don't mean to sound so self depreciative when saying that, but that is how I feel. In my eyes, you're a God and I'm just boring and average and undesirable. You're out of my league and knowing that, I want to do everything perfectly to the extent that I sit here and just overthink every little thing, and any time I feel as though I'm the slightest bit of an inconvenience, that overthinking leads me to the thought of you leaving, or of you wanting to leave, or of Emma wanting you to leave, and from those three thoughts, a hundred more possibilities are created, and from those, hundreds of more...endless possibilities (that's exaggerated, but essentially how I feel). As contradictory as it sounds, I offer you those opportunities to leave because, in all truthfulness, you leaving or breaking up with me is my biggest fear, and those opportunities are just my only defense against feelings as unprepared for that abandonment (just because that's how it'll feel to me and I can't change that). So out of fear of you leaving me, I give you the opportunity to do so, all the while praying that you never do because as much as I say I understand and it'll be alright and I'll be okay, etc, I don't believe at all that I could take it, tbh.
That being said, I also can't yet admit that I do viciously need you. Truthfully, I don't want to and the very thought of it is causing me to tear up. I love that you want for me to need you like that or at all, but, I'm so afraid that once I do say or type those words, suddenly you'll leave me and for some reason even though I know the words are true, saying them to you or typing them and allowing you to read it, just makes me feel like it'll hurt so much more. But in addition to being more reassuring about how much I want you to stay with me forever, and giving you less opportunities to leave, I want to be able to say those words to you by the time you get off of work today. I'm not promising that I'll be able to, and I'm going to regret even putting this in here once you begin reading it, but hopefully by the time you're done working, I'll have worked up the courage to say that to you (although, I feel like it wouldn't be immediately after you read it because like, I just can't see the flow into that). It's just hard because I'm trying to work on myself and my bpd and emotional intensity and attachments and dependability, and my feelings for you have already surpassed a point that I can control and at this point just containing them is hard for me and every time I literally think about saying any of the stuff that is in my head about you and how I feel and how truly, madly, and deeply I am in love with you, I foresee myself crying and that just sounds like my face and voice would not be the move. But I don't think it's fair for me to not be completely open and vulnerable with you and the only way I feel as though I can do that is if I stop downplaying my emotions and feelings about you and I stop giving into all of the fear of you leaving me before I push you away.
