ᶳᵒᶠᵗ ʰᵉᵃʳᵗˑ ᵐᵉᵃᶰ ᵇᶤᵗᵉˑ

couldn’t do it. DISTANCE. not a single ounce of physical attention & affection & he is a creature who needs it to SURVIVE. don’t think it didn’t ( nearly ) break his heart doing what he did; impulsive, sure, & right after he’d wanted to call & take it all back. BUT HE KNEW IT’D JUST HAPPEN AGAIN. impatient & needy & sad. “ ….yeah, “ it’s quiet, strained. doesn’t want to talk when his CHEST HURTS. his throat is full. jaw aches. MOVED ON. so quick— bet it was easy. just like emma. everyone moves on from rudiger grace & yet he still holds people so closely to his heart. it hurts. maybe it’s good he’s going to die. “ i’ll leave soon. y’don’t want me here, i know, i’ve been through this before. “

DISTANCE, again  --- why would kristoff want that, of all things ? he should be pushing rudi away, it would save him a lot of troublesome heartache. but god knows the hound still longed for the ghoul, and honestly, kristoff felt it was unfair. a deep sigh rolled from his nostrils, thoughts speeding through kris’ mind -- lips miming words ; soundless.  “ ......i... “ 

HAS NO PLACE. nowhere to go. nowhere to be. nowhere to belong. a frown threatens to contort ( dirty ) countenance. feels HEAVY against the ground, like gravity is pushing him extra hard to the floor. wants to slink away, into the ground— into the EARTH. rest once more in the grave made for him eleven years ago. it’s where he belongs.  “ didn’t think yous was COMIN’ BACK, “ he says as a matter-of-fact. “ n’ it’s gone. got too lonely….ain’t like it there. it’s gone. NO JOB, eithah. all gone. “

IT was moments like these that the hound found it particularly hard to hate rudiger for leaving him. look at him, being utterly pathetic, what a sad little (BIG) creature. though it might of been the distance between them that really put the nail in their confusingly romantic, metaphorical coffin, it still hurt to think rudi found it so easy to cut ties with him. dwelling on such things didn’t tend to help, only aided and fed into the incertitude kristoff felt.

“ — don’t got no place to BE, “ well, he’s honest. doesn’t see the point in lying. AT THIS POINT, even pity is welcomed. get someone to become concerned for him– worry, care. nobody cares anymore. DEJA VU. there’s a loud exhale through his nose, cheek resting on the WOOD below. fingers move, slowly, scratching lightly at it.  “ s’cold outside, “

of course he’s been CAUGHT. was inevitable, right ? he’ll just convince himself that so there’s less embarrassment. hiding under the bed to BEGIN WITH was a bit….stupid. but it’s his favorite place– !  they meet eyes & rudi can’t help but advert his gaze. MAYBE IF HE DOESN’T SEE HIM, the ghoul will just convince himself that this is just one of his many ( vivid ) hallucinations. “ — no, “ he lies, very weakly.

a few times a week– when he’s AROUND– the ghoul tends to revisit places that gives him some kind of FOND MEMORY to sit on. needs to think good things; likes to come to kris’ old apartment, sit in places they’d use to sit together. it’s actually TORTURE, as well, but the ghoul has something of an addiction to it. pain. likes to hurt himself. it’s always EMPTY when he comes in. empty & cold & dark & lonely. sometimes stays here for hours now that he’s LOST HIS HOME. his own fault, but who could blame him for leaving it all ?  rudi’s been here for a little while; hearing FOOTSTEPS & seeing lights come on…now that sure gave him a fright. managed silence, but if his heart still beat, it’d be slamming against his RIB CAGE. a bit of a funny situation if thought about, though. rudiger grace sneaking into an exes apartment, STUCK UNDER THE BED ( yes, under the bed. he likes it there ). he tries to move very slowly, subtly, but with not much room under there, it moves– he moves it, & there’s a curse.  “ – fuck, “

WHY is it that unpacking always took for fucking ever ? he felt like it’d been a century already, when in reality kristoff had only been home for five minutes. there was just something about taking things out and putting them away in their rightful place, from a suitcase to his closet. it was tedious but at the same time quite, therapeutic. HE’D been away for a month or so, and since then learnt a few things about himself. for example: chicago is extremely windy and he doesn’t like that, he doesn’t particularly enjoy turkish food and the breakup with rudiger had been harder on him than he’d anticipated. a couple of men and women had tried to hit on kristoff during his work placement in chicago  --  but he’d shut them down as soon as he realised that was the case. it was obvious that rudi wouldn’t be getting back with him, kristoff wasn’t delusional, but it hurt to think of himself with anyone else that soon after the end of their relationship. THESE thoughts had been brought to the surface due to kristoff finding some of rudi’s things in his bedroom when unpacking, a shirt here, a hoody there  -  some guy-liner and the random sock. a little sad really, that he was being haunted by possessions of a past boyfriend and it still upset him. then again, the wound was still pretty fresh so perhaps he should cut himself some slack.

[ ezra voice on the multiple occasions i sent these lyrics to them ]: ……

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