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BACK IN VIET-FUCKING-NAM, MAN, IF YOUR NUMBER GOT CALLED, IT MEANT YOUR ASS. SOME GUYS TRIED TO BEAT THE DRAFT BY GOING TO COLLEGE OR KNOCKING UP A GIRLFRIEND AND GETTING MARRIED; OTHERS TRIED TO COP SOME RAGTIME ABOUT BEING BORN WITH FLAT FEET OR SHOWED UP TO THEIR ARMY PHYSICAL IN A DRESS, BUT THE CHANCES OF THOSE METHODS WORKING WERE SLIM TO NONE. AS THE WISE OLD NEGRO SAYETH: MAN SAY GO, YOU GO.

I DON’T KNOW IF VIETNAM WAS THE FIRST MODERN WAR BEHOLDEN TO THE LAWLESS SPIRIT OF SEX, DRUGS AND ROCK’N’ROLL, BUT IT WAS CERTAINLY THE FIRST WAR SOLD AS SUCH. FOR THOSE OF US WHO WEREN’T THERE, WE’VE HAD THE OPPORTUNITY TO WATCH PLATOON ENOUGH TIMES TO KNOW THAT AMERICAN SOLDIERS IN VIETNAM COULD ONLY PROCESS THE HORRORS THEY WITNESSED DAILY– AND, IN MANY CASES, CONTRIBUTED TO – WITH THE AID OF BOOZE, DOPE, MOTOWN AND SEX WITH PROSTITUTES.  WHAT WE THE PUBLIC HAVEN’T FAMILIARIZED OURSELVES ENOUGH WITH IS STORIES ABOUT THE AFTERMATH OF THAT HEDONISTIC DEATHFEST, AND WHAT WAS LEFT BEHIND AFTER THE LAST U.S. CHOPPER FLED SAIGON. “GREEN EYES”, ALTHOUGH TOLD WITHIN THE FRIENDLY 1:33:1 FRAMEWORK OF TELEVISION, ATTEMPTS TO SHED SOME LIGHT ON THIS PERIOD.

THE FILM BEGINS IN THE BACKWOODS OF SOME COUNTRY BUNGHOLE, WHERE PAUL WINFIELD (A HERO AIN’T NOTHIN’ BUT A SANDWICH), A CRIPPLED VIETNAM VET, PAYS A VISIT TO THE HOME OF ONE OF HIS BUDDIES FROM THE SERVICE. IT’S A LITTLE SUPRISING WHEN THE PERSON WHO ANSWERS THE DOOR IS WHITE AND DOESN’T CHASE PAUL OFF WITH A 12-GAUGE. YEAH, THE PARENTS OF THIS DEAD SOLDIER MUST BE QUAKERS COS THEY LAY ON REAL THICK WITH THE OLD “OUR SON WAS KILLED FOR NO REASON” BUSINESS. PAUL, JUST BACK FROM HIS TOUR OF HELL, TELLS THE BEREAVED THEY’RE WRONG. DEAD WRONG.

IT’S BEEN SAID THAT THE BOND A SOLDIER MAKES WITH ANOTHER SOLDIER IS DEEPER THAN ANYTHING HE’LL FORGE ANYWHERE ELSE, EXCEPT MAYBE PRISON. PERHAPS THIS REFLECTS THE GENERAL OUTLOOK OF SOLDIERS, WHO, BY AND LARGE, ARE IMPARTIAL TO THE POLITICS OF ANY WAR THEY FIND THEMSELVES FIGHTING. IDEOLOGY IS FOR POLITICIANS; FOR EVERYONE ELSE, SURVIVAL IS THE MAIN MOTIVATION.

PAUL RETURNS HOME TO THE SOUTHSIDE OF SOME POOR AMERICAN CITY AND CAN’T CATCH A BREAK. NOBODY WANTS TO HIRE HIM BECAUSE HE’S A CRIPPLED VETERAN. WHEN PAUL GETS TIRED OF PLAYING PINBALL WITH THE OTHER JOBLESS MOTHERFUCKERS, HE BEGS HIS MAMA TO GIVE UP HER “KNEES MONEY” SO HE CAN RETURN TO SAIGON AND REUNITE WITH THE MOTHER OF HIS CHILD. MAMA HAS A COW, URGING PAUL TO FORGET ABOUT THAT CHAPTER IN HIS LIFE.

“No half-breed child of a Chinese slut is gonna throw out what I done spent my whole life scrubbing toilets for.”

-Mama

BUT PAUL CAN’T GIVE IT UP. THE BABY BOY, HE’S BEEN TOLD, HAS GREEN EYES JUST LIKE HIM, AND IT’S HIS MISSION TO FIND HIM.

PAUL GETS HIS ONE-WAY TICKET BACK TO SAIGON, WHERE SOME GRAINY STOCK FOOTAGE IS INCORPORATED BY THE FILM’S EDITORS BECAUSE “GREEN EYES”, MADE AFTER SAIGON HAD CLOSED OFF TO THE WEST AND BEEN RENAMED HO CHI MINH CITY, WAS MOST LIKELY LENSED ON AMERICA-FRIENDLY SHORES LIKE THE PHILIPPINES.

PAUL TAKES A CAB TO A SECTION OF SAIGON KNOWN AS “SOUL ALLEY”. THIS IS WHERE HE AND OTHER BLACK G.I.’s STAYED DURING R+R STINTS.

A BUNCH OF LITTLE THIRD-WORLD EXTRAS MATERIALIZE, KNOWING PAUL IS AN AMERICAN AND MIGHT HAVE PENCILS AND CHICLETS.

PAUL FINDS THE APARTMENT WHERE HIS BABY MAMA STAYS, BUT NO ONE’S HOME. 

HE CHEERS UP WHEN HE’S GREETED BY HIS BABY MAMA’S COUSIN, FANG. THEY PROCEED TO DO A CONVOLUTED HANDSHAKE SLASH BOOGALOO THAT PAUL NO DOUBT TAUGHT THE LITTLE SLOPE LATE ONE NIGHT WHEN HE WAS HIGH ON REEFER.

FANG INVITES PAUL IN TO SPEAK WITH MAMA-SAN, BUT SHE’S TOO DISTRACTED TRYING TO FISH A BUFFALO NICKEL OUT OF HER TEA TO ANSWER ANY OF PAUL’S LINE OF QUESTIONING.

TROUBLED AND RESTLESS, PAUL TAKES A WALK TO CLEAR HIS HEAD. HE FINDS A PARK AND SITS DOWN. ALMOST IMMEDIATELY, PAUL GETS PROPOSITIONED BY A FRIENDLY LADY OF THE NIGHT. HE TELLS HER HE’S TOO BROKE TO FUCK; IF HE NEEDS A TUGJOB LATER, HE’LL DO IT HIMSELF.

WHEN THE CHICK SPLITS, A LITTLE KID COMES OVER AND TRIES TO HUSTLE PAUL, PRETENDING THAT HE’S SEEN PAUL’S CHILD. THEN HE STEALS PAUL’S ARMY JACKET. PAUL CHASES HIM, BUT WITH HIS BAD LEG HE CAN’T CATCH UP.

THE NEXT DAY, PAUL BEGINS CANVASSING THE UNDERBELLY OF SAIGON FOR HIS BABY MAMA. HE STOPS AT AN ORPHANAGE, WHERE HE MEETS THE DIRECTOR, AN ENGLISHWOMAN (RITA TUSHINGHAM, THE KNACK... AND HOW TO GET IT) WHO OFFERS HIM ARMY RATION LEMONADE.

SHE GIVES PAUL THE SKINNY ON ADOPTION IN SAIGON, A SOUL-CRUSHING MASS OF RED TAPE THAT MAKES AMERICA’S SYSTEM LOOK CIVILIZED.

MISS RITA ALSO TELLS PAUL THAT HIS SON WAS MOST LIKELY ABANDONED BECAUSE OF HIS BEING PART BLACK. TO KEEP THE CHILD WOULD HAVE BESET THE MOTHER WITH A FAR MORE TRICKY STANDING IN VIETNAMESE SOCIETY.

AT THIS POINT, PAUL WANTS TO BURY HIS HEAD IN A BOILING POT OF PHO AND PEACE OUT. HE DISTRACTS HIMSELF WITH A COMBAT FLASHBACK, THE CLASSIC DRIVING-DOWN-SOME-COUNTRY-ROAD-AND-HITTING-A-LANDMINE NUMBER.

THREE-QUARTERS OF THE SPECIAL EFFECTS BUDGET DOWN THE TUBES.

PAUL NOTICES THE PALLETS OF CHEAP CLOTHING IN THE MARKETPLACE ARE ALL MARKED WITH THE SAME STENCIL.

PAUL VISITS ONE OF THE ORPHANAGES MISS RITA MENTIONED. HE FINDS AN OVERCROWDED ROOM AND A BUNCH OF UNSUPERVISED KIDS TEARING THE PLACE APART.

WHEN PAUL APPROACHES THE ADULT IN CHARGE, HE FINDS HE’S SPEAKING TO A FUCKING BLIND PERSON. DAMN. SUBTLE.

PAUL WRITES A LETTER TO HIS MAMA, TELLING HER ABOUT THE THINGS HE’S SEEN IN THE ORPHANAGES, AND THE KIND OF POVERTY THAT DOESN’T COMPARE TO ANYTHING HE KNOWS BACK IN AMERICA.

THIS IS THE PART WHEN “GREEN EYES” ESSENTIALLY BECOMES AN ADVERT FOR UNICEF.

PAUL BUYS A BUNCH OF BANANAS AND FEEDS THE LITTLE MONKEYS. HE STARTS SPENDING MORE TIME WITH THEM. IT GIVES HIM A SENSE OF PURPOSE.

THEN HE RUNS INTO THE LITTLE FUCKER WHO STOLE HIS ARMY JACKET. THE KID, CALLED TRUNG, KNOWING HE’S GOT ABOUT TWO SECONDS TO LIVE BEFORE PAUL’S BIG BLACK FISTS COME RAINING DOWN, PROMISES TO HELP PAUL FIND HIS SON.

“Kid, you ain’t worth the skin on my knuckles. Where he at?

TRUNG TAKES PAUL TO A BAR TO MEET A FIXER, ONE OF THOSE GUYS WHO KNOWS PEOPLE AND HOW TO PROCURE THINGS.

THE GUY TURNS OUT TO BE PAUL’S OLD ARMY BUDDY, MIAMI BEACH. THIS CAT FAKED HIS OWN DEATH TO GET OUT OF THE SHIT, MAN. NOW HE’S BLOWING PAUL’S MIND, TALKING ALL KINDS OF TALK ABOUT HOW SAIGON’S A GAS -- YOU CAN GET ANYTHING YOU WANT. PICK YOUR POISON.

MIAMI BEACH SENDS PAUL AND THE KID TO THE COUNTRYSIDE TO RENDEZVOUS WITH THE RICE PADDY CONTINGENT.

ON THE WAY, THEY HAVE TO BRIBE SOME CHECKPOINT GOONS WITH OLD LOTTERY TICKETS TO GET THROUGH.

WHILE TRUNG GOES DOOR TO DOOR, PAUL LAYS BACK IN THE CUT AND REALIZES HE KNOWS THIS VILLAGE INTIMATELY.

ONCE UPON A TIME, HIS PLATOON BURNED IT TO THE GROUND SO THEY COULD BEAT A RIVAL SQUAD ON BODY COUNTS AND WIN A CASE OF BUDWEISER.

MORE OF THE SPECIAL EFFECTS BUDGET IN ACTION.

OBLIGATORY “NOOOOOOO” SHOT.

PAUL’S PRETTY BUMMED OUT WHEN HE RETURNS FROM THE COUNTRYSIDE. MIAMI BEACH DRAGS HIM TO A PARTY AT SOME RICH BROAD’S HOUSE, SELLING IT AS AN IN TO THE EX-PAT BREAD THAT WILL HELP HIM FIND GREEN EYES.

ON THE RIDE OVER, MIAMI’S CHERRY BENZ GETS ATTACKED BY SOME HUNGRY OLVIDADOS.

THE PARTY’S PRETTY HAPPENING. PAUL CAN’T GET OVER THE HORS D’EUVRES SPREAD, ENOUGH FOOD THE TO FEED ALL THE ORPHANS IN SAIGON. OH, THE IRONY! AND... AND LOOK AT THOSE JUGS! JESUS! ILSA, ILSA!

EVEN THE BUDDHISTS ARE SATED.

PAUL ISN’T HAVING ANY OF IT. ACROSS THE LAWN, HE RECOGNIZES MISS RITA FROM THE ADOPTION AGENCY HAVING A SIMILARLY TERRIBLE TIME. THEY CONSPIRE TO STEAL SOME TRAYS OF FINGER FOOD AND FEED THE LITTLE MONKEYS OUTSIDE THE GATE.

THIS PISSES OFF THE PARTY HOST SO MUCH, PAUL AND RITA ARE ASKED TO LEAVE.

THEY WALK THE STREETS UNTIL CURFEW. WHEN THE CLOCK STRIKES TEN, RITA SAYS SHE HAS TO GET BACK TO THE ORPHANAGE AND PUT THE BABIES TO BED. PAUL ASKS IF HE, TOO, CAN HELP PUT RITA’S BABIES TO BED. I HAVE NO IDEA WHAT BABIES PAUL IS REFERRING TO, OR IF, IN FACT, HE MEANS RITA’S PRIVATE PARTS.

PAUL SPENDS SOME QUALITY TIME AT RITA’S ORPHANAGE, WHERE HE TEACHES SOME OF THE KIDS HOW TO PLAY BASEBALL. RITA TELLS PAUL THE SAD NARRATIVE OF A STREET KID’S LIFE IN SAIGON, ESSENTIALLY THAT HE LIVES ON GARBAGE UNTIL HE’S FIFTEEN, WHEN HE JOINS THE ARMY TO ESCAPE THE STREETS. FIFTEEN?! THIS GIVES PAUL A NEW PERSPECTIVE ON TRUNG AND HIS ILK.

LATER THAT NIGHT, AFTER THE CHILDREN HAVE BEEN PUT TO BED, PAUL AND RITA SMOKE SOME OPIUM AND RAP INTO THE WEE HOURS ABOUT GREEN EYES AND ALL THE COLORS IN THE SKY, AND HOW LIFE CAN BE SO FLY WHEN YOU’RE HIGH ON THIS MAGIC CARPET RIDE.

“Do you fancy a shag, Othello?”

THE NEXT DAY, TRUNG COMES OVER FOR LUNCH.

HE STUFFS HIS FACE WITH PAPAYA AND ALMOST FORGETS TO TELL PAUL THAT MIAMI BEACH HAS MANAGED TO LOCATE PAUL’S EX OLD LADY, LEI-CHAN.

“The hell you say?! Put that fruit down and talk to me, boy. That damn papaya can wait, but my son, goddamit, my son can’t...”

TRUNG TAKES PAUL TO A HELLISH MARINA WHERE INSIDE EVERY CARDBOARD SHANTY SOMEONE’S EITHER SHOOTING A SNUFF FILM OR PERFORMING A CAT ABORTION.

YES, FRIENDS, BY DONATING JUST FIVE DOLLARS A MONTH, YOU CAN ENSURE THAT A BEAUTIFUL CHILD LIKE THIS ONE RECEIVES THE BASIC FOOD AND NOURISHMENT IT REQUIRES TO SUBSIST IN THE HARSH CONDITIONS OF LIFE IN THE DEVELOPING WORLD.

THEY FINALLY GET TO THE TENT WHERE LEI-CHAN IS BELIEVED TO BE. PAUL TELLS TRUNG TO WAIT OUTSIDE.

IN THE BOOM-BOOM ROOM, PAUL DISCOVERS HIS EX. SHE LOOKS TIRED AND FUCKED-OUT. A BABY’S CRYING IN THE CLOSET. COULD IT BE?

SWING LOW... SWEET CHARIOT... NOPE, IT’S SOMEBODY ELSE’S BABY. A PILOT FOR AIR PHILIPPINES, LEI-CHAN EXPLAINS. THE DUDE WAS SUPPOSED TO SEND FOR THEM THE PREVIOUS WEEK BUT GOT TIED UP IN A MONSOON.

“Green Eyes is dead. I am sorry. He get fever. That was that. And Paul, if you like to feel better, I give you fucky fuck for ole time sake.

PAUL OPTS OUT OF THE FUCKY FUCK AND LEAVES THAT BOOM-BOOM ROOM A CHANGED MAN. PART OF HIM IS DEAD, A MUCH BIGGER PART THAN WAS ALREADY DEAD, BUT, MORE IMPORTANTLY, PART OF HIM IS NOT DEAD.

HE TAKES THE TOY HE WAS PLANNING TO GIVE GREEN EYES, ONE OF THOSE DISTURBING WIND-UP MONKEYS THAT PLAY THE CYMBALS, AND BURIES IT IN THE GROUND, UPSIDE DOWN. SEMPER FI!

PAUL STOPS BY MISS RITA’S TO SAY GOODBYE. HE ASKS IF SHE’S SEEN TRUNG. SHE HASN’T, BUT WAS UNDER THE IMPRESSION THAT THE BOY BELIEVED PAUL HAD FOUND HIS SON AND NO LONGER HAD ANY USE FOR TRUNG. ALTHOUGH HE’S WORRIED HE’LL MISS HIS FLIGHT BACK HOME, PAUL DECIDES TO LOOK FOR TRUNG AND SAY GOODBYE. HE HAILS A TAXI AND TAKES IT TO THE MOO-GOO-GUY DISTRICT.

TRUNG APPEARS SITTING ON A BRIDGE, WEARING A BALLOON ON HIS HEAD AND EATING WHAT LOOKS LIKE GRILLED PUPPY INTESTINES ON A STICK. HE ASKS ABOUT GREEN EYES. PAUL TELLS HIM THE TRUTH, THE BABY TRUNG HEARD WAS SOMEBODY ELSE’S.

“I think I have the rest of my day to hear this American story, but I only have three more seconds to finish this fried plantain before it congeals and turn to athlete’s foot.”

“Say, Trung, man, I just missed my plane because of you, man. So what’cha doin’ with the rest of your life? How about we catch a ferry out of this here and go exploring, man. I hear that Malay pussy is outta sight. Like, they know how to take care of a brother. And after that, we’ll set sail for Brazil. Man, the bitches down there ain’t even got hair... down there.”

AFTER HEARTBREAKERS, I VOWED TO SEE MORE BY BOBBY ROTH. I FOUND A USED VESTRON TAPE OF AN EARLIER FILM OF HIS, THE BOSS’ SON, ON eBAY. FRANKLY, I DON’T KNOW WHAT HE DID BEFORE, BETWEEN OR AFTER THESE TWO FILMS, BUT I THINK BOTH ARE INCREDIBLE; ROTH SEEMED POISED TO BE A STRONG NEW VOICE IN AMERICAN FILM. THE BOSS’ SON IS A SOCIAL DRAMA THAT DEALS WITH SOME OF THE HARSH REALITIES FACING THE AMERICAN LABOR FORCE IN THE 1970s. IF MEMORY SERVES, THE TAGLINE ON THE ORIGINAL ONE-SHEET READS SOMETHING LIKE: IF BLUE COLLAR KNOCKED YOUR DICK IN THE DIRT, GET DOWN AND BOOGIE WITH THE BOSS’ SON. IT’S THE STORY OF A RICH KID WHO RETURNS HOME AFTER COLLEGE TO WORK FOR HIS FATHER, A SELF-MADE MAN WHO GOT RICH IN THE CARPET BIZ. POPS IS THE AMERICAN DREAM INCARNATE. HE STARTED FROM NOTHING AND NOW HE’S GOT THE ROLLS AND THE BIG HOUSE IN BEVERLY HILLS, AND ALL THE HEALTH PROBLEMS THAT COME WITH THAT. BUT INSTEAD OF JUST SETTING JUNIOR UP WITH A COZY JOB AT THE COMPANY, POPS DECIDES TO MAKE HIM ONE OF THE FACTORY PROLES. THE KID’S BEEN MOLLYCODDLED ALL HIS LIFE, THE PRODUCT OF A POST-WAR, SUBURBAN JEWISH UPBRINGING, AND HE’S GOTTA LEARN SOMETIME WHAT THE WORLD’S ABOUT.

FOLLOWING A TITLE SEQUENCE COMPOSED OF HOME MOVIE FOOTAGE MOST LIKELY GLEANED FROM ROTH’S OWN CHILDHOOD, THE BOSS’ SON OPENS TO A MIDDLE-AGED WOMAN SINGING SHOW TUNES IN THE MIRROR. THIS IS MOM (RITA MORENO, WEST SIDE STORY). SHE’S DRUNK AGAIN.  BETWEEN SIPS OF SHERRY, THE BEVERLY HILLS HOUSEWIFE ENTERTAINS HER MEXICAN HOUSEKEEPER (LUPE ONTIVEROS, REAL WOMEN HAVE CURVES), WHO, OF COURSE, SPEAKS NO INGLES.

AT DINNER, POPS (RUDY SOLARI, “EVERY TV SHOW OF THE 1960s/70s”) TELLS JUNIOR (ASHER BRAUNER, SWITCHBLADE SISTERS) WHAT HE HAS PLANNED FOR HIM. TOUGH LOVE, BABY. THE KID’S A COLLEGE GRADUATE AND HE’S NEVER WORKED A DAY IN HIS LIFE. POPS IS ABOUT TO CHANGE THAT. HE’S GONNA SEND HIM OUT ON THE BIG TRUCK WITH A SCHVARTZE NAMED CHARLES (HENRY G. SANDERS, KILLER OF SHEEP) TO LEARN THE BUSINESS FROM THE GROUND UP. POPS IS A BIG-HEARTED GUY, BUT HE’S LOSING HIS SHIRT. HE DOESN’T NEED THE TSOURIS OF RUNNING A BUSINESS ANYMORE, AND HIS PLAN IS TO LEAVE IT TO JUNIOR. THAT IS, IF JUNIOR CAN PROVE HIMSELF TO BE A LEADER AND ONE WHOM THE WORKERS RESPECT.

JUNIOR AND CHARLES DON’T HIT IT OFF IMMEDIATELY, AS THEY COME FROM TOTALLY DIFFERENT WORLDS. JUNIOR CAN’T SHAKE HIS ENTITLED ATTITUDE AND CHARLES IS JUST A WORKING STIFF, TRYING TO STAY HARD AND KEEP THE CLOTHES ON HIS BACK, JACK.

“I’d never take anything from your father that I didn’t have coming to me.”

THE MEN LOAD AND UNLOAD HUGE ROLLS OF CARPET FROM AN OLD TRUCK. IT’S BACK-BREAKING WORK, SOMETHING JUNIOR’S NOT ACCUSTOMED TO.

THINGS ARE TENSE AT THE FACTORY. CARPETS ARE FALLING OFF THE TRUCKS AND OLD MAN ROSE IS ON THE VERGE OF BANKRUPTCY. POPS’ RIGHT-HAND MAN, BUDDY (JAMES DARREN, GIDGET GOES HAWAIIAN), A SHORT-TEMPERED FUCKHEAD WITH FRANKIE AVALON HAIR AND A DIFFERENT PLAID SPORT COAT FOR EVERY DAY OF THE WEEK, SUGGESTS THEY HIRE AN OUTSIDE GUY TO COME IN AND FIND OUT WHO’S DOING THE DIRT. POPS ASSURES BUDDY IT’S BEING HANDLED.  

WHEN THE OTHER WORKERS TREAT JUNIOR LIKE A NARC, HE ASKS THE OFFICE MANAGER, AL (FOLK MUSIC LEGEND RICHIE HAVENS, WOODSTOCK) TO LET HIM GO ON A RUN BY HIMSELF. 

SOME FUNKY LITTLE INCIDENTAL MUSIC CUES PLAY HERE AND THERE, JERRY GOLDSMITH-ON-A-BUDGET SMOOVE.

JUNIOR DELIVERS SOME SHIT TO A TOUGH OLD BROAD IN THE BACK OF HER STORE. SHE GIVES HIM HER CARD AND TELLS HIM TO CALL IF HE EVER COMES ACROSS ANY SPARE CARPET. ON THE RIDE BACK, THE REAR OF THE TRUCK FLIES OPEN WHILE JUNIOR’S DRIVING AND A BUNCH OF SHIT FALLS OUT INTO THE STREET, NEARLY CAUSING AN ACCIDENT.

WHEN JUNIOR GETS BACK TO HEADQUARTERS, HE’S LIVID. HE YELLS AT AL IN FRONT OF THE OTHER GUYS, INCLUDING A JIVE-ASS WHITE BOY (CHRIS MULKEY, PATTI ROCKS). AL, REALIZING WHAT’S AT STAKE MAKING WAVES WITH THE BOSS’ KID, PLUGS IN HIS DEFERENTIAL SIDE AND KOWTOWS TO THE LITTLE MAN.

LATER, IN THE COFFEE HUTCH, CHARLES TELLS JUNIOR THAT AL’S GOT A LOT ON HIS PLATE AND SIMPLY FORGOT TO HAVE THE TRUCK REPAIRED, WHILE THE TRUTH IS THE WORKERS HAVE BEEN AFRAID TO BRING UP THE TRUCK’S MAINTENANCE ISSUES TO OLD MAN ROSE, WHO’S ALWAYS CRYING ABOUT THE RISING COST OF TEA IN CHINA.

JUNIOR GIVES CHARLES A RIDE HOME, AND CHARLES INVITES HIM TO STAY FOR SUPPER. WE GET TO SEE HOW CHARLES IS LIVING -- NOT VERY LARGE AND, PRESUMABLY, ON A LAYAWAY PLAN. WE’RE INTRODUCED TO CHARLES’ WIFE, AN UNHAPPY MULATTO NURSE NAMED EVIE. THE MARRIAGE APPEARS TO BE ONE OF CONVENIENCE, LIKE THEY’RE PARTNERS IN A CORNER STORE CALLED MAKING DUE. IT’S HERE THE ACCOUTREMENTS OF CHARLES’ WORKING CLASS DOMESTICITY -- FOR INSTANCE,  A PLASTIC CUBE THAT HOUSES FAMILY PHOTOGRAPHS ON EACH OF ITS PANELS -- TAKE ON A GREATER SIGNIFICANCE. THIS IS SOMEONE’S LIFE.

EVIE IS RUDE TO JUNIOR, REFUSING TO COOK SUPPER FOR THE WHITE BOY. ONCE JUNIOR’S OUT OF EARSHOT, CHARLES CONFRONTS HIS WIFE, EXPLAINING TO HER HIS PIPE DREAM OF MOVING ON UP AFTER JUNIOR TAKES OVER HIS FATHER’S COMPANY. SHE CALLS HIM A FOOL. CHARLES PUTS HIS FOOT DOWN: IT’S HIS HOUSE AND JUNIOR STAYS.

EVIE HEATS UP SOME CANNED SPAGHETTI AND WHITE BREAD FOR THE TWO MEN, THEN PREPARES TO LEAVE FOR HER SHIFT AT THE HOSPITAL. JUNIOR THANKS HER FOR THE MEAL AND OFFERS TO CLEAN UP. EVIE JUST SHAKES HER HEAD. 

AFTER SUPPER, CHARLES DEMONSTRATES HIS NIGHTLY RITUAL OF DRIFTING OFF TO SLEEP IN HIS BELOVED LA-Z-BOY CHAIR.

“I puts me on some music, roll me a number, lay back and just drift away, jack.”

I LOVE THIS SCENE.

CHARLES INVITES JUNIOR TO TRY ON THE CHAIR, LIKE THEY DON’T HAVE COMFY FURNITURE WHERE HE COMES FROM. JUNIOR ASKS CHARLES IF EVIE MINDS HIM BEING SO FREE, OUT ALL HOURS AT THE AFTER-HOURS, PLAYING HIS MUSIC FOR THE PEOPLE.

“She’ll never quit me  cos she know I always come through. I say ‘Hey, baby, you know all that runnin’ around don’t mean nothin’, and it don’t... it just be my dick getting hard. Look here, if I see a little girl who’s new in town, don’t know nobody in the city, I says ‘Hey, stick with me, baby, cos I got a line on a good thing goin’, but right now let’s boogie... cos I love me some Pointer Sisters! But if I go to the nickel and dime, don’t ask me for a quarter. Cos how much a dollar cost anyway?”

 RIGHT ON!

THE MEN DELIVER A SHIPMENT TO OLD MAN ROSE’S PAD. CHARLES HAS NEVER BEEN TO THE HOUSE BEFORE. JUNIOR TELLS HIM TO WAIT IN THE FOYER, WHICH, WELL, SAYS A LOT.

CHARLES SAYS SOMETHING STUPID ABOUT THE ART ON THE WALL. THE SPANISH MAID SHUFFLES IN, TALKING THAT PIGEON LANGUAGE OF HERS RAPIDAMENTE. SHE LEADS JUNIOR TO THE GARAGE, WHERE MOM AND HER FRIEND, ACADEMY AWARD-WINNING ACTRESS PIPER LAURIE (THE HUSTLER), ARE WAAAASTED. WHEN MOM SEES CHARLES, SHE HAS THE COMMON MINI-FREAKOUT THAT WHITE PEOPLE HAVE ANY TIME A BIG STRAPPING BLACK MAN ENTERS THEIR CAR AND ATTEMPTS TO REMOVE THEM FROM IT. AGAIN, NICE WRITING BY ROTH! MY MAN! NORMAN JEWISON AIN’T GOT SHIT ON THIS GUY! MARTIN RITT? EAT MY ASS WITH SOME CRACKERS! THE MEN CARRY MOM OUT OF HER BENZ AND INTO THE BEDROOM, WHERE SHE PASSES OUT. PIPER LAURIE FLIRTS WITH CHARLES; HE WOULD TOTALLY HIT THAT IF JUNIOR AND HIS MOM WEREN’T IN THE ROOM.

JUNIOR’S EMBARRASSED BY HIS MOTHER AND THE DEPTHS BY WHICH EVEN BORED BEVERLY HILLS HOUSEWIVES WILL GO JUST TO GET GOOD AND GASSED IN THE AGE OF ELECTRIC CAN-OPENERS.

TO HELP GET HIS MIND OFF THINGS, JUNIOR INVITES CHARLES TO JOIN HIM FOR A NIGHT ON THE TOWN. THEY GO TO SOME SWINGING HOUSE OF SPIRITS, WHERE CANDI STATON’S COVER OF THE BEEGEES SONG “NIGHTS ON BROADWAY” IS PLAYING WHEN THEY MAKE THE SCENE. JUNIOR SEEMS TO KNOW EVERYBODY IN THE JOINT. AT THE BAR, CHARLES ORDERS A COURVOISIER ON THE ROCKS, WHILE JUNIOR, KEEPING IT LOW-KEY, ORDERS A CUERVO GOLD NEAT WITH A LIME. SUDDENLY, THE BOSS’ SON BECOMES A STEELY DAN SONG.

CHARLES GETS JAZZED AND CUTS IN WITH SOME BLONDE SHAKING HER STUFF OUT ON THE FLOOR. BOOGIE FEVER. THIS IS PRESUMABLY THE BEGINNING OF A VERY LONG NIGHT OF DEBAUCHERY. SADLY, WE DON’T GET TO SEE ANY OF IT.

THE NEXT DAY, JUNIOR AND CHARLES ARE VERY LATE TO WORK.  

THEY GET THE STINK-EYE FROM BIG AL, WHO GIVES JUNIOR A PASS AND CHARLES A TALKING-TO, BROTHER TO BROTHER.

JUNIOR JOINS POPS AND BUDDY FOR A DAY AT THE COUNTRY CLUB. AFTER SOME GOLF, THEY DINE AT THE RESTAURANT, WHERE BUDDY AND JUNIOR BUTT HEADS OVER BUDDY’S INSISTENCE THAT THE DRIVERS ARE RESPONSIBLE FOR THE MISSING CARPETS.

BUDDY USES THE WAITER AS AN EXAMPLE WHEN MAKING A LONG-WINDED POINT ABOUT HOW LOW-PAYING JOBS ESSENTIALLY MAKE WORKERS MORE PRONE TO STEAL FROM THEIR EMPLOYERS.

THE FACT THAT BUDDY’S RIGHT DOESN’T CHANGE THAT FACT THAT HE’S A COCKSUCKER WHO USES POPPERS WHEN HE MAKES LOVE TO MEN IN PUBLIC RESTROOMS.

ON THE DAY BEFORE CHRISTMAS. CHARLES GETS SNUBBED BY ONE OF THE REGS ON HIS ROUTE, WHO DOESN’T LEAVE HIM WITH A CUSTOMARY BOTTLE OF BOOZE FOR CHRISTMAS. IT’S TRUE. IF YOU’RE A COURIER OF ANY KIND AND IT’S THE HOLIDAYS, YOUR REGULAR CUSTOMERS ARE SUPPOSED TO LEAVE YOU A LITTLE SOMETHING (OR VICE VERSA). JUNIOR DOESN’T GET WHAT ALL THE FUSS IS ABOUT.

OLD MAN ROSE HAS A MEETING WITH THE FELLAS TO EXPLAIN THAT THERE AREN’T GONNA BE ANY CHRISTMAS BONUSES COMING. TIMES ARE TOUGH, YOU KNOW. I RESPECT EMPLOYERS WHO GIVE THESE KIND OF PEP TALKS, DIFFICULT AS THEY ARE TO STOMACH; LEST WE FORGET THE MORE POPULAR ALTERNATIVE, WHICH MOST OF US UNDERPAID SLOBS HAVE GROWN TO ACCUSTOMED TO IN THE YEARS SINCE THE BOSS’ SON, WHICH IS, OF COURSE, NO EXPLANATION AT ALL... JUST THE OLD SHUT-UP-AND-BE-HAPPY-YOU-STILL-GOT-A-JOB.

NICE SHOT OF JUNIOR WITH HIS YOUNGER SELF.

JUNIOR COMMISERATES WITH KEN, THE SADDEST, GUILTIEST LOOKING GUY IN THE BUNCH, WHO IS TOO BROKEN UP TO ATTEND THE STAFF PARTY. HE HAS TO GO HOME AND FEED HIS EIGHT KIDS. HOW ABOUT THEM APPLES? AND HE AIN’T EVEN MEXICAN!

NOT THAT HE’S MISSING MUCH. EVERYONE’S DEPRESSED. THEY HOLD THEIR TINY PAYCHECKS AND MOPE AROUND. MERRY CHRISTMAS.

CHRIS MULKEY SLIDES IN LIKE A PUNK AND TELLS EVERYONE HE’S JUST BEEN FIRED FOR BEING A WISE-ASS LITTLE PUNK. HEY, THIS AIN’T PATTI ROCKS, PAL. HIT THE BRICKS!

JUNIOR CONFRONTS BUDDY ABOUT FIRING CHRIS MULKEY. BUDDY SAYS HE FIRED CHRIS MULKEY COS CHRIS MULKEY’S A WISE-ASS PUNK, AND ANY PUNK WHO TRIES THE SAME SHIT IS GONNA GET THE SAME TREATMENT. FINALLY, TO ACCENT HIS POINT, BUDDY SPRAYS SOME BINACA IN HIS MOUTH LIKE A TRUE G.

WHILE JUNIOR’S GRILLING BUDDY, CLEO, THE ONLY CHICK WHO WORKS THE FACTORY LINE, STARTS BITCHING OUT THE GUYS IN THE OFFICE FOR NEVER STEPPING UP AND DEMANDING A BETTER WAGE.

JUNIOR CATCHES THE TAIL END OF CLEO’S RAP AND FOLLOWS HER OUT TO HER VW BUG TO AWKWARDLY ASK IF HE CAN BOOGIE WITH HER BODY AND OFFICIALLY SCRATCH BROWN SUGAR OFF HIS BUCKET LIST. I HAVE NO IDEA WHY JUNIOR HAS CHOSEN CLEO, WHO, LET’S FACE IT, LOOKS LIKE A LESBIAN FOLK SINGER. BUT, HEY, THIS IS AMERICA. WE INVENTED DIFFERENT STROKES. ANYWAY, CLEO TURNS HIM DOWN. SHE’S GOTTA GO HOME AND FIX HAMBURGER HELPER FOR HER KIDS.

“Now look’a here, lil whiteboy, I’s seen ‘em comes and I’s seen ‘em disappear, and nobody does it better than a Texas steer.”

ON THE LOADING DOCK, CHARLES ASKS JUNIOR IF HE’LL TALK TO HIS FATHER ABOUT PROMOTING HIM TO A SALES POSITION. JUNIOR TELLS CHARLES THE GODAWFUL TRUTH: HIS FATHER WILL NEVER PROMOTE SOME RAGTIME SOUL BROTHER TO A RESPECTED POSITION AT HIS COMPANY, AND NEITHER WOULD JUNIOR.

OUCH.

OVER TAKEOUT CHINESE, THE ROSE FAMILY PERFORMS ITS VERSION OF CHRISTMAS. 

MOM’S DRUNK ON PLUM WINE. SHE TELLS POPS TO TELL EVERYONE THE LATEST DEPRESSING NEWS.

IT SEEMS OLD MAN ROSE WENT DOWN TO THE BANK TO GET A LOAN, IN HOPES OF FLOATING THE BUSINESS UNTIL THE DOWNTURN ENDS, AND WAS DENIED.

THEN BUDDY REVEALS HE’S PLANNING TO LEAVE THE COMPANY FOR SOMETHING MORE SECURE. AFTER THAT, EVERYONE AT THE TABLE JOINS IN THE CLASSIC JEWISH AMERICAN PASTIME OF YELLING AT EACH OTHER.

JUNIOR STORMS OUT WITH HIS DATE, WHO HE PROMPTLY DUMPS BACK AT HER PARENT’S. THEN HE TAKES TO THE SAVAGE STREETS, TROLLING FOR COOZE. NEXT STOP, DARKTOWN USA.

JUNIOR SHOWS UP AT CLEO’S PAD. SHE TELLS HIM HER FEELINGS HAVEN’T CHANGED IN THE SIX HOURS SINCE SHE SAW HIM LAST, BUT THAT HE CAN SACK OUT ON HER COUCH IF HE SO WISHES.

JUNIOR TAKES CLEO UP ON HER OFFER. BUT HE CAN’T SLEEP BECAUSE THE VINYL COVER ON HER COUCH MAKES TOO MUCH NOISE. HE DECIDES TO GIVE CLEO ONE LAST SHOT AND GOES IN HER BEDROOM TO LEER AT HER BENEATH THE COVERS.

JUNIOR HAS A MOMENT OF CLARITY, WHEN HE DECIDES TO LEAVE THIS POOR WOMAN ALONE. BUT JUST AS HE MAKES TO LEAVE, CLEO TURNS TO HIM AND ASKS WHY HE DIDN’T JUST WHIP IT OUT AND DO IT, BABY. JUNIOR LEANS OVER AND KISSES CLEO ON THE FOREHEAD AND SAYS GOODNIGHT.

ALL THE GUYS FROM THE FACTORY MEET UP IN SOME PARK TO PARTY. CHRIS MULKEY PULLS UP ON HIS KAWASAKI, CHARLES SITTING BITCH.

THIS IS A GAME WE USED TO PLAY CALLED HOOPS FOR HEADS. EVERYBODY MEETS IN THE PARK AFTER SATURDAY MORNING CARTOONS, WITH SOMEBODY BRINGING A CASE OF BEER AND SOMEBODY ELSE BRINGING SOME GRASS. EVERYBODY GETS GOOD AND RIPPED AND READY TO SLAY ON THE COURT. ALSO, EVERYONE SPORTS REALLY BRIGHT ATHLETIC WEAR SO NO ONE GETS LOST TRYING TO FIND THE HEAD.

CHRIS MULKEY DOESN’T LIKE JUNIOR. THIS IS BLATANTLY OBVIOUS WHEN THEY’RE PLAYING BALL BECAUSE HOOPS IS ONE OF THOSE PRIMAL GAMES WHERE YOUR TRUE FEELINGS FOR YOUR OPPONENT WILL COME TO THE FORE, IT SIMPLY CAN’T HIDE; THE OBJECT IS TO USE ONE’S BRAWN TO INTIMIDATE AND CONQUER.

IT ISN’T LONG BEFORE EMOTIONS GET THE BEST OF THESE TWO DUDES AND THEY START FIGHTING. MOST GUYS AREN’T GONNA JUST WAIL ON THE BOSS’ KID, BUT CHRIS MULKEY DOESN’T GIVE A FUCK, HE’S ALREADY FIRED.

LATER, A BRUISED JUNIOR COMES HOME AND CATCHES POPS BURNING THE MIDNIGHT OIL. OBSERVING THE AGONY OF POP’S SITUATION  CAUSES JUNIOR TO FEEL A RARE MOMENT OF LOVE FOR HIS POPS.

THE NEXT MORNING, JUNIOR GOES TO WORK EARLY AND NOSES AROUND THE OFFICE, WHERE HE FIND A PICTORIAL TIMELINE OF THE ROSE COMPANY.

THEN JUNIOR BUMPS INTO THE NERVOUS GUY, KEN, WHO’S MAINLINING FOLGERS LIKE IT’S GOING OUT OF STYLE.

CHARLES ASKS HOW JUNIOR’S CHRISTMAS WAS.

“[Santa Claus] skips the Jews.”

“Well, I guess he figures every day is Christmas for you folks.”

L.A. STILL LOOKS LIKE THIS. ONLY THE CARS AND THE PEOPLE HAVE CHANGED.

AT ONE STOP, JUNIOR AND CHARLES GET WORD THAT THEY NEED TO PHONE THE OFFICE, SOMETHING’S UP.

CHARLES GETS ON THE HORN. HE GETS THE DEETS ON A RUN TO RECOVER AN AWOL TRUCK.

THE BOSS’ SON REALLY NAILS THE PROSAIC GRIME OF L.A. LIKE FEW FILMS DO.

JUNIOR AND CHARLES HAPPEN ON KEN’S TRUCK. THERE’S COPS ON THE SCENE, WHICH IS NEVER GOOD. SOME CHICK’S TAKING PICTURES FOR HER CAMPUS PAPER.

WHEN CHARLES ASKS ONE OF THE COPS WHERE THE DRIVER (KEN) IS AT, THE COP NONCHALANTLY SAYS KEN BLEW HIS HEAD OFF.

THE COPS WANT JUNIOR TO INSPECT THE PAPERWORK IN KEN’S TRUCK AND ENSURE EVERYTHING’S KOSHER.

JUNIOR TELLS CHARLES HE’LL DRIVE KEN’S TRUCK BACK TO THE FACTORY.

WHEN CHARLES AND JUNIOR RETURN, ALL THE WORKERS ARE SITTING AROUND THE OFFICE. THE FIRST THING ANYBODY ASKS ABOUT IS THE CLIPBOARD WITH ALL OF KEN’S ORDERS AND INVOICES. SOMETHING AIN’T RIGHT.

CHARLES VOLUNTEERS TO UNLOAD THE REST OF THE CARPET THAT KEN DIDN’T GET TO.

IT’S THEN JUNIOR REALIZES ALL THE DRIVERS ARE IN ON THE ACTION, THEIR COVER BLOWN BY KEN’S SUICIDE.

JUNIOR STORMS OUT OF THE OFFICE. CHARLES FOLLOWS HIM AND THEY HAVE A VERY OVERWROUGHT EXCHANGE ON THE LOADING DOCK. THE RAIN HAS STARTED AND THIS MIGHT AS WELL BE AN ELIA KAZAN MOVIE FROM THE FIFTIES. GOD, I HATE SCENES LIKE THIS.

JUNIOR WALKS AWAY FROM CHARLES, WHO YELLS SOME WEAK-ASS SHIT GUYS LIKE TO SAY TO OTHER GUYS WHEN THEY WANT TO MAKE THEM FEEL LIKE ASSHOLES FOR WALKING AWAY. 

CHARLES KNOWS HE’S FUCKED.

JUNIOR GETS IN HIS BMW AND GOES ON A SPIRITUAL QUEST INTO THE HEART OF L.A.’S DARKNESS WHILE A RICHIE HAVENS SONG CALLED “WHY DON’T YOU WALK AWAY” PLAYS.

... CHICKS WITH DICKS WORK THE LONELY STREETS...

...AND THE 3rd STREET TUNNEL (BLADE RUNNER, LESS THAN ZERO, ET AL) PROVIDES ITS USUAL HALLUCINATORY OPTICS.

JUNIOR ENDS UP AT ANOTHER QUINTESSENTIALLY L.A. VENUE FOR EXISTENTIAL ANGST, THE ALL-NIGHT BURGER STAND, WHERE WEEK-OLD SLABS OF PASTRAMI ARE OVER-SALTED AND SOLD AS-IS TO SAD SLOBS ON THEIR WAY HOME FROM THE BAR.

WHEN JUNIOR GETS HOME, HE FINDS HIS MOTHER UP MAKING COFFEE. A LOT OF OLD PEOPLE LIKE TO DRINK COFFEE IN THE MIDDLE OF THE NIGHT BECAUSE, HEY, THE CLOCK IS TICKING AND THEY’D RATHER STAY UP.

JUNIOR TELLS HIS MOM THE DRIVERS HAVE BEEN STEALING FROM THE COMPANY.

MOM TELLS JUNIOR HE’LL HAVE TO TELL HIS FATHER, EVEN THOUGH IT’S GOING TO KILL HIM.

SO HE DOES.

OLD MAN ROSE MAKES THE DRIVERS SIGN SOME SORT OF LETTER OF RESIGNATION AND/OR ACKNOWLEDGEMENT OF THEIR WRONGDOING.

ONLY BIG AL IS SPARED, MOSTLY BECAUSE THE BALLJAZZ IN HIS GOLF PANTS IS KINDA UPLIFTING IN SUCH A GRAVE MOMENT OF SADNESS AND REGRET.

RUDY SOLARI KILLS IT AS OLD MAN ROSE. I BUY EVERY WORD HE SAYS. JUST A MENSCH, THROUGH AND THROUGH. I HOPE BOBBY ROTH WAS SATISFIED WITH SOLARI’S PERFORMANCE, AS THE CHARACTER, I’M ASSUMING, IS WRITTEN VERY CLOSE TO HIS OWN POPS.

POPS TELLS JUNIOR IT’S TIME TO GO HOME.

OUTSIDE, THEY’RE ACCOSTED BY CHARLES, WHO BEGS OLD MAN ROSE FOR HIS JOB BACK. POPS TELLS HIM HE CAN’T HELP HIM. IF I WASN’T SO ANXIOUS TO FINISH THIS MOVIE, I’D WRITE SOME KIND OF EPITAPH FOR CHARLES. (OK: STOP SPLOOGING ALL OVER THAT PRECIOUS TONE POEM KILLER OF SHEEP, YOU CINEMA FAGS, AND DIG HENRY SANDERS’ ROLE IN THE BOSS’ SON.)

AFTER CHARLES GOES AWAY, JUNIOR TELLS HIS FATHER HE DOESN’T WANT ANY PART OF THE BUSINESS, HE’S OUT. POPS IS TAKEN ABACK, THE SHOCK QUICKLY TURNING TO ANGER. THE FLICK ENDS ON ANOTHER KAZAN-LIKE NOTE, WITH JUNIOR WALKING AWAY FROM HIS POPS, ENTERING THE DARK PARKING LOT OF LIFE AS OLD MAN ROSE’S VOICE RINGS OUT:

“Somebody’s got to be the boss!”

RUSH IT IS ABOUT A CAREFREE FEMALE BIKE MESSENGER (JUDY KAHAN) MAKING HER WAY IN THE CITY. SHE’S GOT THAT QUASI-ANNOYING ANNIE HALL THING GOING ON, IF A LITTLE MORE JEWISH AND, WELL, BASICALLY HARMLESS BECAUSE SHE’S IN HER TWENTIES AND ISN’T ANYONE’S MOTHER YET. SHE RIDES AROUND MANHATTAN IN A DUMB HAT, SMILING AT EVERYTHING WHILE BUZZY LINHART’S EBULLIENT SONGS BLAST OVER THE SOUNDTRACK. COULD BE WORSE. I MEAN, THE WORLD DIDN’T COMPLETELY SUCK BACK THEN. SURE, WE THOUGHT IT DID. OH, DID WE EVER! WE THOUGHT IT WAS OVER, MAN. THE SIXTIES WERE OVER. THE SIXTIES WERE GREAT! THE SEVENTIES WERE FAR WORSE. THESE WERE THE POST-WATERGATE YEARS. NEW YORK WAS ONE BROKE-ASS TOILET, AND YET IT WAS KIND OF MAGICAL, TOO.

DISCLAIMER: NO ONE WHO APPEARS IN RUSH IT WAS EVER A BIKE MESSENGER. REAL BIKE MESSENGERS DON’T KICK THEIR FEET UP WHILE TRAVERSING DANGEROUS METROPOLITAN TERRAIN, THEY RUN RED LIGHTS, FLIP STRANGERS THE BIRD AND DRINK FORTIES IN THE PARK. IF ANYONE HAS ANYTHING TO SAY ABOUT THAT, A GANG OF THESE CATS WILL APPEAR OUT OF NOWHERE, UNBUCKLE THE SEATBELT STRAPS ON THEIR MESSENGER BAGS, MOVE FOR THEIR CHAIN WALLETS AND REENACT A SCENE FROM THE ‘96 X-GAMES. REMEMBER PUCK FROM MTV’s “THE REAL WORLD”? THAT’S A FUCKING BIKE MESSENGER! INCORRIGIBLE, UNREPENTANT B.Y.O.B. PUNKHOUSE SNOTROCKET RASCALS.  

“How ‘bout a date tonight, bimbo?”

THIS LUNATIC PLAYS THE PERVED-OUT DISPATCHER AT THE MESSENGER SERVICE. APPARENTLY JOE SPINELL WAS NOT AVAILABLE FOR THE ROLE, SO GARY CAST SOME ELEVATOR MAN WITH A CHECKERED PAST INVOLVING MANY INCIDENTS OF PUBLIC MASTURBATION. HE’S THE MOST AUTHENTIC SLICE OF THE APPLE IN THIS TURKEY. WHY CAN’T THE MOVIE BE ABOUT HIS TRIALS AND TRIBULATIONS? LET’S FOLLOW HIM AROUND WHILE HE’S HAGGLING OVER THE PRICE OF A PAPAYA AT HIS LOCAL BODEGA OR CHECKING OUT THE SNATCH ON 42nd STREET.

HERE’S TOM BERENGER DOING HIS BEST BOTICELLI POSE FOR SOME LITTLE CHINA GIRL. BERENGER’S CHARACTER IS A STALLION WHO PREYS ON CITY CHICKS WITH HIS LOOKS, ESCHEWING ALL STRINGS IN THE CLASSIC LOVE ‘EM AND LEAVE ‘EM STYLE. HIS PREFERENCE, ADMITTEDLY, IS FOR “MORE MATURE WOMEN... ESPECIALLY MARRIED ONES.” YEP, IN THE END, HE’S JUST A GIGOLO. OH, BUT WHAT HE REALLY WANTS TO BE IS A FAMOUS PAINTER!

BERENGER TRIES TO PICK UP JUDY, BUT SHE’S HIP TO HIS ACT AND SPEEDS OFF ON HER BIANCHI. THEN SHE BUMPS INTO AN OLD BOYFRIEND, SOME SUIT WITH A FOXY ITALIAN BROAD ON HIS ARM. JUDY CALLS HIM A HEEL AND KEEPS ON PUSHING. SHE DELIVERS SOME SHIT TO SOME ECCENTRIC IDIOTS, INCLUDING A DRUGGED-OUT TALENT AGENT (ANTHONY HOLLAND, ALL THAT JAZZ) AND GAGGLE OF SUFFRAGETTES WHO’VE BEEN CRYOGENICALLY FROZEN IN A GREENWICH VILLAGE APARTMENT SINCE 1917. JUDY TAKES A BREAK AND GOES HOME. HER PAD HAS SOME FABULOUS TOKENS OF SEVENTIES SINGLE GIRL CHIC, INCLUDING HANGING HOUSE PLANTS, CINDER BLOCK BOOK SHELVES AND FRAMED PICTURES OF JANE AUSTIN. SHE RECEIVES A VISIT FROM HER NEIGHBOR, BYRON (JOHN HEARD), WHO’S JAZZED ON SOME GIRL HE JUST MET. JUDY AND BYRON ARE PLATONIC FRIENDS BECAUSE JUDY, WE’RE LEARNING, IS KIND OF A DYKE; NOT SO MUCH IN THE SEXUAL SENSE, BUT IN THE CULTURAL ONE. SHE’S TOTALLY FINE BEING ONE OF THE GUYS UNTIL THE RIGHT ONE COMES ALONG.

THE SUMMER I EXCAVATED RUSH IT FROM THE TOMB-LIKE STACKS AT EDDIE BRANDT’S, I WAS OBSESSED WITH THE ACTOR JOHN HEARD’S EARLY CAREER. IT STARTED WHEN I SAW HIM IN CHILLY SCENES OF WINTER, THEN GREW WITH BETWEEN THE LINES AND CUTTER’S WAY, THEN CONTINUED ON THROUGH A SLEW OF EXEMPLARY ROLES IN NOT-SO-GREAT FLICKS LIKE FIRST LOVE, ON THE YARD, BEST REVENGE, HEART BEAT, AND CAT PEOPLE. DUDE HAD CHOPS, CHARM AND AN IRRESISTIBLY SELF-EFFACING WIT. BY THE TIME HE WAS CAST AS JACK KEROUAC IN HEART BEAT, STARRING OPPOSITE NICK NOLTE AND SISSY SPACEK, HEARD WAS WELL ON HIS WAY TO BECOMING A LEADING MAN. BUT I SUSPECT HE NEVER FELT COMFORTABLE WITH THE  HOLLYWOOD MACHINE, HAVING COME OUT OF THE LESS BULLSHIT-Y WORLD OF NEW YORK THEATER. IN THE EARLY EIGHTIES, HEARD ATE AND DRANK HIMSELF OUT OF THE RUNNING. THANKS TO THIS SELF-SABOTAGE, TODAY HEARD IS BEST KNOWN TO THE IDIOTS WHO COMPRISE 99% OF THE MOVIE-GOING PUBLIC FOR PLAYING MACAULEY CULKIN’S DAD IN THE HOME ALONE FLICKS.

BYRON INVITES JUDY TO SOME GET-TOGETHER AT HIS GIRLFRIEND’S PAD. MERRILL (JILL EIKENBERRY) IS A SECRETARY, ER, ADMINISTRATIVE ASSISTANT WHO’S REAL HUNG UP ON THAT POST-ROTHKO ABSTRACT SHIT AND ITS MARK ON THE THEN-EMERGING BOURGEOIS HOBBY KNOWN AS DECORATING. FROM THIS INTRODUCTION ONWARD, WE HAVE NO IDEA WHAT BYRON SEES IN MERRILL. HE SHOULD REALLY JUST GO FOR JUDY, WHO WEARS OVERALLS TO PARTIES AND IS CLEARLY A GAS. 

JUDY MEETS A CHARMING 28-YEAR-OLD JEW NAMED MARK, WHO’S, OF ALL THINGS, A DENTIST. WOW! EDGY! SO THIS GUY STARTS PULLING A LOT OF NUMBERS WITH JUDY, AND SHE’S KINDA DIGGIN’ IT. THEY MINGLE AND GET COZY. THE COMBINATION OF GOD’S EYE AND CARLO ROSSI IN THE ABOVE FRAME IS FABULOUS. 

MARK’S “BLEEPER” GOES OFF, AN EMERGENCY BACK AT THE OFFICE, AND HE LEAVES JUDY WITH A SEMI.

THEN MERRILL MENTIONS TO JUDY THAT MARK IS MARRIED. JUDY’S LOOKING GOOOOOOD IN THOSE OVERALLS, AIN’T SEE? I WONDER IF LENA DUNHAM EVER SAW THIS MOVIE.

THE NEXT MORNING, BYRON COMES OVER TO GET A RECAP OF JUDY’S EVENING. THE USZH, SHE’S STILL 25 AND SINGLE.

THIS IS WHAT A DOOR IS SUPPOSED TO LOOK LIKE. IF YOU’RE UNDER 30 AND THE DOORWAY OF YOUR BIG CITY APARTMENT DOESN’T LOOK LIKE THIS, YOU’RE WASTING YOUR PARENT’S MONEY. THIS BARE BONES ASSEMBLAGE IS ALL YOU NEED TO PARTY LIKE A TRUE BELIEVER: OLD TERMITE-INFESTED WOOD PAINTED A MILLION TIMES OVER, QUESTIONABLY SECURE, DIRTY AND DELIGHTFUL. MY OLD SPOT LOOKED LIKE THIS. THEN I MOVED. NOW, FOR A MERE $1,000 MORE A MONTH,  I GOT ONE OF THEM NEW CHINESE JOBS MADE OUT OF RECYCLED AMERICAN REFUSE AND PARTICLE BOARD, PLASTIC WINDOW SLATS FROM HOME DEPOT (ALSO MADE IN CHINA!), THE WHOLE PATHETIC PACKAGE.

BYRON’S NEW GIRL STARTS GETTING UPPITY ABOUT BYRON’S ASSOCIATION WITH JUDY. JUST WHAT TYPE OF PERSON CHOOSES TO BECOME A BIKE MESSENGER, PRAY TELL? BYRON REVEALS JUDY HAS HER MASTER’S DEGREE, SHE’S JUST DOING THE BIKE GIG COS HER DEGREE IS TOTALLY WORTHLESS AND IT’S FUN RIDING A BIKE IN A CITY YOU CAN SMILE AT COS YOU REFUSE TO BELIEVE THAT ALL MEN ARE RAPISTS, DESPITE CONVENTIONAL WISDOM AND SECOND WAVE FEMINISM STATING OTHERWISE. 

BACK AT THE BIKE SHOP, THESE TWO JOES PRACTICE THEIR HIGH NOTES FOR SOME FUTURE “CATS” AUDITION.

JUDY SPOTS BUZZY LINHART BUSKING. ALRIGHT! BUZZY KNOWS WHERE IT’S AT.

BERENGER FINALLY GETS THE BEST OF JUDY. HE WRITES HIS NUMBER ON HER BACK AND TELLS HER TO CALL HIM. THAT NIGHT, SHE HAS TO READ IT IN A MIRROR AND INVERT THE DIGITS. TWICE SHE CALLS THE WRONG NUMBER, FIRST IT’S SOME PEPE PERSON AND THEN A PHILIPINO WITH CATFISH WHISKERS. SO JUDY AND BERENGER GO OUT AND BALL. PRETTY SOON, THEY’RE AN ITEM.

BERENGER SHOWS JUDY HIS WORK. HE’S INTERRUPTED BY THE TELEPHONE. IT’S TOM’S OF FINLAND CALLING, ASKING WHERE THE SAILOR’S CAP WENT.

BERENGER TELLS JUDY A BUNCH OF SHIT ABOUT WHAT A SHITTY, SELF-ABSORBED PERSON HE IS -- JUST A SLAVE TO THE MUSE, MAN. BUT HE’S A STALLION, SO JUDY DIGS HIS FEARLESS HONESTY AND ACCEPTS BERENGER IN SPITE OF HIS MANY SHORTCOMINGS.

BERENGER ALSO TELLS JUDY HE’S BROKE AND MIGHT BE MOVING TO PENNSYLVANIA TO LIVE ON A FARM WITH AN AMISH COUPLE HE MET AT NIAGARA FALLS. THAT IS, UNLESS JUDY WILL LET HIM MOVE HIS ART STUDIO INTO HER APARTMENT.

MORE SUPERFLUOUS BERENGER PORN.

JUDY BUMPS INTO BYRON OUTSIDE THEIR BUILDING. HE’S WEARING A SUIT, WHICH INDICATES HE HAS A REAL JOB, PROBABLY IN AN OFFICE WHERE THE EXECS WITH THE GRAYING SIDEBURNS DRINK ALL DAY AND GRAB-ASS WITH THE LITTLE CHIQUITAS IN THE TYPING POOL.

BACK AT HER PLACE, JUDY RAPS TO BYRON ABOUT HER NEW STUD AND HOW TO KEEP HIM. BYRON SUGGESTS A FAKE PREGNANCY.

THEN, APROPOS OF NOTHING,  BYRON DOES A REALLY BAD BRANDO IMPRESSION. THIS IS IN NO WAY INDICATIVE OF JOHN HEARD’S TALENT AS AN ACTOR.

BERENGER COMES OVER AND STARTS MOVING JUDY’S STUFF AROUND.  JUDY DIGS BERENGER’S TAKE-CHARGE ATTITUDE. 

BYRON AND MERRILL HELP MOVE THE REST OF BERENGER’S SHIT OVER. JUDY, MEANWHILE, IS GROWING WARY OF BERENGER’S OPPORTUNISM.

THE NEXT EVENING, BYRON AND MERRILL INVITE JUDY AND BERENGER OVER FOR SUPPER. BERENGER WEARS SOME GONDOLIER’S SHIRT WITH A FUCKING POCKET ON THE ARM FOR HIS SMOKES. AFTER SOME WINE, MERRILL STARTS HITTING ON BERENGER. SHE ASKS HIM IF HE’LL DIG HER PAINTINGS AND LET HER KNOW WHAT HE THINKS. THEY REALLY SUCK. NO ONE SAYS THAT, BUT OF COURSE THEY DO. THEN MERRILL ASKS BERENGER IF HE GIVES PRIVATE LESSONS.

BACK AT WORK, JUDY DELIVERS SOME FILM TO A CASTING AGENCY. THE MANIAC WHO RUNS THE PLACE FLIRTS WITH JUDY. I DON’T KNOW WHY THIS SCENE IS IN THE MOVIE, EXCEPT TO FLESH OUT ITS ALREADY TOO-SHORT RUNNING TIME.

AT HEADQUARTERS, JUDY JOKES AROUND WITH THE HORNY DISPATCHER, WHO SAYS HE WON’T ASK HER OUT ANYMORE SINCE HE KNOWS JUDY’S BERENGER’S OLD LADY. 

WE GET TO SEE BERENGER RUSH IT A BIT, TOO. HE DELIVERS A PACKAGE TO SOME OFFICE, WHERE AN OLDER, STILL-FOXY SECRETARY REPEATEDLY ASKS HIM WHAT SHE CAN DO FOR HIM. ALL HE NEEDS IS HER SIGNATURE, BUT HE ASKS HER OUT FOR AN EGG McMUFFIN. GUESS WHO’S BUYING?

THEN BERENGER CRASHES SOME ART OPENING, APPROACHING THE OWNER OF THE GALLERY WITH HIS SLIDES IN TOW LIKE A TOTAL ASSHOLE. THE OWNER TELLS BERENGER HE’LL HAVE TO SPEAK TO HIS WIFE (CHRISTINA PICKLES, THE WEDDING SINGER), WHO, IN FACT, RUNS THE GALLERY.

WHEN THE GALLERY GASH FEASTS HER EYES ON BERENGER, SHE QUICKLY STARTS ASKING ABOUT HIS WORK AND ITS DIMENSIONS.

WHEN SHE’S SATISFIED, THEY MAKE A DATE FOR A STUDIO VISIT.

BERENGER RETURNS TO JUDY’S PAD ELATED WITH THE GOOD NEWS. JUDY’S HAPPY FOR HIM, BUT ALSO KIND OF BUMMED THAT HE DIDN’T TAKE HER TO THE OPENING.

JUDY AND BYRON HAVE A CHAT ON THE WAY TO THE LAUNDROMAT. BYRON REVEALS THAT HE’S PLANNING TO BREAK UP WITH MERRILL.

WHILE JUDY’S OUT DOING HER OLD MAN’S WHITES, SAID OLD MAN SLAVES AWAY IN THE STUDIO THAT USED TO BE JUDY’S APARTMENT. DIG BOWIE’S PINUPS IN THE THE BACKGROUND!

BERENGER RECEIVES AN UNEXPECTED VISIT FROM MERRILL, WHO’S BEEN SUNBATHING ON THE ROOF. SHE ASKS BERENGER IF SHE CAN WATCH HIM PAINT. HE TELLS HER TO COME BACK WHEN IT’S A BETTER TIME TO PARTY, HE’S ON A DEADLINE. 

JUDY AND BERENGER GRAB SOME MALTS AND PARK IT ON THE CURB. THE LIGHT’S REAL NICE AND THE WIND’S BLOWING SOFTLY, MAKING THE SCENE PLAY MORE NATURAL THAN THE OTHERS. IF I WAS ONE OF THESE TWO PEOPLE, I’D CHOOSE THIS SCENE FOR MY ACTING REEL.

WHEN JUDY TELLS BERENGER THAT BYRON’S CUTTING MERRILL LOOSE, HE ISN’T SUPRISED. HE TELLS JUDY HE’LL NEVER LET SOME CHICK COME BETWEEN HIM AND HIS PAINTING.

“Don’t EVER buy me a strawberry shake again. I said VANILLA.”

BERENGER PICKS A CONVENIENT TIME FOR THE GALLERY GASH TO STOP BY -- i.e. WHEN JUDY AIN’T AROUND. SHE DIGS BERENGER’S WORK AND BEGS FOR A CLOSER LOOK.

JUDY AND HER GIRLFRIEND FROM THE MESSENGER OFFICE (HARRIETT HALL) GET TOGETHER IN THE PARK TO RAP ABOUT BOYS AND WHAT HEELS THEY ARE.

WHEN JUDY GETS HOME, SHE FINDS BYRON MOROSE AND CARRYING A BOX OF MERRILL’S SHIT TO DELIVER BACK TO HER. BYRON ASKS JUDY IF SHE’LL COME WITH HIM.

WHEN THEY GET TO MERRILL’S, BYRON TELLS JUDY HER COMING WITH HIM WAS JUST A PLOY TO GET HER TO ACTUALLY DELIVER THE SHIT HERSELF SO BYRON WON’T HAVE TO SUFFER THE AGONY OF SEEING MERRILL’S STUPID FACE ONE MORE TIME. JUDY, EVER THE GOOD SPORT, OBLIGES HIM.

“Oh... it’s you. Where’s Byron? OH. Okay. Well, can you tell him he still owes me $4.37 for his portion of the Con Ed bill from July? Thanks!”

AS JUDY AND BYRON RETURN TO THEIR BUILDING, THE GALLERY GASH IS JUST LEAVING.

B-B-BUSTED! WHEN JUDY ENTERS THE PAD, BERENGER’S IN THE PROCESS OF CHANGING HIS SHIRT TO ONE NOT SOAKED IN SWEAT AND SCENTED VAGINAL OILS. HE TELLS JUDY HE GOT THE SHOW. SUDDENLY, WITH THE HELP OF A SHORT FLASHBACK, JUDY KNOWS THE SCORE.

AFTER A LONG, CATHARTIC RIDE AROUND THE CITY, JUDY VISITS THE GALLERY WHERE BERENGER’S GONNA HAVE HIS SHOW. THE PAINTINGS IN THE BACKGROUND REMINDS ME A LOT OF THE KIND OF WORK ALAN BATES’ CHARACTER MADE IN AN UNMARRIED WOMAN, OR THAT ARTIST JEREMY BLAKE WHO ESSENTIALLY MADE THE SAME KIND OF SHIT IN THE EARLY 2000s, ALBEIT DIGITALLY, BEFORE HIS TRAGIC DOUBLE-SUICIDE WITH HIS CRAZY WIFE AFTER THEY DID TOO MUCH COCAINE AND CONVINCED THEMSELVES THEY WERE BEING HUNTED BY THE CHURCH OF SCIENTOLOGY. IF THIS REVIEW HAS TAUGHT YOU ANYTHING, IT’S THAT I KNOW FAR TOO MUCH BULLSHIT ABOUT CONTEMPORARY ART AND NOT ENOUGH ABOUT MAKING LOVE. ANYWAY, JUDY WINS.

SHE GOES FOR ONE LAST DELIVERY. ONCE AGAIN, BUZZY LINHART’S MUSIC COMES ALONG FOR THE RIDE.

DREYFUS STARS AS JOE, A NICE GUY WHO’S REAL SMART. HE INVENTS STUFF – LIKE A SCALE THAT SHELLS INSULTS AT YOU REGARDING YOUR WEIGHT UNTIL YOU LOSE SOME. HE ALSO WRITES NOVELS ABOUT DISENCHANTED BABY BOOMERS, A THEME VERY IN VOGUE AT THE TIME. JOE APPEARS TO HAVE IT ALL. YET, ODDLY, HE DOESN’T. JOE, LIKE MANY STRUGGLING ARTISTS, CAN ONLY PAY HIS BILLS THROUGH MENIAL GIGS, LIKE BEING A SECURITY GUARD AT A LOS ANGELES CHARTER SCHOOL.

ON THE UPSIDE, JOE LIVES IN A RAD BUNGALOW ON THE VENICE CANALS, WHERE HIS RENT IS ONLY $317 A MONTH, SO WHO CARES IF HE CAN’T HONESTLY TELL THE ASSHOLES HE MEETS AT PARTIES WHAT HE DOES FOR A LIVING. 

SUSAN SARANDON IS EMILY, THE SINGLE MOTHER OF A 10-YEAR-OLD BOY (WIL WHEATON, STAND BY ME) WHO ATTENDS THE SCHOOL JOE WORKS AT. THE KID DOESN’T HAVE ANY FRIENDS BECAUSE HE’S NOT ALLOWED TO BRING ANYONE HOME, BECAUSE HE LIVES OUTSIDE OF THE DISTRICT-REQUIRED ZIP CODE HOO-HA. SARANDON AND THE KID HAVE SOME CUTE REPARTEE:

“Why aren’t you dressed?”

“Cos I couldn’t find my blue t-shirt.”

“Then wear your green one.”

“If you wear green on Thursdays, it means you’re a fag.”

WHEN THE KID IN GREEN’S PHONY ADDRESS IS FOUND OUT BY JOE, THE KID HUSTLES THE “NOON GOON” INTO COMING HOME WITH HIM, HOPING JOE WILL DEVELOP A THING FOR EMILY AND NOT REPORT HIM TO THE SCHOOL SUPERINTENDENT. HA. KIDS.

EMILY COMES HOME AND DOES A DOUBLE TAKE. IS THAT HER SON SWORD-FIGHTING WITH RICHARD DREYFUS? NAH, THEY’RE JUST PLAYING SOME PRIMITIVE VIDEO GAME ABOUT VIKINGS. JOE EXPLAINS THAT HE FOUND THE KID AT HIS FAKE ADDRESS BUT ASSURES EMILY HE WON’T REPORT IT TO THE SCHOOL. WHEN JOE GINGERLY NOTES THAT THE KID HAD IT IN MIND JOE AND EMILY GET ACQUAINTED, EMILY KICKS JOE OUT. THE KID TRIES TO GET JOE TO STAY. JOE TELLS THE KID HE CAN’T BE FRIENDS WITH LITTLE BOYS. THE KID INVITES HIM TO THE SCHOOL’S THANKSGIVING PLAY, IN WHICH HE’S PLAYING A PUMPKIN. JOE SAYS HE CAN’T MAKE IT, HE HAS A DATE.

EMILY'S STUDYING TO BE A STENOGRAPHER, BUT SHE KEEPS CHOKING ON THE STATE EXAM COS THE TIME-KEEPER’S SOME OLD LECH IN A BOW-TIE MAKING EYES AT HER. WITHOUT A PASSING GRADE, SHE’S STUCK WORKING FOR SOME CENTURY CITY SLEAZEBAG LAWYER.

DREYFUSS WASN’T LYING. HE’S GOT A DATE TO BED NANCY ALLEN (BLOW OUT), WHO HE’S HEAD OVER HEELS IN LOVE WITH, EVEN THOUGH SHE’S OPEN ABOUT SEEING BRIAN DE PALMA AND ALL THE OTHER CINEMA CLOWNS WHO FREQUENT HER VENICE BOUTIQUE.

THIS SWEATER’S DOPE. SOMETIMES TRULY HORRIBLE PEOPLE HAVE EXCELLENT STYLE.

JOE AND NANCY ALLEN HAVE A BLOW-OUT. WHEN NANCY ALLEN STALKS OUT OF THE HOUSE, JOE’S LEFT STARING AT THIS SHITTY CALENDAR. 

JOE SHOWS UP AT THE KID’S PLAY COS THAT’S WHAT YOU DID IN THE EIGHTIES WHEN YOUR GIRL BAILED AND YOU HAD NO FRIENDS COS YOU LOST ‘EM ALL WHEN YOU GOT THAT GIRL. EMILY’S STILL WARY OF JOE, BUT HIS BEING THERE MAKES THE KID HAPPY. LOOK AT THAT SMILE!

LATER THAT NIGHT, EMILY’S REAL SORE BECAUSE HER BOSS DIDN’T SHOW UP FOR THE KID’S PLAY. SHE SMOKES CIGARETTES IN HER BED, SOMETHING NICE MOTHERS STILL DID IN THE EIGHTIES WHEN THEY WERE DEPRESSED. 

AFTER JOE COMES TO HIS PLAY, THE KID’S REALLY JAZZED ON HIM. HE STALKS JOE AFTER SCHOOL UNTIL JOE AGREES TO LET HIM COME OVER AND DIG HIS SCENE. THE KID MEETS BALZAC, JOE’S DOG, AND CHECKS OUT SOME OF JOE’S INVENTIONS. JOE LEAVES THE KID WITH A GLASS OF MILK AND RETREATS TO HIS WRITING ROOM. 

EMILY HAS A NOONER WITH THE BOSS AT HIS DIVORCE PAD. I GUESS WE’RE SUPPOSED TO GAUGE FROM ALL THE GYM EQUIPMENT THAT DICK’S A LIFESTYLE ENTHUSIAST AND ONE HELLUVA LOVER. EMILY ASKS HIM IF HE LOVES HER. HE SAYS SOMETHING EVASIVE AND LAWYER-LY LIKE “I DON’T EVEN KNOW WHAT THAT WORD MEANS ANYMORE.” THIS MOVIE IS ABOUT CODEPENDENCY BEFORE IT WAS A HOUSEHOLD TERM.

JOE STRUGGLES TO WRITE THE GREAT AMERICAN NOVEL WITH THE KID IN THE NEXT ROOM. DIG HIS POSTER SIZE PORTRAIT OF NANCY ALLEN! THIS IS A MAN WHO SO DIGS THE IDEA OF HAVING A BEAUTIFUL GIRLFRIEND THAT HE FAILS TO REALIZE SHE’S TOTALLY NOT RIGHT FOR HIM.

WHEN JOE’S DRIVING THE KID HOME, THEY TAKE A DETOUR DOWN THE LATE WEST WASHINGTON BOULEVARD, BEFORE IT WAS RENAMED ABBOT KINNEY AND BECAME VENICE’S NOUVEAU SHOPPING DISTRICT. THEY STALK NANCY ALLEN OUTSIDE HER BOUTIQUE AND CATCH HER FLIRTING WITH SOME DUDE IN MONEY SHADES. JOE CONFRONTS NANCY ALLEN. SHE TELLS HIM TO TAKE A CHILL PILL; HE DOESN’T, SO SHE BREAKS UP WITH HIM FOR ANOTHER 48 HOURS.

CHRISTMAS ROLLS AROUND AND THE KID’S CAST IN ANOTHER STUPID PLAY. BEFORE REHEARSAL, HE GIVES JOE TWO PRESENTS – ONE FOR JOE AND ONE FOR BALZAC – AND JOE GIVES HIM ONE, TOO. I DON’T HAVE KIDS, BUT THIS SCENE MAKES ME WANT ONE COS WHY ELSE WOULD I BE COVERED IN BEER TEARS? IT’S LIKE THAT SCENE IN THE ACCIDENTAL TOURIST WHEN WILLIAM HURT DISCOVERS GEENA DAVIS’ KID IN THE ALLEY AFTER HE’S TRASHED BY THE OTHER LITTLE FUCKHEADS AND TAKES HIS HAND AND WALKS WITH HIM. BIG TEARS.

LATER, JOE EXCHANGES CHRISTMAS EVE GIFTS WITH NANCY ALLEN AT HER PLACE. SHE LAYS ON HIM SOME DEAD BON VIVANT’S SILK BLAZER AND HE LAYS ON HER A KISS, WHICH, ACCORDING TO SOME, IS THE SYMBOL OF HOLY UNION. THEN THEY BREAK UP AGAIN.

AT THE OFFICE CHRISTMAS PARTY, EMILY GETS DUMPED. LATER, SHE'S ROPED INTO ATTENDING ANOTHER HOLIDAY BASH, HOSTED BY HER MOTHER (JEAN STAPLETON, “ALL IN THE FAMILY”), A CAREER SECRETARY. EMILY LOOKS ON WHILE GRAMS ENTERTAINS HER FELLOW ROTARY CLUB REGS, WONDERING IF THIS IS HER FUTURE.

JOE AND BALZAC, MEANWHILE, SET SAIL IN A TEARDROP.

THE KID RETURNS FROM WINTER BREAK JAZZED ON JOE’S GIFT, A COPY OF 1984. WHEN EMILY DISCOVERS THE KID AND JOE RAPPING ABOUT ORWELL IN THE HALL, SHE TELLS JOE TO TAKE A HIKE. SO BEGINS A DIALOGUE-HEAVY ARGUMENT IN WHICH JOE ILLUSTRATES FOR EMILY THAT HER FEARS OF HIM BEING A PEDOPHILE ARE ERRONEOUS; HE JUST FEELS BAD FOR THE KID COS HE’S A GEEK WITH NO FRIENDS. EMILY, EVER THE STUBBORN SORT, REMAINS THIN-LIPPED. 

WHEN THE KID THROWS SHADE AT EMILY AFTER THE BLOWOUT WITH JOE AT SCHOOL, SHE RETURNS TO APOLOGIZE. EMILY SAYS IT’S OK IF JOE WANTS TO HANG WITH THE KID, SHE KNOWS HE ISN’T A PERV. SHE ALSO REALIZES JOE ISN’T JUST A “DUMB GUARD” BUT A GUY WHO’S WRITING A BOOK, WORKING AS A GUARD BECAUSE, WELL, IT PAYS THE BILLS.

JOE DEMONSTRATES HIS LATEST INVENTION, A DOG-WASHING MACHINE. THE KID SEEMS MORE INTERESTED IN TRYING TO FIX JOE UP WITH EMILY. JOE SAYS HE’S NOT INTERESTED. THEN THE KID TRIES TO FIX EMILY UP WITH JOE. SHE SAYS SHE’S NOT INTERESTED.

THEN THE KID HAS TO GO AWAY ON SOME LAME OVERNIGHT WITH HIS SCHOOL. JOE AND EMILY SEE HIM OFF. JOE’S WEARING SOME QUINTESSENTIALLY DREYFUSSIAN FEDORA. THE KID BEING GONE LEAVES EMILY ALONE WITH NOTHING TO DO, SO SHE DOES WHAT EVERYONE DID IN THE LATE LIGHT OF THE SEXUAL REVOLUTION… SHE CUTS LOOSE.

DOES SHE EVER! YES, EMILY AND JOE HAVE CASUAL INTERCOURSE. UNFORTUNATELY, THEY’RE BOTH STILL IN LOVE WITH THEIR RESPECTIVE EXES. JUDGING FROM THE POLITE PILLOW TALK, I’LL HAZARD TO GUESS THE SEX WASN’T SO HAPPENING. JOE PROPOSES THEY NEVER SLEEP TOGETHER AGAIN AND BE FRIENDS INSTEAD, A RADICALLY NEW CONCEPT IN 1983. EMILY’S ALL FOR IT.

A MONTAGE IS THROWN IN TO SUPPORT THIS GREAT NEW PLATONIC FRIEND-THING. WE OBSERVE JOE, EMILY, AND THE KID SPENDING A LOT OF TIME TOGETHER. THEY GO SEE STAR WARS, PLAY FRISBEE AT THE BEACH, AND EAT CHINESE FOOD. ON THE WEEKEND OF THE KID’S BIRTHDAY, JOE TAKES EMILY AND THE KID ON A TRIP. DURING THE DRIVE TO SOLVANG OR WHEREVER LOWER MIDDLE-CLASS ANGELENOS VACATIONED IN 1983, THEY SING DEL SHANNON’S “RUNAWAY.” JOE CONVINCES EMILY TO BUY THE KID A DOG FOR HIS BIRTHDAY. EMILY IS RELUCTANT, SINCE SHE KNOWS HER MOTHER WILL PROTEST AT THE SIGHT OF THE MUTT. SHE BUYS IT ANYWAY. THE KID’S REALLY JAZZED ON THE DOG. THAT NIGHT, EMILY TELLS JOE ALL ABOUT HER LIFE AND THE MEN IN IT, INCLUDING THE KID’S FATHER – SOME FACELESS CREEP IN A ’66 MUSTANG WHO SPLIT THE SCENE AS SOON AS EMILY WAS KNOCKED UP.

BACK AT JOE’S PAD, JOE HELPS THE KID BUILD A MODEL REPLICA OF A ROMAN SOMETHING OR OTHER AND RECEIVES A CALL FROM NANCY ALLEN. JOE DROPS EVERYTHING HE’S DOING AND LEAVES EMILY AND THE KID BEHIND, EVEN THOUGH EMILY’S TOTALLY PLAYING HER MUSIC FOR THE PEOPLE IN SHORTS AND A BATHING SUIT TOP, REPLETE WITH HARDCORE PERSPIRATION. WHAT AN ASSHOLE! AS SOME KIND OF CONSOLATION, JOE TELLS EMILY SHE CAN READ HIS BOOK. THEN JOE RUSHES BACK INSIDE. HIS CAR HAS A FLAT TIRE. CAN HE BORROW EMILY’S?

JOE AND EMILY RESCUE NANCY ALLEN, WHO’S HER USUAL CHARMING, SELF-INVOLVED TOOTSIE SELF. ONCE AGAIN, WE’RE MYSTIFIED BY JOE’S CONTINUED OBSESSION WITH THE BITCH IN THE SADDLE SHOES.

LATER, JOE COOKS BURGERS FOR THE WHOLE FAM. GRAMS RATTLES ON ABOUT ABOUT BORING LEGAL EAGLE-OFFICE POLITICS, THEN INQUIRES INTO JOE’S PLANS FOR THE FUTURE. JOE TELLS HER THE GUARD GIG IS JUST TEMPORARY, HE’S BEEN WRITING A BOOK -- AND EMILY’S BEEN READING IT. IS IT ANY GOOD? I DUNNO, ASK EMILY.

EMILY TELLS JOE WHAT SHE THINKS OF HIS BOOK, WITHOUT, OF COURSE, TELLING JOE WHAT SHE THINKS ABOUT THE BOOK. SHE’S OVERLY POLITE, WHICH JOE TAKES TO MEAN SHE HATED THE BOOK. YES, THE BOOK DOES INDEED STINK. MOREOVER, JOE STINKS AS A WRITER.

“I’ve written five books, and they all lack exactly the same thing: talent. I guess it’s not enough to really love something…you have to be able to do it.”

JOE TAKES HIS MANUSCRIPT TO THE JETTY AT PLAYA DEL REY AND SETS IT FREE. GOODBYE, WRITING. HELLO, BEER TEARS. ON EMILY’S SUGGESTION, JOE DECIDES TO FOCUS ON HIS INVENTIONS. HE DRAGS HIS DOG-WASH TO A LOCAL PET SHOP AND, WHEN CUSTOMERS BEGIN TO INQUIRE ABOUT IT, THE OWNER CUTS A DEAL WITH JOE TO MAKE MORE.

JOE MEETS EMILY AFTER WORK AND ANNOUNCES TO HER THAT HE’S A FAILED NOVELIST NO MORE, BUT A SUCCESSFUL INVENTOR! JOE GETS SO CAUGHT UP IN HIS MOMENT OF TRIUMPH, HE KISSES EMILY PASSIONATELY. IT AWAKENS SOMETHING IN EMILY, TOO. SUDDENLY, SHE IS SMITTEN. JOE QUITS HIS JOB AT THE SCHOOL AND THE THREE AMIGOS CELEBRATE. JOE PROPOSES THEY ALL TAKE A TRIP ONCE HE FINISHES THE DOG-WASHER TO SOMEWHERE EIGHTIES-EXOTIC LIKE RIO. THEN THAT DAMNED NANCY ALLEN POPS IN TO TALK TO JOE. THEY GO OFF INTO JOE’S ROOM AND NEVER COME OUT. AFTER A WHILE, EMILY TELLS THE KID THEY SHOULD GO. 

NEXT THING YOU KNOW, EMILY’S SMOKING IN BED AGAIN, ALONE. IT’S TWO IN THE MORNING AND SHE STILL HASN’T HEARD FROM JOE. SHE GOES TO THE KID’S ROOM AND LAYS IN BED WITH HIM. THE KID TELLS HER ABOUT THE BOOK HE’S READING, AND THE CONCEPT OF “THE BUDDY SYSTEM” – WHEN SOLDIERS WERE SENT TO BATTLE WITH FRIENDS FROM THEIR HOMETOWN, IN THE HOPE THAT THEY WOULD FIGHT HARDER TO PROTECT EACH OTHER. THE KID SEES EMILY AND JOE AS PART OF HIS PERSONAL BUDDY SYSTEM. LATER, JOE EXPLAINS TO EMILY OVER DRINKS THE BACKSTORY ON NANCY ALLEN’S RETURN, HOW HER BOYFRIEND KICKED HER OUT WHEN HE REALIZED TOOTS WAS A SHE-DEVIL. SHE HAD NOWHERE TO GO. JOE WAS AVAILABLE, OR SO NANCY ALLEN THOUGHT. EMILY REALLY DOESN’T WANT TO HEAR ANY MORE ABOUT NANCY ALLEN AS LONG AS SHE LIVES. SHE TELLS JOE GOODBYE.

“What’s wrong with you!!! Why can’t you get anybody to love you?”

THE KID’S LOOKING MORE AND MORE LIKE A 40-YEAR-OLD MAN. WHEN EMILY EXPLAINS TO HIM THAT JOE WON’T BE COMING OVER AS MUCH, THE KID DECIDES TO TAKE MATTERS INTO HIS OWN HANDS. HE HOPS ON HIS HUFFY AND SHAGS ASS TO VENICE, WHERE JOE’S IN THE MIDDLE OF MOVING ALL OF NANCY ALLEN’S SHIT INTO HIS PAD. JOE TRIES TO EXPLAIN TO THE KID THAT ALTHOUGH HE DIGS EMILY AND THE KID VERY MUCH, THIS IS SOMETHING HE HAS TO DO. JOE IS A PRODUCT OF HIS TIME. REMEMBER, THE BUDDY SYSTEM WAS MADE DURING A PERIOD OF UNPRECEDENTED NARCISSISM IN AMERICA, WHEN MEN AND WOMEN FULLY COMMITTED THEMSELVES TO FINDING THEIR BLISS AT ANY COST AND, CONSEQUENTLY, DAMAGED A LOT OF OTHER PEOPLE’S LIVES IN THE PROCESS. THIS IS ALL A LITTLE TOO GROWN-UP FOR A 10-YEAR-OLD TO FULLY GRASP, SO THE KID JUST TELLS JOE TO PISS OFF. I’M BEGINNING TO WONDER IF THIS MOVIE’S EVER GONNA END. 98 BOTTLES OF BEER ON THE WALL IS NO CRAP, I NEED TO CRASH. SO THE KID FINALLY GOES HOME, WHERE EMILY AND GRAMS ARE WAITING FOR HIM. EMILY FOLLOWS THE KID INTO HIS ROOM AND LAYS ON HIS BED. THE KID TELLS HER ABOUT JOE. EMILY IS SYMPATHETIC, SAYING STUFF LIKE “Y’KNOW, YOU CAN’T MAKE ANYONE LOVE YOU.” OR MAYBE THIS IS THE PART WITH THE BIG “BUDDY SYSTEM” SPEECH. I DON’T KNOW, IT’S BEEN LIKE TWO MONTHS SINCE I STARTED THIS MOVIE. 

NANCY ALLEN’S ALL MOVED IN AND BORING JOE TO DEATH WITH HER NEW-AGE BABBLE. FINALLY, SHE NOTICES JOE NODDING OFF. “FAMILIARITY BREEDS CONTENTMENT,” SHE SAYS. JOE CRACKS UP. HE’S LIVING WITH A MORON. FUCK YOU, NANCY ALLEN. JOE’S FLOUNDERING. HE BLEW A GREAT THING AND HE KNOWS IT.

GRAMS LOSES HER JOB AS THE WORLD’S NUMBER ONE SECRETARY. NO ONE WANTS TO KEEP ARCHIE BUNKER’S WIDOW ON THE PAYROLL, SHE’S TOO OLD AND BATTY. IT’S TIME SHE RELAXED AND WATCHED DAYTIME TELEVISION UNTIL SHE EXPIRES. EMILY’S NOT VERY STOKED ON THE PROSPECT OF FINANCIALLY SUPPORTING HER MOTHER.

EMILY AND THE KID DECIDE TO PAY JOE A VISIT, AFTER THEY SEE A DISPLAY OF HIS DOG-WASH IN A SHOP WINDOW. WHEN THEY GET TO JOE’S PAD, THEY SEE THAT HE’S MOVED OUT. EMILY STANDS OVER THE REMNANTS OF A TOMATO PLANT THAT SHE AND JOE PLANTED. SHE PICKS THE LAST TOMATO ON THE DYING VINE, THEN SHE CHUCKS IT.

EMILY TAKES THE STENOGRAPHER’S TEST AGAIN AND, WITH A LITTLE HELP FROM GOVERNOR JERRY BROWN, PASSES. (ed: WAS BROWN BANGING HER, TOO? AFTER ALL, HE DATED LINDA RONSTADT AND SARANDON DATED THE CANADIAN PRIME MINISTER, WHAT’S HIS NAME, FOR A WHILE... JUST SAYIN’...) EMILY TELLS GRAMS THAT SHE AND THE KID ARE MOVING OUT. GRAMS TAKES IT HARD, ESPECIALLY COS SHE LOVES THE KID MORE THAN SHE DOES HER OWN DAUGHTER. EMILY AND THE KID SPLIT THE SCENE. THE KID’S NOT HAPPY ABOUT IT. EMILY MOVES THEM INTO AN OKAY DUPLEX THAT ALLOWS PETS.

JOE’S LIVING BEYOND HIS MEANS IN A SLICK MODERN APARTMENT WITH A SUNKEN LIVING ROOM, BROWN TILE AND A SPIRAL STAIRCASE STRAIGHT OUTTA “THE MONKEES.” HE’S MISERABLE, HAVING SIGNED OVER THE PATENT ON ONE OF HIS INVENTIONS IN ORDER TO PAY THE RENT. NANCY ALLEN TELLS JOE SHE’S DECIDED TO HAVE A BABY, BUT SAYS IT IN SUCH A WAY THAT JOE ASSUMES SHE’S ALREADY PREGNANT.  WITH HIS FUTURE CRUMBLING BEFORE HIS EYES, JOE TELLS NANCY ALLEN HE CAN’T DO IT ANYMORE. IT’S OVER. AND, FOR THE RECORD, NANCY ALLEN IS NOT PREGNANT.

JOE VISITS GRAMS, NOT KNOWING EMILY MOVED OUT. GRAMS WON’T TELL HIM WHERE SHE MOVED TO, BUT SHE MENTIONS WHERE EMILY WILL BE THE FOLLOWING EVENING: AT THE KID’S THANKSGIVING PLAY. GRAMS BEGS JOE NOT TO ATTEND IF HE’S NOT SERIOUS ABOUT ANY FUTURE WITH EMILY AND THE KID. JOE THANKS HER. JOE GOES TO THE PLAY. FROM THE MOMENT HE SEES EMILY AND SHE SEES HIM, WE KNOW THAT IT’S FOR KEEPS. THAT’S IT. CUE THE FREEZE FRAME ENDING. ROLL CREDITS. THE MOVIE’S OVER.

FOURTH STORY IS DIRECTED BY IVAN PASSER. PASSER, AN EARLY MEMBER OF THE CZECH NEW WAVE, FLED THE EASTERN BLOC IN THE SEVENTIES FOR HOLLYWOOD. HE HAD TO PAY THE MORTGAGE ON HIS BURBANK TOWNHOUSE SOMEHOW, SO HE DIRECTED SOME SHITTY MOVIES AND ONE PRETTY GOOD ONE (THE 1980 THRILLER CUTTER’S WAY). AFTER THAT, HIS CAREER, WELL, I’M SURE IT’S A FAMILIAR STORY... THE KIDS WERE GROWN,THE WIFE WAS GONE, BUT EVERYONE STILL HAD THEIR MOTHERFUCKING HANDS OUT. PASSER KEPT AT IT. FOURTH STORY MARKS HIS PASSAGE INTO THE REALM OF MADE-FOR-TV MOVIES.

FOLLOWING THE LONGEST, CHEAPEST OPENING CREDIT SEQUENCE IN CABLE TELEVISION-MOVIE HISTORY, FEATURING A BLISTERING 94.7 “THE WAVE”-STYLE MODERN JAZZ NUMBER BY COMPOSER WILLIAM OLVIS, THE FLICK OPENS WITH A WOMAN, VALERIE (CHURCH OF SCIENTOLOGY LIFER MIMI ROGERS, MONKEY TROUBLE), RECOUNTING THE DISAPPEARANCE OF HER HUSBAND, DARYL (CLIFF DE YOUNG, HARRY AND TONTO). HE’S A BUSINESSMAN WITH A COUPLE ODD TICS, NAMELY HE DOODLES ON NEWSPAPERS A LOT AND WON’T FUCK HIS HOT WIFE. THEY LIVE IN A SWEET PAD IN THE HILLS OF SILVERLAKE, THE SAME MOVIE-HOUSE KENNETH BRANAGH OCCUPIED IN DEAD AGAIN. VALERIE’S AN ARTIST, WHICH MAKES IT GOOD THAT DARYL’S IN ADVERTISING OR ELSE THEY’D BE SCREWED. 

THE STORY GOES DARYL WENT AWAY ON A BUSINESS TRIP AND NEVER CAME BACK. HE ALWAYS CALLS HOME WHEN HE’S AWAY; THIS TIME HE DIDN’T. VALERIE BELIEVES HE’S BEEN KIDNAPPED.THE NEXT DAY, THE COPS FIND DARYL’S CAR ABANDONED IN EAST L.A.. WHEN THE INVESTIGATING OFFICER TAKES A TONE OF INDIFFERENCE TO THE CASE, SUGGESTING THAT DARYL MIGHT’VE SIMPLY WALKED OUT ON HIS WIFE FOR SOME EVEN MORE BEAUTIFUL SCIENTOLOGIST BABE, VALERIE DECIDES TO SEEK A SECOND OPINION.

SHE PAYS A VISITS TO DAVID SHEPARD (MARK HARMON, SUMMER SCHOOL), A PRIVATE INVESTIGATOR. SHEP’S A GOOD LOOKING GUY WITH AN UNFORTUNATE TASTE FOR THE BAGGY PLEATED DOCKERS EVERY WHITE MAN IN AMERICA OWNED A PAIR OF IN 1988. SHEP SPECIALIZES IN MISSING PERSONS WORK. HE’S THE KIND OF DETECTIVE WHO CAN’T FIND HIS OWN EYEGLASSES BECAUSE HE’S WEARING THEM, BUT HE CAN FIND YOUR MISSING LOVED ONE. SHEP’S INSTANTLY ATTRACTED TO VALERIE. HELL, OF COURSE HE IS, HE’S MARK FUCKING HARMON, PEOPLE MAGAZINE’S SEXIEST MAN ALIVE (1987). BEFORE VALERIE SHOWS UP, AN OLDER P.I. (M. EMMET WALSH, BLOOD SIMPLE) COMES BY TO SHOOT THE BREEZE. I’D BET A MILLION DOLLARS THE INSIDE OF HIS FEDORA SMELLS LIKE BOOZE SWEAT ASS.

SHEP FIGURES THE CHEATING HUSBAND ANGLE, SAME AS THE COPS. HE TAKES THE CASE ANYWAY, FIGURING ANYONE WHO’D WALK OUT ON A FINE PIECE OF SCIENTOLOGY TRIM LIKE VALERIE MUST BE GAY OR NUTS, AND IF IT’S THE FORMER MAYBE HE COULD GET A CRACK AT HER. SHEP’S FIRST ORDER OF BUSINESS IS CHECKING OUT WHERE DARYL WORKED. SHEP’S A P.I., SO HE KNOWS THE INS AND OUTS OF THE LAW. BEING THE SMART GUY HE IS, HE KEEPS AN OLD PARKING TICKET HANDY TO PLACE ON THE WINDSHIELD OF HIS CAR SO HE CAN PARK ANYWHERE WITH IMPUNITY.

THROUGH DARYL’S SECRETARY, SHEP LEARNS THAT DARYL NEVER TOOK ANY BUSINESS TRIPS, BECAUSE ALL OF THE FIRM’S CLIENTS ARE BASED IN L.A. BOOM! LOOKING THROUGH DARYL’S OFFICE, SHEP FINDS A NOTEPAD WITH LOTS OF DARYL’S CRAZY DOODLES AND A WOMAN’S NAME, ANITA, WRITTEN DOWN WITH A PHONE NUMBER. MEANWHILE, THE COPS DOWNTOWN GET WIND OF AN UNIDENTIFIED STIFF AT THE MORGUE. THEY BOP DOWN THERE. AFTER SOME CUTE BACK-AND-FORTH WITH THE MEDICAL EXAMINER, THE DETECTIVE (PAUL GLEASON, THE BREAKFAST CLUB) HAS HIS PARTNER (MICHAEL BOATMAN, THE GLASS SHIELD) I.D. THE STIFF: MID TO LATE THIRTIES, WHITE MALE, DECEASED. HE WAS FOUND IN A VACANT LOT DOWNTOWN, SMASHED IN THE FACE WITH A BLUNT OBJECT.

HARMON GOES TO THE WIFE’S PAD. HE’S SCARED OF HER DOG. SHE’S BABYSITTING SOME NEIGHBORHOOD KIDS.

“This is mister Shepard. He’s a private detective, kinda like Humphrey Bogart… or Johnny Depp!”

IS VALERIE REFERENCING “21 JUMP STREET”? DO I CARE? SHEP COMPLIMENTS VALERIE’S ART, THEN TELLS HER DARYL WAS TAKING DUMMY BUSINESS TRIPS AND CLEARING AN EXTRA TWO GRAND A MONTH AT HIS JOB THAT HE WASN’T TAKING HOME WITH HIM. HE’S A PHANTOM. HE PROBABLY CHANGED HIS NAME. HE DOESN’T WANT TO BE FOUND. YES, BEFORE THE WORLD INTELLIGENCE COMMUNITY SPAWNED THE INTERNET, IT WAS STILL KINDA POSSIBLE TO DISAPPEAR. SORRY, BABE. MY OFFICE WILL SEND YOU A BILL. 

SHEP RETURNS TO HIS SAD OFFICE AND MINI-FRIDGE FULL OF LEFTOVER KFC. SOMEWHERE, A MURPHY BED IS CALLING HIS NAME. BEFORE SHEP CAN SACK OUT, HIS BUDDY HARRY APPEARS FOR SOME COMIC RELIEF. HARRY’S ANOTHER P.I., THE REAL KIND. HARRY DOESN’T SOLVE EXCITING MOVIE MYSTERIES, HE DOES NIGHTTIME SURVEILLANCE OF CHEATING HUSBANDS AND WIVES. DIVORCE WORK, THEY CALL IT IN THE BIZ. THE TWO MEN CHOW DOWN ON SOME CHICKEN DRUMSTICKS.

SHEP EXPLAINS HIS LATEST CASE, THE MISSING-HUSBAND-WHO’S-PROBABLY-NOT-REALLY-MISSING, HE-JUST-DOESN’T-WANT-TO-BE-FOUND. HARRY SAYS IT’S TOO BAD SHEP DROPPED THE CASE, THE WIFE LOOKS LIKE A GREAT PIECE OF ASS. SHEP CONCURS.

VALERIE WAKES UP FROM A NAP IN HER BACKYARD. THE KIDS ARE GONE. SHE’S BEEN HITTING THE VINO ALL AFTERNOON.

SAD AND DRUNK, VALERIE TAKES A LOUISVILLE SLUGGER TO ONE OF HER SCULPTURES, A BUST RESEMBLING A MORE GROTESQUE DARYL. SUDDENLY, SHEP APPEARS. HE AGREES TO SOLDIER ON WITH THE CASE, MAINLY BECAUSE HE CAN’T UNDERSTAND WHY DARYL WOULD LEAVE SUCH A GREAT PIECE OF ASS. HE PERSUADES VALERIE TO REENACT THE MORNING DARYL DISAPPEARED, JUST WHAT, IF ANYTHING, WENT DOWN THAT WAS OUT OF THE ORDINARY? WHEN THEY DO THIS, SHEP LEARNS THAT DARYL DIDN’T WANT TO BONE VALERIE. SHE SHOWS HIM THE NEWSPAPER DARYL WAS READING, WITH DOODLES DRAWN ON IT THAT SHEP RECOGNIZES FROM A NOTEPAD HE SAW IN DARYL’S OFFICE. NEXT, THEY GO TO BOYLE HEIGHTS TO CHECK OUT WHERE DARYL’S CAR WAS FOUND. VALERIE’S WEARING A FOXY RIDING OUTFIT, WITH BOOTS AND TIGHTS AND A TIT VEST. SHEP, ON THE OTHER HAND, IS STILL WEARING HIS AL PACINO SLACKS AND A BASEBALL JACKET.

BOYLE HEIGHTS IS A BOZO NO-NO. VALERIE EXPRESSES HER THEORY THAT SHEP’S NOT REALLY TRYING TO FIND HER HUSBAND, BUT, RATHER, CHASE HIS WIFE. SHEP TAKES HER TO SOME COLLEGE LIBRARY, EXPLAINING THIS IS WHERE PEOPLE GO WHEN THEY WANT TO CHANGE THEIR IDENTITY. HE GIVES HER THIS LONG SPIEL ABOUT WHAT YOU HAVE TO DO TO BECOME SOMEONE ELSE. FIRST, YOU FIND THE NAME OF A PERSON WHO WAS BORN ON THE SAME DAY AS YOU AND DIED IN INFANCY; THEN YOU TAKE THAT PERSON’S NAME; THEN YOU GO DOWN TO THE HALL OF RECORDS AND RETAIN A COPY OF THE DECEDENT’S BIRTH CERTIFICATE; THEN YOU’RE SET… SUCH WAS LIFE PRE-INTERNET, DNA TESTING, HOMELAND SECURITY WATCHDOG NIGHTMARE. SHEP LEADS VALERIE DOWN THE FASCINATING RABBIT HOLE OF LOS ANGELES BABY DEATHS OF 1951. MEANWHILE, THE COPS REALIZE THAT THE JOHN DOE IN THE MORGUE MAY VERY WELL BE VALERIE’S MISSING HUSBAND. DURING THEIR LIBRARY MARATHON, VALERIE ASKS HOW SHEP GOT INTERESTED IN HIS TRADE AND HE TELLS HER THAT HE BECAME A DETECTIVE TO FIND THE BROTHER THAT HE LEFT BEHIND WHEN HIS BIRTH PARENTS DIED AND HE WAS ADOPTED. HOLY SHIT! SOMEWHERE, SHEP’S GOT A BROTHER! THEY FIND A BABY WHO DIED WITH DARYL’S ACTUAL NAME! INSTEAD OF DARYL CHANGING HIS NAME TO SOMETHING ELSE, DARYL ONCE CHANGED HIS NAME TO DARYL FROM SOMETHING ELSE. BUT WHY? GREAT WORK SO FAR, EVERYBODY. OH YEAH, SOMEONE KEEPS CALLING VALERIE AND SPOOKING HER WITH LOTS OF DERANGED MOUTH BREATHING. THIS PERSISTS AFTER DARYL’S DISAPPEARANCE. SHEP RETURNS TO HIS OFFICE TO FIND THAT HARRY HAS BEEN ATTACKED IN THE PARKING GARAGE AND IS BEING LED AWAY IN AN AMBULANCE.

THE COPS ARE GETTING BUPKUS FROM VALERIE COS SHE’S NEVER HOME WHEN THEY CALL. SHEP VISITS HARRY IN THE HOSPITAL. HE’S SMOKING A PIPE AND DOING A TV GUIDE CROSSWORD PUZZLE. SHEP SLIPS HARRY A BOTTLE OF OLD TIMES, THEN REALIZES SOMETHING AND HAS TO LEAVE. TURNS OUT THE WOMAN SHEP THOUGHT DARYL LEFT VALERIE FOR, ANITA, IS ACTUALLY A STREET IN BOYLE HEIGHTS. SHEP AND VALERIE RETURN TO EAST L.A. TO FIND THE ADDRESS DARYL WROTE DOWN. IT TURNS OUT TO BE A FLOWER SHOP RUN BY, OF ALL PEOPLE, COMEDY WRITER EXTRAORDINAIRE BRUCE VILANCH. WHAT’S HE DOING IN THE BARRIO, AY?

SHEP AND VALERIE POSE AS NEWLYWEDS TO IMPRESS THE FLOWER GUY AND FIND OUT WHO DARYL POSED AS WHEN HE BOUGHT THEM FLOWERS… PETER KILGORE! SHEP FINDS A PAYPHONE AND INSTANTLY RECOGNIZES ONE OF DARYL’S DOODLES ON THE PHONE BOX, INCLUDING A PHONE NUMBER HE WROTE DOWN. SHEP DIALS THE NUMBER AND A TAXI COMPANY ASNWERS. AT THE CAB COMPANY, SHEP AND VALERIE TALK THE MANAGER (RICHARD EDSON, STRANGER THAN PARADISE ), WHO’S WEARING A RAD “FREE JAMES BROWN” SHIRT, INTO GIVING THEM THE FARE INFORMATION FOR THE RIDE DARYL TOOK.

SO IT TURNS OUT DARYL TOOK THE CAB TO A CATHOLIC CHURCH WHERE HIS PARENTS ARE BURIED BACK IN THE CEMETARY. DARYL’S PARENTS’ LAST NAME IS KILGORE… MEANING DARYL MCLAUGHLIN’S REAL NAME IS PETER KILGORE, JR. HOLY SHIT! HE LEFT THE FLOWERS AT THE GRAVESITE. MEANWHILE, THE COPS ARE GETTING BUBKUS FROM VALERIE. SHE’S M.I.A. THE LIEUTENANT HAS HIS SERGEANT SEND A COUPLE UNIFORMS OUT TO SCOUT VALERIE’S PAD, WHERE, COINCIDENTALLY, VALERIE AND SHEP END UP AT. SHE INVITES HIM IN FOR COFFEE. AFTER VALERIE MAKES THE COFFEE, SHEP POPS THE QUESTION: 

“Do you believe in reincarnation?”

BEFORE SHE CAN ANSWER, VALERIE GETS ONE OF THOSE WEIRD PHONE CALLS WHERE THE VOICE ON THE OTHER END JUST WHINES. SHEP TELLS HER TO PACK A BAG, BUT BEFORE SHE CAN HE KISSES HER AND THIS LEADS TO SEXUAL INTERCOURSE.

LATER THAT NIGHT, IN VALERIE’S BED, SHEP HAS A NIGHTMARE. THE DREAMS GOES SOME DRUNK ASSHOLE COMES OUT OF THE RAIN, ENTERS HIS FLEABAG APARTMENT AND KNOCKS HIS WIFE OUT WITH A CHAIR, KILLING HER. NEXT,  A CHILD PUSHES THE DRUNK MAN OUT OF A WINDOW. END OF NIGHTMARE. VALERIE’S DOG STARTS BARKING AT SOMETHING OUTSIDE THE HOUSE. VALERIE GETS SCARED THAT IT’S DARYL. SHEP GETS UP, BARE ASSED AS THE DAY HE WAS BORN, TO CHECK IT OUT. VALERIE TELLS SHEP TO TAKE HIS GUN.

“What gun?! I’m a private investigator...”

SHEP DOESN’T FIND ANYTHING OUTSIDE. WHEN HE GETS BACK IN THE HOUSE, HE CALLS HARRY AND GIVES HIM THE LOWDOWN ON NEW DEVELOPMENTS IN THE CASE, INCLUDING THAT HE BELIEVES THE GUY WHO KNOCKED HARRY OUT WAS ACTUALLY AFTER HIM.

“Drop the case, don’t look back.”

“Can’t do it, Harry.”

“Kid, what’s the first rule of Missing Persons work?”

“The human body is only worth seventy-eight cents.”

SUDDENLY, VALERIE APPEARS CARRYING A BASEBALL BAT, SCARING THE SHIT OF SHEP AND ENDING HIS PHONE CONVO WITH HARRY. SHEP TELLS VALERIE TO FINISH PACKING, HE’S TAKING HER TO HIS PLACE. IT’S BEGINNING TO RAIN. WHILE THEY’RE DRIVING, SHEP NOTICES HE’S BEING FOLLOWED.

SO BEGINS A LAME CAR CHASE. THE WHITE JAZZ IS CRANKED UP TO ELEVEN DURING THIS SCENE, WHICH ENDS AT “THE ONE PLACE THEY WON’T FOLLOW US” -- THE POLICE STATION. TURNS OUT THE CAR FOLLOWING SHEP AND VALERIE IS AN UNMARKED POLICE CRUISER. WHEN THEY RUN INTO THE STATION HOUSE, SHEP AND VALERIE BUMP INTO THE TWO DETECTIVES. THEY TAKE VALERIE DOWN TO THE MORGUE, WHERE SHE IDENTIFIES A BLOATED CARCASS AS THAT OF HER MISSING HUSBAND. SHEP’S NOT SO SURE.

THE COPS BEGIN INTERROGATING SHEP AND VALERIE. SHEP PLAYS IT COOL, TELLS VALERIE TO SHUT UP UNTIL SHE GETS A LAWYER. HE HAS THE COPS RUN THE NAME PETER KILGORE IN THEIR DATABASE. TURNS OUT THE PETER KILGORE ON RECORD IS DARYL’S FATHER, PETER KILGORE, SR, WHO DIED IN 1959 AFTER MURDERING HIS WIFE AND FALLING OUT A FOURTH STORY WINDOW. SOUND FAMILIAR? THE CORONER RULED IT A SUICIDE. DARYL WOULD’VE BEEN EIGHT AT THE TIME OF HIS PARENTS’ DEATH. SHEP’S E.S.P. IS WORKING OVERTIME. HE CONVINCES VALERIE THAT THE DEAD PERSON THEY’VE JUST OBSERVED IS NOT DARYL. SHEP INSISTS THEY NEED TO FIND DARYL, IF ONLY TO VINDICATE THEMSELVES FROM THE POLICE INVESTIGATION. THEY DRIVE DOWN TO SKID ROW LOOKING FOR THE APARTMENT BUILDING WHERE DARYL’S FATHER DIED. ON THE WAY, SHEP GOES PROWLING DOWN SOME DARK ALLEYS, WAVING HIS FLASHLIGHT IN THE FACES OF BUMS WHO ARE ASLEEP LIKE A DICK.

THEY FINALLY FIND THE APARTMENT BUILDING, WHICH, FROM THE OUTSIDE, DOESN’T LOOK ANYTHING LIKE A SHITTY SKID ROW FLOPHOUSE. FOR STARTERS, IT HAS A COURTYARD. SOMEHOW THIS IS THE SPOT, THOUGH. KILGORE’S NAME IS EVEN LISTED ON THE DOOR BUZZER. SOMEHOW SHEP AND VALERIE BREAK INTO THE APARTMENT AND, GODDAMN, IT’S A SHITHOLE! LET’S JUST SAY IT’S NOT THE TYPE OF PLACE YOU’D BRING A GIRL TO, EVEN IF SHE WAS INCREDIBLY DRUNK AND YOU HAD PLANS TO KILL HER LATER. THE MENTAL ILLNESS VARIABLE IS BEGINNING TO BE MORE AND MORE APPARENT IN DARYL’S INCOGNITO SELF. OH YEAH, AND IT’S RAINING REALLY HARD OUTSIDE. YOU KNOW, LIKE THE NIGHT DARYL’S DAD DIED. MAYBE THERE’S EVEN SOME THUNDER OR LIGHTNING TO CHASE WITH THAT SUSPENSE. SHEP THINKS HE SEES SOMEONE OUTSIDE THE WINDOW PEERING IN. HE FOLLOWS THE FIGURE, CLIMBING SOME VINTAGE WWII-ERA PIPEAGE AND HUMPING IT TO THE ROOF. 

SORRY, THE KTLA-TV BUILDING IS NOT VISIBLE FROM SKID ROW. THIS AIN’T DOWNTOWN L.A., IT’S HOLLYWOOD. SHEP DOESN’T FIND SHIT UP ON THE ROOF. THE SHADOWY FIGURE IS NOWHERE TO BE SEEN. TO ADD INSULT TO INJURY, SHEP’S LOST HIS EYEGLASSES AGAIN AND THE DOOR LEADING BACK DOWN IS LOCKED.

“Hello, Valerie.”

DUTCH LENS TIME! YOU REMEMBER VALERIE’S WACKO HUSBAND, DON’T YOU? SINCE LAST WE SAW OL’ DARYL, HE’S DITCHED THE VAN HEUSEN THREADS AND COPPED SOME WINO’S SCENE DOWN ON THE NICKEL. VALERIE PLACATES DARYL, HOPING TO GOD SHEP BUSTS IN BEFORE HER HUBBY SNUFFS HER. DARYL GNOSHES ON SOME STALE TORTILLA CHIPS AND BEER, TALKING NONSENSICALLY ABOUT HOW HE JUST KILLED HIS FATHER. HE WIPES SOMEONE’S BLOOD OFF ON HIS SHIRT. VALERIE FEARS DARYL HAS CONFUSED SHEP WITH THE LATE PETER KILGORE, SR.

SHEP’S BACK! BUT HE’S STILL OUTSIDE COS HE HAD TO HUMP THOSE PIPES BACK DOWNSTAIRS. HE SEES VALERIE AND DARYL MAKING AWKWARD SMALL TALK, OR DOES HE? REMEMBER, SHEP DOESN’T HAVE HIS GLASSES ON. DARYL AND VALERIE BEGIN TO STRUGGLE. SHEP SCREAMS VALERIE’S NAME, BECAUSE THAT’S WHAT YOU DO WHEN YOU’RE STUCK OUTSIDE IN THE RAIN. THIS CATCHES DARYL’S ATTENTION. HE BORROWS VALERIE’S LOUISVILLE SLUGGER AND GOES TO THE WINDOW TO DEAL WITH SHEP.

DARYL ATTACKS SHEP WITH THE BASEBALL BAT. RIGHT BEFORE HE CAN DELIVER THE FINAL BLOW, DARYL AND SHEP’S E.S.P. KICKS IN AND EACH MAN HAS A FLASHBACK TO THE NIGHT DARYL’S DAD WAS KILLED. IT’S THEN DARYL AND SHEP REALIZE THEY’RE BROTHERS. WHOA! DARYL STOPS SWINGING. THEN VALERIE, UNAWARE OF THIS SUDDEN FAMILIAL BOND, PUSHES DARYL OUT THE WINDOW.

BY THE TIME DARYL’S BODY HITS THE WET PAVEMENT, THE COPS ARE ALREADY THERE WITH THE RAIN MACHINE. DARYL’S NOT QUITE DEAD. HE MUMBLES THAT NIGHT’S LUCKY LOTTO NUMBERS TO HIMSELF. THEN HE DIES. THE COPS BRING VALERIE AND SHEP DOWN TO I.D. THE BODY. VALERIE SAYS DARYL WAS INSANE. THE COPS ARE STILL A LITTLE SKEPTICAL ABOUT HOW HE FELL OUT THE WINDOW, BUT THEY DON’T REALLY CARE, EITHER. IT’S TIME TO GET OUT OF THE RAIN.

THE OLDER DETECTIVE SAYS SOME CYNICAL COP SHIT ABOUT HOW VALERIE’S A BABE AND HE CAN UNDERSTAND WHY A GUY WOULD JUMP DOWN FOUR STORIES TO BE WITH HER, SO WHY THE HELL NOT, AY? THE COPS WALK OFF. A FEW DAYS LATER, SHEP HAS A CAST ON HIS ARM AND HE’S MAKING OUT WITH VALERIE BY HER BIG ASS WINDOWS. THE END. 

Ext. Idyllic Austrian Mountain Village, Day

An Old Man In A Toga Pulls A Cow Across A Flowing Stream

Cut To: A Butcher Shop

Then: The Old Man Is Descending A Stairwell With The Cow In The Echo Park Section Of Los Angeles.

Then: The Old Man’s Walking Across The Echo Park Lake As Bodybuilders Train In The B/G

A Young Man Appears, Presumably The Old Man’s Son “…What Are You Doing In America?”

CU: The Old Man, His Neck Draped In Sausages, Raises A Knife…

“A good butcher uses every part of the cow, August… how many times have I told you?”

A YOUNG MAN AWAKENS. IT’S THE MIDDLE OF THE NIGHT. HE’S HAD A BAD DREAM. HE GETS UP AND PUMPS SOME IRON. LOUDLY. THIS IS AUGUST.

MEANWHILE, IN A NEIGHBORING APARTMENT, A YOUNG WOMAN IS LISTENING TO THE PRIMAL SOUNDS COMING FROM AUGUST’S UNIT – SHE MISTAKES IT FOR SEX. THIS IS MAY. SHE IS INTERRUPTED BY HER 8-YEAR-OLD SON. THIS IS HENRY. HE’S HAVING TROUBLE GOING TO SLEEP.

“May, can I have some milk?”

“At this hour?! It’ll just make you fart.”

MAY LETS HENRY SLEEP IN HER ROOM. AFTER HER SON TURNS OUT THE LIGHT, MAY LIGHTS A CIGARETTE AND RUMINATES ON HER EXISTENCE. WELCOME TO ECHO PARK.

OPENING CREDITS:

“SHE’S ABOUT A MOVER” PLAYS.

A YOUNG MAN DELIVERS PIZZAS IN THE NIGHT. THIS IS JONATHAN.

A LARGE TRUCK HAULS A TRACT HOME DOWN THE STREET. IF YOU’RE COOL, THIS SEQUENCE WILL REMIND YOU OF THAT ONE IN X: THE UNHEARD MUSIC IN WHICH A LARGE TRUCK HAULS A TRACT HOME DOWN THE STREET. LA’S EASTSIDE LOOKS LIKE IT USED TO LOOK, LIKE IT’LL ALWAYS LOOK: ONE BIG UGLY TABLEAU OF TACO GREASE, CARBURETOR DUNG AND FM RADIO SNATCH.

MORNING. CAMERA PULLS BACK ON MAY TO REVEAL A BIG, DECREPIT VICTORIAN HOUSE THAT’S BEEN SPLIT INTO APARTMENTS.

THE THREE PRINCIPAL CHARACTERS ASSUME THEIR MORNING RITUALS AND HEAD TO WORK.

WE SEE JONATHAN’S PIZZA TRUCK, A BEAT-UP TOYOTA PICKUP WITH A LARGE SCULPTURE OF A PIZZA THAT LIGHTS UP. ACCORDING TO THE SCRIPT, WHICH I PURCHASED A COPY OF AT LARRY EDMUND’S BOOKSTORE BACK WHEN I WAS REALLY BORED, THE PIZZA SCULPTURE IS MODELED AFTER A SALVADOR DALI PIECE. JONATHAN DRESSES LIKE AN ASEXUAL BOHEMIAN POET -- IN BAGGY KHAKIS AND A PANAMA HAT. SOON WE’LL LEARN JONATHAN IS, IN FACT, AN ASEXUAL SONGWRITER LIVING IN A BOHEMIAN PART OF LOS ANGELES. DIG THE DISTINCTION! GUYS LIKE JONATHAN LAID THE GROUNDWORK FOR GUYS LIKE ME TO DO MY THING, WHICH, SINCE YOU ASKED, IS DRIVING HEROIN ADDICTS AROUND IN A FORD E-150 VAN. IF IT SOUNDS LIKE I’M SUGGESTING THAT HEROIN IS TO THE MILLENIALS WHAT PIZZA WAS TO THE BOOMERS, MAYBE I AM.

WHEN JONATHAN CAN’T FIND THE PHYSICAL ADDRESS TO ONE OF HIS DELIVERIES, HE CALLS HIS BOSS, VINNIE (TIMOTHY CAREY) ON A PAYPHONE. HE CAN’T FIND THE HOUSE BECAUSE IT WAS REMOVED THE NIGHT BEFORE, DURING THE OPENING CREDITS. ACCORDING TO IMDB, THIS IS TIM CAREY’S LAST CREDITED ROLE. YOU MIGHT REMEMBER HIM AS THE WILD AND CRAZY GUY FROM KUBRICK’S THE KILLING OR, MY PERSONAL FAVORITE, THE WILD AND CRAZY GUY FROM CASSAVETES’ MINNIE AND MOSCOWITZ. CAREY WAS, BY ALL ACCOUNTS, A WILD AND CRAZY GUY IN REAL LIFE, TOO.

MAY BOPS DOWN TO THE LA WEEKLY OFFICES AND BEGS THE CLASSIFIEDS EDITOR TO PLACE TWO ADS FOR HER GRATIS, ONE FOR EMPLOYMENT (ACTRESS) AND ONE FOR HOUSING (ROOMMATE WANTED).

AUGUST WORKS AT AN UP-AND-COMING GYM CALLED MUSCLE HEAVEN. THE GYM IS OWNED BY A MARRIED COUPLE, PLAYED BY RICHARD “CHEECH” MARIN AND CASSANDRA “ELVIRA” PETERSON. THIS IS THIRTY YEARS BEFORE CROSSFIT, DEAL.

LATER, ON THE BACK STAIRWELL LEADING TO EACH APARTMENT, MAY INTRODUCES HERSELF TO AUGUST. SHE POLITELY ASKS HIM NOT TO WORK OUT WHILE SHE’S INTERVIEWING PROSPECTIVE ROOMMATES BECAUSE IT SOUNDS LIKE HE’S HAVING SEXUAL INTERCOURSE.

A MONTAGE OF INTERVIEWEES: TOO OLD. TOO STODGY. TOO WEIRD.

INTERESTINGLY, IN THE EIGHTIES OLD APARTMENTS STILL CAME FURNISHED WITH MURPHY BEDS.

BY THE END OF THE DAY, MAY IS EXHAUSTED. SHE HAS NO GOOD PROSPECTS FOR THE ROOM. A KNOCK AT THE DOOR! IT’S JONATHAN! SHE MISTAKES HIM FOR ANOTHER INTERVIEWEE, WHEN, IN FACT, SHE’S FORGOTTEN THAT SHE ORDERED A PIZZA. JONATHAN ENTERS THE APARTMENT, WHICH, I GUESS IS ARTISTIC LICENSE COS I’VE NEVER SEEN A PIZZA MAN ENTER A STRANGER’S PAD, LET ALONE ENTER A STRANGER’S PAD AND SLICE THE PIZZA HIMSELF WITH A PIZZA CUTTER HE KEEPS SURREPTITIOUSLY WRAPPED IN HIS KHAKIS. JONATHAN SCHMOOZES WITH MAY, ASKING ABOUT THE ROOM AND ALL THAT SHIT. THEY HAVE AN EASY RAPPORT BECAUSE JONATHAN IS VERY NON-THREATENING AND MAY IS VERY NOT-ATTRACTED TO HIM. JONATHAN IS EVEN NICE TO HENRY, WHO’S KIND OF A BRAT. THE PIZZA JONATHAN CUTS LOOKS GROSS. LITTLE KNOWN FACT: IN THE 1980S, PIZZA, LIKE COFFEE, WAS MEDIOCRE AT BEST, ESPECIALLY ON THE WEST COAST. JONATHAN ASKS TO RENT THE ROOM. THEN WE GET TO KNOW HIM A LITTLE BETTER. HE DELIVERS PIZZAS AND IS CONSTANTLY SINGING THE HOOK TO A SONG THAT HASN’T BEEN WRITTEN YET, SUNG BOISTEROUSLY IN A SONDHEIM-LIKE FASHION.

MAY EXPLAINS TO HENRY THAT, GIVEN THE NATURE OF THE OTHER APPLICANTS, JONATHAN IS THE ONLY LOGICAL CHOICE FOR THE ROOM. THERE’S A LARGE POSTER OF AN ETCHING OF SOME BEARDED FELLOW. SHAKESPEARE? RAM DASS? HENRY VOICES HIS CONCERN. MAY’S RESPONSE IS ONE OF ASSURANCE:

“He’s not the kind of guy I’d do it with... he’s nice.”

A BEAT. MAY REALIZES WHAT SHE’S JUST SAID AND LAUGHS. I LOVE THAT.

MOVING DAY ARRIVES. JONATHAN SHOWS UP IN THE PIZZA WAGON WITH ALL HIS SHIT, MOSTLY BOOKS, RECORDS AND THE TYPE OF BRIC-A-BRAC FOUND AT YARD SALES AND THRIFT STORES. I SPY A COPY OF ENO’S ANOTHER GREEN WORLD LP, WHICH, IN 1984, MAKES JONATHAN PRETTY COOL… ALSO, FANS OF SUSAN DEY’S EARLIER WORK ON “THE PARTRIDGE FAMILY” MAY BE INTERESTED TO KNOW THAT UNDER THE ENO LIES A COPY OF THE PARTRIDGE FAMILY’S UP TO DATE record. HENRY GREETS JONATHAN WITH SOME PRE-PUBESCENT REBOP ABOUT “MAY SAYS I DON’T HAVE TO BE NICE TO YOU, SO LET ME BE THE FIRST TO TELL YOU I THINK THIS WHOLE SITUATION STINKS.”

“Do you always call your mother May, you little snot?” Jonathan doesn’t say the last part.

“Everyone calls her May.”

I LIKE THAT LINE A LOT. MY HAT’S OFF TO SCREENWRITER MICHAEL VENTURA, WHO I’D HAZARD TO GUESS PUT A LOT OF HIS OWN EXPERIENCES INTO THE SCRIPT, ESPECIALLY WITH REGARDS TO THE JONATHAN CHARACTER. VENTURA, AT THE TIME, WAS A FILM CRITIC FOR LA WEEKLY. I’VE SEEN PICTURES OF HIM, TOO. HE’S WEARING A PANAMA HAT IN ALL OF ‘EM. FOLLOWING ECHO PARK, VENTURA WROTE A COUPLE NOVELS THAT WERE WELL-RECEIVED CRITICALLY BUT DID NO BUSINESS. I IMAGINE HE WAS QUITE BITTER WHEN HE RETURNED TO NON-FICTION, SPAWNING ONE OF THE ALL-TIME MOST RIGHT-ON BOOK TITLES: WE’VE HAD A HUNDRED YEARS OF PSYCHOTHERAPY AND THE WORLD’S GETTING WORSE (1993).  ABSO-FUCKING-LUTELY. MAY ENLISTS AUGUST’S HELP. AUGUST AND JONATHAN MEET.

 “Pizzas are very unhealthy.”

“Yeah, but they’re aesthetic.”

I LIKE THAT LINE, TOO. BEEN TRYING TO FIGURE OUT WHAT IT MEANS FOR ALMOST TWENTY YEARS, THOUGH. GLORIA, A FOXY BLACK FRIEND OF MAY’S, SHOWS UP IN A DOO RAG WITH A COUPLE OF SIXERS. SHE AND MAY SPEND THE AFTERNOON RATING JONATHAN AND AUGUST’S BODIES, AS THE MEN CARRY JONATHAN’S SHIT INTO THE APARTMENT. ONCE ALL OF JONATHAN’S SHIT IS UNLOADED, THERE’S AN IMPROMPTU BARBEQUE IN THE BACKYARD. AGAIN, THE FOOD LOOKS GROSS, BUT I GUESS IT DOESN’T MATTER BECAUSE EVERYONE, SANS HENRY, IS BUZZED ON GLORIA’S BEER.

THE PARTY BREAKS UP. GLORIA GOES HOME. MAY PUTS HENRY TO BED, THEN SEDUCES AUGUST. IT’S A SLOPPY, UNROMANTIC YET UTTERLY REALISTIC SEDUCTION. AUGUST STRIPS DOWN TO HIS AMERICAN FLAG SPEEDOS IN THE HALL AND MAYS FALLS OVER LAUGHING. JONATHAN DISRUPTS THE FUN. AUGUST SHOOS HIM AWAY.

JONATHAN LISTENS TO MAY AND AUGUST FOOLING AROUND IN THE OTHER ROOM. LISTENING TO ROOMMATES FUCKING IS A RITE OF PASSAGE FOR LONELY-HEARTS EVERYWHERE; IF YOU’VE NEVER HAD THE PLEASURE, CONGRATS, YOU’RE AN ASSHOLE. JONATHAN GETS READY FOR BED. A 12” COPY OF UNDERRATED SST BAND ANGST’S FIRST E.P. IS VISIBLE IN THE BACKGROUND. MEANWHILE, MAY AND AUGUST GET IT ON. JONATHAN, NOW ON THE MURPHY, TRIES TO WRITE. THE MUSE ISN’T ANSWERING; UNFORTUNATELY, SHE’S FUCKING THE ADONIS NEXT DOOR.

MORNING. JONATHAN WAKES TO THE SOUND OF AUGUST PUMPING IRON. HE MISTAKES IT FOR SEXUAL INTERCOURSE AND BURIES HIS HEAD UNDER A PILLOW. MAY ENTERS JONATHAN’S ROOM WHIPPING PANCAKE BATTER IN A BOWL LIKE YOUR MOM USED TO. SATURDAYS, MAY EXPLAINS, SHE MAKES PANCAKES. WHEN JONATHAN REALIZES MAY ISN’T FUCKING AUGUST AT THAT VERY MOMENT, HE LAUGHS. TOM HULCE HAS A GREAT LAUGH. CAN ANYONE FORGET HIS AMADEUS? LAUGHTER’S HARD FOR ACTORS, I’VE BEEN TOLD. TOM HULCE IS A GOOD ACTOR. LATER, JONATHAN ENTERS VINNIE’S PIZZA SINGING “THAT’S AMORE!” IN HIS OFF-BROADWAY ALTO. VINNIE SMILES THAT CRAZY TIM CAREY SMILE.

“Just remember, kid, love is like a pizza.”

“Vinnie, you think everything’s like a pizza.”

“All that’s demanded of a philosophy is consistency, and consistency is commanded of a good pizza, too.”

THE ARTS DISTRICT. NIGHT. OUTSIDE THE AMERICAN HOTEL, NEIGHBOR AL’S BAR IS A-ROCKING. MAY SERVES BUDS TO A RUDE CLIENTELE, INCLUDING LA UNDERGROUND LEGEND TOP JIMMY AND A WOMAN MY DAD DATED YEARS LATER VIA NERVE.COM. AUGUST GIVES MAY HIS CONAN-INSPIRED 8x10 AND EXPOUNDS ON HIS PHILOSOPHY OF WEIGHT LIFTING. THE WOMAN HE’S TELLING IT TO IS THE ONE MY DAD DATED. 

THE NEXT DAY, THE TELEPHONE RINGS. MAY IS DOING HER HAIR. SHE ASKS JONATHAN TO ANSWER. HE’S WEARING A BRILLIANT RED POLO, MUCH LIKE THE ONE JOHN CASSAVETES WORE IN SCREENWRITER MICHAEL VENTURA’S PREVIOUS CREDIT, THE DOCUMENTARY I’M ALMOST NOT CRAZY. JONATHAN IS CONFUSED BY THE CALLER’S REQUEST, MISTAKING IT FOR AN OBSCENE PHONE CALL… WHICH, FOR YOU MILLENIALS, IS SOMETHING WOMEN (AND SOMETIMES MEN) WOULD RECEIVE ON THEIR LANDLINE PHONE DAYS BEFORE YOU WERE BORN. MAY IS LISTENING TO THIS EXCHANGE AND REALIZES THAT WHAT THE CALLER IS ASKING FOR ALLUDES TO THE AD SHE PLACED IN THE L.A. WEEKLY (“EXPERIENCED LEADING LADY AVAILABLE.”) SHE TEARS THE PHONE FROM JONATHAN AND LEARNS OF AN AUDITION. SHE TAKES THE CALLERS NUMBER DOWN ON HER WALL WITH A WRITING UTENCIL. THIS IS ALSO SOMETHING WE USED TO DO, KIDS!  

WHEN SHE HANGS UP THE PHONE, MAY IS QUIET. JONATHAN ASKS IF SHE’S OK. SHE’S FINE, SAYS, SHE’S JUST BEEN WAITING FOR THAT CALL SO LONG, AND IT’S JUST HAPPENED AND THAT’S KINDA HEAVY, MAN. JONATHAN TRIES TO CONSOLE HER. MAY WHIPS BACK INTO THE PRESENT AND SAYS SHE’S FINE.

GLORIA TAKES MAY TO HER AUDITION. HENRY PROTESTS MAY’S DECISION TO LEAVE HIM HOME WITH JONATHAN. MAY AND GLORIA DRIVE TO A SHADY LOOKING OFFICE BUILDING DOWNTOWN, THE STARKMAN BUILDING, A POPULAR LOCATION IN MOVIES AND COMMERCIALS. CHECK IT OUT IN THE MORNING AFTER WITH JANE FONDA.

“Have you heard of white slavery?!”

A SPOOKED GLORIA STAYS IN THE CAR.

AT MAY’S CASTING CALL, HUGO, A POCKMARKED, PRESUMABLY UNSUCCESSFUL ACTOR, EXPLAINS THE INS AND OUTS OF BEING A SINGING STRIPPER. MAY SAYS SOMETHING DUMB AND IS CALLED ON TO BE A VOLUNTEER IN ONE OF HUGO’S DEMONSTRATIONS OF WHAT TO DO WHEN PERFORMING A “TELEGRAM.” BASICALLY SHE IS INSTRUCTED IN HOW TO TAKE HER CLOTHES OFF TO A ROOM OF STRANGERS. YES, MAY’S BECOME A SINGING STRIPPER. MUCH LIKE THE TOPLESS MAID BUSINESS, THE SINGING TELEGRAM WAS A JOB THAT BECAME POPULAR IN THE 1970S AND 80s, AT THE HEIGHT OF SOCIAL/SEXUAL DECADENCE IN AMERICA. MEANWHILE, GLORIA IS GETTING MORE AND MORE IMPATIENT, FACED WITH THE ZOMBIES OF SKID ROW. GLORIA FINALLY ENTERS THE AUDITION ROOM WHILE MAY IS STARTING TO REMOVE HER CLOTHES AND TELLS HER TO STOP, SHE’S CALLED THE CAPS. LATER, MAY RECOUNTS THE STORY OF THE AUDITION TO HER ROOMMATES. HENRY ASKS MAY IF HE’LL STILL BE HER SON WHEN SHE’S RICH AND FAMOUS. THAT NIGHT, AUGUST WORKS OUT IN HIS APARTMENT LOUDLY, WEARING ONLY HIS AMERICAN FLAG SPEEDO, HOPING TO FLAG MAY’S ATTENTION FOR A BOOTY CALL. SHE READS A DOROTHY PARKER BOOK INSTEAD. AUGUST, STILL IN HIS SPEEDO, KNOCKS ON MAY’S DOOR WITH FLOWERS. SHE ACCEPTS THE FLOWERS AND SHUTS THE DOOR ON AUGUST. THE NEXT DAY, JONATHAN PICKS HENRY UP FROM SCHOOL. HE’S LATE AND HENRY’S IN HIS USUAL SHIT MOOD. JONATHAN TELLS HENRY HE’S FIGURED OUT WHAT’S WRONG WITH HIM: HENRY HATES HIS NAME. HE WILL CALL HIM HANK FROM NOW ON. THEY SPEND THE REST OF THE AFTERNOON RIDING AROUND, DELIVERING JONATHAN’S PIZZAS. HENRY APPEARS TO MELLOW OUT AND HAVE A GOOD TIME. THIS MONTAGE ALWAYS REMINDS ME OF WHEN I WAS HENRY’S AGE, A SIMILARLY MOODY KID, AND I’D GET TO HANG OUT WITH ONE OF MY MOM OR DAD’S WEIRD FRIENDS. IF THEY TREATED ME LIKE A PERSON, NOT A LITTLE KID, IT MADE ALL THE DIFFERENCE. LATER THAT NIGHT, JONATHAN ASKS MAY IF SHE BELIEVES BEING A STRIPPER WILL HAVE A POSITIVE EFFECT ON HENRY. MAY TELLS JONATHAN TO FUCK OFF.

AUGUST BRINGS A BURT REYNOLDS LOOK-ALIKE TO THE GYM, CATCHING CHEECH AND ELVIRA OFF GUARD. AUGUST FURTHER EXPLAINS HIS DUMB PHILOSOPHY ON TRANSMITTING ENERGY THROUGH “STAR POWER.” CHEECH AND ELVIRA DON’T BUY IT. MAY GETS HER FIRST SINGING ASSIGNMENT, ENTERTAINING AT A LOFT PARTY IN DOWNTOWN LA. SHE SHARES A FREIGHT ELEVATOR WITH A WEIRD LOOKING ARTIST-TYPE. SHE SINGS “HAPPY BIRTHDAY” TO SOME FUCKHEAD AND STRIPS. THE BIRTHDAY CAKE IS SHAPED LIKE AN ASS. MAY IS CLEARLY UNCOMFORTABLE TAKING HER CLOTHES OFF. JUST BEFORE SHE POPS HER TOP, ONE OF THE PARTY GUESTS TELLS THE BIRTHDAY BOY TO TAKE A BIG BITE OUT OF HIS ASS CAKE. MAY SUDDENLY STOPS STRIPPING AND RUNS OUT OF THE PARTY. SHE RETURNS TO HUGO’S OFFICE. HE’S WEARING A BATHROBE, SMOKING A FIVE-CENT CIGAR AND WATCHING A SOAP OPERA ON TELEVISION. MAY TELLS HUGO SHE CAN’T TAKE THE JOB, SHE’S JUST NOT CUT OUT FOR STRIPPING. HUGO GIVES HER A SPIEL ABOUT HOW STRIPPING, ER, ENTERTAINING IS ALL ABOUT EMBARRASSING THE AUDIENCE, NOT YOURSELF. MAY DECIDES TO GIVE IT ANOTHER SHOT. SHE PRACTICES AT HOME FOR AUGUST AND JONATHAN. JONATHAN’S DRINKING JACK DANIELS. HE’S TURNED OFF BY THE PERFORMANCE. THIS CLEARLY ISN’T THE MAY HE DESIRES.

JONATHAN DELIVERS SOME PIZZA TO A RECORDING SESSION. AFTER HE GETS PAID, ALL THE MUSICIANS ARE JUST SITTING AROUND EATING AND JONATHAN STARTS NOODLING ON A YAMAHA DX-7 KEYBOARD. HE BUSTS OUT HIS WORK-IN-PROGRESS. THE RECORDING ENGINEER LIKES WHAT HE HEARS. ONE OF THE MUSICIANS DROPS HIS SLICE OF PIZZA AND ACCOMPANIES JONATHAN ON GUITAR. JONATHAN IS TAKEN ABACK. HIS LITTLE SONG IS GROWING SOME LEGS. BUT IT’S NOT FINISHED. HE SKIRTS AWAY.

 “Hey, guy, where you going?” says the engineer.

“Work.”

I LIKE ECHO PARK BECAUSE IT’S ABOUT PEOPLE WHO VALUE WORK, AND ACTUALLY DO IT FOR A LIVING. HAVE I ALREADY SAID THAT? SO JONATHAN DELIVERS PIZZA TO A HOUSE FULL OF BIKERS. ONE OF THE BIKERS EXPLAINS HE’S ONLY ORDERED A PIZZA SO “SOME SAPPY FUCK WOULD COME KNOCKING ON OUR DOOR.” THE BIKERS FUCK WITH JONATHAN, WHO ACCIDENTALLY KNOCKS ONE OF THEIR HOGS OVER. A WORD TO THE WISE: DON’T EVER KNOCK OVER ANOTHER MAN’S MOTORBIKE!!! I DID IT ONCE IN HOLLYWOOD TO A NON-BIKER GANG MOTORIST WHO LOOKED LIKE BRAD DOURIF. BOY, DID HE GET HOT! IT’S TAKEN AS AN EXTREME SIGN OF DISRESPECT! THE BIKERS ATTACK JONATHAN. HE GETS AWAY BY THE SKIN OF HIS TEETH, FLOORING THE WAGON DOWN A GNARLY ECHO PARK HILL WITH A BLOODY LIP.

MAY DELIVERS A SINGING TELEGRAM TO A GUY IN THE HOSPITAL. SHE’S DRESSED LIKE A WET NURSE. SO BEGINS A MONTAGE OF MAY’S GIGS. SHE’S BECOMING A PRO.

AUGUST AND A BUNCH OF HIS BUDS FROM THE GYM ACCOMPANY JONATHAN BACK TO THE BIKER CLUBHOUSE. ELVIRA KNOCKS ON THE DOOR AND THE BIKER WHO ANSWERS GETS SMACKED IN THE FACE WITH A HOT PIZZA. OUCH! AUGUST SAYS SOMETHING CONDESCENDING TO THE BIKER IN GERMAN. A BUNCH OF HIS WEIGHT-LIFTING BROTHERS KNOW THAT’S THE CUE TO CARRY THE GUY AWAY TO MEET HIS STUPID FATE. JONATHAN PROMISES EVERYONE FREE PIZZA, INDEFINITELY. THE EXPERIENCE BRINGS JONATHAN AND AUGUST CLOSER.

LATER, MAY COMES HOME FROM A STRIPPING GIG AND SEE’S JONATHAN’S BRUISED FACE. HE’S PRETENDING TO WRITE IN HIS JOURNAL. HE SAYS HE’S FINE.

“I’m sorry i missed the oldest question in la, but what do you really do?” She asks him.

“I deliver pizzas.”

ANOTHER GREAT LINE. HERE’S ONE BETTER, COURTESY OF JONATHAN, AND ARGUABLY THE THEME OF THE FILM:

“I am so sick of all of the people in this town who are poets or screenwriters or actresses, when we’re all really just delivering pizzas, every last one of us. What did you do tonight, May, but deliver a pizza?”

MAY DISAGREES. YES, WE’RE ALL DELIVERING PIZZAS, BUT THAT DOESN’T TAKE AWAY FROM THE FACT THAT WE’RE REALLY WORKING TOWARDS BIGGER AND BETTER THINGS. THE WAITER. THE BANKER. THE REHAB DRIVER. MAYBE. OR ARE WE JUST DREAMERS DREAMING?

AUGUST LANDS A COMMERCIAL FOR AN UNDERARM DEODORANT. HE GETS TO WALK AROUND IN CONAN GARB ALL DAY AND SLAY A GREEN PLASTIC DRAGON, FURTHER FEEDING HIS DELUSION OF BEING THE NEXT SCHWARZENEGAR. MAY, JONATHAN AND HENRY VISIT THE SET.

JONATHAN MAKES DINNER WITH HENRY. MAY ENTERS THE KITCHEN IN A RIDICULOUS BOUFFANT WIG, ON HER WAY TO A GIG. SHE CATCHES JONATHAN CALLING HER SON “HANK” AND OBSERVES HENRY RESPONDING TO IT. SOON, SHE’S CALLING HIM HANK TOO. 

JONATHAN DRIVES “HANK” ACROSS THE 6TH STREET BRIDGE (R.I.P.) AT TWILIGHT. THE PIZZA TRUCK IS ALL LIT UP. THIS IS A GOOD MOVIE. AUGUST COMES OVER TO MAY’S WITH CAKE TO CELEBRATE THE PREMIERE OF HIS TELEVISION COMMERCIAL. NO ONE’S HOME. AUGUST WATCHES HIS COMMERCIAL AIR ON TV BY HIMSELF. NOW HE’S DEPRESSED. MAY RUSHES OVER TO AUGUST’S APARTMENT. BY NOW, HE’S DRUNK AND SAD. HE GIVES HER THE CAKE TO GIVE TO HANK. THE NEXT DAY, EVERYONE GOES TO THE BEACH. JONATHAN IS DRESSED IN ALL WHITE. AUGUST GETS OFFICIALLY REJECTED BY MAY. HE DOESN’T UNDERSTAND WHY SHE’S NOT “HIS DARLING”, NOT ANYONE’S. AUGUST, PISSED, ASKS JONATHAN IF HE’S A FAG. JONATHAN SAYS SOMETHING OBLIQUE LIKE “I WAIT.” MAY TELLS AUGUST TO APOLOGIZE. EVERYONE CONTINUES HAVING A GREAT DAY AT THE BEACH.

“I’m so happy right now,” May muses. “If only there was no money… if only there was no sex.”

AUGUST CRASHES AN EVENT FOR ARNOLD SCHWARZENEGAR AT THE AUSTRIAN CONSULATE. AUGUST WANTS TO MEET SCHWARZENEGAR, TO BRING HIM ON BOARD FOR HIS “STAR ENERGY” PROJECT. HE GETS 86ed FROM THE PARTY. MAY ARRIVES AT THE PARADISE MOTEL FOR A GIG. LITERATURE FANS MAY RECALL THIS SPOT FROM ANTHONY KEIDIS’ MEMOIR SCAR TISSUE AS ONE OF THE PLACES THE AUTHOR RELAPSED ON HEROIN AND WAS MAGICALLY REUNITED WITH HIS LOVING BANDMATES, WITH THE SUPPORT OF THEIR FRIEND AND “JUNKIE WHISPERER” BOB FORREST. NO? OK, MAY’S DRESSED UP IN A BRIDAL VEIL. THERE’S NO ONE IN THE ROOM WHEN SHE GETS THERE. A NOTE INSTRUCTS HER TO START STRIPPING. JONATHAN ENTERS FROM THE BATHROOM WEARING A CHEAP TUX. HE SMILES THAT CRAZY, LAZY EYED AMADEUS SMILE OF HIS. MAY IS STARTLED, THEN ANGRY. SHE ATTACKS JONATHAN, TAUNTING HIM WITH HER BODY, EXPOSING HERSELF; HE RECOILS LIKE A 19th CENTURY SYPHILITIC POET. IT’S HIS BIRTHDAY. HE TELLS HER HE LOVES HER. SHE TAKES A SWIG OF CHAMPAGNE AND SAYS “WHERE ARE MY CIGARETTES?” THAT PART OF HER LIFE IS COMPLICATED. SHE’D RATHER NOT. THEY GO OUTSIDE. THERE’S A SAD LITTLE CARNIVAL GOING ON NEXT TO THE MOTEL. IT’S JUST ANOTHER NIGHT IN ECHO PARK!

THE DAY AFTER THE SCHWARZENEGAR FIASCO, AUGUST GOES TO WORK IN A WEIRD MOOD. HE’S BROUGHT SHITLOADS OF POSTERS OF HIMSELF DRESSED AS THE DEODORANT VIKING. HE SETS A VIBRATOR DOWN ON ELVIRA’S DESK AND TELLS CHEECH THAT IT’S TIME TO GO INTO BUSINESS TOGETHER. CHEECH SAYS NO. AUGUST DESTROYS THE OFFICE.

AUGUST IS ARRESTED. THE COPS TELL HIM THEY’VE NOTIFIED HIS FATHER BACK IN AUSTRIA THAT AUGUST DESTROYS GYMS WHEN HE GETS MAD. BEHIND THE BARS, SOME MUSCLEHEADS FROM CENTRAL CASTING GIVE AUGUST TROUBLE. MAY, JONATHAN AND HANK MEET HUGO AT THE BAIL BONDSMAN’S OFFICE, ASSUMING HE’LL KNOW SOMETHING ABOUT HOW TO GET AUGUST OUT OF JAIL. THEY GO TO A CROWDED POLICE STATION THAT’S STRAIGHT OUT OF A JOSEPH WIMBAUGH BOOK. ONE OF THE PERPS LOOKS A LOT LIKE RICHARD RAMIREZ, SPORTING THE SAME MIRRORED AVIATORS. NATURALLY, THE NIGHT STALKER LOOK-ALIKE SCARES THE SHIT OUT OF HANK. THE COPS SPRING AUGUST.

WHEN EVERYONE RETURNS TO THE HOUSE, AUGUST ASKS MAY TO STAY WITH HIM FOR THE NIGHT. SHE SAYS SHE CANT, SHE NEEDS TO MAKE SURE HER SON ISN’T TOO TRAUMATIZED FROM HIS TRIP TO THE CLINK. JONATHAN AGREES TO STAY UP WITH AUGUST. THEY WATCH THE FIRST AIRING OF AUGUST’S DEODORANT COMMERCIAL AND LAUGH. HARD.

A MYSTERIOUS OLD MAN LANDS AT LOS ANGELES INTERNATIONAL AIRPORT [LAX]. THIS IS AUGUST’S FATHER. HE TAKES A CAB TO “ECHO AND PARK, IF YOU PLEASE.”

MAY GOES TO A GIG AT A RICH PERSON’S HOUSE. UNBEKNOWNST TO HER, JONATHAN IS DELIVERING PIZZAS TO THE SAME PARTY. HE HAS HANK WITH HIM. HANK LOOKS IN ON THE PARTY AND SEES HIS MOTHER STRIPPING AND BEING GROPED BY SOME DRUNK ASSHOLE. MAY SEES HANK SEEING HER. JONATHAN PUNCHES THE GROPER. HANK MAKES A RUN FOR IT. MAY AND JONATHAN CHASE AFTER HANK.

HANK DARTS DOWN ALLEYS AND CRIME-RIDDEN BACKSTREETS, RUNNING FROM THE SHAME THAT WILL LIKELY CONSUME HIM AS AN ADULT. IF HE’S LUCKY, ONE DAY HE’LL GET TO TELL A THERAPIST ALL ABOUT IT AND HE/SHE WILL AGREE THAT HANK WAS EXPOSED TO TOO MUCH AS A CHILD. JONATHAN LOSES HIS SHIRT, PRESUMABLY TO GIVE TO MAY, WHO’S CHASING AFTER HER SON IN A NEGLIGEE. AT A QUIET SPOT IN THE FOOTHILLS OF ECHO PARK, MAY AND JONATHAN CATCH A BREATHER. MAY VOICES HER OWN SHAME, THE REGRET OF RAISING HER SON HAPHAZARDLY. SUDDENLY HANK APPEARS, EMERGING FROM THE WILD. MAY AND HANK EMBRACE. JONATHAN EMBRACES THEM BOTH. THEY ARE A FAMILY.

MAY, JONATHAN AND HANK RETURN TO THE HOUSE. GLORIA IS WAITING THERE WITH AUGUST. EVERYONE’S STOKED TO SEE EVERYONE BACK IN ONE PIECE. THEN HUGO SHOWS UP. HE TELLS MAY SHE’S LANDED AN AUDITION FOR A COMMERCIAL. WHADDUYA KNOW, THE GUY WHO’S PARTY SHE JUST BAILED ON PRODUCES FUCKING COMMERCIALS. ONLY IN L.A., BABY! THIS IS MAY’S FIRST REAL BREAK! FINALLY, AUGUST’S DAD ENTERS.

“Papa, what are you doing in America?!”

“What are YOU doing in America?”

DEJA VU? NAH, IT’S JUST ANOTHER NIGHT IN ECHO PARK.

ROLL CREDITS.