#astrologicalshade

This week’s forecast: Cloudy with a side of ketchup.

VIRGO/BEYONCÉ (August 23 – September 22)

Oh, gurl. Get ready to struggle, bitch. Think of it like trying to get through thick weeds. You know there’s a clearing on the other side, but you don’t even have the slightest clue where you iz right now. The more you think about what’s outside your wall of thorny weeds, the less you’re thinking about your current predicament. You’ll need to temporarily set aside your hopes for the future and pay attention to what’s right in front of yo ass. =====

LIBBY JUJU (September 23 – October 22)

You’re tired AF and bitches wanna hang. On a regular day, you’d feel comfortable saying no. But things are different right now. The queens asking for your time are quite powerful and can move you up to the next level in your career, if you act right and play the game. You can always rest next week. For now, really amplify the charm and show them what a LIBRA is made out of. =====

SCORPIES (October 23 – November 21)

Something has been grating on you for months and months now, and you’re finally ready to turn your focus on that shit. You’re a lucky ho, because the universe is paving the way for you to act on this persistent, nagging issue and you can finally get it out of your system. It’s time to hunker down, dig into your heels and get to WERQ. There ain’t no turning back now, queen. =====

SAGITTICARIUS (November 22 – December 21)

You’re the one bitch I know whose heart is more open than your legs (well, on Thursdays at least). This week, I urge you to widen up another part of your body: your brain. You’ll need to expand that motherfucker because a lot of knowledge -- so much knowledge -- is about to befall yo ass. This is really the time to absorb everything you can get out of life. Gurl. It’s time to get learnt. =====

CAPRICORN-ON-THE-COB (December 22 – January 19)

We all know that you’re a ruthless, relentless career bitch. How about applying all that you’ve learned in that lipstick jungle of life and channelling it into other facets of your life? You’ve been complaining about the lack of romance in your vicinity and let me tell you. It ain’t gonn come visit if you don’t invite that shit. Put a bit of effort into making it happen for yourself. You’re a go-getter, right? Go get some ass. =====

AQUEERIUS (January 20 – February 18)

This week, your ability to be a team player will be put into question. It’s not that you don’t wanna play with anybody, it’s just that your ideas are so radical and out of the box that you’re afeard that no one’s gonna take you seriously. I know that you’re used to certain looks from your constituents whenever you express your thoughts. Maybe it would help to start delving into the root of why other queens feel that way, so you can make adjustments to the way you convey your ideas. Sometimes, bitches be dumb and need you to spell shit out for them. =====

PI-SHEESH (February 19 – March 20)

There’s shit you can put off and shit you have to deal with immediately. Relationship stuff falls in the latter. Whether it’s a friendship, a relationship or a FWB situation, it needs your utmost attention now. Any partnership is a foundation, and the more sturdy the pairing, the stronger anchor you’ll have to ground yo ass while you deal with other clusterfucks in your life. =====

ARIES IS BURNING (March 21 – April 19)

Oh, bitch. You just lovvve them shiny objects, don’t you? So much so that you get a bit manic whenever too much shiny shit is surrounding yo ass. This is gonna sound cheesy, but I think it’s time for you to start recognizing the shine that exists within you. The more you pay attention to your glowy insides, the less dependence you’ll have on exterior disingenuous glitter. =====

TAURY SPELLING (April 20 – May 20)

Speaking your truth is not an alien concept to you. You would rather let it all hang out rather than keep it all in. The thought of pretense is just exhausting to you and you’re the one zodiac sign who don’t like to sweat. I think it’s totally fine to be truthful. Just make sure that when you’re expressing your truth, you’re not airing others’ dirty laundry. Some bitches are sensitive about that shit (looking atchu, LEOs). =====

GEM IS EXCITEMENT (May 21 – June 21)

Oftentimes, your instincts are on point and you are able to go through life just reacting to things and hoping that the chips will fall your way -- they usually do, let’s face it. But when the opposite happens and you don’t get what you want -- such as this week -- it sucks, but it forces you to sit back and employ a little bit of what VIRGOs call, “strategy,” in order to help you deal with (and hopefully get out of) your grimy situation. No worries, tho. This shitshow -- only for a limited time! =====

KUH-KUH-KUH-CANCER (June 22 – July 22)

Whenever you’re in a networking-type situation, it is not vital that you meet and impress errbody at the event. That takes a lot of effort with very little reward. First, you must always talk to whoever organized that shit. Second, all you need is one, two, or three key bitches to make an impression on. The earliest you can get that shit done, the quicker you can enjoy yourself. Remember fun? =====

LEO MCQUEEN (July 23 – August 22)

Things are fucking hard right now, okay? I sooo get that. Instead of bitching and complaining about it, tho - I encourage you to embrace that struggle. Accept in your heart of hearts that this week, you’re just gonna be squirming all the way to Friday. Hey, at the very least, you can take solace in the thought that your core will be engaged throughout. Hello, absies! =====

(DISCLAIMER for all entries: This is all a shitshow!)