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@hopelessnights
Hanging out with people who were not grown with the same values as me really makes me appreciate the traits my religion and parents have instilled in me.
Some of the people I work with are truly showing me the beauty of having good character, by helping me realize what fake corporate bull shit looks like.
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I feel like I'm not good enough for anyone.
My family is never impressed with anything I do. They can't understand why I want to work in a field that makes no money. They're worried about how I'll support myself if I ever have to be on my own. I feel like I'm not religious enough to fit in completely with my family, but I'm also not less religious enough to fit in with my friends. I can't seem to find a boy that is on the same level as me when it comes to religion, everyone is either more religious or less religious. And the guys that are on the same level don't seem to want me. I just feel like I'm not good enough for anything.
I'm sad.
I'm trying to be someone I'm not. My heart and soul feel so uncomfortable.
I wish I didn't have to try so hard.
So much fucking rejection that I don't even care anymore.
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Why do I run away from any type of closeness with someone?
Even my best friend doesn't know the half of it.
Why can't I just tell people shit without it being a big deal for me?
I feel like Allah is telling me not to get attached to people by showing me that everyone can come and go.
- What a peaceful day -
by Pedro Gabriel
Sometimes I'm really sad and I don't know why.
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I feel like everyone is moving on with life and I'm falling behind.
I feel like I'm constantly going back and forth between trying to figure out if I'm saying something because I want attention or because I mean it. I don't think I'm someone who does things for attention, but I'm always scared that other people will think that. I feel like I'm always complaining on my Tumblr but that's literally only because it's the one place I can be honest. I suck at talking about my feelings in person, and I don't wanna do it on any other social media platform because it's too public. Tumblr is the only option cuz no one uses this thing anymore.
I don't want to be dramatic either but it's honestly how my mind works. I always go to the worst possible scenario in my mind. I'm such a realist sometimes it annoys me so much. I wish I could just be an ignorant optimist who's always happy and thinking the best of everything.
I feel as if I've become this person that I do not like nor respect. I feel very ugly on the inside and I think it's because I was so bitter about how my life seemed to be turning out.
I used to be a better person, I used to be way more connected to God. I've realized that when I'm not connected to God I feel like an ugly person. I never used to gossip or talk behind people's backs or lie or tell people's secrets. I want to go back to being that person. I've been making a conscious and concrete effort to change. I hope it sticks and I hope I stop hating myself because of it.
The main thing I've noticed is that I'm happy for other people again. Just like genuine happiness for their happiness and I love that. It feels so freaking good to be happy for someone else and not harbor any resentment or bitterness for their happiness. It's a step in the right direction for me.
I don't know when I started equating my self worth with whether or not someone wants to marry me. But whenever I did, I think that's when I started hating myself. It's stupid, I know, and makes no sense and isn't true at all. It's something that I need to stop thinking and get out of that mind set. I'm hoping it'll come with my effort to be a better person and go back to how I used to be.
Also, I find it so weird that I can be so open and honest when I write down my feelings here, but in person it's so difficult for me to say anything.
My mind has been a chaotic mess lately. I keep going back and forth about trying to figure out if I should see my doctor about something. I think I need to get diagnosed officially to accept it. But idk. Is it even real. Am I over thinking it. Idk.
Life.
“I suffer because of myself. It is my own soul all the time that is bothering me.”
— Henry Miller, from a letter to Anaïs Nin featured in A Literate Passion: Letters Of Anaïs Nin & Henry Miller (1932 - 1953
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They don’t deserve u, stay busy.
The first patient's consent I ever attended at work just passed away and I didn't think I'd be this upset about it but I am.
She was so young. And her parents were so young. And now she's gone. At least they got one extra year with her because of the therapy, but still. I don't think I can really say more cuz of HIPPA. :/
Subhanallah.
