I feel as if I've become this person that I do not like nor respect. I feel very ugly on the inside and I think it's because I was so bitter about how my life seemed to be turning out.
I used to be a better person, I used to be way more connected to God. I've realized that when I'm not connected to God I feel like an ugly person. I never used to gossip or talk behind people's backs or lie or tell people's secrets. I want to go back to being that person. I've been making a conscious and concrete effort to change. I hope it sticks and I hope I stop hating myself because of it.
The main thing I've noticed is that I'm happy for other people again. Just like genuine happiness for their happiness and I love that. It feels so freaking good to be happy for someone else and not harbor any resentment or bitterness for their happiness. It's a step in the right direction for me.
I don't know when I started equating my self worth with whether or not someone wants to marry me. But whenever I did, I think that's when I started hating myself. It's stupid, I know, and makes no sense and isn't true at all. It's something that I need to stop thinking and get out of that mind set. I'm hoping it'll come with my effort to be a better person and go back to how I used to be.
Also, I find it so weird that I can be so open and honest when I write down my feelings here, but in person it's so difficult for me to say anything.
My mind has been a chaotic mess lately. I keep going back and forth about trying to figure out if I should see my doctor about something. I think I need to get diagnosed officially to accept it. But idk. Is it even real. Am I over thinking it. Idk.