A piece of me.

Whatever it is I feel, it's hurts a lot. I'm struggling so much and it makes me feel really pathetic. Everything I did I made sure it fit you, I made you a priority and I was not one. That is definitely my fault, but it doesn't make me feel any less pathetic. We had this life, and you got to keep it all, you didn't loose a thing. I lost a home, a car, a little family (you,cat,dog). I have nothing and I'm struggling and don't know who to turn to or what to do. I have to start completely over, find a better paying job to survive by myself. How sad is that? I wasn't prepared for anything, because I didn't see it coming, but I think what hurts me the most is not that it's over, or that your doing better than me and without me, but it's that you don't care. I understand it's over, but we were always "a team", and even then if you did loose your love for me I would still think that you cared, but no that's not the case. We are 2 different people and I guess because if roles were reversed I know I would be there, because you were once someone I truly loved and cared for. I don't know what your going through or if you are even going through anything, all I see is someone who well doesn't care and is happy, and I should be happy for that, but I'm not there yet. Your not someone I can just forget about that easily or just stop worrying about or even someone I can pretend to not care about. And what's even more dumb is that knowing / or at least thinking you don't care should make me realize you aren't worth the tears. But here I am just crying. Because I've always felt like I was a good person, but here I am at my lowest of lows about to hit my breaking point. Am I crying because I miss you? Is it because I'm experiencing one of the most difficult times of my life? Is it because I'm jealous of you? Is it because I feel like I deserve to be happy and doing okay? Is it because I feel like a complete looser? Is it because I'm worried about the future? Is it because I don't know how to pick myself back up ? Is it because I feel more alone than ever? Is it because apart of me wants to hate you? Maybe it's just everything hitting me at once. I want to be okay, I don't want to struggle, I don't think it's fair that I'm in this position and your in that, but then again I'm a wreck, I don't want to hate you, but I also don't want to love you anymore either. I want to feel a sense of relief knowing your okay, but I also want to feel that with myself first. In this moment I am completely broken.

Maybe it's just me, but I find it kind of annoying when I see someone use the hashtag "fatgirlproblems", especially if you are in no way fat, big, thick, etc. The hashtag is mainly used to describe someones eating habits, ( or what they are eating at the time of said hashtag), which makes it seem like all big girls eat a lot, or eat unhealthy when they don't. How odd would it be if I used the hashtag "skinny girl problems" there is no way that would go unnoticed, people would be talking left and right about how I ain't skinny and don't know what it's like. Real fat girl problems : 1. When people tell you, “You’re not fat, you’re beautiful/thick" 2. Chub Rub is the enemy 3. Squeezing by people gives you anxiety. 4. When you say you don’t like being cat called, people say you should be flattered 5. Your clothes cost more than “straight sizes" 6. You get judged if you’re eating too much and judged if you’re eating too little. 7. Going shopping with smaller friends and only trying on jewelry and shoes. 8. Doctors are always disappointed that you’re overweight, when your there for an ear infection. 9. People think it’s either inspiring or pathetic when you exercise. 10. Everyone feels entitled to their opinion on your body and doesn’t mind sharing it with you. Don't take it personal, it's just a vent. If you haven't experienced at least one of these then do you really know what it's like to have " fat girl problems", because I definitely do.