BITTERSWEET.

she claimed it was just a wellness check. that she just wanted to catch up and know how you're doing.

"can't i check up on my daughter?" she asked one time, offended when you pointed out the unsual amount of call logs that have been piling up, all labelled "mom 💖".

you knew this would be her reaction, and it was exactly why you dreaded having to admit the break up to her in the first place. maybe that, or the fact that doing so would make it real — it would make the separation permanent.

so you put it off for a week, and then another, and another one.

and when your heart learned how to form itself around the knife lodged deep in your chest, when you got used to its existence there, you figured it was time to break her the news.

you phoned your mom who, in turn, told the rest of your family.

it was no question all of them loved heeseung to bits. it was hard not to.

the first christmas you brought him home, your dad immediately gave you an approving nod as if to acknowledge the good choice you made. and the moment you let your little brother know heeseung played video games too? oh, he was a goner for your then-boyfriend too.

it's now been a month since that awkward facetime call with your family and your mother still wouldn't let up.

she called regularly to make small talk. she asked about your day, about the going ons in university, about the puppy you've been eyeing to foster. call it a daughter's instinct, but you knew what she was really doing. with each question, she was gauging how you were coping with the loss of the man you once claimed was the love of your life.

"i'm sorry, Y/N-ah. i'm just… worried. it must be tough being alone there." you heard her say through the crackle of your phone's speaker, the sound of the dishwasher running accompanying her careful tone.

you didn't miss the way she paused a little before the word 'alone', like she was scared the implication might be a little too straightforward.

you chuckled mirthfully. if she saw your state right now, her worries would be validated instantly.

you were alone. in day old pajamas, hair a mess, eyes partially swollen from the sad k-drama you watched just to feel sadness that wasn't yours. all that while curled up in your bed in a fetal position as if to protect your body from any more hurt that could come.

she had every reason to be worried, but you couldn't let her know that.

"and i'm telling you you don't have to be! i'm okay, i swear. i've been okay," you forced a smile that she wouldn't see like it would make your words more honest. "i'm actually going to go out with yunjin and the girls so i'll call you back in a bit, okay?"

lies, one on top of another.

"i love you too.." your mom trailed off, voice unsure. "have fun. and i love you."

"love you too, mom!" you mustered in the most cheerful voice you could before hanging up.

a deep-seated sigh erupted from your chest. it's a friday night after exams, for gods' sake. your peers were out drinking themselves stupid, engaging in situations they're bound to forget the next day and yet here you were in bed, tapping through their instagram stories like you could vicariously live through each fifteen second clips.

the phone casted harsh shadows on your face as you tapped, and tapped, and tapped away.

then, you held your thumb to it, putting the screen on pause.

beomgyu uploaded a story just half an hour ago. a bright smiling face of him with the rest of your friends, shot glasses full of clear liquor in their hands.

on the back, you could clearly see a familiar smile—the lazy kind that he always used whenever he got forced into taking a group photo.

you believed that, with time, you'd gotten accustomed to the worn down ache in your chest. you forced your heart to rebuild itself, after all. muscles and tissue formed around the sharp blade with nothing else pride and tenacity to protect it.

but seeing him again, even just through a screen, felt like someone had just pulled the knife out only to stab it in again and twisting it for good measure.

it was the first time you'd seen him after the breakup.

you barely crossed paths in university anymore, and with all the responsibilities and extra-curriculars you had going on, you didn't really have time to camp on the app just for a quick peek of him through your mutuals' stories or posts.

and you're glad you didn't, because seeing him be so carefree, so… normal brought you so much physical pain you had to let go of your phone to press on your chest with a pained whimper.

you and heeseung initially didn't like each other.

when your high school acquaintance, sunghoon, introduced you to heeseung and the rest of his friends at at a house gathering, you thought of him as nothing more than a sleazy nobody—just someone you'd need to put a polite mask on for whenever your friends were around simply because he was their friend too.

and heeseung, immediately seeing through it, smirked.

a pretentious snob who rode the highest horse she saw all while pretending it didn't kill her having to interact with lowly frat boys? it was nothing new to him.

you were an eyecandy though—yeah, he'd give you that. but like most eyecandies, you were better experienced from afar. especially when his friends constantly gushed to him about you, too dumb to see all the bitterness you had in your heart below your sweet facade.

so for that party and the following months, you avoided each other. you both intentionally turned down invitation to parties when you knew the other would be there, or simply act like the other didn't exist if your friends were annoying enough to gather the whole group in an outing.

that was the norm until a chance meeting on a late friday evening.

heeseung slipped on a tall bar chair, chuckling when the owner remarked something about his consistent attendance. his usual glass got served and just as he was about to call on the him for a chaser, his eyes fell on you.

seated at a booth. alone.

you were dressed to impress with your short maroon dress, hair curled and flowing to one side of your exposed decollatage save for the ones hanging over your face—the ones that failed to cover your empty eyes as it burned through your half-empty glass of wine.

you looked small and frail clutching on your purse. nothing like the pompuous bitch who refused to even acknowledge his presence whenever he raised a hand to wave at you in the hallways.

every now and then, you'd tap on your phone to check the time. people would pass by and you'd fix your posture, disappointed creases on your forehead smoothening out as you forced yourself to look composed, to look like you sat there in your lonesome with intention.

every bone in his body told him it would be a terrible idea to engage, but his feet carried him before his frontal lobe could fully conlude the decision.

heeseung slumped across you on the other end of the booth, the velvet lining of the couch rustling against his denim jacket. "you ought to turn that frown upside down, missy. they might think your date ditched you or something."

you looked up, expecting it to be the guy your friend recommended. you were ready to lay it on him, profanities lined up from your chest all the way to the tip of your tongue, but the words got caught in your throat when you saw heeseung wearing that usual, ever-annoying cocky grin of his.

he only grinned wider at the shock you wore, snorting when it quickly turned into an irritated glare. "huh. so you did get ditched. didn't think i'd see the day someone would stand up the Y/N."

"it's none of your business."

"it kind of is. i was ready to have a good time with my whiskey but your loner ass is dampening up the mood of the place. you could have at least ordered fries or salad or something, make your self-date look a little more convincing and a little less… pathetic."

you clutched on your purse a little tighter. "are you so used to having someone hanging on your arm that you can't stand the sight of someone being happily alone? and for the record, i was going to order. until you interrupted me, that is."

"happily alone? really now?" heeseung raised an eyebrow. "is that why you've been anxiously checking the time? why you've been staring at the entrance like your fairytale prince's finally going to be the one the step in next?"

he could tell you wanted nothing more than to leave, but leaving alone meant admitting that you, in fact, got ditched. and getting ditched meant someone had the audacity to turn you down. and that, other than terribly bruising your pride, meant heeseung would see you in the same light as the other girls he probably ditches himself.

and you'd rather get run over by a fourteen wheeler, because that would be less embarrassing than him equating you to his silly little flings.

so you sat there, crossing your arms over your chest like a shield against his presence. "shut up and go be annoying somewhere else, heeseung."

he put his interlocked hands on top of the table, leaning forward with a smile. "tell you what, princess. let's make a deal."

your eye twitched at the nickname. but you apparently had all the time in the world, and your mood was too fucked up to even fight him more, so you shrugged. "i might entertain it as long as it's not stupid, so shoot."

"let me be your date tonight."

you raised your eyebrow and heeseung stared back, clearing his throat when you refused to reply. "you pay for the food, i pay with my presence."

you snorted. "you really are a piece of work, lee. do you really think your presence is anything worth paying for?"

heeseung just hummed. "i'm just saying… i can get my stomach filled with food, and you'll walk out of here with your reputation still spotless."

"sounds like a losing deal."

"think about it, Y/N. no snark, no sarcasm. just you, and me, and food, and pretending you weren't waiting for a man for nearly an hour—and if he hits you up after this then you can say you didn't even remember him because you spent the night with a tall, handsome guy who's so much better giving you a good time."

you hate the fact that his idea was actually not as dumb as you thought it'd be. you hate that it made you giggle. you hate that he took kindly to your laughter, like he just unlocked some sort of hidden achievement in those dumb video games he loved playing so much.

the deal was sealed with a warm handshake.

the mostly empty table quickly got crowded with different snacks, various shaped glasses of cocktails and beers. as agreed upon, you didn't glare at heeseung, not even once. it was hard to when he kept making you laugh every other minute because he heard it once and wanted to keep hearing it.

you tried to keep the date prim and proper by poking at your wings with a fork and knife but he urged that you had no one to impress—certainly not him.

"eat wings with our natural tools, just as god intended." heeseung said, nudging your heels under the table. you chuckled and ate it with your fingers.

he smiled, a soft one, eyes lingering on your buffalo-sauce stained lips while pushing the napkins towards you just in case.

you talked about the classes you had, got a giggle out of discovering your shared dislike of a certain professor and laughed. you nudged each other's feet under the wide table, tried each other's drinks, talked of your first impressions of each other and laughed some more.

he made it clear he wasn't the player you thought he was, though you argued he was still far too flirtatious. that, he couldn't deny.

not when he played the part of your date all too well. not when he spoke up whenever you wanted to order another, carried conversation to another interesting topic when the current one's beginning to die out, and even let you borrow his jacket when he noticed you rubbing your arms for warmth.

you dreaded imagining how bland this night would have been if the original date went as planned.

when it was your turn to uphold your end of the deal, heeseung smacked his credit card right on top of yours, brows furrowed like he was offended.

you scoffed, pulled it out and smacked yours over his again in retaliation. "you did your part, let me do mine."

heeseung just squinted his eyes at you, a weak attempt to look intimidating, before slipping his card to the waiter who quickly processed the payment and handed him the receipt before walking off.

you huffed. "heeseung—you just broke the deal."

"you're dumb if you think i'm gonna give you a reason to tell our friends i let a girl pay for a date."

"so why did you offer then?" you grumbled, slipping the card in your bag.

"truth be told, i didn't think it through. you seemed lonely and i just wanted some assurance you wouldn't be a bitch to me all night. and you can say what you want to say but it worked," he hummed, popping a piece of cold fry in his mouth. "you've never been the type to just let people be nice to you."

"well i'm not going to give you a reason to hold something over my head—"

"and if you shut up and stop complaining, then no one—not even our friends—will ever know you got stood up." he sighed. "i'm not asking for anything in return, Y/N. not your money, not a second date, not pretend niceties—but i enjoyed tonight and i want us to be able to exist around each other from now on. not just for our friends but for us."

you pursed your lips, unable to deal with the upfront honesty he's giving you. you just stared at his face, fidgeting with the zipper of your purse. "are you offering a truce?"

"i'm offering friendship. a proper one. like this, or something less intimate if the reputation i have in your mind still precedes me."

as it turned out, he wasn't offering just friendship.

it wasn't supposed to go further than that. but between the way heeseung's eyes kept lingering on the smooth skin of your upper thigh and the flirtatious jokes he kept cracking throughout the drive to your apartment, it was hard to ignore the growing tension in his car.

"so… we're here." you muttered as he pulled to the sidewalk in front of your apartment.

"guess we are." he smiled weakly. "don't tell me you want me to open the door for you too?"

"fuck off." you replied, lacking the usual venom the words usually came with. "thank you for the night, hee. i had a great time."

"i did, too. you be safe, 'kay?"

you stared at each other for a beat before you finally broke it off by stepping out of the door. you took a few steps before you heard the quiet whirring of the passenger window rolling down.

"you can just give my jacket back on monday, by the way." heeseung hollered with a smug smile on his pretty face.

you gasped softly, realizing the only thing that was keeping you from shivering all night was still wrapped around your shoulders.

"o–oh. um.." you bit your lower lip, mentally chastising yourself from the decision you were about to do. "actually—it's still quite cold. do you want to warm up inside for a few minutes? have some water… or something."

heeseung's impulsiveness has brought him to many places, but for it to bring him in front of your doorstep was the last thing he expected.

he'd be a liar to say he didn't feel the suffocating electricity in the bar, and even more so when he got you alone in his car, but he was dead set on staying true to his words.

however, the moment he got you alone in your apartment, his hand immediately cupped your cheek and he pulled you in for a kiss filled with need and urgency and every emotion pent up from the months where you pretended like he was invisible—one so slow, yet so deep that it left you in a daze after.

"sorry. i… got carried away, i think." he muttered, quietly gulping. his forehead was still pressed on yours, doe-like eyes looking for assurance in your half-lidded ones.

instead of giving him a proper answer, you pulled him back in for another kiss.

and the rest was history.

all your friends—the same ones who were so insistent in making you guys exist in the same room—said it shouldn't have worked as well as it did.

you came across as cold, composed and too structured, where heeseung was warm, exceptionally loud, and thrived on free-balling whatever problem life threw at his way.

they said you were too different, but you balanced each other out, mellowing each other's strong traits and ugly habits through careful compromises.

if anything, the fact that you had fundamental differences was the reason why your relationship thrived so much. but the phrase "opposited attract" can only go so far.

you picked your phone up again, thumb hovering over heeseung's name in your messages. you tapped once, reading through the last conversation.

from: heeseung lee. — princess i'm coming over with ramen and my switch. can we play pokemon tgt pls to: heeseung lee. — i'm still studying but the door's unlocked if u just want to hang babe from: heeseung lee. — be there in 15. i love you < 3

that was the last text he ever sent.

the truth is, you don't remember the details of how you broke up. or why, for that matter. all you knew was that you were both on edge the night he came over, exhausted from a long day and already dreading the weight of what the next day would hold.

heeseung wanted to find solace in your presence but you were too absorbed in your responsibilities, not even bothering looking up from your meticulously organized notes.

you had books, pastel highlighters, and sticky notes scattered on your desk when he barged into your room. he nudged your shoulder, begging for scraps of your attention but you kept brushing him off, muttering an empty promise about only needing a few minutes more.

"baby… come on. that assignment can wait. it's like— fuck, do you even care about me? about us?"

"the world doesn't revolve around our relationship, heeseung. unlike you, i actually care about things bigger than just 'us'."

heeseung got offended and accused you of being too callous. you muttered something passive-aggressive about his childishness under your breath, telling at him to stop putting words in your mouth.

what started as a petty argument quickly escalated into a full-blown screaming match with you pushing at his chest and him saying shit just to be cruel and get you to back down.

but much like him, you were stubborn. annoyingly competitive, too. so you fought back twice as hard, hurling remarks you didn't really mean but you said them anyway just for the sake of winning.

in the grand scheme of things, losing the argument was a much better option than losing heeseung entirely.

you didn't know it then, but you definitely knew it now that you were alone and reminiscing through the good and bad times of your relationship like a pathetic loser while he was on the other side of your small university town, drinking with the friends you used to share, probably having a great time now that he's severed himself from you.

you bit your lip as your thumb hovered over the keyboard on your screen.

hey. no, that sounds too casual considering how the both of you ended things.

still out drinking? one, you sound pathetic. two, he'd find out you were stalking.

i miss you. no—that's stupid and fucking desperate.

you bit on your lip, trying out different variations of what text to send when you felt your bed rocking slightly. you paused, glaring at the wall of your bedroom.

jesus christ. just how hard were your neighbors fucking?

you slipped on your fluffy slippers and stomped out of your bedroom, prepared to give them an earful when the floor moved underneath you again in gentle horizontal sways.

you gripped on a shelf, eyes widening in realization.

panic swiftly overwhelmed your senses. you learned about this in a disaster management seminar. drop to the ground. find something sturdy for cover. hold until the shaking stops. but your body wasn't following suit no matter how loud your mind scrambled for you to act.

not until the ground shook again. stronger this time. violent enough to sway the hanging lamps and throw you off balance.

so much of the dust that have accumulated on your shelves fell like fine grey snow while you crawled towards the questionable safety of your dining table that it turned the room slightly hazy. or maybe it was your tears. you didn't really know anymore.

you heard glassware—a collectible, probably—drop somewhere behind you, making a loud shatterring sound resonate across the moving room. it made you cry even louder.

the shaking made everything clatter. from the cultery in your shelves to the pen organizers rattling in your room. you heard the shuffling of feet outside your door, mixed with your neighbors' cries and shouts.

you wanted to run with them, to leave for safety, but terror had your body paralyzed. you could only sob while you hugged your knees closer to your chest, one arm holding the dining table steady over your head.

this was it. this was the end of you.

through your terrified sobs, you unlocked your phone. and with trembling thumbs, you typed out a message—the words you truly wanted to say.

to: heeseung lee. — i love you.

heeseung was on the backseat of an taxi. he was tipsy, the apples of his cheeks and tips of his ears still blooming red from his inability to process the ungodly amount of alcohol he consumed tonight. he was never going to let beomgyu hold a bottle of patron ever again.

with a soft groan, he rested his head against the glass while staring at the view outside with heavy eyelids. it was odd how many people were out in the streets when it was already so late at night, but he wasn't one to judge considering how he spent his.

an ambulance passed by the car. a firetruck. then, another ambulance.

heeseung brushed off the shrill whirring sound they made, but the driver was quicker to pick up on what happened.

"did you feel it, sir?" the older man asked, shooting him a look through the rearview mirror as he weaved through the road easily.

"feel what?" heeseung replied, sitting up straighter.

"i think there was an earthquake. must be why traffic's so light. you never really feel it inside a moving metal can, can 'ya?" the driver joked then laughed softly.

unease settled in heeseung's chest.

the new information sobered him up quickly, allowing him to scan the city outside with a clearer vision, clearer mind. people were huddling together. a few were still in their work-attire, eyes glued to their phones. an elderly person getting tended to by the medic. a young couple who held each other with tears in their eyes.

his phone vibrated and he was quick to snatch it from his lap, dread stealing his breath as he read the three words.

from: one and only ♡ — i love you.

he stared at the message with tears welling in his eyes.

where are you? are you with your friends? are there aftershocks? are you inside? are you safe? god, he could only pray you are.

he gripped on his phone, voice shaky as he begged the driver. "sir—can we go to a different address? it's an emergency. i'll—i… i'll pay extra! a–anything! just—please."

the driver, clearly surprised, just nodded as heeseung stammered out your building's location which he knew by heart. the man's eyes flew back to the rearview mirror every now and then, feet pressing on the gas in sympathy for the boy who couldn't seem to sit still.

you weren't answering his calls nor his texts. he hit up your other friends but most of them were either asleep, ignored him, or had no clue where you were. but he was going to chance waiting for you in front of your apartment anyway.

the taxi came to a stop a few blocks away from your apartment. "this is as far as i can go—it looks like emergency services blocked the way in." the driver whispered in apology.

heeseung only nodded and fished out a generous bill, whispering a quiet 'thank you' as he quickly exited the car.

his body moved on autopilot as he weaved through the familiar path to your building. his sneakers sounded percussive with each stomp his running feet made against the asphalt. he bumped into a few strangers but he couldn't be asked to look back or apologize.

time was of the essence.

each second was precious and he couldn't risk coming late. not when the consequence meant—no. he couldn't bear thinking of it.

you're so fucking unfair.

even with your final message, you made sure you'd be able to come out on top of it winning. to be the good one. to be the one who came back. the one who forgave. the one that loved the other more.

but him… the last words he had for you—what were they?

he doesn't even remember. the adrenaline rush and the hurt that ensued after it blurred whatever memory he had of that night.

all he could hope for was that it wasn't too harsh.

if his greatest fear did happen, he wouldn't be able to live with himself knowing that that fight was your last memory you had of him. of him screaming that he regrets being in love with you. of him concluding the beautiful thing you had with a slammed door.

"i love you. i love you too. please—fuck!" heeseung screamed. his lungs burned with each desperate inhale. the soles of his feet were pounding with hurt. salty tears naturally got swept away from his face by the wind as he ran with all his might.

the sound of sirens grew louder as his tired feet came to a stop. his calls for your name got drowned out by the cacophony of voices speaking all at once and the distorted, crackling sound of a personnel speaking through a megaphone rose above it all.

"—not panic. please calmly evacuate to the open parking lot across the building. medics will tend to those who need it shortly."

"Y/N! excuse me! have you seen the tenant from 418-A? ma'am, have you seen the tenant from 418-A? this girl?" he asked repeatedly, even fishing his phone out to show them a picture of you.

the people either brushed him off and walked past him in search for their own safety. his eyes skimmed over the different faces, fear seeping deeper into his bones the longer it took to find you.

he stood on the tips of his toes with eyes squinted to fight against the blinking headlights of the parked cars. "Y/N! Y/N!" he shouted helplessly, his hair messily falling over his forehead after running his finger through it for the millionth time.

just then, he saw the security guard of your building. an old man in his mid-50s who's grown fond of the both of you. heeseung, more than you, if he could admit, especially after seeing him come over so often, once even carrying you like a sack of rice over one shoulder after you blacked out at jake's party.

"mr. woo—"

the guard's eyes widened. "heeseung-ah, you're here…"

he wasn't expecting to see heeseung tonight. especially not after he stormed away months ago and never reappeared with you again. though if the worried expression and the anxious twitching of his fingers were anything to go by, the old man already knew why he was here.

mr. woo pointed to the children's park nearby, patting his shoulder. "don't worry, son. she was the first tenant i looked for after the shaking stopped."

the relief he felt might have been able to bring him to his knees if only heeseung wasn't so determined to be reunited with you. he whispered a breathless 'thank you' before running to the direction the older man pointed at, weaving his way through the small crowd shoulder first.

there, he found you.

sitting on a rusty swing set. alone.

you were in mismatching pajamas, hair getting swept by the wind, clearly showing the quiet distress in your red-rimmed eyes. you looked even smaller and more frail now, shaking like a leaf as you clutched on your phone.

nothing like the confident, reassured woman he'd grown to love.

your empty gaze was directed out in the distance, police lights bouncing pale hues of blue and red against your complexion. you looked beautiful, even with the awful situation you've been put into.

as if sensing his presence, your eyes turned to his direction.

heeseung met your eyes and he swore the world stopped moving.

no sirens, no crying children, no brassy megaphone announcements. just your tearful eyes and the unstable whisper of his name.

heeseung was on you in an instant, one arm around your waist and the other guiding your head to the crook of his neck.

"heeseung—h–hee…" you whispered in disbelief, eyes fluttering shut as you hugged him back and melted in the warmth of the embrace.

the rush of adrenaline from running had started wearing off, and the familiarity of your scent clouded heeseung's mind before he could remember the promise he made to himself not to break down if he ever saw you again.

"Y/N. you're here, you're safe—i kept looking for you. god, you scared me so much." the words tumbled out of his mouth, only muffled by the lips half-pressed to your temple as he shakily held you to himself while crying.

there was no pride anymore. no ego nor arrogance.

shock, fear, and longing—all of the emotions you set aside for the sake of survival came crashing down all at once.

your own tears turned his sleeves damp while you spoke through your sobs. "h–heeseung. i was so scared. i was so fucking scared. it was so noisy and everything was breaking and shaking, and i thought i was going to—"

heeseung hushed you, his large palm rubbing soothing lines across your back all while tears of his own ran down at the horrible thought. "shhh, no no. don't think of that, baby. you're safe—i'm here. i'm here now, right? you're okay. you'll be safe here in my arms."

the night was much more calm now that the people left.

one by one, the ambulances and firetrucks left, their sirens fading out along with the noise of the people who previously crowded the park. you overheard some choosing to settled in airbnbs, but most just opted to spend the night in a hotel.

you stayed behind, mind too muddled to even worry about what next steps you should be taking. you just watched them leave, and heeseung sat beside you on the sidewalk with a pinky finger linked to yours like a quiet promise of staying.

"the earthquake wasn't too strong—it wasn't even felt from the next city over. it barely reached a 3 point magnitude. thankfully didn't cause any casualties. at least that's what the articles said." heeseung whispered from beside you.

"oh, is the signal already back?" your words got cut off by the incessant ringing on your phone.

multiple texts and notifcations flooded it back to back: a few of your friends checking up on you, a few missed calls from your family, a few from the man whose jacket was draped over your shoulders.

to: heeseung lee. — i love you. from: heeseung lee. — Y/N? what is this? from: heeseung lee. — is this because of the earthquake? from: heeseung lee. — you're scaring me. please tell me you're okay. from: heeseung lee. — [ you missed a call from the sender. ] from: heeseung lee. — love. please answer the phone. from: heeseung lee. — [ you missed 3 calls from the sender. ] from: heeseung lee. — i love you too. i love you more. from: heeseung lee. — i never stopped. you have to be there to tell me this again in person okay? from: heeseung lee. — i love you, princess.

for the first time, a smile cracked on your lips, albeit a weak one.

"what're you smiling about?" heeseung asked from beside you, craning his head.

you tilted your screen towards him, nudging his shoulders jokingly. "talk about clingy."

heeseung blushed, but he didn't really feel shame in what he did. "you weren't replying. i was losing my mind in the taxi, you know."

"i'm sorry for texting you out of nowhere, hee." you said after a while, staring at the pebbles under your feet. "i was convinced i was going to die and…"

"and?"

"and you were the first person i thought of." you finally admitted, biting down on your lip. "i guess i didn't want to leave some things unsaid. is that selfish of me?"

heeseung just smiled, shaking his head. "nah, i don't think so."

silence enveloped the both of you again. the air suddenly turned heavy, as if it was telling you no jokes or casual conversation could gloss over the fact that the two of you still found yourselves sitting side by side despite the fact that you both wordlessly agreed not to cross paths anymore after that night.

"you don't have to apologize, you know."

"hm?"

"about texting me, i mean. because you were the first thing i thought of, too." heeseung sucked in a deep breath before continuing. "the driver said there was an earthquake, then i got the message, and i damn near lost my mind in that taxi because… all i could think of was you. because you hate noise, you hate unexpected things, because you freeze during times of emergencies. fuck—i was so worried about you, Y/N. did you know i was crying while i ran here?"

"like how you're crying now?"

heeseung paused, feeling his cheeks and grimaced when he felt the dampness of his tears sticking to the back of his hand. he wasn't even aware he'd been crying. again.

you tilted heeseung's face towards you and gently wiped them away with sorrowful smile. "i think the only thing i'm good at is making you cry. i'm sorry."

"why do you keep apologizing?" he laid a hand over yours to keep it on his cheeks with eyebrows furrowed, frustrated at the unrecognizable amount of guilt in your approach.

you smiled softly as you swipe your thumb back and forth against his cheekbones. "because i'm ashamed that it took a threat to my life to admit that i loved you—that i still love you. i was a coward who couldn't bring themselves to admit that when we were fighting because i thought it'd make me look weak and desperate—not even an hour, or a day, or a month after our breakup. and i feel like an asshole for doing this thing to you. you know... making you run all the way here, worrying about me and all."

heeseung removed your hand from his face and opted to hold it instead, long bony fingers intertwining with your own. he scooted closer to you and you rested your head on his shoulder. "i'd have done that whether you texted me or not."

you closed your eyes, tension growing in your jaw as your fingers dug into the back of his palm. "i know… but—"

"i meant what i said in those texts, Y/N." heeseung laid a hand over your interlocked hands, gently squeezing yours in between them. "every single part of them. i love you—a whole lot. i don't think i ever stopped. everyday since our break up, i gaslit myself into thinking i could survive without you…"

he paused, then let out a soft sigh. "but considering how scared i was when i heard the news, i don't think i can. nor would i ever want to."

"i love you too, hee." you mumbled, smiling when you felt his lips press on the crown of your head.

"you know… that night, i told you that there's a lot of things bigger than us. but whatever ambition, whatever stupid test i was studying for seemed so insignificant then. because when the ground started shaking… all i wanted under that dingy dining table was to be held by you."

and held you, he did.

heeseung pulled you on top of him and wrapped his arms snug around you like he was afraid you'd disappear if he didn't hold on to you tight enough. your confession, the honest vulnerability behind them, gave him the courage to press his lips on yours.

the kiss drove home everything he needed you to know. a promise and an apology in the form of chapped lips meeting your own. his hands cupped your nape, an arm still securely wrapped around waist as heeseung poured everything out into the kiss.

it was passionate, full of eagerness, and bittersweet like the fear of almost losing you permanently mixed with the relief he felt because it was the same thing that brought you back into his arms. it seeped into the way he moved your lips against yours, languid and deep.

heeseung kept you close even as you pulled away for air. his hand carefully pressed on the small of your back, the other settling to warm your cheek as he pressed a final kiss on the corner of your mouth.

the world could end tomorrow for all you know.

but in this specific time, and in this specific moment, the ground felt firm under your feet.

because heeseung was finally here to anchor you and keep your trembling figure steady.

YAN'S NOTES ➤ ending is a bit shite and rushed, but i had to post it now or else it might never see the light of day again. kinda got the rush to write this back when me and my friends were on a trip and a mild earthquake happened, but never got to the ending until today lmao. also, i miss my bambhee a lot, so.

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