Down the Rabbit Hole

Do you have ADHD and/or autism? Do you have a problem with noticing people messaged you, thinking, “I like that person, I should reply! But I don’t have the energy right now. I’ll remember to get back to them later,” and then never speaking to them again?

Well boy, do I have a thing-some-people-people-might-call-a-hack-and-might-help-you-but-it-also-might-not-solve-a-single-fucking-thing for YOU! That wasn’t a hyperlink, but I applaud your instincts.

Ready? I know, you skipped down here as soon as you saw the red text anyway. Don’t open it.

Don’t!

Dooooon’t!

DON’T DO IT

That red notification thing? That little berry your lil hunter-gatherer brain wants you to pluck RIGHT NOW or you’ll never eat again and you’ll die?

Don’t you dare pick it, you little shit. THAT berry. That specific one. You saw the name. That’s all you needed. Think about it. I mean consciously sit there and think about that berry for a second.

That’s now a special berry. You do not touch that berry until you want another goddamn berry and you’re ready to go foragin’.

“But they might think I’m rude if I don’t at least give them a read receipt!”

No the fuck they won’t. They’re gonna think you’re rude when you send em a signal that you never wanna talk to them again.

No read receipt, no perceived rejection on their end. They’ll just think you were at work, or were driving, or in the middle of the hottest sex they can imagine. (Those three options specifically.)

But you know better. You know you have that special berry that you’ve made a very incredibly specific plan to pick later.

Here’s an entirely unrelated meme to break up the post into more digestible chunks for you.

Accidentally open that notification up because you were scrolling through the Discord and monkey brain got too powerful to resist for a minute?

You now have permission to be weird. Don’t worry, everybody knows you’re weird anyway. Act the part. Do one of these little jams:

Honey you just miraculously put that berry back on the bush. You’re an affront to nature and you will soon dethrone G-d for daring think berries can not go back on bushes.

*sigh*

I know, you probably already have thousands of berries built up from weeks, months, even years of avoiding all contact.

Do the following now, honey. Right now. You operate best on now.

Go through and tap and clear everything. Do it fast. Don’t think too much. Just gobble up all the berries you can. Try to keep an eye out for berries you wanna eat later and drop one of the Little Jams worded in whatever way feels most appropriate for the time it’s been since that last message arrived. Again, don’t overthink it. Keep it short if you have to. It’s better than what you’ve been doing.

A sly smile spread across your face. This was going to be fun.

Your cousin has an extreme peanut allergy, and she has always been jealous of the fact everyone else could eat Reese's Peanut Butter Cups while she could only hear about how great they were. After very little deliberation, you buy a bag of peanuts, a sharpie and a bag of Reese's Pices before going to her apartment.

Holding a single offending peanut in the air in front of you, you study it. This peanut looks exactly like every other peanut in existence. You plan to change that.

After shelling the peanut and one of it's siblings by cracking them between your teeth, you place one one of the edible bits on your center console untouched, the second one you draw an X on and set beside the first, on the third and fourth ones you draw circles and leave in your hand.

With trembling fingers you pop the third peanut into your mouth and dry swallow.

The fourth peanut disappears but the first two remain on the center console of your car. With a victory pump in the air you grab the shelled peanuts and eat them. The rest of the bag in your lap growing lighter, only the shells remain but completely untouched.

You ditch the peanut shells in a trash receptacle on your way up the stairs to your cousin's apartment. With a quick delay for a knock and a stupidly short conversation she eats a Reese's Pieces (EpiPen in hand of course). Hives break out over her instantly and one EpiPen shot later you are banned from her apartment for forever. It seems that your scientific experiments were not appropriate in this situation. You savor the 50 Reese's Pieces you shoved into your mouth, already melting.

-

It takes a bit, but you mark every piece of food you eat directly before you eat it. You dont die of starvation and the world has only lost grapes, peanuts, and Reese's Pieces. You don't intend for that to change anytime soon.

-

Three years later you slam your book shut, eyes wide with understanding. The other people in the coffee shop jumped with worry. Whatever you eat will cease to exist in the world. Your eyes turn to the garbage where you can see a used plastic straw stick out of an empty plastic cup.

It's time to save the turtles bitches.

Five minutes later every plastic straw in the trash vanishes. So does every plastic straw in the ocean.

An evil smile spreads across your face, mosquitoes are going down.

You eat every nonbiodegrable trash object you find, you even eat AK-47 ammo, snakes, eels, clown noses, anything. You are never discovered, but you made the world a better place.

As time went on, you decided it was time to die in the most metal way possible. You were going to eat a nuke.

All your efforts went to this goal, if you could eat a nuke, well good stuff then right. But it will definitely kill you.

You made a deal with a man who could get you to see a nuke. Unfortunately a nuke is not something that can fit in your mouth or stomach, so this plan sucked.

Instead you decide to do something very rational. Cannibalism. Well not cannibalism because you are not a corrupt politician.

You picture assassination and gorging yourself on human flesh with blood covering your chest. Instead you break into a morgue and eat very very raw, meat, human meat.