why can't I ever dream of daisies? why always heartache?

And now, don't get me wrong. I was raised to be kind and accepting (for the most part; don't accept bullshit), like PBS KIDS was a big thing in my adolescence

But sometimes I do wonder about nature vs. nurture. Because I vividly remember getting so angry, often, that I'd see red. The earliest memory was in a classroom during circle time and I hit a student. I was in, like, 1st or 2nd grade. I remember being asked where do I get my anger from? I'd answer that I get it from my parents (granted, my mom was 22 when she had me)

Now all throughout grade school, I wanted to be thinks like an assassin, a wrestler, a martial artist, a sniper, a spy. The strongest desire I had in 6th grade was being a Berserker. Whooooo childhood me would have had a field day!!! 🙌🏾

(And now that I think about it, I should really visit a rage room, probably.... 👀🫣)

So like, I was in weightlifting all throughout high school, which greatly helped. And I did a lot of cardio (biking, walking) during university which helped a lot too

But now as I'm typing this out as a train of thought, I wonder if any of this plays into the fact that I never liked being submissive

I never liked being subservient in any sort of way, even as a child. Aside from helping my mother and grandmother and great grandmother, of course. I've fought (verbally more than physically) and denounced my birth father since I could put 2 + 2 together and realize he was a shitty ass nigga preying on hobosexual single women. I was told I wouldn't be good for the military at 16 because of my mouth. Religion is another thing, if that factors in

And I've hated hated hated men who've tried to make me submissive, meanwhile they're a whole ass bitch nigga who wants the princess treatment himself

(Now I'm also remembering when I was younger, in like freshman year, a boy tried this while in a moving car. Said I wouldn't do nothing because of it. I reached over and opened the door for him, and he freaked out)

I've never felt comfortable with most men, relationship-wise. I know that I need either a man who takes charge, who is a conqueror and knows I will off him if he tries some slimy shit with me.

Or someone who is sweet and calm and who's basically my opposite, but who will also be rough and manhandle sometimes, because I don't want a limp rag doll or a punching bag.