Jon Bernthal Week - Day 1. âł Favorite TV Show/Character - Shane Walsh (The Walking Dead)Â
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@honestmurder
Jon Bernthal Week - Day 1. âł Favorite TV Show/Character - Shane Walsh (The Walking Dead)Â

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killrussoâ.
   âFighting Third, huh?â His whole demeanor shifts then. Doesnât quite soften but comes close enough to it to almost smile ââ itâs slight, a small hitch at the corner of his mouth, but it counts.  âAinât that the truth. Knew a couple men myself who served Third. They always got these stories to tell, you know, real heavy shit that, uhââthat sticks with you. You think about it later, pull it apart. All those pieces that just made it sound like goddamn childâs play, like they didnât carry the war back with âem.â Thereâs a measure of respect in the way he says this, and how he looks to the clear sky as if he were searching for something. His gaze drops a moment after. Back to the ground, to the dirt and filth and years of wear on his boots. Â
   âYeah, thatâs that Marine shit. Sixteen years, three tours as a Marine Force Recon. I was a, uh âŚÂ scout sniper, and I wasââhell, I was one of the best there was, you know, I loved it. When I was out in the field âŚÂ Iâll tell you, man, there was nothinâ else fucking like it. Nothing could beat that feeling. But that was my problem, see, IââI put too much trust in a government with handâs in everybodyâs goddamn pockets, you know, and, uh âŚÂ there were things I did, thingsââthings I got involved in that damned every single one of us. There was no honor in what we did. âŚÂ anyway, Iâm, uhââIâm sorry, you know, about your grandfather. Thatâs dark shit. Curtis, he knew a couple of brothers who, uh âŚÂ who punched their timecard ahead of schedule too.â
   âChrist. Sounds about like New York, except, uhââit wasnât just the hospitals. Yeah âŚÂ I remember they, uh, they brought the Humvees into the streets, you know, they were blocking roads, thinking they could get people into quarantine. Had theseââthese tents set up in Manhattan and one or two other boroughs for a little while after all the hospitals were flooded. Corpsmen stationed at each, one to a tent, you know, andââthose tents, man, they had at least ten or twenty people a piece. Didnât last long. Few hours, maybe less,  âtill they started gunning everyone down. All that blood, man, it was everywhere, it was all in the streetsââblood and shit and people missing their limbs, halves of whole goddamn bodies, people turning and grabbing whoever was closest. First place I went was to get Karen, told her, uh âŚÂ told her to lock the door, you know, she worked in this office, so I told her to lock the door ân stay there âtill I come for her. Gave her another clip for that hand cannon she carried. Went to get Curtis, âcause by that point, the lines were going down. Took him to Liebermanâs ân then I went back for her. I knew I shouldnât have left her, man, sheââby the time I got to her, everyone in that goddamn building was either dead or, uh, dead and walking. At least ten or fifteen of âem,  ân they were all trying tâ get to her, you know, they were after Karen. Iâll never forget the look on her face, man, it wasââit was like she âŚÂ she thought I wasnât cominâ back, even if it was just for a second. After I put âem down, I got her and Curtis, Lieberman ân his family, got âem the hell out of the city quick as I could.â
   Your girls. He was prepared for his body to have an adverse reaction to that ââ prepared for it to go cold and stiff. It didnât.
   âLoretta, man, sheâs âŚÂ sheâs been through some shit. Never had a doubt in my goddamn mind that Iâd find her alive, you know. Sheâs a tough kid. Karen was a, uhââshe was a journalist, a front-page reporter for the Bulletin, you know, a tabloid newspaper in New York, so she got the stories first before anybody else. Talked to me about it one night when she got home from work, she was âŚÂ she couldnât let it go, man, she was sitting on the goddamn couch with her Pad Thai, you know, eating that shit right out of the container and talkinâ to me about it, and I mean sheââshe was goinâ on about it for hours, asking me what I thought ân before I could say a goddamn word, sheâd launch off again. Could hardly keep up with her. Karenâsââsheâs one of the smartest women Iâve ever met. Gotta be honest with you, man, I donât âŚÂ I donât know where Iâd be without her. âŚÂ you said, uh, said Rick was in the hospital when the shit hit the fan. What happened?â
    "those were what my gramps considered bedtime stories, man, he â he was tellinâ me shit before i was old enough tâ understand halfâa what it meant. before i could, uh, could appreciate âem for what they were,  ân even when i got older, yâknow, i, iâd never claim tâ know where he was cominâ from.  âcause i was never there myself, i never served, never went tâ war. sure you two wouldâa had a lot tâ talk about, huh.â he says it with an equal measure of respect, but holds off on the thank you for your service speech; his grandfather had never much cared for it, and he has a feeling that frank wouldnât either.
    the more he listens, the more he hears, the more he can think back on the news and acknowledge just how much was left out. heâd only caught fragments, because new york was a world away. but theyâd spun it a whole lot different. stamped a nickname on the man, played him off as some crazy vet with an itchy trigger finger and no real motivation. like heâd woken up one day and started to unload on just about anyone. heâs quieter, again.  ââ curtis, thatâs the man that you lost? iâm sorry âbout that, too, itâs â it ainât easy, donât matter how many times yâ go through it.â he doesnât dwell on things; that doesnât mean they have no impact.
    â... quarantine. shit, i remember that.â thereâs a scoff, almost.  ââmember hearinâ about a refugee center in atlanta, thatâs where everybody was headed. sâ where i was takinâ rickâs family but we never made it past the highway. good thing we didnât,  âcause that same nightâs the night they were droppinâ napalm in the streets. karen, she, uh â she sounds like somethinâ else, man. that wouldâa bothered the hell outta me, too, knowing all that, wanting answers ân just â just digginâ up more questions, like the whole damn worldâs losinâ their minds ân youâre the only one whoâs got any sense left. whatever happened, man, whatever yâall had tâ fight through just tâ get here, seems like sheâs in it for the long haul. itâs good, yâknow, itâs good havinâ people stand behind you like that.â
    another pause, a beat longer this time. then, âyeah. yeah, he, uh â he got shot, on the job. we got this call, oneâa those all hands on deck things, they were pullinâ in units from king county, linden county â two armed suspects in a vehicle, thatâs what they told us. had officers chasinâ âem all over the backroads, yâknow, just this â this pair of idiots, tearinâ through the damn countryside. so we drive out ân we help take âem down, but there was a third guy. a third man, just ... came outta nowhere,  ân that was on me, yâknow, i â i shouldâve seen him. rick, heâd caught a round in his vest,  ân he was lookinâ right at me, tellinâ me, uh â tellinâ me not tâ tell his wife,  ân thatâs when this third suspect comes out. i put a buckshot in him, but heâd already fired on rick,  ân it was â it was bad, man. tell yâ somethinâ, i thought he was gonna bleed out right there on the sideâa the road. paramedics came, took him into surgery, tried tâ fix him up best they could. i went in there every day, talkinâ to him, just ... hopinâ heâd come around, yâknow, that heâd wake up ân we could go back tâ how it was. two weeks, man. thatâs all it took. two weeks ân people were dyinâ in the halls, killinâ each other in the streets. i thought he was dead, sâ that simple. so i made that call. thatâs, uh ... thatâs the one thing i look back on ân wish iâd done different,  but it just is what it is,  man.  yâknow,  you make these choices ân then you have tâ live with âem.â
killrussoâ.
   âYeah âŚÂ used to, uh, used to hear this saying all the time about the bullet that kills you, you know, how you donât hear the shot before it gets you. Always thought that was the biggest steaming pile of horse-shit Iâve heard in my goddamn life. Lookinâ back, itâs always the bullet with your name on it that you can hear and see with perfect goddamn clarity. Itâs the one that ainât got shit on it that you gotta worry about,  ân thatâsââthatâs the thing with these goddamn meat-sacks, you know, they donât discriminate. They donât care who or what you are. Guess Iâm just preachinâ to the choir now, huh?â
    âguess so, but that donât mean it ainât true. thatâs that, uh, that marine shit again, right? somethinâ âbout  âto whom it may concern,â somethinâ like that? yeah. thatâs all it is with these things, man, thatâs all it ever is. to whom it may concern. nobodyâs, uh â nobodyâs singled out, yâknow, itâs just, itâs timing. itâs timing ân you either get out alive or yâ donât, thatâs it. but itâs â i mean, watchinâ your own back, thatâs one thing, but when you got people tâ think about, people who â they count on you, man, they depend on you, thatâs when it sticks. thatâs when you start thinkinâ surviving ainât the hard part.â

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đ
    their whole groupâs been a melting pot brought to a steady boil for days. supplies are scarce; the nearest weapons cache, one of frankâs, allegedly one of many heâs got scattered across the country, had been cleaned out. coming to blows was an inevitability. itâs the lack of a build - up that has him chasing the impulse to draw while his hand flexes at his side.
    he can take a punch. learned that a long time ago, way back in middle school the first time somebody squared up on the playground. heâs lost count, since then. but frank doesnât hit like a kid or a pissed off perp or rick or jenna â frank hits like a damn tank. mustâve held back a little, shane thinks, otherwise his jaw wouldâve cracked under the pressure and he would be doing more than spitting blood and what looks like a molar onto the dirt. thatâs still an ache heâll be feeling for days.
    ââ so thatâs how it is, huh?â
    he spits again, wipes his mouth with his palm. everythingâs red. his hand, the ground, the whole world painted crimson. the rise and fall of his chest is heavy. anger, exertion. it takes everything not to return the favor.
    if thereâs an explanation, frank doesnât offer it. just stares him down with the same look heâs probably given dozens, hundreds, of others before now. hundreds of others whoâd flinch, maybe put their hands up in surrender, start to beg, whatever else. all shane does is stare him down right back.
    âlook, man, you do what you gotta do. feel like yâ wanna take another swing, beat my ass intâ the ground, that about right? least gimme a reason for it, see,  âcause last i checked, you ân me â weâre on the same side.â
prompt  /  @killrusso.
send đ for your muse to just fucking deck mine
send âťđ for the reverse
killrussoâ.
   âThought right. There were, uh âŚÂ five or six of âem, came at us from all sides. Her knife got stuck on somethinâ, bone or cartilage, maybe, she couldnât pull it looseââgoddamn walker had her by the hair when I turned around, I mean just grabbed her, you know, about had its jaws around her before I put him down. I told her later, I said âŚÂ rethinkinâ that haircut? Yeah. She didnât like that. It is what it is. Shit happens, thatâs what I said. Doesnât make it any easier. Especially not for her.â
    âhell, weâve all been there, right? weâve all had that moment, man, that moment where it just goes in slow motion â people talk about adrenaline, how it, uh, how it speeds things up, but that ainât always true. it slows down ân you can see it, yâknow, see where it went wrong,  ân that stays with you. sheâll get past it, man. she will.â
killrussoâ.
   âYeah, Iâm, uh âŚÂ tâ be honest, Iâm more worried about her, you know, sheâsââsheâs blaming herself for what happened out there, thought I was chewinâ her out for it. â
    ââ close call, huh. thought thatâs what it was. sheâs just gotta work through that on her own, man, sheâs gotta make peace with it. whether, uh, whether yâ chew her out or keep tellinâ her it ainât her fault, thatâs just â thatâs just somethinâ sheâs gotta do herself.â
killrussoâ.
   âââ heard all that, huh? Figures.â @honestmurderâ
    âmightâve, uh â mightâa walked by for some of it. you good, man?â

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â so, whoâs taking care of you? â
    âthis your way of, uh, of volunteering,  âs that it? donât go gettinâ all sweet on me now, girl. thereâs plentyâa work tâ go around ân not enough able bodies willinâ tâ get their hands dirty. seem tâ recall you never havinâ that problem.â
    itâs a dig, but thereâs no animosity behind it. theyâve been throwing looks back and forth for days and what feels like every time he turns around, there she stands. the way she addresses him â officer, just like before â started out snide and gradually became something else, something a little more teasing than derisive. he notices, even if he doesnât speak on it. there isnât much that happens in camp that he doesnât notice.
    âyâ didnât answer my question, officer.â
    and there it is again; his brow goes up like itâs caught with a fish hook, and damned if her smile isnât almost coy by this point. sheâs planted herself just inside armâs reach, hand on her hip. waiting.
    "you just donât let up, huh? okay, then. tell yâ what, how âbout we take a drive, get these fine folks their drinking water,  ân you can decide for yourself if iâm, uh â if iâm beinâ taken care of, howâs that sound?â
prompt  /  @honestnature.
leon, posing for the camera
comin for that ass, leon
* born blue prompts
born blue is a novel by han nolan. tw: suicidal ideation.
â five, six days. i lost track. âÂ
â didnât scare me. â
â iâll take good care of you, sweetheart. âÂ
â you look real pale. â
â could i call them and let them know youâre here, safe, with us? âÂ
â donât you trust me? â
â you act like you donât care if you live or die, sometimes. but i care. âÂ
â someone could really hurt you. â
â just keep your eyes open. â
â that must be your motto. â
â you donât want to get too friendly with them. â
â go on! leave! leave me alone! âÂ
â youâll be sorry. â
â i bet you need something to eat. â
â you sick? â
â but you said the cops were sniffing around. âÂ
â you feeling all right, baby? â
â letâs go, now. â
â what time is it? where are you? â
â you donât let anyone care about you. â
â wonât hurt to listen. â
â this is the right place. â
â thatâs the way itâs going to be, okay? â
â so get out. â
â donât sweat it. â
â yeah? and how come? âÂ
â theyâre tranquilizers. â
â you broke your fever. thatâs good. â
â in this house we let each other know where weâre going to be so no one worries about us. â Â Â
â this is my home. iâve come back home. â
â you did that on purpose! â
â i canât talk to you. âÂ
â you canât learn well if your body isnât fed right and you donât get enough sleep. â
â shouldnât you be in a hospital or something? â
â where is your home? â
â you donât, thatâs your problem. â
â and whether my life is big or small, at least i know it will be honest and good and full of the people i love and who love me. i donât need anything else. â
â do you try to hurt me on purpose? is that it? â
â itâs like you want to fight all the time. â
â i donât care. do what you want. âÂ
â so, whoâs taking care of you? â
â i got places to go. â
â do you ever think even a minute ahead? â
killrussoâ.
   âI tried tâ be, but, uh âŚÂ didnât always work out. Mariaââshe could be brutal,  you know,  rip my heart right out of goddamn chest,  eat that shit for lunch,  then sheâd ⌠ sheâd turn around ân smile at me, ân I was just done.  I was done, it was over. Always thoughtââyou know, becoming a Marine, shit, I was eighteen years old, fresh out of high school ân I thought I was real hot shit, you know, thought I had all the experience I needed. There wasnât shit they could teach me that I didnât already know other than how to hold a gun. How to shoot the damn thing. Yeah. Couple days into training, I had thisââthis drill sergeant, right, he was right up in my ear screaminâ this whole tirade of bullshit, man, I mean he was chewing my ass to pieces. Thatâs when I realized. Call it a moment of clarity, call it whatever the hell you want, but thatâs when I realized all that life experience I thought I hadââit didnât amount to shit. Funniest thing about it, you know, being a Marine taught me all kinds of different shit, but still couldnât teach me how to talk to a woman. Guess you ainât ever had that problem, huh? Figures, man, you remind me of, uh âŚÂ those kids I used tâ beat the shit out of âcause theyâd walk around that school, right, act like the only thing that mattered in life was how many notches they could get on their goddamn belt by the end of the year. Jenna, you know, she, uh âŚÂ she sounds like a wild card. Seen her out there talkinâ to Karen a few times.â
   Thereâs nothing that could measure up to a loss like that. He hopes Shane never finds that out for himself. He hopes that his world will always have color and that his heart wonât ever break like his has, to that same earth-shattering degree that turns a man into a monster. That he wonât have to pick up one of those pieces, use it to cut open his palm just to see that color again. To pour it out into the streets because thatâs all he lives for anymore.  ââŚÂ yeah. Took me a long time to accept that. For a while, you know, I looked at Karen andââand all I saw was everything they could take away from her, you know, all the shit that âŚÂ it makes her who she is. Loretta, man, theyâveââthe whole goddamn worldâs been takinâ her apart piece by piece since she was barely old enough tâ stand up, but she always âŚÂ she always fought back. They both did. Iâve tried pushinâ âem away, you know, both of âem, swear to Christ, but they donât let me go easy. Think theyâd probably kick my ass up ân down that goddamn road if I ever pulled that shit again. Guess in a way, they, uh âŚÂ they keep me safe, too. Just do me a favor, yeah? Keep your old lady at an armâs distance from Lieberman. Guy might shit his pants if she takes a crack at him,  ân thatâs one mess I am not gonna clean up.â
    "â no shit? you never fired a weapon before all that? thatâs, uh â that is a hell of a way tâ start, iâll give ya that much. scout snipers, man, thatâs the shit they make movies about. think i was sixteen when rick ân i started talkinâ about it, yâknow, talkinâ 'bout what we wanted tâ do after high school, that whole talk. told him i was either gonna enlist or join up with the sheriffâs department like my old man â came down to it, i guess i had more, uh, more inclination tâwards the latter. see, my old man, he had a good long runâa beinâ sheriff, never let anybody forget it. he took me out shootinâ for the first time when i was ... hell, couldnâtâa been more than five or six. he loads me up in the cruiser ân he drives us all the way out tâ the boonies, man, nothinâ but field ân trees for miles all âround.  then he takes out this liâl bitty shotgun, yâknow, this, uh â this mossberg .410, tells me it ainât gonna kick like a 20 gauge but it still damn near knocked me on my ass. by the time i was old 'nough for the shooting range, heâd had me hittinâ targets for five years already. he, uh â he was a hardass, but he taught me right. never looked at oneâa them things ân thought it was a toy, yâknow, i â he made damn sure i had the discipline for âem,  ân i did that, man, i did that with every kid i ever taught after that.â the line about notches on his belt pulls another chuckle.  âyeah, you ainât wrong. probâly wouldâa beat the shit outta myself, too, if weâre beinâ real honest here. started steppinâ up my game freshman year when i realized i was stuck with this face.â
    you donât measure those losses, not really. he thinks he can understand that, the drive to isolate, to be alone â but there are just as many downfalls as benefits. you donât measure those, either. he gets by because his focus is clearer now than itâs been in a long time. survival is simple. the rest of it, not so much.  âthink theyâd do more than kick your ass, man. look, if â i know it ainât my place, âcause i donât know âem like you do, but if they was gonna cut you loose yâ gotta figure theyâdâa done it by now. we, uh ... we need that. people like that. much as yâ think itâd be easier without anybody, man, it ainât. sâ just how it is. ainât no reason tâ stay alive when you got nothinâ tâ stay alive for.â one of his brows twitches up; he throws a glance in liebermanâs direction, feels his expression shift a little with that hook of amusement.  ââ he sure looks the type, huh. remind me, uh, remind me not tâ make any sudden moves where he can see âem, iâd hate tâ be the causeâa that heart attack.â

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â iâll make it up to you somehow. â
    ââŚÂ rick, i â i thought you were dead. thatâs what i believed, i believed that,  ân i â yâknow, i, i went tâ that hospital, i went back for you. i went back for you ân it was just â soldiers, man, soldiers shootinâ people down in the halls, everybody just âŚÂ scrambling, just tryinâ tâ figure out which way was up,  ân you âŚÂ rick, you were gone, i swear on my life, man, you â you had no pulse. you had no pulse, you were â you were hooked up tâ these fuckinâ machines ân after the power got knocked out i â i couldnât hear a heartbeat. i couldnât feel one. they â theyâd told us, yâknow, theyâd told us before it all went to shit, that they was gonna med evac you, getâcha to atlanta, but they âŚÂ they never made it that far. it was so quick, man. whole damn world went crazy, just overnight it seemed like. patty â you remember patty taylor, sophomore year? yeah, she, uh, she turned â right there in the station, man, i had tâ put her down,  ân right after thatâs when i went back for you. i swear i did. all i was thinkinâ about, all i could think about, was gettinâ you outta there.â
    sometimes he still hears it, if he pushes his consciousness aside and lets a little animal instinct take over. he can hear the screams, the gunfire, all that noise that didnât add up to anything but chaos. chaos, and panic, and pure, visceral fear. and maybe this is too little, too late. maybe if theyâd had this conversation sooner, long before rick had put the pieces together about lori, they wouldnât have needed to draw blood just to get here.
    âshane âŚâ thereâs a strain in rickâs voice, that quiet stoicism again, that set of his jaw.  âiâll make it up tâ you, brother. iâll make it up tâ you somehow.â
    ââ nah, man, thatâs âŚâ he swallows, throat like sandpaper. the taste of copper and gunpowder thick on his tongue.  âyou â you donât gotta do that, man, we â look, i know we ainât seen eye tâ eye on things. hell, we ainât seen eye tâ eye on anything lately, but i â see, i never wanted this. i just âŚÂ i wantâcha tâ know that.â
    but what he wants, what any of them want, doesnât carry enough weight anymore. want has been taken out of their hands, if it was ever there to begin with. therein lies the crux of the problem. the reason heâs torn, between needing to walk the other way and feeling like heâs bound here, bound to rick, bound by some unspoken obligation to do right by someone heâs considered family for longer than he can recall. frustration chokes him, sucks the air clean from his lungs.
    âi know,â rick tells him.  âi know.â
    he laughs, then; a tired breath of a sound, palm running over the crown of his head.  âso what do we do, man? where do we go from here, how do we, uh âŚÂ yâknow, how do we â how do we make it right, how do we come back from this?â
    unless they donât. unless thatâs the part neither of them wants to admit: thereâs no coming back from this.
prompt  /  @honestsurvival.
You can spend minutes, hours, days, weeks, or even months over-analyzing a situation; trying to put the pieces together, justifying what couldâve, wouldâve happened⌠or you can just leave the pieces on the floor and move the fuck on.
Tupac Shakur.