wut u seek is seeking u

hormone cycles make us predisposed to certain types of behavior/better at certain things but that doesn't mean we can't ultimately choose within the frame of minds. and its also interesting how hormones are feedback loops for our body's functioning. its crazy how everything is touching but separate but the same...

i feel in modern life I am disconnected with my own instincts and probably even actively dissuaded from it with all the constant shoving down throats of everything too (marketing, schooling, capitalism) . and desires. because i spend most of my time looking at a screen. and screens are so attention capturing and powerful. and when was it that tools stopped being tools and became more like parasites that we can still live without

i still love playing with fire and touching things with my hands. reading a paperback from cover to cover. making marks. i miss when these things were a larger part of my life. and in fact i used to scribble in every single margin during every single class and fill it with endless doodling and creation. sometimes i miss school so much. even though it was also incredibly difficult in other ways.

being an adult detached from a roadmap makes me feel so lost. i haven't done any of the things i was supposed to do. i am simultaneously coddled and free falling. separating myself from my experiences is one of the most important things i'm learning to do. the jig is up. so what is there to live for from this ascendant point of view? maybe a positive person would say you make your own lemonade. but a cynic like myself believes that it doesn't matter how you slice it. it doesn't matter if other people scoff. nothing matters, in fact. and i think life would be scarier if it had a meaning at all. then i really would be dropping the ball.