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“Friend saw this in Istanbul today.”  

It was a beautiful afternoon, I was at my mate’s house afterschool with about 5 others, and we were playing football (soccer for the american folk) out in his frontyard. We finished a while later and, absolutely knackered, lay motionless on the grass. For some reason, I felt this burst of energy that needed to be relieved after a while, so I hopped onto my mate’s bicycle and started riding around the street adjacent to his house. I was picking up some pretty decent speed, and decided to bike in the direction of my mates who were now sitting on the steps in front of the house, and brake just before I hit them. Pretty routine thing, I’ve done this before. It was all just some good friendly banter, right? I started biking in their direction, and hit the brakes about 5 meters before so I could stop in time. To my misfortune, the brakes must have taken offense in my treatment of them and decided to just cease to exist. At this moment I knew I was fucked and tried to slow down with my feet, but to no avail. My mates managed to move out of the way last second, and my bike hit the steps just as I was in this awkward diagonal position trying to jump out of the way, which could honestly not have been worse. I fell forward onto the steps, the handle pressing against my abdomen, and heard a fair share of ‘what the fuck dude’ before it hit me. I felt a searing pain explode all the way up my genitals. It ran up my entire body and all color left my face. I jumped up and sprinted into the house and to the bathroom, for some reason deciding to yell ‘I THINK I CUT MY FUCKING COCK OFF’, much to the amusement of the others. This was obviously met with laughter that I could hear from the bathroom as I furiously tore my pants off which were drenched in blood. It was all a big fucking mess, blood coming from everywhere, but I had no idea if the johnson was still intact. I started yelling bloody murder, and his father ended up driving me to the hospital. That was the most bloody awkward and painful car ride of my life, I shit you not. End of the day, I had cuts and bruises all over my bishop, and my urethra decided to collapse on itself. I’m catheterized for a month or so, meaning I’m basically peeing through a tube up my dickhole. Apparently there could be permanent damage, but its too early to tell if my tallywhacker will ever be the same again. Oh, and my cunt ex decided to confess how she no longer has feelings for me that same day. And she wouldn’t believe me about my injury, thought I just wanted sympathy. Only gets better from here, lads :) TLDR: Broke my weiner

Reposting pokemon patterns in a bigger more organized post. Someday I will make more haha. FREE TO USE on your blog/video/etc!!!

I CAUGHT A GASTLY IN A FUCKING BURGER KING

182nd day of the year.

It’s 12pm.