digital journal

navigating through my sexuality and have a haunting feeling. my partner is a cis hetero man and i sometimes worry i’ll never get to really experience my queerness. obviously i am still queer, even when dating a cis-man, but idk. 

now that i am officially out, i think about my past a lot and how there were hints and clues to my queerness that i avoided and dismissed. even the smallest things like refusing to carry around a purse bc i did not want to be perceived as a girl, wearing strictly “boy” clothes for the first 14 years of my life and only stopped because my mother yelled at me for not “dressing like a girl”

my pronouns are they/she now, but i haven’t even told my parents that yet bc i know they’re going to say some weird shit about it, at least my dad will. i came out as queer to them and that didn’t phase them at all. or maybe i am being too harsh on how they would handle it, bc they are working on being more aware of pronouns and respecting them - i’ve noticed that and i appreciate it.

moving is scary. trying to just live is scary. ahhhH!

still here, still have hsv2. I started taking daily hsv2 medicine now that I am sexually active. I take one pill of Valacyclovir a day through a company called Nurx. You don’t need a provider or insurance or anything. Without insurance it is $25 per month, but I get a (3) month bottle so I don’t have to worry about it every month. 

So I will need to find a job and navigate my brain for what path I want to take in my career. I get really excited about food systems, so I think I will focus on that path. There are lots of non-profits and sustainability avenues to take where I am moving, so at least I have options! 

I find the most joy in taking photos and editing them. 

I find the most joy learning about haunted places and watching horror movies.

I find the most joy in learning about nature and how to help it.

I find the most joy in learning about holistic practices.

I find the most joy in doing fun things for myself/loving myself

I find the most joy in singing along to my favorite songs

I find the most joy in being silent and alone in a beautiful place where I can take it all in, such as outside on a fall afternoon in a comfy sweater listening to the wind. 

I find the most joy in learning about how I can solve things/big issues 

I find the most joy in discussions with people about things I like 

I went out of a town on a week-long trip to see my partner and the first night I was there I got into an accident. He was in the passenger seat with me. I ran a red light. Luckily minimal damage was done, my insurance can cover the other persons vehicle, and the other person wasn’t upset (it was actually really weird how understanding they were and how nice they were to me even tho I totaled his car). It is a situation that could have been so much worse, and I think about those alternative scenarios and hate myself for it.

For some context: we were at a metal show only a mile from his house. We could have even WALKED. But I’m 27, never been in an accident, and was confident in my abilities. I had two ciders over the course of 3 hours. Still enough to affect my judgment, I guess. I never run red lights, and I’m usually pretty cautious. 

It could have been a deadly mistake, but instead it became a lesson. A wake up call. A serious reason to re-evaluate my priorities. 

I’ve been down in the dumps, overthinking things, thinking I’m not good enough for this life, and these are of course no excuse, but living through this traumatic, idiotic mistake has motivated me to do better for myself. Only I can improve myself and my life. And I will. 

Here’s what I want to improve:

However, as we have learned and adapted from so many relationships after that first, we know we cannot depend on someone else. Not that we can't, but we shouldn't. This person is not here to fill a space. My spaces are full. I can tend to myself when they are away, and can be happy when they are away. In fact, we need that space, we need that solitude to bring the best version of myself to the table. And we know this is just the feeling of falling, and it is okay to embrace it and live the journey, but to also remember that it is not something that lasts forever.

Shortly after this pull, I re-encountered an old friend - jealousy. For no reason, really. Just my mind jumping to ridiculous conclusions, and even if these conclusions turn out to be true, I shouldn't be reacting in such a way from something that does not involve me and is a past life for this person.

I do not want to be that kind of person again, who lets envy ruin good things, so I need to do a bit of reflection and introspect to figure out why this potentially bothers me.

I disclosed to them about my hsv2 and they were super understanding and said they have friend with it so they know a bit about it, and still wanted to get intimate with me 🖤

I am still me, I can still accomplish many things, I am not alone, people still love me, I am still sexy and wanted, I will live on the same!

What's crazy is that 80-90% of ppl with hsv dont even know they have it! And since it's not part of the standard STD test, more ppl I know could have it without realizing it. Yet unfortunately you could still get a false negative if you haven't had a breakout yet. It's wild.

But let me explain why I didn't get diagnosed at first: It was during the middle of COVID and none of the testing sites had availability for a while in my area. My symptoms went away for a long time and I began to forget about it on and off, researching it, thinking it was maybe just a bad gluten reaction (as I'm gluten sensitive and can get side effects down there).

I made out with some people, but avoided sex that involved going near my genitals until I was sure what it was. One day I saw an ad for online test kits sent to your home (didn't know that was a thing) and ordered it. It was more expensive than the clinic, but I had saved up some money so I bought it and here we are.

Once I get the diagnosis I will tell my family too. I want to teach them about hsv and destigmatize it. I'll tell my friends too.

I'm scared everyone will reject me. I'm scared they'll be mean to me and call me dirty and disgusting. I'm scared they won't be understanding or reassuring at all.

And then there's this new person I'm talking to that I have to disclose to in a few days when I see them. It's so much!! I'm planning on telling them while we are watching a movie. There hasn't been any sexual tension yet, we are legitimately just getting to know each other which has been so nice. I'm not used to this. I'm so used to people wanting to get to know me sexually immediately, and I've always hated that. So that's why this disclosure is bothering me because this dynamic is something I haven't had in a long time. Just someone who is genuinely interested. Not in just my body. But ME. This also gives me hope that they won't care much for my diagnosis bc theyre interested in who I am as a person rather than having sex with me.

Scenario 1: have you ever had an STD/STI test? Have you had one for herpes? What were your results? If they have it, oh me too! If not: I have hsv2, have you heard of that before? If yes, I say: does knowing I have it change anything for you? If no, I say: well it's an incurable STI that really only shows up a few times a year. It's harmless, just annoying when you have an ob. I know exactly when an ob is coming so its easy to spot, and you don't have sex during an ob. But with no ob and without any protection, like a condom, the chance of you getting it is 10%. With medication it's 5%, and with medication and condoms it's only 1% transmissible, and I have both condoms and meds. And female to male transmission is less common than male to female. How does this info make you feel?

A few things could happen: they could reject me and say that's not a risk they want to take. And I'll say, that's totally understandable, we can be friends if that's ok with you!

They could reject me and be mean about it (calling me names and so on), but then they weren't worth my time anyway bc that's rude and just not someone I want to be with lol.

They could be concerned at first, think about it, then say they are willing to risk it.

They could say they don't care at all.

They could say they don't care bc they also have it.

So 3/5 positive reactions is still a good chance! And it's not the end of the world if they reject me!

Scenarios 2: Would you say this is something you want to keep doing? Talking to me and seeing where it goes? If yes, well you should know that I have HSV2, have you heard of it before? And repeat scenario 1. If no to continue talking + whatever reason, okay I understand. Thanks for telling me. And no need to disclose :)

Scenario 3: rip it off like a band aid.

I think we've gotten to a point where I feel I need to say that I have hsv.