i'm a loser, baby

‘thats probably fine’ is my favourite thing to say after seeing something that is incredibly obviously not fine. it is very played out and i will never ever stop doing it

bring out the pussy

*sound of a cart with squeaky wheels approaching*

Sometimes I feel like I’m only meant for myself

i'm both dumber and smarter than you think so don't underestimate me because i'm actually smart about a lot of stuff but also don't be surprised if i'm dumb about some other stuff hope that helps

please let me get that job in algae management

the idea that your friends won't like you if you're too weird is wrong you just need better friends for example one time I told a friend whenever I was losing my mind I laid down on the floor under my desk and stared at it until I was better and next time she visited me she taped a bag of salami snacks to the underside of my desk with a message saying "going insane all by yourself, handsome?" which I only saw months later when I had a breakdown. that's friendship.

I see you’re trapped in my gay and stupid maze again

you poor thing (derogatory) (sexual)

the tension between the genuine cleverness of the joke and the incompetence implied by putting it on two-sentence horror is what makes this for me