Beauty, Love and Starbucks

I don't know why I say I'm going to bed at this time. I don't sleep. All I think about is dying. I fight everyday against my depression but I don't win. Every single day I think about suicide. It's no ones fault. Not my family not my numerous exes. Not my friends. It's in my head. Every fucking day. I think about just giving up and dying. But I live on for those people because suicide is "selfish" or is it selfish for them to want to keep me here so fucking miserable in a brain that won't take to medications or therapy. Just a fucked up brain that won't give me peace. I'm trying so fucking hard but I just can't keep it up much longer. What is selfish and what is salvation?

Swear is it just in a mothers nature to body shame her children? Or is it just mine?