𝙔𝙀𝘼𝙍 𝙊𝙁 𝙏𝙃𝙀 𝘾𝙐𝙋

˖ ‧ ᯓ ☦︎ ▒ . ❘❘❘     ──── the professor watches , makes sure / @hollandeir is safe inside cabin before shutting the door .

walking across to the other side of the car should take less than a second , and his nerves almost kick into gear , making him blast across the ground so fast shane wouldn’t have been able to see him . ilya realizes just how much he is going to have to control himself around shane . diminishing his abilities has never been something he had to worry about too much , always being alone he could move as quickly as he wanted or move anything in his way without much thought . around this human , however , he would have to hold himself back , no matter how on edge he made him . the man takes a breath , unnecessary yet calming , before pulling open the door and getting into the driver's seat . 

the discomfort , the need to pull back , was satiated by his realization that with shane , he didn’t have to be alone anymore . his life had been a lonely one since he was turned all those years back in russia , finding fulfillment in teaching in an attempt to distance himself from humanity . he was a danger to them , and despite caring deeply for human kind , knew he could not stay away . they were his people , once . any connection he could make at arms length , any knowledge he could share , made each millisecond of resistance he placed upon himself that much more tolerable . his attempts to be selfless also made him feel less guilty for when he did indulge in human blood . the local drifter or a drunk man chasing after a girl in a dark alley . his ethics were complicated , he knew that , now being tested even more so by the man in his car . his student no less . another person had never even been inside his car before , let alone someone he carried affections for . turning his torso towards shane , ilya catches his scent as the heat kicks in , blowing the flush of his cheeks straight to his nose . his mouth waters at the temptation . ──── ❛ listen . if you come over , you cannot .. tell anyone about it . i would get fired . you would be withdrawn . Это такая грёбаная тупость . what are you going to say if someone finds out ?  ❜ a test . class was in session : was it worth it to shane like it was worth it to ilya ?

˖ ‧ ᯓ ☦︎ ▒ . ❘❘❘     ──── the words wash over the pair in the gentle , comforting silence of their room . hugging / @hollandeir close to his side , ilya falls to the wayside of his boyfriend , pulling him to his chest . 

a hand goes to his dark hair first , the second finding his back to run up and down his spine in auspicious repetition . he knows shane full well , when he’s reached his limits and when he needs to be held together . so ilya will hold him , press kisses to his hair , and keep him from falling apart . the flack they got for simply existing with each other was what they had worked so hard to avoid by keeping everything so under wraps , but when the people you thought you could trust let you down , it does not draw any comfort to the cause . they were not going to figure it all out in a day , after all this was both of their first times navigating something so fragile . but in each other’s arms , they could find comfort that only the other could provide . squeezing his arms tightly in a reassuring grip , ilya nods his head with a whispered ‘mhm’ at shane’s request . his own eyes feeling tired , heart apathetic to anything but the man he loved , ilya sinks into the pillow with lips pressed to shane’s hair . 

❛ we will talk to him . and he will understand . maybe not now ,  but someday . and if he does not , then he will miss out on being friends with the most special man on this stupid earth . and at that point , let him . he does not deserve you any way .  ❜      the night had been so emotional , tasted like salt from tears and spit . ilya never meant it to get this far from his grasp . what started as a joke spiraled into something very real , something they would both have to learn . there was no fear , however . with shane , there was nothing he could not get through , this he was confident in . when things got hard , and they most likely would continue to get increasingly so , as long as he had this to return home to at the end of it all , each and every bump in the road would be insignificant . sometimes , the fish did feel too big to fry , especially when it came to delicate things like friendships or his teammates . ilya simply refused to let these things be the things that tore down the strongest person he knew . ────  ❛ whatever you need . i am here . just rest now , moya malysh . понял тебя . ❜

˖ ‧ ᯓ ☦︎ ▒ . ❘❘❘     ──── before he speaks again , ilya dips down to press a kiss to / @hollandeir’s mouth .

 ❛ i love you , my shane . ❜      there is nothing better than kissing shane . a way to show that he was loved and adored without saying      anything else just by touching shane’s perfect , pink lips with his own . ilya had made it a habit to cover shane in them in his lower moments . his eyebrow , his lids , the tips of his fingers , the crook of his elbows — all the unorthodox places that normally didn’t get kissed , just to let him know that ilya cared for every inch of him . he likes to keep their eyes locked when he does it , just to make sure his boyfriend  knew he was loved in his entirety , and that nothing he had to say would ever fall on deaf ears . so now , he lines shane’s face with pecks , trailing across his cheeks and edge of his chin . when he’s finally satisfied , which he doesn’t think will ever really  happen , he could have kissed shane forever , he pulls back to look at him . a thumb running along freckles , fingers brushing hair behind his ear . 

❛ i can talk to him . or come with you . i am your boyfriend . maybe he needs to see that more . that i am not going anywhere . ❜      ilya feels a pang in his chest suddenly . everything would be so much easier if they could just see how they were together , how they made each other better versions of themselves . not because they were lesser without the other one , but because they lifted each other up in ways others didn’t . they recognized each other beyond the reputations , the expectations, beyond the carefully maintained facades . it’s times like this where the russian just wishes he could go out and claim shane . letting the world know would save them from as much grief as it would cause , it was just deciding which was the lesser of two evils . ──── ❛ is not our job to explain ourselves to him .   so i will do whatever you think is best . i do not care what he thinks about me , but i will not let him think bad about you because you are with me .  ❜

˖ ‧ ᯓ ☦︎ ▒ . ❘❘❘     ──── @hollandeir   asked    ( ❛ 𝚒 𝚌𝚊𝚗 𝚌𝚘𝚖𝚎 𝚘𝚟𝚎𝚛, 𝚒𝚏 𝚢𝚘𝚞 𝚍𝚘𝚗'𝚝 𝚠𝚊𝚗𝚝 𝚝𝚘 𝚋𝚎 𝚊𝚕𝚘𝚗𝚎. ❜ ( 𝚝𝚠𝚒𝚕𝚒𝚐𝚑𝚝 ) )   from  ⤵  𝔱𝔥𝔦𝔰 𝔭𝔯𝔬𝔪𝔭𝔱 !

it wasn’t a smart idea . they probably both know it . but the thought of shane being anywhere but his apartment wasn’t settling well with ilya . he could be safe there . the truth was , shane was fragile in comparison to other things out there . on his own turf , he was the strongest mortal among them . beyond the trees and the fog that settled over the moss covered ground were things much more inclined to break his neck than another hockey player . the vampire still wasn’t sure if it was just him that was drawn to the scent of shane , or if others of his kind found him just as sweet . and while it wasn’t his job to protect him , and he was sure shane would argue that too , ilya selfishly wanted to . ilya nods stoically then motions to his car with his head , pulling open the passenger side door . ──── ❛ get in .  ❜

˖ ‧ ᯓ ☦︎ ▒ . ❘❘❘     ──── ilya just shakes his head . there was no world where anything / @hollandeir did would be too much .

ilya is certain he could have been wearing jeans and a tshirt and he would have felt the same need to press his boyfriend against the door and take in every inch of him with his hungry gaze .      ────      ❛ i see . julian is a very good friend . ❜ dropping his hands to his side , ilya’s fingers find shane’s hips and steps closer , as close as he can , using his waist as an anchor point as he draws closer to him . the bareness of their stomachs graze , and ilya can feel his breath hitch as he lowers his nose to poke gently into shane’s . despite it being julian’s idea , and ilya would have to thank him later for this one , the fact that shane was willing to even don something so outside of his comfort zone for him was enough to make him want to skip the party all together and drag shane down to his room . ──── ❛ no . is not too much . no sweater . if you get cold , you will have me . ❜

licking his lips , eyes locked to shane’s , he considers just how lucky he is for a moment . the odds of him finding someone to house his affections within this small town were slim to none , and not in his plans when he left russia to come to silver falls . ilya had gone west looking for distance . distance from his family . distance enough to imagine a future that belonged to him , whether that meant chasing professional hockey or finding himself at college instead . the last thing he'd expected was to meet someone capable of unraveling him without ever seeming to try . least of all another man . his attraction to men had never frightened him . it was simply another truth about himself , one he'd quietly indulged whenever the opportunity arose , never attaching much weight to it beyond the moment . so when he first met shane , the possibility hadn't even crossed his mind . not because shane wasn't beautiful enough to inspire it , but because ilya had never imagined someone like him could ever look back and want him the same way . but he was just going to add that to the list of things that shane did that surprised him . pushing forward , ilya lightly presses his lips to shane’s , breathing deeply through his nose as his hands rise up and scale his torso . 

he thinks shane is right . there is no way that anyone wouldn’t know shane was with him . ilya planned on being on shane’s arm all night , dragging each other along and pretending that anyone other than each other mattered in that moment . the way ilya looked at shane left little to the imagination . it was clear , they belonged to each other . something in the way ilya's expression softened made it impossible to mistake the look for anything other than affection . and the way that look could change to something more sinister if anyone got any wrong ideas about who he was with was lingering just behind that one . feeling his cross necklace reposition into place , ilya just smiles into the kiss , the adorable habit of his boyfriend bringing him right back down to earth from the heights that the kiss brought him . ilya reaches up to brush shane’s hair delicately behind his ear , admiring the newfound  length and the way it frames his eyes .      ────      ❛ i love this hair . my boyfriend is very handsome , i would not blame them if they did look ..  ❜ pressing another gentle kiss to his lips , ilya pulls shane’s hips toward him in one last effort to fluster him with a rough grind , before patting his cheek gently .      ────      ❛ we should go . ❜

❛ you're gonna bring another sweater? ❜ shane asks in a hopeful tone, not understanding what ilya is trying to say at first, their bare skin pressed against each other not the initial thought he has when it comes to staying warm. only when he looks at ilya ( really looks at him ) does he comprehend what those words mean. ❛ o-oh, ❜ he stutters out, flustered beyond belief at how ilya constantly keeps him on his toes. no one else has ever been able to hold his attention like this. with those mischievous eyes and smooth delivery of now constant flirtation, shane doesn't know how he isn't a puddle of melted goo most of the time when they're in the same room. he's the luckiest guy in the world.

˖ ‧ ᯓ ☦︎ ▒ . ❘❘❘     ──── the words that fall from / @hollandeir’s lips making ilya sigh dreamily .

he’s staying . he was willing to go out of his way , maybe even get in trouble with his mom , to spend more of his time with him . ilya isn’t sure what good will he did in this life to warrant such grace from the universe in the form of shane hollander , but here , holding shane close to him , he isn’t in a place to question it . he rather press more kisses to his cheeks , feel the way his skin warms when he touches it , lace their legs together in closeness . ilya knew shane’s time was valuable . he was always practicing , always working to improve himself , so getting even a fraction of it made ilya’s insides feel like goo . his stomach does a flip , dips down and jumps back up to his heart , at the mere concept of spending the night with shane . the last time they spent the night together , ilya had laid himself bare , confessed his own affections and let shane know he was safe enough to confess his own as well too . the memory makes ilya reel all over again , the fact that they cared about each other as more than friends finally revealed . 

❛ good . you are not escaping me that easily .  ❜      is all he can manage to say between kisses . ilya cannot remember ever feeling this intimate with someone . enough of his nights were filled with companions , but he managed to escape their bed before the sun came up and had to answer to them . it was probably shitty , he knew that , but none of those people mattered now . all that mattered was this dark haired boy and how much he could press his lips to any exposed skin . he planned on memorizing every inch of shane with his lips . his hands . his eyes . ilya pulls him close one last time , tucking shane’s head under his chin , nuzzling his nose into the dark strands of his hair .

˖ ‧ ᯓ ☦︎ ▒ . ❘❘❘     ──── ilya watches with keen eyes as / @hollandeir types away on his phone . 

longingly , he takes a sip from his glass , coating his tongue with the sharp flavor . holding it in his mouth for a second , he reaches for his own phone when the notification sends a vibration across his thigh and swallows the wine down hard . he moves his gaze long enough only to read the message before returning the phone back to his pocket , pupils now blown at the words shane had sent him from across the table . maybe it was because it was over text , because they had to keep this part of their evening a secret . or maybe it was just that it was shane who sent it . it hardly mattered . all ilya knew was that his boyfriend would get exactly what he asked for . it was a nonfactor to whatever else happened , ilya would drive shane home after dinner , give shane his presents , and then worship him like the first time they got together . it all floods back in fleeting blips  — he can remember his thumb in shane’s mouth . and the way shane’s jaw dropped as he breathed as he watched ilya's body . the feeling of their chests pressed together . as if he could ever forget the moment that the trajectory of his life changed forever . goosebumps rise on his arms as his stomach finally settles and he sets the glass down before extending his hand across the table to shake shane’s hand . this was a business dinner , after all . ──── ❛ i think we can arrange that , partner . ❜

all ilya can do is shake his head . he had asked with iron resolve what shane had wanted from him tonight for weeks . if it was ilya , he would have asked for something crazy , like sex outside or maybe just to watch shane get off . perhaps that was what he was expecting from shane . of course , it was something unexpected and absolutely perfect . ilya coughs a bit to clear his throat of nonexistent debris and rather to try to recenter himself . his mind is still flooded with visions of shane , then and now , and how they might be similar in action , but completely different in emotion . before , ilya knew he was attracted to shane from the moment he saw him , but their hook up was simply based on that mutual longing alone . it seemed entirely possible that ilya found shane fetching even then , still then he never expected anything to come from it . nothing had ever come from any of ilya’s other prospects . it was just like shane to spin the whole thing on it’s head and become the object of every single one of ilya’s affections for the rest of forever . god . he loved him so much . it feels like fire , how  he wants to scream it some days , the way it burns up his throat and into his head . 

his fingers feel it too . they’d do anything to reach across the table and grab his lover’s hand , entwine the fingers , and bring them to his lips . instead , he shoves another piece of bread into his mouth to quench it and reaches to fiddle with the curl near his ear . he pushes the salad toward shane again , urging him to eat .       ────      ❛ i have gifts for you too . two of them . it took me a while to figure out what to get you . so you have to like them . is hard to get you something when your favorite thing is houses . have you thought about getting a simpler hobby ? ❜

he takes ilya's rhetorical question to heart, scoffing. nothing he hasn't heard before, even his parents often wondering what on earth to get him for each birthday and christmas. the truth is, shane would be perfectly content with just getting a pair of new socks, so long as they're not too tight on his toes or ankles. ❛ why was it hard? i still read a lot, you know. you could've gotten me a book and that would've been fine. or a new blender. ❜ preferably one that can handle making his daily breakfast smoothies. ❛ now i'm a little worried about what the presents are, if it took you forever to pick them. ❜ worried is a slight exaggeration, but shane is curious. no doubt it will be either something sentimental or practical, ilya knowing him well enough by now to pick up on the things shane will actually appreciate. eating in silence, he watches his boyfriend from across the table and tries to focus on the gift aspect of their after dinner plans rather than the request he'd made over text. those desires can wait until they're safe and completely alone.

˖ ‧ ᯓ ☦︎ ▒ . ❘❘❘      ──── ilya just laughs , smiling wide as his hands press on top of / @hollandeir's while they make their way across his chest . 

his boyfriend makes a solid point . shane never had to try to turn ilya on , a blessing and a curse . ilya can remember all those years ago , when their meetings were months apart , how he would think about shane wearing his matching pajama sets and go all fuzzy in the head from the thought . shane didn’t even wear pajama sets , ilya knew that now , but the thought of something so mundane and domestic drove ilya insane . and to think this was back when ilya was more debaucherous . the things that got him going back then would slowly melt away into thoughts of a stupid man in glasses reading up on long dead goalies . shane wasn’t even a goalie , but he was still so curious and hungry for knowledge . even back then , ilya ponders , he was in love . he was screwed from the moment shane walked up to him in that stupid alley in his stupid hat with his stupid freckles . he was screwed now , screwed happily ,  forever . ──── ❛ no i would not ! i do not even like you that much . i am barely even attracted to you .  ❜

the kisses on his nose make his head lull to the front of his chest , chin touching his collar bone in defeat . he could say whatever he wanted about shane and lie about how he felt to poke fun at his boyfriend , but the truth was that he was everything to him . in whatever world a kiss on the nose would unravel ilya rozanov , that is the world he wants to live in . a low whine escapes his mouth as shane teases him about not going out to find a location for their freshly planned endeavors . ilya knows as much as shane how much they are going to need these moments of respite in each other’s bodies after all those hours of having to ignore the itch to touch . he also knows that , despite their constant promises of not giving in , they would give each other anything they wanted . and ilya wanted to go look for a spot with his gorgeous , post sex boyfriend . rolling his head back with a barely pouting lip , ilya’s hands reach forward from where they were atop of shane’s to rest on his knees instead . ──── ❛ get us shirts . i will start truck . ❜      pressing a long and lingering kiss to the corner of shane's lips and a playful slap to his thigh , ilya quickly bolts up from his spot to go search for his keys .

˖ ‧ ᯓ ☦︎ ▒ . ❘❘❘      ──── before ilya even knows what he’s doing , he’s shifting his weight to roll , / @hollandeir now pressed underneath him while his hand moves to caress his face .

his expression verges on offended — furrowed brows and confusion . lose this ? it is an unfathomable concept for ilya . running a thumb along his freckles , ilya moves his head to take in every angle of his boyfriend’s face . just drinking him in for a moment , ilya gulps , blinking away tears from his hazel eyes . not being with shane was never something he ever even considered . once he moved his life , restarted in a new country ( again ) , and buried his soul with this man , there was no undoing it . any life where they were not together was not one the russian was interested in . his life was intrinsically intertwined with shane’s now , and would be forever . in some far off land where they happened to not be with each other anymore , ilya knows his heart would never belong to anyone else . it had belonged to shane from the moment they met and it struck ilya how it was not a want to not lose each other , but a need . they could not want it until all of the stars flickered from the sky but that did not change the fact that it was simply impossible . ilya softens , hearing shane describe not being able to be around ilya , even when he was being lazy and annoying . his heart blooms for a moment before leaning in to press a kiss to shane’s eyebrow . 

❛ you will not . we will not . you will never lose me . do you understand ? ❜      it become deadly serious for a moment , because , to ilya , this was something he was willing to stake his whole heart on . ──── ❛ Я твой . Я принадлежу тебе . not harris . not the centaurs . my place is with you , shane . it always has been . i think we both know this .  ❜      ilya’s lips linger for a moment , millimeters from shane’s as the words spill out before he even has time to think . he was not known for being necessarily vulnerable with his words , but the times he does commit to expressing how he feels , it implied the level of earnestness . cut from his heart , he’s willing to lay everything out on the line if it meant shane would feel secure . ──── ❛ and unfortunately it would be very expensive to ship me back to russia . and the closing costs after selling my house ?  it would be a fucking nightmare . i am going to play games on my phone in bed at full volume and annoy you for the rest of forever . got it , hollander ? ❜

sheer awe radiates from the look shane gives ilya, so much love in his heart that he feels like he would float away if his boyfriend weren't currently pinning his body down to the bed. he rolls his eyes at ilya's silly excuses, no doubt another attempt at lightening the mood. shane likes to pretend this annoys him, but the truth is that no one's ever loved him enough to even try and ease his mind this way. it reminds him of the day they'd been caught by shane's father at the cottage, ilya poking fun at the situation while shane panicked in his arms. the strategy had worked back then too, getting shane to break out of his spiraling for a second and find his way out.

this was different. whatever shane was experiencing, was clearly beyond his comprehension. however, ever since he had moved here, his dreams had been... off. he had never known how to interpret them, but now things were starting to slowly piece together.

❛ i don't think it's that i'm turning into one... it's not from their point of view. it's like i'm next to them, in that place. wherever they're escaping from, to come here. ❜ the thought sends a shiver up his spine. shane's flight response has never felt stronger. to have those creatures migrate from whatever plane of existence they prowl on and end up where he and his loved ones are makes him sick to his stomach with worry.

˖ ‧ ᯓ ☦︎ ▒ . ❘❘❘     ──── ilya pokes his tongue into his inner cheek to stop himself from smiling when / @hollandeir says he will get a club sandwich .

it would be a lie to say that shane indulging in something as simple as a sandwich in a diner didn’t make him extremely happy , but it did . the truth was that ilya had spent the last few years worried about shane . he was eating , obviously , and he wasn’t going to wither away into nothing anytime soon . but the restrictiveness of the entire “macrobiotic diet” obviously weighed on him . not his body , but his mind . constantly thinking and worrying that one misstep would ruin everything he worked towards when in reality , the inability to let himself enjoy food was what was taking him down . half the time ilya didn’t want to bring it up , feeling like a hypocrite for questioning someone else’s mental health while not caring for his own . but that was a long time ago , and they were both working on being better for themselves but also for each other . ilya is so proud . proud and lucky and all the gross things he feels about shane . that was probably why he was staring too . ──── ❛ нет ,  you are very pretty . that is my only problem . ❜

when the server approaches , ilya orders himself a double cheeseburger with everything and a side of onion rings . after shane orders , ilya also requests the milkshake for the two of them to share , playing it safe with vanilla . halfway tipsy still , ilya almost wishes he push his back against the wall and drape his legs across his husband so he never has to stop staring  . feeling brave on liquid courage , he actually does , not caring who looks , driven alone on the need to be touching shane as much as possible . it was a diner at midnight , it wasn’t out of the question that someone would be acting flirty in a booth with their partner . back now tucked pleasantly against the wall , ilya rests his arm on the table and the other fiddles with a curl on the side of his head .       ────      ❛ you would just want to stare at my mouth . ❜

smirking , almost elated , ilya hitches his heel under shane’s thigh to pull him as close as he can before laying his legs back on top of shane’s thighs . the waitress returns with their milkshake , unbothered by their new seating arrangement , and before he can even take a sip , he reaches for the cherry off the pile of whipped cream off the top . he makes a show of what happens next , dangling the cherry above his tongue before taking it in his lips , licking all of the whipped cream off , before eating the red fruit . his eyes never leave his husband , moving his mouth slowly as he chews and licking hip lips .       ────      ❛ watch and learn , hollander . you will be reading all of this and then you will be weeping . ❜ putting the stem in his mouth , ilya works it with his tongue to get the tiny thing into a loop . slipping the end through the middle with his teeth , ilya reaches for shane’s hand , holding it outstretched and open to receive the stem . pinching the end in his front teeth , ilya pulls the other end with his finger to tighten the knot before depositing it into his husband's hand . this party trick could be attributed to his club rat era , needing to impress randoms at the drop of a hat . worked every time . placing a straw into the milkshake , ilya slides the tall glass over to shane .       ────      ❛ i told you . cексуально , да ? you try first .  ❜

❛ no fucking way, ❜ shane laughs, looking down at the cherry stem on his palm. he shouldn't be surprised, really. if anyone is going to pull out a random skill and execute it perfectly, it's ilya. just another one of those things that excites shane about their relationship ... the fact that they have never once stopped learning new things about each other. ❛ how the fuck did you do that? actually, how the fuck did you learn to do that? ❜