hiding in my sketchbook

"It's like I'd known you all along I knew you before we met And I don't even know you yet 

All I know's you're someone I have always known"

they make me start frothing at the mouth and punching drywall thanks for asking <3

sleeping on the same bed with feitan isn’t a very great experience.

even though you guys lived in the same house, you slept in separate rooms since you guys never saw the point of sharing a room.

there was more space for yourself, you guys had different aesthetics, and you had a spare room anyways, so why not sleep separately?

well, your routine broke after a few weeks.

sometimes in the middle of the night, you wake up to feitan standing next your bed, quite literally staring at your sleeping form.

you would’ve thought he was about to murder you if he wasn’t doing this almost daily.

“...fei?...what do you want?” you mumbled groggily.

if it weren’t for the dark room, you would’ve seen the faintest pink on his cheeks.

“sleep. next to you.” he said in his raspy voice.

the first time he asked this, you thought a skinwalker took over his body—though, those thoughts quickly disappeared when he could probably kill one in his sleep.

you lifted your warm blanket, inviting him—along with the cold wind—to hop in, which he did immediately.

he latched around your body tightly like a koala, drifting into sleep. you worried that he would suffocate you in your sleep during the first few days.

during the time you slept together, you learnt that he was quite a deep sleeper and had an amazing grip…

when you had to wake up to go to the bathroom, you had to get through feitan first. your body was bound by feitan’s arms, so you could barely move.

you were shocked by how strong his hold on you was despite being asleep. a normal person would obviously be relaxed when deep asleep. well, feitan wasn’t really a normal person.

you had to jab him in the stomach with your elbow as hard as you could just so he would wake up. that definitely triggered his reflexes because he had a hand to your throat immediately after that.

contrary to belief, feitan also shifts around instead of sleeping like a corpse.

you learnt that the hard way when you woke up in the middle of the night in a headlock. you had to jab him with your elbow again, praying his grasp on you wouldn’t tighten.

the things you endure just to sleep with the man you love…

it must have been equally terrifying for her as it was for the real nikki to have someone else fight for control over what she perceived as her body. the scene where she's sobbing in the corner, terrified of her dreams is now more sad than terrifying to me. real nikki, who has just been raped by her once best friend hurting so badly that it seeps into entity!nikki's nightmares. entity!nikki who doesn't understand why the thing she wanted so badly is causing her so much pain. why she can't bring herself to lie in bed next to the man who is the center of her world.

and the worst part is bear doesn't even seem to like her. she's trying so so hard; she made a lovely memorial for his dead cat, she waited for him to come home all day without moving an inch, she made sure to be the most doting girlfriend at the party, and he's not pleased by any of it. he seems disturbed and angry and scared and she has no idea what to do to make it better. to make it worse, he keeps asking her to behave like the original nikki but he was the one who wished for her!! she can't be like nikki because nikki was simply not capable of loving bear even a fraction of how much she does!

she can't seem to reconcile it; he wanted her so badly he conjured her into reality and now he doesn't want her anymore. she doesn't know what to do. she tries everything. she obsesses over him, she threatens to hurt herself, she gets rid of that bitch sarah who keeps distracting him and trying to steal him away, and then dresses in her clothes for good measure and he still doesn't want her.

and then finally in a fit of desperation, she makes the wish and for one beautiful moment its all perfect. he's finally looking at her the way she looks at him. and then he's dead and she's lost everything.

and then the real nikki speaks to him. and she begs him to kill her. she is so scared. don't wake her up please dont wake her up just kill me. and bear gets angry. he doesn't even apologise. he doesn't care about nikki's true feelings. he WANTS her to be obsessed with him, he just doesn't want her to do it in such an ugly and inconvenient way. he lashes out at her. "What would be so bad? What's so bad about being with me?".

it has never been about her. if it was, bear wouldn't have been satisfied about living with a girl who's only resemblance to nikki was her body. he turned her life into a living hell. in fact, he turned TWO girl's lives into a living hell. because the entity was miserable too. she was created exclusively to love a person who would never love her back. who never cared about her.

and he never once considers how it affected nikki. he gets scared of the entity acting weird and creepy but the moment the real nikki begs him for a shred of sympathy, for just a bit of mercy. he doesn't care. he only cares about the fact she won't reciprocate his feelings. he only cares about how she can satisfy him.

it was the turning point of the movie that made me realise that there was never any justifying his actions. it re-contextualises everything. he was content with nikki's suffering as long as it brought him pleasure. as long as it soothed his ego. as long as it was convenient. and for as much as he talked about being in love with her, all he cared about was her body. the entity was an entirely different girl, all she had was nikki's face and body. if he ever truly loved nikki like he claimed, he would have been deeply disturbed by the personality change. but he never was. he was only ever disturbed by the creepy things specifically. but the palatable changes? the way she talks, the way she expresses herself, what she does in her free time, how she dresses? all of that was gone. different. a whole new person. yet he didn't give a single fuck.

I think Togashi does an incredible job building his characters, especially in how they interact with one another. To me one of the most fascinating dynamics is between Chrollo and Kurapika. Not just because of their conflict, but because of how similar their circumstances are.

Both lost someone dear to them, and that loss became the breaking point that set them on their respective paths of revenge. In dedicating themselves entirely to that pursuit, revenge became their purpose, their reason for moving forward. But once their target was gone, they were left with a void. What happens when the thing that has defined your existence is no longer there? This might explain why Chrollo rarely speaks of his own motives, because even he doesn’t fully understand them.

This same question applies to the Phantom Troupe as a whole. I believe their og purpose was to avenge Sarasa, to eliminate the threat that had taken her from them which helped Meteor City as a whole. But once that was accomplished they had no more purpose, they simply continued doing what they knew—stealing, taking what they wanted. Over time, each member found their own path, only regrouping for major missions. But without revenge driving them forward, their existence seems more of a cycle than a journey.

This lack of direction may have affected Chrollo more than he lets on. Throughout the Yorknew arc, there's a stark contrast between how he acts with the Troupe and how he behaves when he's on his own. Would he have turned out differently if his friends hadn’t chosen him as their leader? If they hadn’t pushed him toward the darkness that was revenge, could he have been more like Kurapika, someone with grief, but also with a tether to something beyond it?

This contrast isn’t just reflected in his actions but in his very appearance. With the Troupe, his hair is slicked back. stiff, controlled, a perfect reflection of his persona. He presents himself as calculated, enigmatic, and systematic, his expressions so subtle they reveal almost nothing. But when he’s alone (+ when he was with Neon) his hair is down, and it seems so is his guard. He smiles freely, openly discusses his friends, and even cries when mourning Uvo’s death. But when the moment calls for it, he is able to act without hesitation, as seen when he knocks Neon out and calls for an ambulance, slipping effortlessly into the role required of him.

So then, was the emotion he displayed genuine? Did he truly feel those emotions, or was it simply another layer of his performance? does he even know so himself?

This ambiguity ties into how Chrollo sees himself. He rarely identifies as part of the human experience, instead positioning himself as an observer—like a scientist studying the people around him as subjects.Growing up in Meteor City, where worth had to be self-defined, he may have decided early on that rather than accept the world’s view of him as “less than human,” he would remove himself from that category entirely. But rather than seeing himself as "less than," he sees himself as beyond it.

mt prompto you will always be famous to me

no text/ effects ver: