Raven's Den

I do everything I can to make friends and maintain relationships and it seems it’s never enough? Or am I too much?

Seemed easier when I was manic and hypersexual and drinking all the time to cope, everyone seemed to want to spend time with me because I would fuck them. As that wound down and I tried to focus on actually growing more as a person and needed a little less chaos suddenly everyone is gone? No one to go walk around with, no one to go grab a coffee and sit in a park with, was the only part of me worth being around my personality while actively participating in addiction and relying on using my body to keep people around?

Is struggling with mental health because low barrier therapy is such a struggle to access and I can’t afford to just go to any therapist that could take me an issue? Because holy fuck I’m trying my best to keep it all together but it’s so so hard.

I reach out to people who I’ve known for years and get ignored, which makes it terrifying to reach out to anyone because if people I’ve shared meals with, shared sorrows and joy with, shared intimacy and vulnerability with don’t want anything to do with me then how are these new people going to react?

I get my life is a bit of a mess, struggling with unemployment in the worst job market in my lifetime, trying to find stable and safe housing, but does that make me hard to be around? Does it remind people that life can change for them after one single company downsizing and they could end up like me?

It’s not all bad. Things could be worse. Things HAVE been worse. I’ll make it through this like I’ve made it through every rough patch in my life, tired and bruised and scraped up with blood in my mouth from screaming through the bullshit, I just need a break, some community, and to let out so much shit I’ve had to shoulder for so long..

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