I wish I was the Queen Consort

You grew up in the isolated countryside, surrounded by acres and acres of land and a household of servants who were under strict orders not to speak with you. When you were five, the only friend you had died during a small outbreak of pox, which was around the same time your parents started to restrict who came near your estate. Because of this, no one back in the countryside would be writing to you. Perhaps an old school friend sent you a rare letter, though they wouldn’t have the address for the city house, only the country estate.

There was no reason for a letter to arrive addressed to you. So when the butler handed you the letter at the breakfast table, your mother gasped and plucked it out of your hand before you could even open it.

Her eyes narrowed on the wax seal. "It's the double eagles."

"What does the puppy prince want now?" Your father looked over his morning paper, vaguely interested in the contents of the letter as he sipped at his morning tea.

"He's the king, father," you quietly chided. He just waved you off.

Your mother cracked open the seal and started reading. You wanted to grab it back from her--seeing as it was your letter--but you merely stood from your seat and hurried to her side of the table so you could read over her shoulder. 

"He was serious about helping her find a new fiance," your mother said as she read. 

You glanced at the first few lines, confirming her information. Then she gasped and set down the letter. You craned over her shoulder to understand what had scandalized her.

I wish to discuss what exactly you are looking for and to get to know you better before I help you find a match. As such, I would like you to have tea and luncheon with me in the Grand Palace on Saturday at noon. But only you--I do not wish to hear your parents’ talking.

"He's invited her to the palace. Alone." 

Your father set down his cup. His eyes flitted up to you.

Your mother tsked, looking at him. "She can't go. She'll ruin us if she goes. She'll let it slip, I just know she will."

"I won't tell him." You swore, eyes pleading with your father. "You know I won't."

"Look at her, she'll crumble and tell him everything," your mother said, her face tensing up as she glared at you.

He paused in consideration, crossing his arms. You stepped closer to him.

"Father," you said calmly. "It's my reputation on the line as much as it is the family's. I won't tell him or anyone else for that matter."

He scrutinized your eyes a moment longer, then he returned his attention to his newspaper. "You can go. But be back by two o'clock. No later."

Your mother sat up in her seat, seeming like she wanted to say something, but a glance from your father made her think twice. You grabbed your letter and envelope from in front of her and waltzed back to your place at the table. You quickly hugged your father's shoulders on the way to your seat.

……….

The last time you were at the Grand Palace, you were twelve and terrified. Your spine was as stiff as granite as Lord and Lady Antonov guided you into the throne room. You'd been lectured from this way to that as you got ready that day all those years back. 

"Keep your hands folded, and your mouth shut," your mother said as she fussed over your hair that morning. "Don't give yourself away by speaking commonly, girl. Be a proper lady."

You could still remember how her hands threateningly tightened in your hair as she started to braid it.

"The saints will pity you if you are not believed, daughter, but they will pity you more for what I will do to you if the royal family sees through you."

That was many years ago. But despite how the time had ticked, despite how you had grown and gone across the sea and back since then, you still felt like a nervous kid as you stood in the Grand Palace.

You stared at a painting in the palace's main drawing room. It was just a study of a vase packed with flowers, yet your eyes eagerly traced the purple petals and green leaves. You tried to imagine painting such a thing, although you’d never had an iota of artistic ability. You were only desperate to distract yourself from your impending meeting.

Suddenly the doors to the drawing room opened and Nikolai stepped inside.

"My apologies for being late. I was in the Fabrikator lab and there was a small crisis to be dealt with." He gave a suave smile. "Fire's out now, though."

"You started a fire?" You raised a brow.

His nose scrunched as he chuckled, "Well, not intentionally. Please, sit."

You smiled and sat down on one of the couches. Nikolai sat across from you, pouring two cups of tea.

"Sugar? Milk?" He asked as his hands hovered over the tea tray.

"Three sugars and a splash of milk, please," you replied.

"You like your tea sweet, then?" He glanced at you, making your eyes flit down to your lap.

"I didn't have many sweets growing up. Tea was always the one place I could get away with adding as much sugar as I wanted. And now my taste for tea is permanently skewed sweeter than everyone else I know."

"Nonsense," he smirked as he handed you your teacup and saucer, "everyone else's tastes are just too bitter and boring. Personally, I go for one sugar and as much milk as will fit before overflowing. But truth be told, I much prefer coffee to tea." 

"Me too," you smiled a bit. A thought came to you, and you spoke, "There was this coffee shop at the university of Ketterdam that served the best coffee. It was sweet and light all while keeping a rich flavor; I still don’t know how they accomplished that."

Nikolai sighed contently as if imagining the taste of what you've described. "Yes, Kerch coffee is leagues ahead of what we make here in Ravka, isn't it?"

"Must be the high demand of all their bankers and businesspeople," you remarked, making Nikolai chuckle softly.

"Must be."

The conversation lulled for a moment, and you noticed a bit of ash on Nikolai's otherwise pristine jacket cuff.

"So… that fire that you didn't start intentionally?" You inquired with a light tone.

He scrunched his nose again. "Yes?"

"Were you looking at some Fabrikator invention in their lab when you accidentally made it catch fire?"

"No, actually," he chuckled. "The Fabrikators were helping me work on an idea I had for a thermal converter, something that could be implemented throughout Ravkan homes to help heat houses in the winter.”

“That’s an admirable invention.” You furrowed your brow and paused for a moment. “Would it work independently of a fireplace?”

“No, it would work in tandem,” He explained. “There would be pipes connected to the fireplace that would then run along the house either on the walls or beneath the floorboards.”

“Tungsten pipes?”

“Yes. Tungsten or–”

“Nickel.”

He blinked at you. “Exactly. How did you know that?”

“I studied advanced physics at the University; we had engineering classes where we had to design and build different inventions. I designed a motorized plough but the machinations kept burning through the metals so I needed to find the best metals. In my research I found that Nickel and tungsten have high melting points. Ergo, nickel and tungsten can withstand the heat of your pipes.”

He watched you for a moment, smiling. You watched back. 

Men are frightened by smart women. Your mother’s words echoed in your mind.

But Nikolai wasn’t frightened. He wasn’t put off by your intellect. He sat there smiling at you for a second longer, then he set down his teacup and leaned forward in his seat.

“Two things,” he said with a bright glint in his eye. “One: did that machinated plough of yours work?”

You nodded. “Quite well, actually. I've tried to get my father to implement it on our estate and in our region’s farms, but he’s reluctant. He thinks it’s a fool’s tool.”

“Well Lord Antonov must be wrong. I can’t imagine anything you make would be worthy of such low-esteem. If you still have the designs, I would love to share them with the Fabrikators.”

You smiled. “I have the designs.”

“Excellent.”

Again, he watched you for a second, a light expression on his face.

“What was the second thing?” you asked.

“Oh, yes,” he grinned. “Two: would you like to come see the Fabrikator workshop?”

"Absolutely." You grinned back.

……….

The workshop was its own slice of heaven. All the machinery and pending inventions called to you as Nikolai and the Fabrikators gave you a tour. You could have stayed in the workshop for hours on end, but it was nearing two o'clock, and your parents would be livid if you weren't home by then.

Nikolai walked you back through the Grand Palace to where your carriage would be waiting for you.

"We never discussed my offer of assistance, did we?" He spoke as the pair of you walked through the main entry hall.

"I suppose we got a bit distracted," you smiled guiltily.

"Shame on us," he said with a lopsided grin. You reached the front doors and two servants opened them. Nikolai stopped in the doorway and turned to you. "So, you will accept my offer?"

"To help me find a fiance?" You asked softly.

"Yes."

You glanced over at the waiting carriage. Then your eyes found his again. "Yes. I'm sure you will find a better match than my mother will. She's already written to every eligible suitor that I am back on the market."

He let out a soft laugh. "Saints, that woman works fast." 

"Tell me about it," you grumbled.

He stepped towards your carriage and held his arm out for you. You took his arm and his help into your carriage. 

"Thank you," you smiled gently at him from the open window. "For everything."

He shrugged. "Of course."

"Truly, I am grateful that you are doing this. Saints know what sort of person my mother would force a match with. I have faith that you will offer me options with real merit."

He gave a small laugh. "High praise."

"I'm just being honest." 

"I know," he nodded as he looked up at you.

His eyes were so intent on yours. A hazel colour was so perfectly spun in his irises, and his stare felt warmer than any you'd ever seen before.

"I'll send you a list soon enough," he smiled at you. His eyes lingered for another moment, then he backed away from the carriage. "Goodbye for now, my lady."

Your chauffeur rode off, and you watched the Grand Palace slowly shrink away.

..........

A/N: Thanks for reading! Feel free to like, reblog, and comment if you want to read more, I really appreciate the feedback! If you want to be tagged in the other parts of this series or to be added to the Nikolai taglist please comment on this part or send me an ask. Otherwise, I hope you have a great day/night :)

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He looked around the ship, eyes searching for a familiar sight. Nikolai felt panic claw at his throat for a moment. Then, he saw her. She was helping Tamar tie ropes down to the deck, ducking when yet another wave crashed over the side of the ship, drenching them all once again.

Y/N Orlova had joined his crew in Os Kervo, wanting to escape from the claustrophobic world of the Little Palace and learn more about her Squaller abilities. She’d been stuck driving the skiffs for months and yearned to see more of the world and to use her powers outside of the Fold.

She’d been with them for six months, now. Nikolai often wondered what he’d done before she’d arrived. She kept him grounded and calm even when things went out of control. He needed her more than he wanted to admit.

“The storm is moving on!” One of the Squallers yelled.

Which meant they’d soon be out the other side of it. Hopefully none the worse for wear.

Someone tapped his shoulder and he let them take over the wheel. He headed down to the main deck, struggling to maintain his balance as the ship tilted to the side.

Y/N seemed to sense his approach. She turned around, hair plastered to her head and smiled at him.

“How can you be smiling in this?” Nikolai yelled, almost falling forward to her.

Y/N shrugged. “I would rather this than the Fold!”

Nikolai couldn’t help but laugh. Despite the rain stinging his skin and the lighting forking above, he felt a spark of joy through him.

It was a spark that only Y/N could bring out. Her mere presence made life better for Nikolai. He laughed more when she was around, and he found himself gravitating towards her presence when they spent evenings below deck playing cards.

Whatever had been growing inside him over the last few months had begun to sprout. His heart was growing bigger and it hurt to know that, one day, it would inevitably have to end.

Y/N placed a hand over his and squeezed. “Are you okay?”

Nikolai blinked. He looked at her, slowly realising that she’d spoken. “Yeah, yeah,” he said quickly. “Just thinking.”

“Watch out!”

A rope had come loose from its cleat. Both Y/N and Nikolai ran forward, stopping the snaking rope before it tangled around someone’s ankle and dragged them into the water. Nikolai dragged it back up to the cleat and wrapped it around in a figure of eight until he was certain it wasn’t going to come lose again.

Nikolai stood and let out a breathy laugh as he glanced over at Y/N. She was panting, bent over with her hands on her knees. She straightened and smoothed her hair back again.

He met her gaze and smiled. It slowly fell as Y/N stared back at him, her eyes widening. Nikolai looked behind him and felt his heart stutter.

The wooden beam that was a part of one of the masts was swinging around toward them. Nikolai was shoved to the ground and, as he landed, he saw the mast hit Y/N and push her over the side of the boat and into the water.

Hitting the water felt like thousands of needles pricking her skin at once. Y/N couldn’t see anything. She didn’t know what was up or what was down. The force of the mast hitting her stomach had winded her. She was already struggling to breathe yet, now, in the depths of the ocean, the air wouldn’t come at all.

Her lungs were burning, her eyes were burning.

Y/N felt the waves toss her about, throwing her side to side, up and down. She felt her lungs tighten; her mind was screaming at her to breathe. There was nothing left. It was as if she was being crushed. The urge to exhale and inhale was overwhelming. Her chest was tight, demanding air be let in.

She obeyed.

The air gushed out, bubbles rising all around her. As soon as it gushed out, the water gushed in. It burnt her throat, her lungs. She was choking on the endless water pouring into her.

Until she wasn’t.

Calm swept over her. Even in the storm waters. Y/N looked up and, through the haze of the water and the blackness creeping in, she felt calm. Even as her body sunk lower, nothing could reach her but the calm.

Her eyes drifted closed, and bubbles escaped her lips and then… nothing.

His feet slipped on the deck as he scrambled to the side of the boat, leaning over, and staring into the water. His heart was pounding. His hands were shaking.

“Nikolai!” Tolya yelled, yanking him back from the side of the boat. He put a hand on the back of his neck and forced him to look at him. “You can’t go in there, not like this.”

Nikolai shoved him. “She’s drowning –“

“And so will you!” Tolya yelled, pushing him back.

Tamar appeared next to them, holding a coil of rope. “Here, tie this around your waist. We’ll haul you back in.”

Nikolai’s hands shook as he tried to tie the knot. Tolya silently took the rope from him and finished the knot, pulling it tight around his waist. Nikolai climbed up the side of the boat until he was standing on the very edge. He didn’t even hesitate before he jumped in.

He surfaced a wave instantly crashed over his head. For a moment, he struggled to fight against the water. Then, it calmed. Nikolai glanced up and saw one of his Tidemaker’s fighting with the waves, trying to calm it enough for him.

Nikolai took a deep breath in and dived below the water, eyes wide open, searching for Y/N. It probably would’ve made more sense to send Tamar or Tolya down – but his heart had taken over and he hadn’t thought.

The water calmed for a moment and in that precious moment, he saw her. Her body drifted in the water, completely at the mercy of the current. Nikolai grabbed her arm and pulled her body towards him. Once she was close enough, he wrapped his arm around her waist, holding on to her as tight as he dared.

Nikolai gasped as he surfaced, water dripping into his eyes. He didn’t remember how they got Y/N back onto the boat. One moment he was clutching on to her in the water and the next he was handing her body over to Tolya and falling over the side of the boat into a wet, heaving puddle.

Their healer, Iva, was instantly at Y/N’s side. A healer was invaluable to a certain extent. If their patient stopped breathing, or their heart stopped, their powers became useless. They could men bones and healing wounds – but getting a heart to start again? That was a Heartrender’s job.

“Tamar,” Iva called, searching the crowd for the woman.

Tamar appeared and rushed over, falling to her knees beside Y/N. “What do you need me to do?”

Iva glanced up at Nikolai for a moment. They looked back down at Y/N. “Get her heart going,” they replied.

Tamar put the first two fingers of her right hand over her left and held them above Y/N’s chest, concentration clear on her face. She pushed down, pressing against Y/N’s chest.

Nikolai hadn’t even realised Tolya was trying to calm his heart down until he put a hand on his chest. He looked up at Tolya, the tears running down his face mixing with the saltwater dripping from his hair.

Tolya grasped the back of his neck and lowered his forehead to Nikolai’s. No words needed to be spoken – they both knew what the other was feeling. Nikolai wasn’t even bothering to hide his emotions for Y/N.

Nikolai turned his head toward her. She was still lying on the deck. Her chest was still unmoving.

Deep down, a seed of doubt had begun to bloom. Doubt about whether she’d come back and, if she did, if there’d be irreparable damage. He was trying not to let the seed grow and burst into his heart but as he stared at her body – skin lacking colour, eyes closed, chest still – it was beginning to invade.

Then, Nikolai heard a groan. He turned his head sharply, relief setting in as Y/N coughed, water spilling over her lips. Tamar rolled her onto her side and rubbed her back gently. She glanced up at Nikolai and Tolya, a relieved smile on her face.

Nikolai slumped into Tolya, relief overwhelming him. Through the exhaustion seeping into his bones, Nikolai looked down at Y/N and caught her gaze. They looked at one another, silent. Y/N blinked slowly, and it was all Nikolai needed to know she was okay.

The sleeping quarters below deck were quiet. Most people were asleep whilst some remained awake, taking shifts to watch the ocean and horizon, keeping them on the right path.

Nikolai walked down the steps from the upper deck to down below and poked his head in the doorway, letting his eyes adjust to the candlelit darkness. He walked forward, his footsteps as quiet as he could make them against the floor.

Tamar looked up from her book as he approached. She gave him a tired smile, marking her place before closing the book.

“How are you?” Nikolai asked softly.

Tamar nodded. “Tired,” she admitted. Carefully, she reached out and threaded her fingers through Nikolai’s. She squeezed. “How are you?”

At the question, Nikolai allowed himself to look over to the bunk where Y/N lay asleep. She was buried under blankets but there was colour on her face again. Even under the mounds of wool and cotton, he could see her chest moving.

“Fine now,” Nikolai whispered, his voice breaking slightly. Tamar ran her thumb along the back of his hand. His breath shuddered as he inhaled. “I thought I’d lost her.”

With one tug, Tamar pulled him down onto the crate next to her. She put an arm around his shoulders and pulled him as close as she could.

“But you didn’t,” she said firmly. “She is still here. She is still alive. As are you, Nik.” Tamar pressed a kiss to his temple. “You need to tell her the truth about your emotions. Now you know, now you have felt the fear – don’t wait.” She smiled at him. “Don’t hide from your feelings, Nikolai. They are what set you apart from anyone else I know.”

Tamar stood up, squeezing his hand once more before letting go. She walked out the room, pulling the door closed behind her.

Nikolai took her seat, moving as close to the bunk as he could. Y/N’s hand was just poking out from under the blankets. Nikolai reached forward and took it in his, holding it as if it were the most precious gem he’d ever seen.

Y/N shifted on the bunk, rolling further over onto her side. Slowly, her eyes opened, and she squinted slightly at the light as she looked up at Nikolai.

“Hi,” she whispered, her voice hoarse and quiet.

“Hey.” Nikolai leant forward. He brushed her hair back from her forehead, tucking it behind her ear. There was an unusual gentleness to his actions – they’d been this affectionate before but… this time it was different.

“Are you okay?”

Nikolai blinked. He laughed softly. “You drowned and almost died, yet you’re asking me how I am?” He sighed, letting his thumb brush across her cheekbone. “I’m fine, darling. How are you?”

“I’m cold still,” Y/N replied. She snuggled further down into the blankets. “My throat hurts as does my chest but… I’m alive.” She fell quiet for a moment, gazing up at Nikolai. “You look like shit, Lanstov.”

Nikolai burst out laughing. He shook his head as the laughter faded, the smile remaining. “You scared me, Y/N. Truly scared me. I’m so used to having you around that suddenly imagining life without you…” His smile faded slightly.

“I am a good friend,” Y/N said, nodding, her tone semi-sarcastic. “You’ve trained me well. I can imagine how difficult it would be to train a new friend again.” Y/N frowned at the silence that followed. Nikolai lowered his gaze. “Nik?”

“It wasn’t just that,” Nikolai replied. He closed his eyes for a moment. “Since we met, I’ve felt this… pull to you.”

“Nik, you’re sounding like Tolya.”

Nikolai snorted. “Yeah, I’m not great at this.” He sighed, dragging a hand through his hair. “I don’t know how to say this.”

“Okay,” Y/N curled closer to him, “just… splurge. Doesn’t matter if it doesn’t make sense.”

And that was it. Nikolai knew, then, that it was her calmness, her ability to see through the haze of his mind and just know what he wanted to say or do. He could be spiralling out of control and Y/N would be the one thing keeping him on the ground.

That was why he loved her.

“I can’t live my life without you,” Nikolai said abruptly. “You ground me in ways no one else can. The entire world could be spiralling out of control, but you’ll be the calm in the storm.” He chuckled. “I remember when I had a bad night a few months ago. I’d tossed and turned and then given up, going up on to deck to watch the stars. Everything was haunting me – the crown, my people, my family. You found me on deck and just talked at me for an hour, distracting me from my thoughts until I’d calmed down.

“When I pulled you from the water, I was terrified that… that I’d pulled your body out but not your soul. That it was still in the water, sinking further and further down. The world stopped as I watched Tamar and Iva work. I think Tolya was worried I’d collapse on him. But the moment you opened your eyes and looked at me, my world started moving again. And I realised that… I love you in so many ways, I can’t put them all into words.”

If Y/N was taken aback by the abrupt revelation, she didn’t show it. Her face was calm, betraying nothing.

Nikolai laughed softly, shaking his head. “I know I am a prince, Y/N. I know there are rules and laws. I know that one day I will be king. Loving me isn’t easy, I know. Being with me isn’t easy. But… I just…”

Nikolai trailed off, words failing him.

Y/N propped herself up onto her elbow, dislodging the blankets around her. She took both of Nikolai’s hands with hers, running her thumbs along the back of them. Nikolai looked at her. Her gaze was intense. It was warm. It was understanding.

“I knew who I was becoming friends with, Nik,” Y/N said gently. “Prince Nikolai Lanstov – heir to the Ravkan throne. I knew what it would come with and how hard it will be. And I know loving you will be even harder.” Nikolai couldn’t breathe. Y/N squeezed his hands. “Yet I will gladly fight the battles if it means I get to wake up next to you in the morning. I will stand behind you if it means I can hold your hand in the shadows. I will be your consort if it means I can love you for however long we live for.”

Nikolai stared at her. Everything he’d wanted to say, she’d said perfectly. Everything he’d thought, he’d felt – she’d spoken it aloud.

“I know who I fell in love with, Nikolai,” Y/N said, watching him intently. She smiled, placing a hand on the side of his face. “I wanted to say something but… I thought it best if I waited for you. In case it wasn’t reciprocated. In case it wasn’t what you wanted.”

It was hard to confess your love. It was even harder when it was a prince. Nikolai knew this. He knew that whoever he fell in love with, would have to sacrifice everything to be with him. Yet here was Y/N, opening her heart whilst fully understanding the consequences.

“Are you going to kiss me now, princeling?”

Nikolai laughed and leant forward, capturing her lips with his. She kissed him back, pressing into him, her hand wrapping around the back of his neck and holding him. They broke apart, resting their foreheads together, breathing heavily.

“Queen Y/N and King Nikolai does have a ring to it,” Y/N whispered into his ear.

Nikolai pulled back, his brow furrowing even as he smiled. “Why are you first? Surely it should be King Nikolai and Queen Y/N.”

Even if it's been two days, he felt this feeling he didn't want to name burn his whole body. The feeling was altering his mind. He loved his wife and when he tried to give this feeling a reason, he told that to himself.

He loves his wife, that's why he's jealous.

His trust in his wife was infinite. If he went blind, he would trust you to direct him. The problem was not trust. Nikolai had found the problem in himself. While he was drinking his kvas, he was thinking about this matter. His wife was laughing and having fun with another man, which was your old friend. Nikolai never knew this man because he was from your hometown, but heard of him before. From his wife.

You would tell him how talented he was. He was even good at shooting, dancing, and sailing. He was kind, thoughtful, and handsome. He was not blond as Nikolai was but it was not the deal.

The deal was he had hurt his wife because of his feelings towards this man. And the worst part was you didn't understand why he was jealous. You knew he was but you didn't know the reason. You were having fun with the reason at this moment.

Your friend, Jay, was going today and you were outside of the palace with him. Nikolai knew the moment you stepped in Ravka you loved the kingdom and you were so eager to show this exquisite beauty to your dear friend. You had invited your husband but Nikolai had to refuse. He couldn't stand the guy. Even though he was a good man Nikolai wanted to choke him in the sea.

Maybe that would show his sailing skills.

"Saints," he sighed. "What am I thinking?"

If you knew the thing that crossed his mind, you would be so upset about it. Nikolai didn't want to break his wife's heart, so he really needed to calm himself down and sort the problem out.

He left his glass on his desk and got out of his room before he could even think. He was furious with himself because he was so desperate for your affection. He was craving your attention. He was jealous and selfish. You were all he could think, drunk or sober it didn't matter. He was in love with you and he was jealous of your relationship with your friend.

The moment he left the study room he saw you slowly walking. A smile was there, hanging on your lips. Nikolai loved seeing your smile. Your happiness was his comfort. Those lips... He just couldn't stop thinking about them. The way their shape changed when you smiled made his heart beat faster and wilder.

Nikolai had every right to be jealous. You were gorgeous, and kind and made him feel every emotion at the same time. However, he did not feel comfortable with this particular feeling.

"Nikolai," He heard your voice. He didn't realize you were this close to him. "Is everything okay, love?" You asked while your brows shaped into a frown. Still beautiful.

"Yes, everything's all right." He found himself saying those words. It made his tongue burn in some way. "I just wanted to come for you. I thought I'd broken your heart with my attitude this morning."

You just laughed at him. "You did not break my heart." You said. "Jay has a long way beyond. I just wanted to say a proper goodbye to him. This might be the last time I see him."

Why did he just feel so relieved?

He followed you as if he were a lost puppy when you started to walk into the palace. "I'm sorry to hear that." He said. The lie had marked his tongue. He felt like lying to the beauty was a sin in itself. "Did you have a goos time though?"

Your smile grew bigger, "It would've been better if you were there with me but it was fun."

He felt the sudden guilt possess all over his mind. He didn't want to break your heart or upset you, but he did it because he was just jealous. It didn't feel right. Nikolai's brain stopped working since your friend Jay came to Ravka and he couldn't find a way to start it again.

"I was a little busy today," He wanted to come up with a joke but the words that had left his mouth were all lies. He didn't do anything besides drinking and thinking. He was relieved that he was still sober. "I hope you're not upset with me, love."

"No, why would I be upset about this. Don't be ridiculous, Nik." You held his hand in a tight grip. "I just thought you were off today. Because last night you worked till three in the morning. That's why I've invited you."

Nikolai wanted to slap himself. He wasn't acting like himself for days and he hated it. What you said was true, he did some paperwork at night and came to bed after three in the morning. He was off today because he knew that Jay would be gone today. He had presumed that Jay would be gone earlier than this and Nikolai would have you all to himself, spend time with you, and beat jealousy. It didn't go as he planned.

"There was something important that I must have been missed last night."

"Did you sort it out?"

"Your trust in your excellent husband might be gone, love. Of course, I did." He winked at you and you slightly blushed.

You stopped at the door to the library. He was following you without asking about the destination. You rose on your tiptoes and kissed his sweet lips. Although you wanted to keep the kiss short he didn't let you go and deepened the kiss.

His lips were tangling with yours like a harmony that had been forgotten in history. He was trying to forget about the flames of the feeling. Nikolai only wanted to have you all to himself. He was selfish and he knew it. His feelings for you were not easy to explain.

He sighed as you parted your lips from his. There was that smile again on your pretty lips. The lips that he kissed, not Jay. The eyes looked at Nikolai with passion and love, not to Jay. The nose that tickled his neck when you shoved your face into it, not Jay's. You were his and he was yours, and there wasn't a third person in this equation.

"I love you, Y/N." He said with a serious voice. He loved you more than himself, Ravka, and his ships. More than the sea and the earth. More than the stars that hang on the night sky. More than the warmth of the sun. More than the infinity. More than more.

"I love you too, dear." You said, love dripping like honey. "More than you love me."

He leaned his forehead onto yours. "I have to admit something."

"Hm," your smile grew bigger and turned itself into a grin. "I may have a guess or two."

Of course you did.

Nikolai couldn't keep the flames inside of him anymore, so he opened his heart fully to you. He didn't even know when he closed it but it might be because of some particular friend of yours.

"I'm dying because of how jealous I am."

He opened his eyes when he heard you giggling. "I realized that." You pressed your hand to his cheek when he started to pout like a sweet child. "Nikolai, it's okay. I just wanted you to tell me when you felt comfortable. I didn't want to force you to open up."

You with your golden heart. Nikolai hugged you close as his heart started to beat faster. The heavy feeling of the emotion went off of his shoulders. "I'm sorry it took a while."

"You should because, for a damned minute, I thought you'd never tell me." You kissed his chin. "It's okay to feel jealous, my lovely king. I always feel jealous when I see you around any woman, believe me. Though, I must say even Jay understood your feelings."

He laughed at your words. "You and your friends." He left a soft kiss on your hair. "Was I a rude host?"

"The rudest, but your glamour makes everything fine."

He was grateful that you didn't judge him for this. He knew you wouldn't judge anyone by their feelings but he was scared of what you might think about him. He didn't consider that his feelings were too obvious, though. Even Jay understood!

You kissed him again as he was looking at you with dreamy eyes. This time you deepened the kiss. Your kisses made his whole heart shake. He was burning with the feeling, but it was not the same anymore. It was your pure love for him.

You smiled to his lips as you talked, "Come on, let's read together and seize what is left from the day." You pulled him with you as you opened the door.

Nikolai felt like his heart had become a feather. He felt relaxed and drunken with your love. His jealousy finally left its place for your honey-flavored love.

"Wait, you get jealous when you see any woman around me?" He asked when he understood every word that had left your mouth. He couldn't believe he missed that one.

"Nikolai!" You laughed. "Of course not, I only told that to make you reassured."

"Hmhm, I certainly believe that."

"Believe what you want."

He laughed as he cuddled you in the middle of the library. Your laugh intertwined with his.

He loved to hear your laugh.

He loved you as you loved him. Or maybe a little more.

This morning you woke up with the sounds of waves crashing on the ship of Sturmhond, Volkvolny. So that was the moment you finally understood that they all really happened, and you were all right, except for the fact that the owner of the ship wanted you to work for him. You didn't know what you were going to do. You asked the Shu girl, Tamar, but she had said that only Sturmhond knew his plans and thoughts. He was a complicated man, and you already knew you would have a hard time with him.

So here you were in his quarters, waiting for him to do something besides observing you. You were preferably waiting for a good speech. He only hummed to himself, and it made you crazy. This man was an unbearable piece of shit that had helped you. You were grateful and all but… Did he really have to be this annoying all the time?

"Am I gonna have to wait for you to say something?" You said when you lost all the little drops of your patience. He stopped humming and looked at you in the eyes. "I can go if you'll keep looking at me like some— Anyways, just talk." You stopped yourself from saying any inappropriate word to him because that would probably cost you to lose a job before earning it.

"Like what, Sweet Y/N?" He asked softly, curiosity living in his voice as he spoke.

You didn't want to say anything but since he asked you just answered. "A pervert."

He frowned as the word left your mouth. "I think I have more honor than a pervert, but that's all right." He left the desk that he'd been leaning on and came closer to you. Every step of his made your heart beat wilder— you could even hear it in your ears. "I was thinking about the job I was going to give you. Asking myself if you could handle it, but I think you can handle it very well."

"I think you should have thought this the night we met." You said and he laughed. His laugh felt like rays of sun after a rainy day, and you could see a rainbow over there when you tried to picture it in your mind. It was a beautiful sound to hear.

"Okay then," He took a deep breath. "I want you to be my spy." You looked at him with a confused face. "What? Everyone has them these days, so why can't I?"

"I never said that you couldn't. I just don't understand why me. You really see a spy in me?" He was just a delusional stupid pirate. Did he really claim he saw a spy in you? He was definitely wrong.

"Well, you stole my money while most of my crew was on the ship, didn't you? Also, you stole many people's money and never got caught. So, yes, Milaya, I saw a spy in you. Maybe not the best, but still, you can be a good choice."

You didn't know what you should give a reaction to, the way he really wanted you to work as his spy or the fact that he called you sweet girl?

You talked when you made a decision, "I was a thief, not a spy."

"Semantics."

"How come?"

"Well, you see, a thief steals money and a spy steals information. Same thing, different handwritings." He smiled to himself as your expression changed into something more relaxed. He was kinda right, you thought. "Look, I hate to do this, but I paid your debts, and you will be twenty without any money to pay to a red-haired bastard. You owe me this position."

He was right again. You owed him and saints you didn't know what to do because being someone's spy scared you in a way you've never felt. It was a tough job to handle, and you were experienceless.

"I'm not sure about being a spy. Don't you have another job for me?" You started to pout as he shook his head. "Then maybe I— I can go?"

"You don't want that. It will cost you another debt. I don't want to force you, but this is not how you negotiate."

You hated him for being right, and you hated yourself for being stupid and asking stupid questions. Just accept it, a sound inside of you said.

You took a deep breath and answered, "Okay, I can be your spy, I guess." He clapped his hands once, and before he had a chance to speak, you opened your mouth to speak again, "But only if I can decide what I am going to do. I won't go on any mission that will probably kill me. That would be foolish for both of us."

Sturmhond looked rather excited by your decision. "You think I would do that to my one and only spy?" He took your hand and give it a small kiss. "We will be a great team Y/N dear." Then he went to his desk and handed you a paper. "This is the guy who promised me some kruge, but I think he's trying to scam me. I want you to go to his place and take some information. Such as his possessions, family, and secret lovers— if there are any. It's very easy."

You read the name of the guy— Jurren Clasen said Sturmhonds perfect handwriting. You've heard him before, you knew he was rich but you also knew not as Pekka Rollins. Maybe there was a moment you had to steal his money, but you could not recall.

"Are you going to threaten him with the information I'll give you?"

"What would you do if I said yes?" He huffed when you gave him a frown. "I'm not gonna threaten him, I am just trying to understand if he ran out of money or just dumped me."

You released a deep breath. "Fine, I'll go tonight?"

He nodded, "Tonight's fine."

"Okay."

"Okay." He mimicked your word as you shoved the paper into your pocket. You didn't say any other word as you head for the door. "Any information that will give his financial situation will do, Milaya."

Again, sweet girl. You rolled your eyes as your heart reacted to the stupid word. "Understood." You said before you left.

You decided to read the note again. There was only his name and address. There were some rumors about Jurren Clasen and Jan Van Eck, the people had claimed that they started to work together in some way. You knew that Jurren was not powerful to be in the Merchant Council, so you thought maybe Jan Van Eck was only using him— If the rumors were true, of course.

You went to the quarters that you shared with Tamar since you had nothing to do, and you didn't know anyone in the crew. You had no one to talk to or spend time with. You just had yourself as always. You knew that you were all alone since your mother died, but it wasn't a problem. People always get used to loneliness until they get sick of it. You weren't sick of it yet, but you were afraid of the day that you will.

It made your stomach turn. The idea of losing the will to live scared you. You had to find a branch to hold on to and erase the thought of a rope to hang yourself to. The will of living was in there, you just had to dive in and rise it to the surface.

✧⋄⋆⋅⋆⋄✧⋄⋆⋅⋆⋄✧

It was deadly dark. It reminded you of the night you met Sturmond. It was practically yesterday, but it felt like it was ages ago.

You found your way as you tried to trust the dark. The outside was cold and it made you shiver. No one was awake as you expected. You only hoped that he was not in his study room.

You felt like a ghost who hides beneath the shadows as you climbed and reached the window of Jurren's study room. Carefully you looked inside, feeling relieved when you saw no one. You opened the window with the little knife you had. You and the knife had a special bond because it was with you the whole time you've been a thief. It was sad that you only trusted the unanimated things.

The moment you were inside the mansion, the time stopped. As quiet as a mouse you started to look for something that would work. He had said any information, so everything was what you were looking for. Just find anything and go.

Quietly you searched inside the drawers. You tried to read every piece of paperwork and his notes. After checking all the documents that you could find you turned your eyes to the desk. You looked into the notebook that lay there. It had plans and arrangements for his works. That should do, you thought. You opened it without giving any harm and started to read it. You understood every word except for one— Jurda Parem. You had no idea what it was but it sounded strange to you. So you noted it on the paper that you brought with you. You would probably forget the word if you didn't.

When you heard voices you hurried up and left everything in their places. You, fortunately, had time to go outside before they got into the study room and unfortunately, you could not see who they were.

The next stop was Volkvolny. You never looked back while you ran. You slowed yourself when you reached the harbor where the ship waited for you. Your breath got stuck in your lung because of the run and you needed air more than anything. The thought of it would've been funny in another moment.

"You're back! Fantastic." You heard his voice when you stepped on the deck. "What did you find out?" You needed to catch your breath so you didn't say anything and gave him the paper. "Jurda Parem? This sounds interesting."

"You know what that is?" You asked.

"Not exactly, but now I will have to do my homework." He checked you for a moment. "Anything else?"

You gave a brief moment to think about everything you've seen. "He has a wife but no children, but I guess you already know that. I don't think he has a secret lover because his diary is full of his wife. He has another house near the University District and his bank is full of kruge according to the documents in his drawers."

"So he did not suddenly become poor. Why does everyone think that I am a fool?" He muttered to himself and you couldn't help but reply,

"Maybe because they think stealing and saying aarg is the only thing that pirates do?"

His expression changed into a frown. "I am a privateer, Milaya. Please don't make me repeat myself."

"Good night, pirate."

You heard him laugh as you walked away. His laugh was indeed beautiful to the ears which listened.

This morning you woke up with the sounds of waves crashing on the ship of Sturmhond, Volkvolny. So that was the moment you finally understood that they all really happened, and you were all right, except for the fact that the owner of the ship wanted you to work for him. You didn't know what you were going to do. You asked the Shu girl, Tamar, but she had said that only Sturmhond knew his plans and thoughts. He was a complicated man, and you already knew you would have a hard time with him.

So here you were in his quarters, waiting for him to do something besides observing you. You were preferably waiting for a good speech. He only hummed to himself, and it made you crazy. This man was an unbearable piece of shit that had helped you. You were grateful and all but… Did he really have to be this annoying all the time?

"Am I gonna have to wait for you to say something?" You said when you lost all the little drops of your patience. He stopped humming and looked at you in the eyes. "I can go if you'll keep looking at me like some— Anyways, just talk." You stopped yourself from saying any inappropriate word to him because that would probably cost you to lose a job before earning it.

"Like what, Sweet Y/N?" He asked softly, curiosity living in his voice as he spoke.

You didn't want to say anything but since he asked you just answered. "A pervert."

He frowned as the word left your mouth. "I think I have more honor than a pervert, but that's all right." He left the desk that he'd been leaning on and came closer to you. Every step of his made your heart beat wilder— you could even hear it in your ears. "I was thinking about the job I was going to give you. Asking myself if you could handle it, but I think you can handle it very well."

"I think you should have thought this the night we met." You said and he laughed. His laugh felt like rays of sun after a rainy day, and you could see a rainbow over there when you tried to picture it in your mind. It was a beautiful sound to hear.

"Okay then," He took a deep breath. "I want you to be my spy." You looked at him with a confused face. "What? Everyone has them these days, so why can't I?"

"I never said that you couldn't. I just don't understand why me. You really see a spy in me?" He was just a delusional stupid pirate. Did he really claim he saw a spy in you? He was definitely wrong.

"Well, you stole my money while most of my crew was on the ship, didn't you? Also, you stole many people's money and never got caught. So, yes, Milaya, I saw a spy in you. Maybe not the best, but still, you can be a good choice."

You didn't know what you should give a reaction to, the way he really wanted you to work as his spy or the fact that he called you sweet girl?

You talked when you made a decision, "I was a thief, not a spy."

"Semantics."

"How come?"

"Well, you see, a thief steals money and a spy steals information. Same thing, different handwritings." He smiled to himself as your expression changed into something more relaxed. He was kinda right, you thought. "Look, I hate to do this, but I paid your debts, and you will be twenty without any money to pay to a red-haired bastard. You owe me this position."

He was right again. You owed him and saints you didn't know what to do because being someone's spy scared you in a way you've never felt. It was a tough job to handle, and you were experienceless.

"I'm not sure about being a spy. Don't you have another job for me?" You started to pout as he shook his head. "Then maybe I— I can go?"

"You don't want that. It will cost you another debt. I don't want to force you, but this is not how you negotiate."

You hated him for being right, and you hated yourself for being stupid and asking stupid questions. Just accept it, a sound inside of you said.

You took a deep breath and answered, "Okay, I can be your spy, I guess." He clapped his hands once, and before he had a chance to speak, you opened your mouth to speak again, "But only if I can decide what I am going to do. I won't go on any mission that will probably kill me. That would be foolish for both of us."

Sturmhond looked rather excited by your decision. "You think I would do that to my one and only spy?" He took your hand and give it a small kiss. "We will be a great team Y/N dear." Then he went to his desk and handed you a paper. "This is the guy who promised me some kruge, but I think he's trying to scam me. I want you to go to his place and take some information. Such as his possessions, family, and secret lovers— if there are any. It's very easy."

You read the name of the guy— Jurren Clasen said Sturmhonds perfect handwriting. You've heard him before, you knew he was rich but you also knew not as Pekka Rollins. Maybe there was a moment you had to steal his money, but you could not recall.

"Are you going to threaten him with the information I'll give you?"

"What would you do if I said yes?" He huffed when you gave him a frown. "I'm not gonna threaten him, I am just trying to understand if he ran out of money or just dumped me."

You released a deep breath. "Fine, I'll go tonight?"

He nodded, "Tonight's fine."

"Okay."

"Okay." He mimicked your word as you shoved the paper into your pocket. You didn't say any other word as you head for the door. "Any information that will give his financial situation will do, Milaya."

Again, sweet girl. You rolled your eyes as your heart reacted to the stupid word. "Understood." You said before you left.

You decided to read the note again. There was only his name and address. There were some rumors about Jurren Clasen and Jan Van Eck, the people had claimed that they started to work together in some way. You knew that Jurren was not powerful to be in the Merchant Council, so you thought maybe Jan Van Eck was only using him— If the rumors were true, of course.

You went to the quarters that you shared with Tamar since you had nothing to do, and you didn't know anyone in the crew. You had no one to talk to or spend time with. You just had yourself as always. You knew that you were all alone since your mother died, but it wasn't a problem. People always get used to loneliness until they get sick of it. You weren't sick of it yet, but you were afraid of the day that you will.

It made your stomach turn. The idea of losing the will to live scared you. You had to find a branch to hold on to and erase the thought of a rope to hang yourself to. The will of living was in there, you just had to dive in and rise it to the surface.

✧⋄⋆⋅⋆⋄✧⋄⋆⋅⋆⋄✧

It was deadly dark. It reminded you of the night you met Sturmond. It was practically yesterday, but it felt like it was ages ago.

You found your way as you tried to trust the dark. The outside was cold and it made you shiver. No one was awake as you expected. You only hoped that he was not in his study room.

You felt like a ghost who hides beneath the shadows as you climbed and reached the window of Jurren's study room. Carefully you looked inside, feeling relieved when you saw no one. You opened the window with the little knife you had. You and the knife had a special bond because it was with you the whole time you've been a thief. It was sad that you only trusted the unanimated things.

The moment you were inside the mansion, the time stopped. As quiet as a mouse you started to look for something that would work. He had said any information, so everything was what you were looking for. Just find anything and go.

Quietly you searched inside the drawers. You tried to read every piece of paperwork and his notes. After checking all the documents that you could find you turned your eyes to the desk. You looked into the notebook that lay there. It had plans and arrangements for his works. That should do, you thought. You opened it without giving any harm and started to read it. You understood every word except for one— Jurda Parem. You had no idea what it was but it sounded strange to you. So you noted it on the paper that you brought with you. You would probably forget the word if you didn't.

When you heard voices you hurried up and left everything in their places. You, fortunately, had time to go outside before they got into the study room and unfortunately, you could not see who they were.

The next stop was Volkvolny. You never looked back while you ran. You slowed yourself when you reached the harbor where the ship waited for you. Your breath got stuck in your lung because of the run and you needed air more than anything. The thought of it would've been funny in another moment.

"You're back! Fantastic." You heard his voice when you stepped on the deck. "What did you find out?" You needed to catch your breath so you didn't say anything and gave him the paper. "Jurda Parem? This sounds interesting."

"You know what that is?" You asked.

"Not exactly, but now I will have to do my homework." He checked you for a moment. "Anything else?"

You gave a brief moment to think about everything you've seen. "He has a wife but no children, but I guess you already know that. I don't think he has a secret lover because his diary is full of his wife. He has another house near the University District and his bank is full of kruge according to the documents in his drawers."

"So he did not suddenly become poor. Why does everyone think that I am a fool?" He muttered to himself and you couldn't help but reply,

"Maybe because they think stealing and saying aarg is the only thing that pirates do?"

His expression changed into a frown. "I am a privateer, Milaya. Please don't make me repeat myself."

"Good night, pirate."

You heard him laugh as you walked away. His laugh was indeed beautiful to the ears which listened.

You were standing at the bow of the Volkvolny, Alina Starkov not three feet to your left. She had her gaze to the sea just as you did, unblinking and unphased but relentless in her hatred for the Darkling, just as everyone else silently was on the boat.

You were one of the Tidemakers on Sturmhonds crew, having been brought on by Tamar and only on your second day aboard the Volkvolny. You hadn't officially met Sturmhond yet but you didn't doubt that you would in due time, if the hostage situation that the Darkling had brought onto the boat was to be of any indication.

Your gaze was on the sea as the Darkling approached and hauled Alina away, lost in your own thoughts of life when you got to land again--comfortable bed, decent food, everything you needed to be content in that moment.

You headed away from the bow of the ship, thanking Tamar as she passed you one of the rum rations she'd just won in a game of cards, trying not to listen in on the conversation between Alina, Sturmhond, and the Darkling that was happening barely three feet away from you. You nearly let your curiosity get the best of you but with a sip of your rum you found yourself tired and ready to do anything but eavesdrop.

You let Tamar drag you off to a game of rummy, laughing a bit as she led you away and your rum sloshed around a bit in the mug, ready to get drunker than words could describe and barely remember it all through the haze generated by your headache the following morning.

-

The weeks passed, and you found yourself assigned to Mals care. You didn't fight it because, while you were on Sturmhonds crew, you were stuck taking orders from the Darkling while Mal hunted for the Sea Whip and Alinas second amplifier. With the second amplifier, Alina would get stronger, and eventually she'd be able to kill him.

You planned to watch the Darkling meet the end he deserved, for all that he'd done to your country and for all that he'd done to the people you held closest, and if getting a step closer to witnessing his death meant looking after one of the people he took prisoner, so be it.

Mal noticed that you, for someone who he thought must've been on the Darklings staff, were much kinder than those he'd dealt with in the previous few days, and as you purposefully lead him past Alina so that their hands might graze for a moment, a fleeting look might have been exchanged, all you could do was shrug.

"He trusts me because I'm willing to wear a bit of black and because the bastard thinks of Sturmhonds crew as his bloody own," you said. "Enjoy your fresh air while it lasts, lover boy. I'll try to persuade Alinas guards into letting the two of you have a chat after dinner."

"Why are you being so kind to us?" Mal asked, ignoring the whip of the wind as it drove past the two of you. "You seem quite stoic."

"You're using stoic in the place of rude and I don't appreciate that--I am stoic but rude is not something that I am or ever will be," you said. "I am being kind to you because you've gone without it for too long. You go without kindness for more than a few weeks and you'll turn out exactly as I have--reluctant to let people in, keeping everyone at arms length. Nothing will happen to you if you go down that route, and if anything does happen to you, it will be as rare as a dandelion in winter."

"And I think it's because of Sturmhond," Mal said. "You've clearly started to fancy the bloke and maybe you think that getting in our good favor will get you in his?"

"I am a twenty-one year old woman," you said. "I do not need to ferry the favor of a couple of seventeen year olds, regardless of the fact that one of them is a saint, to gain the favor of my own bloody boss, Mr. Oretsev, but thank you for that. I totally appreciate your assumptions."

"It's not an assumption," Mal said. "It's an observation. I noticed the way that you watched him when he was with Alina the other day--you don't think you're the type he'll fall for, do you? That's why, even despite the fact that every time he grins at you flirtatiously you grin back like a sheep caught between the crossfire of two gun wielding idiots, you haven't made a move? You haven't offered him the rum ration you win from a game of rummy?"

"Another word of Sturmhond and I will throw the both of us overboard, Mr. Oretsev. Am I understood?"

"You are indeed," Mal said. "I would even say that I understand your words as well as I understand your lovesickness whenever you look at him--Alinas taken to calling him the clever fox because of his hair. You're falling for a ginger. You have a good time with that."

You scoffed, having no intention to make good on your threats to him.

It was true that you'd fallen for the handsome privateer and it was also true that, in direct relation to his treatment of Alina, you never thought he would fall for one of your sort. A privateer and a Grisha wouldn't work and you had no idea why, in the weeks since you were first brought onto the team by Tamar, you'd thought it probably could've.

They were your delusions, though, and because they were your delusions you would learn to live with them just as everyone else learned to live with their own.

--

Time passed. The civil war was ended in a burst of sun and star and the death of a saint. Nikolai returned to his palaces and found that they felt too empty for his liking.

He couldn't place why, nor what could've been done to fix it, until one day Tamar came into the guards break room smiling, a letter in hand.

"Got a pen pal, do you?" Nikolai asked. At that, Tamar scrunched her nose in his direction and gestured to the plate of biscuits on the center of the table at which they sat. Genya pushed back a curtain to let a bit of light into the room, and begrudgingly, Nikolai grabbed a biscuit.

"Tame your demons today," Tamar said. "We have a trip to make to Ketterdam and I have secured us a place to stay that's not the embassy but will indeed provide more than enough protection in it's place while renovations continue after the oil leak. Nikolai, you remember Y/N, don't you?"

The girl he'd fallen for during the civil war? How could he ever have forgotten.

He'd loved you in silence, in glances to you while you stood and chatted with Zoya and Genya, while you laughed with Tamar and stole pieces of bacon from Tolya in exchange for your rum rations while travelling. The way he'd felt about you had snuck up on him in the days of the civil war, and despite all of his trying, it hadn't gone away since.

"How can he forget her?" Zoya asked. "The amount of loving looks he thinks nobody saw him give her during the war is astounding. Why bring her up?"

"Well, as mentioned, there was an oil leak at the Ravkan Embassy. We needed a place to stay in Ketterdam while we're there on business so I figured I'd reach out to a rumored member of the Council of Tides and see what she could do."

"And what all has she done?" Nikolai asked.

"She lives in a mansion in the merchants district. Six bedrooms and a nice kitchen, good food for the duration of our stay. I asked if she wouldn't mind our company and she said to come whenever."

Zoya smirked and Genya clasped her hands together, a grin adorning her face almost instantly. Nikolais gaze drifted to David, who was watching his wife with a smile of his own.

"I've missed her," Genya said. "I know we'll be there on business but it'll be nice to see an old friend."

Zoya glanced at Nikolai. "Or perhaps reignite an old flame," she said as Tamar wiggled her eyebrows, a giggle befalling her lips as she did.

"A flame that was never ignited in the first place?" Nikolai asked. "Write back to Y/N thanking her for her ability to accommodate us. I will see to it that she is fairly compensated for allowing us to lodge with her if she finds taking time off of work a necessity."

Tamar nodded. "I already wrote a note and sent it along," she said. "Eat breakfast, Nikolai. Your stuff is packed and waiting on the ship. We leave today."

"Ring for tea, will you?" David asked. Nikolai laughed a bit but did Davids bidding, trying to mentally get himself ready to visit the woman he loved but had not seen in too much time to count.

--

Two weeks came to pass, and Nikolai had found himself approaching your garden, mug of tea in hand, as he couldn't sleep.

The demon took him over when he slept and most nights, while the demon had indeed taken a step back that trip, he didn't like the idea of closing his eyes and letting himself drift off. When Nikolais conscious faded, the demons conscious set in, and he didn't want to know what kind of damage the demon could do to you or the kind of damage you could do to it in the name of self defense.

He flinched when he saw you--you'd hardly interacted in the two days since he, the triumvirate, Tamar and Tolya had come. He was hoping you wouldn't notice him because who, exactly, wants to have their first conversation in several years at three in the morning?

"I heard you making your tea," you said. "Come on out. I've been meaning to talk to you since you first showed up, but I couldn't really find the words to do it."

Nikolai stepped out into the garden, came to sit next to you on a bench made of fabrikator altered obsidian--Nikolai had heard you and Tamar discussing it, and you'd said it was infused with Grisha steel to make sure it lasted as long as possible.

"You work for the Council of Tides, yeah?"

"We're supposed to remain anonymous," you said. "I can't tell you that."

"You worked from eight this morning to midnight. That's sixteen hours."

"And in thanks for covering my coworkers shift, they're covering mine tomorrow. I will be stuck in this house all day long," you said. "I do work for the Council of Tides, for the record, but if you say as much to anyone, I will risk the treason charge and have you hanged. It was an opportunity and I took it because it was that or worry about everything in Ravka. I chose the one less likely to kill me."

"They clearly pay you well enough," he said. "Seven figures, I'd imagine."

"The money I make in a year is enough to have Ravka debt free and the treasury restored within four of them," you said. "It's ridiculous, but I either make good money and live in this mansion and pinch my pennies so that I can make sure I have a good foot to stand on when I sell this place and go somewhere new, or I don't make good money and end up living in the crime districts. I had enough of fighting, of open wounds and of shouting in the streets during the war."

Nikolai nodded. "I don't blame you," he said. "However, if making a donation to Ravka is ever in your cards..."

You laughed. "You are so lucky I find your face kissable rather than punchable. Had I found it punchable I would've done it just then."

Nikolai laughed in turn. "You've been missed around the palaces," he said. "I mean--your absence has been disdained by lots of us."

"Who?" You asked. "I write with the lot of them rather frequently--went to see Alina and Mal just last week with a couple of loaves of bread made by Kerch born bakers! Who's disdained my absence, Mr. Lantsov? Everyone seems to be getting on just fine without me."

"Your absence has been disdain by one person," he said. "Me. I couldn't figure it out for a while but then it clicked and now I just--fuck, I feel stupid."

You laughed. "You could've just said you missed me," you said. "I was barely a presence at the palaces beforehand, but I can indeed understand why you would miss seeing me browsing the books in the library you never went into."

"I was busy!" Nikolai shouted, laughing a bit and startling himself with the volume of his words. "I was busy, Y/N, trying to win a war, and when I wasn't I was indeed watching you look at the books. You always got so focused in the libraries--I've spent my time in your absence reminiscing on it."

You laughed. Nikolai set his cup of tea on the ground.

"I loved you during that time," you said. "I really loved you, Nikolai. Didn't think you'd feel the same."

"I did," Nikolai said. "--I still do, Y/N. I haven't stopped for all of my trying."

You blinked. You'd been trying to move on from the war, all that you felt during it and everything that happened. You'd told yourself you'd only hold onto friendships, onto the good memories that came of the war because those good memories were amazing and they were few and far between, so holding onto them could only make sense rather than letting them go.

You supposed that Nikolai was one of those memories. He was a good memory in spite of all of the yearning, a good memory despite the fact that you'd spent so much of your time drowning in the idea that he could never love you like you loved him.

"Do you love me still?" Nikolai asked. "You said that you loved me then. Do you love me now?"

It had been something you were trying to forget. You didn't want to forget it anymore.

"I do," you said. "I don't think I ever stopped, despite how much I wanted to leave everything behind me."

Nikolai grinned. "May I kiss you?"

And you nodded, and then his lips were on yours and it almost felt as though a piece of your life that had been missing since the end of the war had slid back into it's place.

You've been up on your feet for a couple of days now. It didn't take long for you to realise your lack of healing abilities. The crew quickly came to comfort.

"You just need more rest."

"We'll find a way to fix it."

"What matters is you're ok."

Their sentiments were kind. But it didn't stop the unease you felt. You couldn't sleep because of it. So there you stood, leaning over the ship's edge and watching dark waters pass by.

You hear footsteps approaching. You recognise them. Nikolai.

"What are you doing out here?" he asks.

You turn to look at him. You notice the effects of Sturmhond from the day are gone. Tonight, he is simply Prince Nikolai, adorable and dishevelled as he is.

He looks angelic in the moonlight.

You look back at the sea, stopping yourself from staring at him further.

"Just getting some air," you reply.

Nikolai joins you by the side of the ship. "It's freezing out here, love."

"It's not too bad," you say.

A moment of silence passes. You feel Nikolai's gaze on you while yours stays fixed on the water.

"Alright, tell me what's wrong," he says.

You look at Nikolai again. He is indeed looking at you, waiting expectantly.

"Nothing's wrong," you're quick to reply.

"Is this about everything that's happened?"

When you hesitate to answer, he continues. "You know you can tell me anything."

Alright, you think. Nikolai's not going to let you get out of this.

You take a breath. "It's just… everyone here has a purpose. I had one too. And now I don't. So you can imagine how I feel."

A second of silence passes.

"Need I remind you that you almost died?" Nikolai replies.

"Yeah, but I should be better now," you argue.

"You've been through a lot lately. You can't blame yourself for anything that's happened," Nikolai says, "And besides, you are so much more than just your powers."

"How do I know you're not just saying that?"

"I swear to you I'm not," he tells you, "You're gracious and thoughtful, both to me and the crew. And you're the kindest companion anyone could ask for. I really mean it."

You look at him, unsure of what to say. In your silence, Nikolai takes your hand.

"And your powers aren't completely gone," he places your hand over his chest, "You still heal my aching heart."

You're glad the dark somewhat masks your reaction, "That's really corny, Nikolai."

"Yeah, I know," he smiles, "But you love it."

"Well, I suppose you're not wrong," you say, smiling too, "Thanks, Nik."

Nikolai pulls you into a hug. His arms, full of intent, wrap around your shoulders. You reciprocate, finding comfort within.

You know he means everything he has said to you tonight. The way he holds you now proves it.

"You're most welcome, love," he replies.

A few moments pass before you two separate, and you finally notice how cold it is.

"Hey, there's something I want to give you," Nikolai says, "Come back to my room with me?"

"Oh, sure," you say.

Nikolai smiles as he takes your hand and leads you inside. You liked seeing his room. As Sturmhond, he doesn't get to have many possessions, so it's interesting to see what he keeps around.

After much anticipation, he stops at the dresser. "Ok, close your eyes and hold out your hand."

You do as he says, only slightly sceptical of what might await you. A heavy metal object is placed in your hand.

"Alright, now open," Nikolai says.

You open your eyes. A golden compass with intricate patterns and royal blue highlights sits on your palm. The shine it radiates tells you that it's still very new.

"Saints, it's beautiful!" you say, admiring the delicate craftsmanship.

"I was planning to save it for your birthday or something, but I don't want to wait any longer," Nikolai tells you.

"I'm glad you don't. Where did you get it from?"

"I saw it at the markets the other day. It reminded me of you, so I knew I had to get it."

You laugh, "That's two for two on corniess, Nikolai."

"I'm sorry, I can't help myself," he smiles.

"Well, thank you, it's lovely."

"Maybe I could get a kiss in return?" He faces his cheek towards you.

He really is adorable, you think. Without much deliberation, you step towards him, turn his head to face you and kiss him on the lips.

It's heaven.

You're unsure how much time passes before you realise what you are doing.

You pull away. Nikolai's smiling.

"I'm sorry, I don't know what came over me," you're quick to say.

"No need to apologise," he says.

You take a second to evaluate. Nikolai's arms are around your waist. And you definitely remember him kissing you back.

"So," he continues, "Does this mean you like the compass?"

You laugh, "Yes. Yes, I love it. Thank you."

"It's my pleasure," he says.

The two of you stand for a moment longer before you take a small step back. You notice Nikolai doesn't loosen his grip around you.

"I should probably head back to my bunk," you say.

Nikolai's expression falters.

You're about to ask him what's wrong until he asks you, "Would you maybe like to spend the night here?"

You're slightly taken aback. "Oh, are you sure?"

"Only if you'd like to," he smiles sheepishly, "But yeah, I'd appreciate the company."

You smile. "You know what, the company does sounds nice."

Nikolai breathes a sigh of relief. "Ok, great. Make yourself at home, alright?"

"Sure," you smile.

Nikolai finally lets you go, and you both get ready to sleep. You walk to the bed and place your new compass on the side table.

You've shared beds with Nikolai before. They were usually during expeditions where there wasn't much of a choice. Even so, it would never be awkward or uncomfortable. You always took that as a good sign.

Tonight, as always, it didn't take long for the two of you to get comfortable. The effects of the cold night can no longer be felt. Now, it's just you and Nikolai.

As the two of you lay side by side, you say, "You know, Tolya's been watching me like a hawk. If he sees my bunk empty in the morning, he'll freak out."

"He's a big boy. He can handle it," Nikolai replies.

"Are you sure about that?" you ask.

"Well, no. But we can deal with it tomorrow," Nikolai says.

Tomorrow. The idea of tomorrow unsettles you. You're suddenly reminded of all that upset you earlier. Nikolai notices your silence after a while.

"Hey, come here," he says.

He opens his arms to you. It's an invitation you accept instantly. You relax into him as he embraces you once again.

"Everything will be ok. I promise," Nikolai tells you.

"I believe you," you say.

"Good. I need you to know you mean the world to me. No matter what happens. Alright?"

"If you say so."

"I'll say it a million more times if I must."

"Thank you, Nik. But if you say one more corny thing, I just might explode."

Nikolai laughs, "Alright, I'll stop. Let's get some sleep then. To prepare for Tolya."

"Yes, that's a good idea," you say.

You bury yourself further into Nikolai as he holds you tighter.

"Goodnight, my love," Nikolai says.

"Goodnight, my prince," you reply.