I miss you, old Tumblr *tear*
I reluctantly went on Tumblr earlier and tried to find some old journal entries. Over the years, I had some pretty good ones. Now? I believe they're just lost forever. C'est la vie. I do miss it though. There was something quite cathartic about curling up in the morning and scrolling through all of my favorite bloggers (beautiful submissive soul girl - I miss you so!) new entries while sipping on my morning coffee. The importance of having that outlet varied for me in various ways. Mostly to keep my attitude in check because I'm a needy, overly dramatic, needy, very needy, sub.
Being in a 24/7 dynamic it is sometimes hard to stay "on track" all the time. Do I want to be the absolute best possible submissive for my husband? Absolutely. Without question. But, do I succeed at it? No. When life happens and there isn't that D/s connection constantly I start feeling drained? If that makes sense? My submissive tank starts off full - then as the days go by and we don't have time to scene, or he gets busy and doesn't have the time to give me instructions on something he wants me to do, etc. my submissive tank starts emptying. I get lazy, I get bratty, I get moody .... trying to get some kind of reaction that refills that need. Hindsight I fully understand the depth of how ridiculous that is - it is disrespectful for me to not be considerate of his work schedule, how many things he has to get done around the house, the lack of time we have together alone for us time. I am absolutely not saying there is any blame on him to be placed here. I am just letting the thoughts in my brain roll. ANYWAY - back to the main point; having Tumblr was such a way for me to connect with other bloggers and keep myself focused without having to have constant redirection from my Sir. He literally cannot babysit me constantly, and that was a way for my brain to stay reminded that I have things I need to do to constantly be of service to him which then keeps HIM focused on keeping me in my place.
It's also easy to forget that your Dom isn't the only one with responsibility in your relationship. Do I have a responsibility to keep my Dom engaged? Absolutely. Do I have a responsibility to "go bigger" when my normal duties don't get an elevated response that I am wanting? Absolutely. I cannot tell you the last time he told me I was a good girl as he slides his hand through my hair. But I haven't really worked for that response very much lately either. However, do I have the responsibility to express to him that I feel that my submissive tank is half full and I need something to help fill it back up? Yes.... and sometimes I do. But sometimes I don't and then I just do that bratty shit up there I mentioned. Which doesn't help anyone. Hell, yesterday when he told me to put my debit card somewhere I can keep track of it I threw it across the room just to get him to give me “the look”. For the record, that made every nerve in my body fire off and I was very quickly reminded that he is still absolutely my keeper and I needed to not keep poking that bear so I very quickly grabbed my debit card and put it in my wallet >.< Back to it though, Tumblr helped me with all of that. Having multiple sub friends on there helped keep us all in the loop - it's just nice to have that constant warm hug of submissive sisterhood. I miss what Tumblr used to be. It was absolutely the best kinkster platform. When it was dismantled by the vanilla army, it was such a huge outlet gone. I actually think I’ll post this up to my Tumblr and see if anyone is still around from years ago. Maybe some of those who fled in angry revolt have made their way back to test the waters and see if there’s anyone left out there who needs a deeper connection than random forum posts about gang bangs and singles hook ups.
