UNBALANCED / BALANCED

@shescavenge​​ sent: ✩ for grooming, brushing, or tending to their hair. 

the world is very quiet around the two of them, soft at the edges, disappearing before ben’s very eyes. he yawns unsure if his inability to sleep as of late (now that he’s no longer plagued with the heavy exhaustion that came after exegol) is getting to him or if it’s her tender hands in his hair, now done with tugging the brush through his dark waves. as she parts his hair, sectioning off a little bit of it, he turns his head a little, peering at her out of his peripheral vision and shooting her a sleepy smile until he knows she’s going to order him to stare ahead again. 

he breathes out softly, longing for her hands in his hair again as she begins on the little braid he’d asked her to do for her. there’s a similar one in her hair, tied back and half hidden. he wants a couple in his hair to honour his mother, the one he did on rey only an example, but he’s glad that she elected to keep it. “you’re a quick learner.” he comments teasingly, his hand resting on her knee as she continues to work on the little braid, partially in his lap so it can be positioned where he’d requested it. 

@whoawakens​​ sent: (▰˘◡˘▰) (for what i assume was a kiss related drabble because i can’t see it but that’s what i wrote down)

                    not remembering, it’s starting to get to him. 

     not in a way that is immediately evident, or at least so he believes he tries to conceal himself from rey, hardly understanding this power he so apparently holds. when he does try to wield it, this intangible thing that flows through him, he holds it against himself as a barrier. he shields his mind, cowering beneath it in the hopes she won’t pity him the way she does. she knows so much about him that he doesn’t know, and though he trusts her as deeply as he can, the constant embarrassment of not knowing himself or her or the life he once lived puts him on edge. 

     right now, for instance, his hand curls into a tight fist as he sits there, staring down at the ground. shadows loom over them, the both of them lit up by the flickering light of the fire in the hut they’re crouched in beside each other. his eyes trace over his hand, seeing the callouses he’d acquired in his time alone. he moves subtly, shifting so he can see his hand beside hers as it rests in her lap. he extends his fingers, mimics what she’s doing with hers. 

          she’s so small. not in a way he dislikes, but in a way that makes him feel as if he could hulk over her if he weren’t always curling over himself. 

     ben’s gaze lifts slowly, up a tanned, freckled arm to meet her eyes looking back at him, clearly wondering what he’s up to with his wandering stare. he takes a moment to search her face, but then an urge over takes him as his eyes flicker to her lips and he leans in. it’s almost familiar, so close to it that he gives in to his senses fully, pressing his lips against hers in a soft, uncertain kiss. 

               𝐭𝐡𝐞 𝐚𝐧𝐬𝐰𝐞𝐫 𝐬𝐡𝐞 𝐭𝐡𝐨𝐮𝐠𝐡𝐭 𝐬𝐡𝐞 𝐰𝐚𝐧𝐭𝐞𝐝 𝐰𝐚𝐬 𝐨𝐧𝐞 𝐬𝐡𝐞 𝐰𝐨𝐮𝐥𝐝 𝐧𝐞𝐯𝐞𝐫 𝐫𝐞𝐜𝐞𝐢𝐯𝐞. Eyeing his movements carefully, she was awaiting the green light, their final goodbye. She could picture it now, last bitter words spoken, she’d never see his warm brown eyes again, never touch nor taste his skin, and his deep voice would echo into whispered memories, forever sinking in an ocean of history. BUT IT NEVER CAME, he moved towards the door, and then right passed her. Instead of letting her eyes follow him, she avoided his gaze, back faced away from him, wanting to prove she didn’t care if he told her to leave.. OH, BUT SHE DID, and she that look on her face couldn’t have made it more obvious to him.

HIS SOFT FINGER-TIPS met her arms, and she could feel his towering frame hovering above her own, his nose and lips pressed to her hair that had been let down for the first time in what felt like months, always having been thrown into a bun or three to keep out of the way, she’d tugged the hair ties free out of stress while she’d waited in the winter air for Ben’s car to park by the pavement she’d stood on waiting for him earlier. It was perhaps THE FIRST TIME HE’D SEEN HER LIKE THIS, her hair down, though her makeup still done under the impression that she would have a long work day; Rey was utterly and completely unbalanced, her life having spun out of control in an hour. His whisper sent chills down her spine, and she leaned into his touch, shivering as another tear fell down her cheek. SHE NEARLY GASPED FOR AIR, letting out a shuddered sob as her eyes fluttered closed, allowing herself to lean into his touch. The two of them so broken, she just wanted to put the pieces back together, but she felt so lost, so judged. The last time she felt this way was the night she’d arrived to this city all those years ago, ALONE, SCARED.. Only now she had heels and everything was going to be taken from her. But not him, not now.

Turning around, she stayed closely pressed against his torso, not wanting him to pull away from her and let her go. NO WORDS COULD BE SPOKEN IN THAT MOMENT, she had so much to say but all that could come out were quiet sobs under her breath. Arms sliding up, they rested upon his shoulders, her face now hiding in his chest. SO MANY EMOTIONS running through her, she just needed him in her presence, anyway she could have him; she wanted.. No, she needed him to know she wasn’t leaving, that she needed him to hold her and never let go. Eyes finally opening, her mascara has run slightly, making her eyelashes stick together and look thicker than they truly were. She stared up at him, left hand reaching up to rest on his cheek so gently, but THE LOOK IN HER EYES screamed for him to come closer though her lips spoke no words.

     As it turned out, letting the beast eat him wasn’t so awful. It felt like cracking open a deeper cavern of pain, all that laid beneath the things he’d done and said, but he knew it was the same for them both. They’d been so mistreated in life, broken down by unkind circumstances and retched people, but they didn’t have to do it to each other. Ben refused to let her slip out of his grasp, this person who made him feel like actual happiness was possible. He hated his life, he hated himself, still, but her... he could never feel that way about her. Rey was his fellow survivor in a relentless ocean and he clung to her desperately. That was what he was trying to do, to make her see that he couldn’t go anywhere and he didn’t want her to leave, even if he’d so passively told her to. 

     He could hear her crying and it broke his heart. Sucking in a breath, he shivered as he kept himself there, stubborn and silently begging her to let him remain there close to her, to let him back in and not push him away just like he’d tried to do her. He waited, wondering if she would tell him to stop, or worse, if she’d end it then and there. As she turned around, his head remained bowed, eyes opening so reluctantly to see her down there as she leaned up and buried her face in his chest. They needed each other. Ben knew that, it was so clear. He wanted to comfort her, he needed to, so his arms wrapped around her tighter than before, lifting her so she couldn’t have to stand on her toes. She was smaller than him, easy for him to carry and he wouldn’t have cared if it was hard. “I’m sorry.” He repeated, stray tears dripping down as he blinked. Exhaling, everything seemed to slow now, his chest no longer heaving so hard that he thought something in him would completely snap. 

                𝐢𝐭 𝐬𝐞𝐞𝐦𝐬 𝐭𝐡𝐢𝐬 𝐢𝐬 𝐰𝐡𝐞𝐫𝐞 𝐭𝐡𝐞𝐢𝐫 𝐩𝐞𝐫𝐬𝐨𝐧𝐚𝐥𝐢𝐭𝐢𝐞𝐬 𝐮𝐥𝐭𝐢𝐦𝐚𝐭𝐞𝐥𝐲 𝐝𝐢𝐯𝐢𝐝𝐞𝐝. Truthfully Ben and Rey couldn’t be more different, and although they had similar pessimistic views on the world, they were still very polar opposite of each other. Ben’s rage came out often in small, heavy spurts, whereas Rey bottled it up and brought a hurricane with her, maybe once a year; the girl was emotionally constipated, contrary to popular belief with how melodramatic she was in her everyday life. It was as though in this moment, her world had come crashing down all in one day, and she had to take it out on Ben, simply because he cared and was the first person in her line of vision.. AND HE CARED, THE MAN CARED FOR HER. She was pushing him away so quickly, so violently, as though she were thrashing to get away from him when really she may have been quietly crying out for him to hold her close and hush her to sleep.

It was the truth. Ben was perhaps the first person who entered Rey’s life and cared about her, tough love or not, and it scared her; SHE WAS PUSHING HIM AWAY so instinctively, and she couldn’t stop herself even if she wanted to. Though Ben’s anger had subsided and was replaced by pain, Rey could feel her temper steaming, wanting to push at him and continue to fight. She’d knocked him down and wanted to scream at him to get back up and fight some more, but she stood her ground on the opposite side of the room from him. Somehow, his weak voice distinguished those flames within moments, her gaze not leaving his. HAD BEN GIVEN UP? ON HER? ON HIMSELF? He’d dropped the sword, practically gesturing to the door. It was like she’d been pushing so hard for this to happen, but now that it was here, she needed confirmation.

SHE WANTED TO HEAR IT IN HIS OWN WORDS, she wanted to know it was true. Her heart pounding a million miles a minute in her chest, her eyes had glossed over, tears begging to pour out of her eyes though she blinked them away. She didn’t want to look weak, not in front of him. ❝ Do you want me gone? ❞ She asked him, Ben suddenly appearing so much taller than he was thirty seconds before, her shame and emotions quickly shrinking her back down to her regular size, a tear slipping, she quickly looked away as to shield him from seeing it fall. ❝ If I walk out that door I PROMISE THAT YOU’LL NEVER HAVE TO HEAR FROM ME AGAIN. We can be through with it, with this.. ❞

     Words pushed her away, but Ben was begging her to not go with his eyes, with his hands clinging to his arms though they ached to reach out towards her. There hadn’t been anyone before her in so long, no one had made him want to try, not until her. In the same vein, no one had made him so terrified about doing so. He’d almost lost her with his habit of keeping things in and hiding himself from her. Vulnerability was a beast he grappled with, it scared him and in this moment he could easily slay it, it would be easier, even. Push her away, end it all, go back to being alone so he wouldn’t have to think about things like this ever again. 

     Ben blinked, heart throbbing in his chest as he watched her. A crease formed between dark brows, the storm once brewing behind his eyes now just a grey sky once more. His mouth twitched as she spoke and he wanted to shake his head, but moving was difficult. He could see how her cheek glistened with a tear that made his stomach twist with another rush of intense guilt. “I—” He choked and dropped his arms, moving past her towards the door with swift movements, all dark unruly hair and constricting suit. Ben didn’t even make it all the way, stopping when he was so close, unsure of what his plan was until he was moving back towards her. 

                 𝐡𝐞𝐚𝐫𝐢𝐧𝐠 𝐭𝐡𝐞 𝐬𝐦𝐚𝐬𝐡𝐢𝐧𝐠 𝐨𝐟 𝐭𝐡𝐞 𝐥𝐚𝐦𝐩 𝐦𝐚𝐝𝐞 𝐡𝐞𝐫 𝐣𝐮𝐦𝐩. It had come so quickly and suddenly, white glass shattering over the dark wood floors, the noise so loud it damn-near echoed off of the walls. She had seen Ben angry before, they had bickered, but never had she seen him truly ANGRY AND UNHINGED. It brought her memories of home, if she’d ever had one. The violence, the abuse and trauma she had endured until she packed her things and fled here for a new start, a fresh faced eighteen year old. Perhaps things would change, and she could leave it all behind, but it never did, things never worked out that way. For a split second, Rey felt scared, her fight or flight kicking in, part of her wanted to run out the door in fear he’d hurt her next.. But no matter how wrong those concerns were ( BEN COULD NEVER HURT HER, not like that ), she impulsively pushed them away; SHE COULD PLAY THAT GAME TOO, and whatever happened she’d accept.

❝ Wow, you are so fucking mature Ben! ❞ She shouted, fake smile on her face as she watched him in amusement, knowing she was just POKING A BEAR WITH A STICK by mocking him like this, she knew what she was doing.. But she wanted a reaction. If he wanted a battle, she’d bring a war. ❝ Mary? Susan? What’s her name? You probably have a maid to clean that, don’t you? Hell, let me just dial your assistants number, she can take your card and go and buy you ten more lamps! ❞ She added, clearly holding his wealth against him AS A CRUTCH at this point. Normally Rey would never do this, she’d never pin these little details against him, but unlike him, she was THIRSTING FOR A REASON TO BE ANGRY WITH HIM. She was hurt, and she wanted to hurt him right back. Not again, she wouldn’t let another man walk all over her and treat her like crap.

Looking around, she walked quickly away from her spot and looked around for something, anything to grab. Finding a decorative marble pyramid sitting nicely on a shelf, some date engraved on it. She snatched it off, turning around and HURLING it at a glass vase close to him, once containing a bouquet of flowers she’d bought for him. Water and glass went everywhere, her face flushed from her booming voice.

     The second his rage spilled out of him, he had no more of it. Not with her there, not even if she hadn’t been there. It wasn’t about her, it was about him. This apartment was beautiful and sprawling, afforded after only a few years under Snoke. The costs became clear early on and now he was an overworked asshole, a shell of a person who let his anger get the better of him and channelled it into immature displays like the one he’d just made. He tried to become a wall of ice, ignoring her words, his gaze cold as he glanced at her. He said nothing, he couldn’t say anything, he felt so full of conflicting emotions, wanting to try and appeal to her even in her anger, but just as he’d acted out, now he was cowering, his head hung low, still leaning against the side table.

     Despite her words, she surprised him with what she did next. Frightened him, even, when he turned his head to see the vase near him shatter due to her hurling something across the room. His lips parted in surprise and he took a step back, hands shaking as he turned to look at her. It was ridiculous, how she looked beautiful like that too, so full of anger at him and impulsive. Ben felt a strange want for her even after that, but then memories of the other times he’d had things flung so close to him flickered through his mind. He felt like a hypocrite for the way his eyes got glassy, but he tried to blink it away instantly, sniffling and walking over to the shattered vase, leaning down to pick up the marble pyramid she’d used to break it. It was one of the few things still connected to his parents, a keepsake from a family trip once upon a time. He didn’t explode, he shrunk into himself.  

                  𝐚 𝐥𝐨𝐨𝐤 𝐨𝐟 𝐡𝐮𝐫𝐭 𝐰𝐚𝐬 𝐩𝐫𝐞𝐬𝐞𝐧𝐭𝐞𝐝 𝐨𝐧 𝐡𝐞𝐫 𝐟𝐚𝐜𝐞 𝐰𝐡𝐞𝐧 𝐬𝐡𝐞 𝐡𝐞𝐚𝐫𝐝 𝐡𝐢𝐬 𝐰𝐨𝐫𝐝𝐬, slowly backing away from him as she shook her head. ❝ No.. No, don’t you say that, not you.. ❞ she said, struggling to even get her trembling words out as she watched him with utter surprise. ❝ I asked to see you because I wanted someone there for me, not to criticize me, not you too.. DON’T YOU BE LIKE EVERYONE ELSE.. ❞ She said, half pleading and half demanding, having backed up against the wall near the door. Rey couldn’t helped but feel shocked that he was lecturing her right now, the one person who wouldn’t poke fun.. the one person she thought would understand why she did what she did. Their friendship, their entire relationship had sprouted out of her VULNERABILITY, being so open and honest with each other when they couldn’t be with anyone else, the judgment too harsh, the reality so stinging.. & now it seems this wasn’t the case, AND GOD DID IT HURT.

That pain in her eyes withered away effortlessly, and was soon replaced by fire, a deceiving smile on her lips as a stifled laugh slipped out, had she gone insane? It sure felt like it. Pushing herself off the wall, she walked closer in a slow manner LIKE A TIGER would moments before attack. ❝ You? You are not allowed to tell me how easy it is. You, a man.. A rich man, who was born into politics with a silver spoon in his mouth, DON’T YOU DARE for a second tell me how easy it is, because I know how easy it was for you. You were promised a comfortable life the minute you were in the womb― Ben you have a black American express card! You have a driver! ❞ she shouted the last bits, finger now poking harshly at his chest while she stared up at him, a look of anger, as though he weren’t towering over her. As though SHE were looking down on HIM.

❝ Don’t you dare tell me how easy it is to build a resume when you had one the day you were born, YOU’RE SOME RICH ASSHOLE.. You were born here Ben, so until you can tell me how easy it is to travel here with no parents, no advice, and three outfits to choose from for job interviews? Until you can tell me how easy it is to start from nothing, to be nothing, to be no one? You can zip it. Just because I was man enough to stick up to my boss and you aren’t DOESN’T GIVE YOU THE RIGHT to take your jealousy out on me. ❞

     Ben knew he’d made an unkind choice when the words left him, but they also felt necessary. She’d taken an incredible risk with no safety net underneath her and his care for her couldn’t morph into relentless support for decisions that came with such great risks. That and... he wished it was him. He wished he had the strength to curse Snoke out and quit for good. How many times had he fantasised something similar? He could hardly count. “I just think maybe you should have thought a little further beyond temporary satisfaction.” He muttered, refusing to look over at her, even the slightest glance sent him looking quickly in the other direction, forcing a mask of neutrality so the regret wouldn’t flood so quickly into his expression. 

     The sudden distress he’d caused didn’t go unnoticed, but he felt almost numb to it until he heard a bitter laugh leave her. He sensed her presence, but his gaze remained there on the floor even as she came close. And while he very much had to concede to the fact that she was right, they both knew the details omitted. It felt like reading her article, but with angrier words and her up close and in his face. He was stiff, a statue even as she prodded at him and he looked down at her, the mask he wore cracking under the pressure of her anger. He knew he should apologise, maybe he even would have, until her last statement made him snap. “Right. Jealous.”