hiræth's haven

Yes, Tumblr. I am comparing myself again to my childhood mutuals who finally become famous, at their peak and prime. This time, it is so weird. I got the courage to stalk their socials without having a pang on my heart. Although, there's a bit of hurt. It was a mix of admiration and also seems questionable at the same time. It turns how the gossips from the past resurfaces. How she and my ex has a connection before. I am the only one who only worries on that thought process. Since, I am too inclined in astro chart. I can sense that this person could be the best to escape the reality whole all of her Venuses and Midheavens are working. Although, I cannot see the whole picture yet but I can sense that there is underlying shits privately that she tend to conceal while being performative and escapist . It will benefit her a lot in money and viewers. Taking advantage of her beauty and confidence acts as her sideline.

Mine was not evolved yet. Due to hiding my potential and covered shell as the defense mechanism to my family, friends and old companions. Being scares to give my all in the public and being betrayed in private. I know I am thinking too much but reflecting on what I deeply think and feel should be let out. My pros, I am divinely protected with my loved ones.

In addition to that, every time I explore something new, it won't proceed. I want to create new savings but it turns out I got technical issues with my digital banking. I went to the branch but no avail, they're all actually close. My savings and willingness to solo travel came like poof, opportunities were gone. I have a lot of delayed gratifications. I am full of wisdom however, lack of action and experiences.

I really do love Surrounding by Idiots by Thomas Erikson. Nerd timeee! It shows a lot of how to understand the human behavior. A person can be a hybrid of colors. I just have to absorb the strengths and weaknesses of each person breathing on this world. I figured out how I tend to be insecure with a dominant yellow. 'Cuz I am leaning towards the green aura. After all these guide, I am still being consistent on my comfort zone. Perhaps, just growing in a church, school, home inside a province activates my introversion more.

I can also be a lot. In just one sit, I can blurt out everything what I knew. I just lack of performance to do in front of people. That is why going out in a workshops seems invisible and wallflower. At the same time, I am more into declutter than reinvension.

Baguio, La Union, Boracay.

I think this is the moment that I am not part of the conformity. I am sad and ashamed. Right time, wrong travel agency or no support.

The only consolation prizes that I gifted to myself was attending my pilates/yoga and dance classes. I feel temporarily alive with my mind and body. After all, I am just a fallen soldier of illusions. In the past few weeks, I am driven with a goal which at the end I didn't achieve. I wanna cry but there's no tears left. As if whenever I ask for something, it was all damn pessimist.

They gave me a consolation which is prolly I do not expect it too much because it takes too long for them to give a feedback online. I felt so scammed even though this travel agency comes out as legit. Maybe, they only prioritize people by group pax than solo joiners. Their short notice in terms of diverting the tours at La Union. I only based this on their communications online. I felt like my P500.00 fee has been floated on their end. I really want to complain on their service as their customer however, I also work as an admin personnel. Being an empath (which is a both blessing and a curse), I stayed professional and make fun of my disappointment. I also do not expect my mother and father to support me further. Once a negative approach has been heard, I know they can already mirror and pressed down the detail more. I do not find any positive note or support on their tones.

Additionally, when things does not run into my favor. I also get robbed by a thrift store by P300.00. The product that I ask has been returned to the seller. Then, the seller does not respond anymore to my chats which is also from Davao. I do not know if it is quite insensitive for me to ask them since their place has a state of calamities such as earthquake. So unfortunate.

This was such a huge sign for me to booked that solo joiner. It was my turning point to go on my own. This is also my humble beginning as I prepare myself in my future travels independently. I wanna start to travel by North Luzon. My native language was Ilocano which is close to by heart not just seeing myself as a tourist but a local in genetics.

I have a huge passion in being progressive away from spotlight.

My birthday wish: Stay in Baler, Aurora might be safe and sound. God might give me the travelling mercy. Discernment in times of being a wanderer. The strangers that I have to talk with are all nice people.

Hindi ako mapakali, I have been waiting for decades. This is my first time to take risk on my own outside my town. I'm scared. I only have my faith. May ilang araw pa ko na nasa puder ng tradisyon at trabaho.

One thing that irritates me is to escape. 🥺 Temporarily, get out of my job and traditions.

I am currently tenured at my job, same home and family to be. Everyday, my basic necessities are fully provided. Single and slow burning to love myself again. That's it!

This is telling me that I am too compact and stagnant. I am praying that God will provide everything on my birth month. I wish I can start to travel on my own even for a short period of time. Tho, I have enough money to treat my family on my birthday.

I stalked someone else again. Then, trying to compare our worlds. Big fat sigh.

I always wanna be my own.

I change my spectrum. I think she was my inspo. Until, I became more realistic. My niche and branding differs

Private socmed, whimsy, EA, single, slow burning loving myself again.

I also have a lot of hobbies and side quests too.

I lean too much on the private side wherein I only have tiny potential being a public figure. I lean too much on my family and traditions to the point I am so lost and confused to get out of my comfort zone.

I grew up so studious, geek and nerd.

I grew up in a church which I thought that was only my talent. Devotions. Testimonials. Memorizing bible verses.

Until now, I do not have an idea to commute or rarely go at Manila alone.

I do not have an experience at air fare yet.

My potentials are all gone to waste. I love my bed too much.

One thing I learned soon, I must learn how to face the inconvenience with guidance and safety through prayers. I know trial and errors during the practical and first time.

Real time update: it's raining at the moment.

I wanna glow up by spending my needs aside from my family but also to celebrate my individuality.

I am starting to see myself as a solo joiner in a lot of places, land tours specifically in the Philippines.

I am starting to love my fits and be stylish.

Maintaining my PiYo once a week.

I might disappear in one settings, they can't find me right away. I am born whimsy.