Hi Beautiful

God clearly I'm depressed. I've visited Tumblr more in the past month than I have in like 5 years.

Why do things have to be so hard. I thought maybe finally stuff was going good but now I have covid and I'm missing work which I can't afford....I'm so tired man

I didnt have too many hopes for today after how I felt last night. I certainly didn't expect to be smacked in the face with another blow at 5 am when I'm heading to work. Someone literally ripped my license plate in half. Is this punishment for me saying I want to die? How exactly is this supposed to be an incentive for me to wanna live?

My favorite thing on this earth is reading and now even that causes me pain. I can't read anything without some form of devastation hitting me in the middle of a book. Why can't I find happiness.

Maybe suicide want ever a sin. Maybe some random asshole just threw that in the Bible as a control tactic. I can't imagine that africans that killed themselves to avoid being slaves have been sentenced to eternity in hell. Why punished people for being sad and desperate to escape. Maybe I'm just trying to talk myself into finally doing it myself.

I hate myself. I feel like I deserve nothing. I'm fat and ugly and repulsive. I can't bare to look at myself most days I am disgusted by my bosy and every flaw. I am lonely and I am exhausted from pretending everyday that I don't want to die. I hate waking up everyday. I have bo hope for the future. I miss when I was deep into my eating disorder because even though I was still fucked up at least I wasn't disgusting. I wish I had the energy to at least exercise or the will to stop eating. I'm so pathetic. I wish I knew for sure God wasn't real because I'd end it all right now. But I'm so scared that there's something worse waiting for me when I die.

Hard to reach for dreams you never had.

Today I want to die. Today I feel fat and ugly and unworthy of comfort. Today I am disgusting. Today I am nothing and everything wrong at the same time. Today I hate myself. But Today is no different than yesterday. And tomorrow will be the same