hippylovebug

I spent months in PT 2x a week, walking laps around my house and the neighborhood pool, just to be slammed backwards when that truck hit me.

Yes, I have degenerative disc disease, and one day I probably would have needed more surgeries and potentially a fusion; it’s genetic. However, that man’s choice escalated the severity of my situation by causing damage that it can’t possibly come back from on its own. So, spinal fusion it is.

I’m already so exhausted and the person I used to be is still on that pavement. I worry I won’t be able to cope, that I won’t be brave enough or strong enough to not just survive, but learn how to thrive again.

I also have about 15% trust in myself and my ability to trust/listen to my body. That is thanks to decades of abuse and medical neglect as a child, but that’s a different story, and is just for context. I fear so much that I’ve got it wrong and I haven’t tried hard enough to heal without surgery. I fear after surgery I will twist or bend without thinking, and I’ll ruin the work done and not trust myself enough to get help. Please note I’m also aware this is definitely part of my OCD. OCD or not, awareness and all, doesn’t seem to change how deeply I feel it all.

I’m doing my best out here, but the fear and anxiety are putting up a good fight.

This month my tumblr turned 15. So, 35 year old me is feeling a bit ancient returning to this space. However, a lot has changed and somethings not at all, but one thing that seems to have remained for sure is my need for a space to have my thoughts out in the world, rather than just in my busy head.

So, the last year-ish..

December 2024 I had surgery for endometriosis, scar tissue removal, and IUD insertion.

I woke up with pain and numbness down my legs and in my lower back.

New Years 2025 I was ending up in the ER due to the pain and how it was impacting my blood pressure.

January 2025 my 2nd ER visit I was admitted to manage my pain and blood pressure; they did injections and released me after 2 or 3 days.

February 2025 I get another in injection and returned to work from my short term disability.

April 2025 after the injections were not successful, decompression surgery was scheduled for the 14th. I was laid off on the 7th.

May - August 2025 is pain, recovery, job hunting very unsuccessfully

August 29th 2025, I accept a non-profit community role with my local queer makers market.

August 30th 2025, I am on my weekly bike ride with my wife, since neurosurgeon released me late July, and she crossed a marked and signed trail crossing where a blue pick up approached but slowed down. I followed some feet behind her, and he had not fully stopped, and not seeing me, hits me as he drive through crossing.

Don't worry the year keeps shitting on us, but honestly, from the moment I woke up vomiting on the pavement my life was altered. My back more fucked up than it ever was along with my mental health.

This trauma, the medical trauma following, and the trauma of existing in a world full of brutality has disappeared the person I had worked so hard to become. I need to find a way to find them and/or rebuild them again in a way I can be proud of.