himynameisken

Self-pity is such a lonely world to live in, you should not recount your misery daily; instead, you must encourage yourself to count your blessings. Maybe someone left you without closure, you failed an exam, or you lost something you hold dear to your heart. You are now left with a void, a deep excavation waiting to be filled again.

Maybe it’s time to realize that you should not search for someone to fill your void. Maybe its time to see that this empty space is yours to fill alone, to discover that what lies underneath has a potential to overflow once you explore, hone and appreciate it.

Maybe it’s time to realize that pain is only painful if we give attention to it. That every nerve in our being can be taught to limit the sensation- that we can choose to acknowledge or deny ourselves of that burden of hurting.

It’s painful, sad, and drowning to feel alone sometimes, so it is essential to recognize these feelings, but it’s also important not to give in to them. When we are allowed to discern what’s wrong, that gift should enable us to think a few steps ahead of the misery that we might head into. So recognize your pain, but do not give in to it. You can always do something about it, it may not be direct action against what made you wounded, but at least, it can be mitigation- and even a strength to pull you up when the burden of life seems to be pushing you down.

I tried to search for love to escape myself, to escape everything that is wrong about me, I yearned for a validation I cannot give myself, a hope that I cannot provide, and so I searched for a love that will save me.

Only to find out that it is so self-destructive to rely on someone else's love to fill the void. On hindsight, I realize that no one can fill my cup but me. Courage is such a rare trait, but when you search deep within, it will always be there.

So since then, I have convinced myself that in order for others to value my worth, I have to value mine first. And that courage, the one that hides underneath the flesh of self-doubt, will reveal itself when I have no other choice but to face life at face value.

I woke up with the same amount of sadness. I thought running at the gym can increase my endorphins but it just made me feel more tired.  It’s so amusing how I can give great advice to my friends yet I can't even get a grip of my own emotions. I feel a whirlwind of doubt, self loath and sadness right now, Acceptance is a mile ahead and my feet aren’t up for the running anymore. I wish there is a way to mitigate this feeling of being sad, less of a man and in despair. What’s worse is that I cannot talk to other people about it, because they will just say that it’s going to be alright and I'm done pretending that it will be. It feels like no one will understand how I feel and I'm all alone in carrying this baggage.  

What do I really feel?

I feel like a failure, a rotten root waiting to be consumed by the soil I am buried in. I feel like everyone’s life is getting better while mine is dissipating. It’s as if I have nothing else to live for, I have no dream, no ambition and I live day by day with just the thought of getting by. I wonder if I am meant for anything more, or will my shattered pieces glue themselves back together by their own. I am fazed by this feeling of being stuck, of being alone in my own world. I cannot function well, I am beginning to shut other people out of my life because I don’t want them to get involved in my misery.

I woke up this morning with the same amount of sadness.

I am tired.

If I were to be selfish, I don’t want him to go. I’drather talk to him all night about random things that we find interesting. i’d rather listen to his voice and smile whenever he laughs so hard. But I want him to be happy because today he is sad.

I cannot hold him against what I want because I am not in the position to do so. Ano ba naman ang kaya ko i offer compared dun sa dentist na super gwapo daw, I cannot stop him from seeing the “ cute dentist” because he sounded so happy when he talked about him. I cannot stop him from going because we don’t really have a clear definition of what we are and imposing is not my greatest trait.

I don’t want him to go but I cannot stop him, because he needs someone to cheer him up tonight and I physically cannot. I’m so sorry that I cannot be with him because I have so many things going on, if I could just set aside the responsibilities and hug him all day, I would.

I am sorry because I am limited, and my limitations are exactly what he needs right now.