無常

if wanting never made sense, then i was never sane when i let you in.

you, who pushed me past the brink of my limits, only to fall into an abyss of more -

to watch me lose control over myself, to crack open all that i never knew existed within me.

& i am still falling.

when i look at what i've created around me, the magnitude of this landscape i've tried so hard to conceal becomes a gaping void.

we contain multitudes but all i see is the world i built for us.

& all i have is the ability to love through all the ego deaths & transformations, until the day comes where perhaps i am no longer recognizable because love has changed me.

I still have things I wanna tell you.

Small things;

Something that happened today,

A joke you would’ve liked.

Then I remember:

An ending no one would’ve guessed.

Just time moving forward

And taking you with it.

Somehow the world kept going

Just like it’s supposed to

Some days,

Most days,

Mine still stops with you.

I love you forever.

to grieve over a decade of memories & places i’ve been to; it’s true when they say you don’t get over grief, you just learn how to live with it. i am less disjointed whenever an abrupt emotion rises up with a faded memory, but it feels so hard to shake the parts of me where a part of you still resides in. call it sentimentality, but i guess i have already come to accept that because you were there, i can be here now.

maybe with the shedding that comes with every full moon, i am allowed to remember you in a space where it’s just me, so i can be with the you who once loved me.

if i could express a huge, tired sigh-

& how in each of them

they’re a continuation of all the things i could not express

only for an avalanche of unspoken words long overdue to take over my emotions in a dreamscape

& even then i am confronted by the confusion, the ambiguity, the lukewarm responses that tells me

i am never getting the answers i want from you

is this just the stress & suppressed emotions processing

or is this some karmic bullshit release

between the sleepless nights, the pile of unread articles, the literature research i am expected to be doing;

the cases, the sessions, the meetings & oh god, the admin firefighting

& simply finding a pocket of space for me to just take a breath

to decompress & to release all that i’ve been holding onto

i know i get so tired trying to do everything alone

i’m learning to be okay with being less perfect, because someone reminded me that being perfect means trying to be omnipotent

but all i am, is just human

a sensitive human who is taking in so so much & trying to process every little thing - it’s just too much, everything is too much.

i am trying to just be. to & be more connected, grounded.

i’m trying to be more conservative in how i am spending my energy currency, & pay attention to what i’m spending on

sn’t it ironic we attach the verb to pay to attention? i’ll need to give over in exchange for something. funny, language has a way of hiding things in plain sight. i’ll need to compensate something in exchange for attention. i’m being reminded again, to be more discerning of what i am compensating in exchange for my focus on something.

i just can’t afford to be paying attention to every single goddamn thing, it’s literally killing me & sucking my soul dry.

i’m sleepless, exhausted, & just trying my best to be great at all i’m doing. but i just don’t have the energy & capacity to be at my best for every single thing on my plate right now.

it’s october, & i am desperate to end this cycle. in a few weeks’ time, it would be 3 years.

3 years of hard work put in to accept that you were both the harbinger of my greatest joy & grief in the peak of my youth.

& people wonder why i just can’t:

- listen to another word of whatever is going on

- rearrange my facial features into looking like i have a fk ounce of empathy left

- stay grounded in whatever space i’m in because their energies + everything else have just tipped into the too much zone

i thought i found the closest thing to it

beneath your arm with my ear on your beating heart

when that dissolved into an illusion

i learned that i had to be my home for me

this pains me but i can’t for the life of me connect with any permanent line of reasoning to convince myself i like this besides knowing that i can do it.