Everyday Jokes. Everyday Josh.

Chipotle has a phone number that customers can text “raincheck” to for a burrito coupon. It’s for all those people out there that really want e. coli but don’t want to shell out the $9 for a burrito.

Already under fire, more E. Coli cases have been linked to Chipotle. Said one Chipotle Burrito, "ehhh we've done worse to toilets than this!".

Two snakes who were thought to be extinct were found swimming off the coast of Australia this week. Or as Heidi Montag and Spencer Pratt put it—”we gotta vacation somewhere!”

Two snakes who were thought to be extinct were found swimming off the coast of Australia this week. Or as Snookie and J-Wow put it—”we gotta vacation somewhere!”

In its opening weekend, Star Wars: The Force Awakens made $500 Million in the box office. It turns out it’s not so hard for the force to awaken for $170 million a day.

In its opening weekend, Star Wars: The Force Awakens made $500 Million in the box office. But hey, you’d awaken too for $170 million a day.

A major blunder for Steve Harvey this weekend — he announced the wrong winner of the 2015 Miss Universe Pageant. In other news, a major blunder for network TV this weekend— they held a contest that ranks women based on how they look in a swimsuit!

Steve Harvey announced the wrong Miss Universe 2015 winner live on Television Sunday night. I’m not sure if we should blame Steve Harvey for the mistake, or network TV for still holding a contest that ranks women based on how they look in a swimsuit.

A report shows that the unemployment rate has fallen in 27 states despite broad hiring. Experts say that the decline is primarily due to the fact that the Department of Labor does not count being an “Etsy Merchant” as a being employed.

A report shows that the unemployment rate has fallen in 27 states despite broad hiring. Experts say that the decline is primarily due to the fact that the Department of Labor does not count  as a "being employed.”

Will Smith said that his children, Willow and Jaden stopped listening to him a long time ago. I’m no expert, but it must have been some time between Wild Wild West and Men In Black II.

Will Smith said that his children, Willow and Jaden stopped listening to him a long time ago. But hey, you’d stop listening to your dad too if he was in the movie Hitch.

Will Smith said that his children, Willow and Jaden stopped listening to him a long time ago. I imagine they stopped listening to him the same time the rest of us did—after Hitch came out.

An Applebee’s waiter turned over $32,000 in cash that was left at a table. The person who lost the money later claimed it and said they had planned to use the money to purchase the Applebee’s franchise, however they decided that just leaving it on the table would be a more responsible decision.

Dustin Diamond, the actor who played Screech on Saved by the Bell was arrested today for stabbing a man. But hey, you’d be mad too if the last show you were on was VH1′s Celebrity Fit Club.

“Star Wars” and “Walking Dead” fans are working together to create one shared universe. It’s leaving many questioning if it will be possible to fit an entire universe into one mom’s basement.

“Star Wars” and “Walking Dead” fans are working together to create one shared universe. They’re calling it the Walking Wars, but their significant others are telling them to Start Walking”

“Star Wars” and “Walking Dead” fans are working together to create one shared universe. They’re saying that in this universe, anyone can get laid.

A cave-in swallowed 12 cars in an IHOP parking lot in Mississippi yesterday, and it’s still not the most mass consumed by a single entity at an IHOP.

A report says that there is a secret chamber in King Tut's tomb. Hey, even 19 year old kings need somewhere to hide their playboys. 

Doctors warn of days-long, drug-fueled orgies with averages of 5 partners called "Chemsex". Doctors may be calling it “chemsex,” but participants are referring to it as “college” 

A cat shot its owner with a 9mm gun. It then exclaimed, “who’s the pussy now?!”

California lawmakers say that in the future, all hot dogs may require a warning label. The label is going to say, “Warning, this food looks like a penis!”

California lawmakers say that in the future, all hot dogs may require a warning label. The label is going to say, “If you are over the age of 12 you should not be eating this!”

California lawmakers say that in the future, all hot dogs may require a warning label. The label is going to say, “Warning, you’re about to eat a hot dog!”

A study on howler monkeys showed that the louder the monkey’s howl, the smaller the testicles. Which caused one howler monkey to whisper, [Whispering] “Yeah, what’s up with those loud guys?”

A study on howler monkeys showed that the louder the monkey’s howl, the smaller the testicles. Which caused one howler monkey to whisper, [Whispering] “No way...I don’t believe it guys?”

QUIZ: Is An Actual Handicap Person Waiting To Use Your Stall While You Take This Quiz?

ARTICLE: 6 Chin Straps Every Teen Dad Should Grow

ARTICLE: These 8 Dads Will Yell At You Even Though They’re Not Your Dad

ARTICLE: The 11 Worst Kissers At My Local Middle School

VIDEO: Americans Try Cloudy Dumpster Liquid For The First Time

QUIZ: Which Of My Stepdad’s Abusive Habits Do You Have

BLOG: Why I Made My Toddler Read The ‘Pulp Fiction’ Script Before Watching The Movie

BLOG: You Will Definitely Feel Differently About Me After Looking At These 18 Pictures I Took Of My Sleeping Roommate Jeff

VIDEO: Aww! These Pandas Aren’t Just Adorable, What They Do Next Will Surprise You (NSFW If Your Work Prohibits Animals Doing It)!

ARTICLE: What You Eat When You’re 17 VS. What You Eat When You’re 38 And Imprisoned For Armed Robbery

A group of college students used an iPhone app to find their missing friend. Who knew Tinder can be used for something other than hooking up?

Zoe Deschanel and husband David Pechenik have named their firstborn baby after an animal. The decision is leaving many questioning if the world really needed another person named Donald Trump.