thoughts from the highway

it's been four years since i started trying to befriend you. i tried to start a conversation but failed. it made me feel stupid but one day you played some weird song about muffins in the hallway at school and i think that's where it started. i think i commented it and i think we talked about it and i think our conversation about that song was where we started bonding.

it's been three years since we became friends. i don't remember exactly how it happened, it was like we'd always been that close. it was good. we were good.

it's been two years since i had a crush on that guy at our school. even though you'd jokingly shipped us for ages before then you hated it, because you had to listen to my long rants about how horrible having a crush was. i felt a bit stupid for being so ridiculous, but i mostly just found it funny.

it's been two years since that night at the festival where things started turning around. i still had a crush on that guy, and when i saw him there i got all giddy. but around 11 pm, when we were both tired and happy and a bit dizzy standing in a line somewhere i looked at you through the haze in my brain and i remember feeling something. i think i'd been feeling it coming for a while by then, but that night was when i somehow began to realize what was happening. i remember us riding our bikes home together in the dark that night. the ground was wet from rain and when we rode through the forest you tried to scare me and through it all, i was almost subconsciously realizing something.

it's been two years since i realized that i was in love. and suddenly that boy at our school didn't matter anymore, because you were so beautiful and i'd never even seen that before. i'd never seen how wonderful you really were and i remember hoping you didn't see yourself as ugly because you weren't. you were beautiful. so, so beautiful.

it's been two years since we went to the supermarket and bought tons and tons of candy and food for the sleepover we were having. i remember you saying imagine if we're still doing this in ten years, imagine what people will think, they'll think we're the world's weirdest lesbian couple, and the sentence sounded like a joke but the way you said it was more than half serious. and i couldn't help but think that i wanted us to be the world's weirdest lesbian couple. but i didn't tell you that, of course, i just laughed. and you said people can believe whatever they want and you sounded so serious when you said it and i thought; yeah.

yeah, they can.

it's been two years since you called me on the day the school year ended and i didn't pick up. it's been two years since you left a voicemail that i listened to a few minutes later sitting on the floor next to my bed. you told me i meant a lot to you and you were grateful for this school year and i remember trying to fight back the tears to avoid ruining my makeup but in the end i couldn't stop them from slipping out and drawing traces down my cheeks. i remember trying to hide my face when i went to the bathroom to wash the grey mascara traces away so my family wouldn't ask me why i had been crying.

it's been two years since the summer i went to copenhagen and fall out boy's latest album was the soundtrack of my life. it's been two years since i spoke to you over the phone on the train and almost cried. it's been two years since i was in a hotel bed imagining you lying next to me with your arms around me. i remember imagining the conversation we'd be having if you were there, if you loved me back. i don't remember what the conversation was about but i remember that i was happy. i was always happy with you.

it's been two years since we started drifting apart. my crush was slowly fading away. i met the person who would eventually become the next big love of my life, and he had black messy hair and braces, he had ripped jeans and shared my taste in pretty much everything and i fell headfirst down into complete madness. i would eventually lose myself in trying to please him, trying to be enough for him, but two years ago you were still an important aspect of my life and even though we never got together i felt like i was cheating on you when i obsessed over him. i got over it, though. and so much had changed, i'd changed the way i identified and before i knew it i was coming out to you on a couch at 11:53 pm and it was wonderful. you were wonderful.

it was the beginning of the end, though, because that night was the last one i spent at your house. and then we slowly stopped talking. we slowly stopped texting and having long late night phone calls. we slowly stopped hanging out at school. i slowly started pulling away and isolating myself. and one year ago, i was alone.

today, i sat with you on a couch at school, and i cried. we were about to leave it forever; this fall we're both starting separate schools. and i cried and cried and i said you meant so fucking much to me, you mean so fucking much to me, and you rubbed my back and said you too and no matter how many mistakes i've made or will make i didn't make the mistake of not telling you how much you mean to me and i will always be grateful for that.

i don't know if i'll ever see you again. maybe i'll get to watch you through social media; seeing your new life grow. maybe i'll see you in town some day. catch a little glimpse of the new you.