Don't Believe the Hype

You have come to the right place! Trust me, I’m an extremely experienced wilderness survival person. Or whatever survival people are called. You know, the drink-my-own-pee guy who will totally eat a lizard even though there’s a Snickers in his pocket just to prove what a badass he is. Alright, I’m not technically experienced but I have seen lots of Bear Grylls shows and I have all his calendars and insulated compression underwear and stuff like that, so I know what I’m talking about. 

Hang on, I have to go read the question again.

OK, so the person you obviously don’t want to eat is Alex, right off the bat. He’s got nice skin and all but that won’t matter once you jam an apple in his mouth and spitroast him over a roaring flame. With a body that skinny and frail, there’s no effective way to cook him evenly. he’ll be burnt black on the outside and completely raw inside the bone area (bone area is a medical term you probably don’t know). what you want are the savory juices and bold flavors that can only come from fat. 

Everybody knows that, so they’ll instantly say I’m barbecuing the hell out of Nick first chance I get. But this is the absolute wrong decision. Fat should only be a small part of the portions, not the whole thing. It’s for flavor and greasing the pan mostly. Top doctors who are me all agree that Nick has at least a 93% body fat percentage, so unfortunately he’s almost as poor a choice as Alex. Still, Nick is indeed superior because you can use the extra fat to make candles, which are important.

We know your body needs all the protein it can get in a harsh wilderness environment, and we know it needs some fat but not tons of it. Jamie Cook is the answer. He’s strong and muscular, but not ripped and fat free like some steroid junkie. You can make incredible steaks and tacos out of Jamie if you make skilled cuts. As an added bonus, Jamie has Rosacea, which means his skin is always red. Obviously, it’s been known since Medieval Times that Rosy-skinned children have the sweetest, most savory meat. This really expands your options: collect some low-lying vegetables (gourds, potatoes, carrots, fragrant leaves and herbs) and make yourself a delectable Jamie pie.  mmmm. The best part is, when the pot is boiling and you have him tied up above it like Bugs Bunny in a cartoon, at the last minute you can give him a dramatic look and go “Who’s the Cook now, James?!!” Then you’d obviously do one of those maniacal mwa-ha-ha villain laughs.

their friendship is actually the cutest thing

first they were just neighbours and really good friends who went to primary school together and now they’ve headlined glastonbury twice and performed at the olympics together..