The Word Vomit of My Heart

You went back though didn’t you? Even after you promised your best friends that you wouldn’t You went back just to remind yourself why you left in the first place Just to feel it all one more time You went back because you thought it would be different this time didn’t you? Even after your mother told you boys like him will never realise what they’ve done Tell me did he make your heart beat butterflies this time? Or was it the same old fire in the bottom of your stomach? The feeling you swore you could never handle a second time round Tell me where did running back to him get you? Was the breakdown in the school bathroom all worth it for one more day of feeling him? Was the second heartbreak anything like the first? Did it teach you anything about running back? Please tell me you’ve finally learnt that boys like him will always feed you poison And girls like you will always swallow it whole

I deleted your number so that I wouldn’t be able to call you on a day like this Where I can hardly breathe without you I can hardly breathe at the thought that you’re not here and it’s been one of those days where you’re the only one I know who can make it better I can’t stop crying and I’m so scared Cause what if you’re the only one who’s ever gonna love me or worse what if you’re the only one I’m ever gonna be able to love like I loved you The naive kind of love I can’t believe I was so lucky to love you kind of love Leaving you was the hardest thing I’ve ever had to do kind of love I’m crying on the train home with tears smearing my lips With my heart bleeding so hard I feel like it could pour out onto the train tracks But you’re gone You’re gone I know that you’re gone

If you are reading this, you have survived your entire life up until this point, you have survived traumas, heartbreak, davastation, the different phases of life and here you are, you go, you are awesome.

I wish you could live in my brain for a week, it’s washed with the most violent waves of emotion.