Need Parking Brake

I need to go see her before God takes her back. I don’t know how im going to do it. Im broke with no savings.

There's a new lady in town and she was hired to lighten our work load. She was supposed to be my equal but she acts like she's better than me. Because of her being older than me? Being older doesn't mean you know better and I have observed that between her and I. So she confides with me that the title she was hired for was as a fabric coordinator and that the position was higher than mine. Now it makes sense why whenever I asked her to help me with this and that duty she doesn't do it. The stuff I need help with is beneath her. I was also accused of not teaching her how to do something in the work program. Good thing Lorena remembers that I did. One time she threw a mild tantrum over not knowing the procedures. Lorena answered professionally that there are no set procedures set in stone. We learn as we go along. She's my people and she's the first one who I don't seem to feel comfortable with. Shes a rich business woman back in the pjolippines. She had her share of affairs and a taste of different men so she says. She's back with her husband. She's only here because of her skin treatment. I know she's getting paid more money for the same duties that I do. The job posted was my duties but for more money. It's unfair to me but it's hard to find another job.

Dear Diary, it is Sunday the day after our second wedding photography gig. my feet are killing me, my arms are hurting, my leg by the knee part is hurting from kneeling down, my back too is hurting. now i understand why wedding photographers charge an arm and a leg for their work. it is quite justified. this is hard work. wedding photography is hard core shit compared to events and birthdays and baptisms. those are easy peasy compared to a whole day event of dealing with lots and lots of people. we were asked to be there at 9am. we were 11 min late. when we got there none of the bridesmaids wants their picture taken. because they weren't done. the 👰🏽 isn't ready nor was the groom. the hotel space was tiny and their were a bunch of people in it already. lessons learned on this 2nd stint: always bring EXTRA batteries for your camera and the flash. i only had one extra camera battery and 2 extra sets for the flash but that wasn't enough at all. i was alternately charging my batteries and waiting for it to charge and in this business--- this isn't right baby. always bring EXTRA sd cards. i ended up doing a quick delete in one of my cards because the event has barely ended and we were out of space. when your a team of 3 make sure your team member is there right from the start. my brother at the last minute decided that he wasn't needed in the hotel in the morning for the 👰🏽 prep. boy were we wrong. now i don't have enough pictures of the 👰🏽 getting ready. the entourage wants their picture taken so guess what we were doing? Bring water and food to last you the entire day. they have food but i felt too shy from eating their food. i was very thankful that i have a water bottle but that wasnt enough to last me the entire day. the ⛪️ didn't have air conditioner. seriously! we were dying. if they have a photography shot list - demand it days before the event. we were handed OURS at the middle of the event! i didn't even review it because i 💭 it was just the damn day schedule. then when we got to the reception one of the coordinators was asking ARE YOU ON SCHEDULE? im like I DONT KNOW?!!! she said you have a paper to follow. WHAT PAPER?!!! the coordinators weren't friendly with us either. no hi or hello to the photographers. they're tired, we're tired. let's just do our jobs and stay away from each other. i hate it when someone who doesn't do my job is telling me how to do it. There will always be a better photographer at this events. this wedding party had two professionals attending. my first 💭 was THEN WHY THE 🖕🏽 DID THEY HIRE US AND NOT THEM? the son does photography and videography of some sort. i 💭 he was being cute by asking me what my past projects were. Little did i know that i was being sized up and ⬇️ for my resume. at the ⛪️, a couple came in late dressed formally and had big ass PROFESSIONAL EXPENSIVE HEAVY ass cameras with them. I WAS READY TO QUIT AS SOON AS I SAW IT. WTF. i 💭 they did they hire another photographers and forgot to tell us?!!! since were just starting out our gadgets were babies compared to theirs. i retreated and QUIT inside my self. I QUIT I QUIT and then sat down. i asked myself WHY THE 🖕🏽 AM I DOING THIS? without even knowing if the couple was going to pay us or this was a thank you gig. i got a chance to strike a conversation with the guy and the girl. they used to do wedding photography about 2 years ago. he takes the pictures and she is the editor. he got tired of the business because people expect you to charge as he said KMART prices. that's 😞 and true. talking to them made me less angry and intimidated. one ⏳⏰⏱ at my cousin's wedding in Seattle i brought my camera with me and took pictures of my own. they probably hated me for doing their job but atleast i wasn't acting like i was the main photographer.

he’s a good guy and im just an ungrateful bitch.

there was a time when making eye contact and socializing was a big ordeal and a dreaded moment. now that im older it still is the same but this time ive realized that there are times that you need to build relationships to keep yourself from going insane and to advance in life.

the first month of January went by quickly. yesterday we took Leslie out for her birthday dinner. the supposedly ramen dinner at little Tokyo became a Chinese food dinner at chinatown. thanks to the ten million other people who decided to be in downtown -traffic and no parking equals two husbands who were mad as hell. shes very pregnant with her second son. she told me that they bought a house in the valley. wow. gasp. omg. amazing... i thought they were originally moving to a new apartment with 2 bedrooms. theyve been looking for a house for a year now and they found a 3 bedroom 1.5 bath in Arleta with a huge backyard. it looked beautiful in the pictures. i am less jealous and more proud of her. matthew doesn't exactly want to live in the valley. but it would be nice to have a house to call your own. i am going to take pictures of her in her new house while shes pregnant. may 15 is leslie's birth week. shes going to give birth near me at cedar sinai. ____________ im starting to get a hang of being a one person assistant. the buyers separating is like having parents going on a rough divorce. lorena wants her shit separated from us. okay then. her assistant is starting to get catty with me. i don't like it. karol invited jenn out for drinks last Friday but did not extend the invitation at all to me. hmmm... outcasted and hurt a little bit. but i don't care much because they're like ghetto teenagers to me is all. i made friends with a guy from work. he's a young Ardee. maybe i miss ardee. we went out for lunch on dec 31 and he helped me with my groceries. the day before his birthday (19th) we went out for lunch to yoshinoya. im taking him out this Friday for his birthday at ipic. i don't like that those 2 ghetto teenagers are making fun of me for going out with other people. i don't like it when they make fun of my pronunciation and my music. im back to being bullied. one day i snapped and got catty with jenn for commenting that my music sounded like she was on acid. i said i do want to hear comments anymore. i stopped broadcasting my music and started listening via my headphones or maybe with my speakers in really soft volumes or when they're gone in loud volume. back to jenn- shes having boyfriend problems. her bf is 34 and still parties like he's 20. warehouse parties and recreational drugs doesn't sound like he's ready for a serious ready to settle down relationship to me. she should drop him in my opinion. but i cant say that to her because what if they worked things out then ill be the douche friend. im really bad with comfort words. i don't even know what to answer her when she texted me. and she rarely text me. ______________ we took joy and her hubby for their birthday lunch at the Room. i invited Aireen because i don't want her to find out later on. joy and I pretended that Kenneth paid for his share. found out that day that my brother never paid for my tamales. wth. so she really gets pissy when it comes to money. since i got her an uber ride sometime in December for $10 so i still owed her $8 which she included with her share of the bill at the sushi restau. when aireen left Fabric Ave i told her don't sign the stupid non compete. she did and stood by her lie. wena has seen her on the bus to work. her customers have sent orders and their driver to the wrong location. and now they wont release the rest of her commission. _______________ They raise our rent to $2180 and the manager sucks balls. _______________

The title/hashtag calls for me to have a big party. But I didn't plan things well. 15 years ago I was a rebellious kid who was just doing everything to fuck up her life. I am thankful for God's mysterious ways because I didn't end up fucked up fifteen years later. I live in America with my family, I'm married to my soulmate and I live an almost comfortable life. I would have been a fat loser who's a single mother. That could have been my story in an alternate universe. I am thankful and should be thankful for how things turned out to be. My LA BFF who I haven't seen in months shows up at my place unannounced with her family bringing palabok, lumpia, cake, flowers and a balloon. No one has done anything like that for me. I didn't even expect anything from her because I thought she totally forgot about me. My family bought me my first expensive branded bag that's more than $250. #toryburch in red. My hubby got me Garbage tickets from months ago. Thank you Lord for my blessed life.

My wedding day on Feb 27, 2010 was not my dream wedding. It's not anyone's. I rented a dingy motel room that smelled like piss close to the wedding chapel. I painted my own nails which turned out awful. I didn't have any makeup artist. I took my own pre-wedding photos. We didn't have any 'limo' to take us to the venue. My mom had to ask her friend to pick us up in his suv box. We even ran late even if we were just a few streets away. It was humid and raining. We got married in a house converted to look like a chapel. By a woman named Myra who's in house veil from the 80's I had to borrow. We didn't even think about flowers. In fact there wouldn't be any if my aunt-in-law didn't volunteer to do them. She did my favorite, white tulips. My groom wasn't in a tux. There was no walking down the aisle with beautiful music as there's no space for that. Or the time for that as we paid for the cheapest service they have. My "closest friend" at that time couldn't even make it to the event. Her closest friend did. None of my relatives and best friends that I grew up with were there. My wedding pictures were from my own point and shoot camera. I was practically my own amateur photographer. My reception was at some restaurant in Chinatown. I had to ask my mom to pay for the lunch. We occupied two tables. No dj. No rehearsed dancing. Not even a wedding cake to split. Or the ceremonial champagne to drink. Or the first dance or dance with your dad. This is why I cry when I see beautiful weddings. Because I didn't have the luxury to have one. I had a shitty job at that time that didn't make enough to afford anything beautiful. I don't even like the number twenty-seven. We chose that day because the groom's dad was well enough that time to come down to Los Angeles. I had to rush to buy my $200 wedding dress. It broke me so much I couldn't even afford the $50 veil that would go along with it. But you know what all that matters is that I'm in a good partnership with a man who takes care of me and doesn't look at other woman. We're not $50,000 broke like other couples who maxed out their cards just to have a pretty wedding. We have each other. But beautiful wedding videos never fail to make me cry. Maybe because deep inside there's still that little girl who wanted to wear a beautiful wedding dress and be accompanied by her parents to walk down the aisle.

Finally left Fabric Avenue by the end of April. At the first two weeks I was like in kindergartens were I must see my mother. I keep calling and texting. I want to feel needed. But they moved on without me. Then I accepted that I'm doing something else now. Sam didn't stop me. Penny said I'm welcome to come back if this doesn't work out. They gave me a Korean BBQ dinner. I'm taking home per week what I used to take home in 2 weeks. New company pays overtime and holidays. I am not stressed because I no longer have heavy responsibilities compared to before. This time i play the part of an assistant who gets paid better. At first I wasn't used to being some else's bitch. But I just try to think what would I want my assistant to do. It gets sleepy boring though. Excitement and stress isn't there. I end up typing while standing up because I would find myself closing my eyes. I think my right eye needs surgery again. Keep seeing the white passing thing. But we don't have the funds. I'm afraid to go blind. But we don't have the funds. I'm so afraid to go blind. I don't want to be dependent on people. Parents got their green cards. Dad got his last. Document problems. They flew back to Manila for three weeks. I felt like their parent and they were my kids who I need to know where they are everyday. I'm scared for their plane, for the holdapers. We took Leslie out for her birthday last jan. no one took out my husband. It wasn't my birthday but I'm the one that felt like I was disrespected. Rumors spread about me being poor and jobless. Maybe they saw Kaye? But Leslie felt bad only for a moment. We don't go out anymore. Text messaging are rare. I don't know what happened. Did she reads my tweets? I don't know. I apologized when I saw her for Mikes birthday but I didn't know what I was apologizing to her for. So we're not friends anymore? I want a baby. I have no idea how to take care of one. My body isn't healthy for it. But when I see pictures I feel jealous. Just a tiny bit. We're going to Seattle for Maria's birthday. First time to fly in almost eight years. Last one was when I returned back from Seattle. Faith found a bf I approved of. Im $13k in debt. I had my first almost juror duty experience. The judge was Filipino. The defendant excused me from the case. Maybe I looked like a bitch? When I left FA I texted Loubna. She coldly responded. Guess she wants nothing to do with me. Still overweight. Drinks less. Doesn't smoke. I have lost my passion for baking. Coz of my cousin saying I shouldn't be asking for recipes. Coz I lost it. I want it back. My journey to thirty isn't as fabulous as Anne Curtis. Isn't as successful as most people my age. I have to be happy and contented with what I have. What do I have?

Still overweight. i guess it would be over a year since I stopped smoking. Big hurrah! Still at the same job. I'm better at makeup application now and I have a better collection. My hubby finally let go a little bit and has now started enjoying being a foodie and checkin in with yelp. Finally got my parents their long awaited papers. Another hurrah! Still can't afford a car or a baby. I don't stress out anymore if bff can't communicate or if she goes out. I still do but it's lesser now. I let go of one 'friend' because she doesn't know how to appreciate people who care about her. Sayonara beeyotch. This year i finally had my eyebrows waxed and my bros too. This year I don't think we even went on any vacations? Or I don't remember. My memory still sucks. I saw Bruno Mars in June!!! He has such a beautiful voice. He's not good lookin but damn that voice is sooo aaaamazing. Realized a friend at work is suck a freeloader. So bye bye. A friend is suing my boss so for my own personal reason I will not talk to her until I get out of my hellhole coz I cannot eat where I shit. My cousins don't talk to me. Oh well.

I love my husband but... I have this intense strong i-haven't-felt-this-since-I-was a teenager feelings for Bruno Mars. He's not model handsome by today's standards but he has charm and that X factor that makes me want to leave everything behind, fuck everything else I will come with you vibe with him. I dreamt about Bruno Mars last night and in the scenario I was just acting like a fan being shy but wanting to take pictures with him. Sigh. I will watch his concert someday then I will obsess about him and that wouldn't be nice to Matthew. I feel like I'm cheating but it's never gonna happen coz I'm an ugly fat girl no guy ever wooed.

In four days I become 28. Married no kids no barkada overweight diabetic non-smoker. My best friend is one month to her due date. Im broke coz i can't stop spending. I wish someone will throw me a surprise party.

Janet Jackson Adele

Right now I'm going through some hardship. Just when everything seems fine then I'm hit with problems. Can't go through life without problems. They reduced our hours and days at work. Although work is no longer a happy place for me I'm still there but the reduced work day wasn't working out for Matthew. Earl was willing to give me his extra day so I can still keep my same paycheck. Dad gives up his one day so earl can work at his work. Family is everything. By August 2013 I hope to be able to make a difference. Or maybe I just hope I get hired in the new job with a better pay so I can take care of myself and my family better. I am touched by what they have decided. I really hate the workplace now but we have to earn money. My only friend at work is earl. Everyone else practically said fuck you to me or just isn't who I would hang out with anymore.

They reduced our hours. No more overtime. As soon as its five we are out the door. Then they plan to make us work four days. :( And then BFF is now driving.

Not a single 'co worker' has liked my posted pictures. What's up with that.

Learned how to enjoy wine today. Discovered that Moscato is my kind of wine. First time to do wine tasting and olive tasting.