* // know it doesn't have to be love

“Really? Well then consider me officially inviting you, Grace always says the more the merrier. They hold it at their house which is super nice and there’s always plenty of snacks.” Andy shook their head as they grabbed a piece of paper and wrote out the information for the book club. “Nah I mean most of the books are really engaging and I usually read in the morning before work or on some weekends and we’re still pretty welcoming to people who don’t manage to finish it. It’s a really welcoming space, you’d love it. Beats having to pretend to like whiskey,” they added with a soft laugh. “But uh, I know making friends in adulthood is weird, or well it’s hard or..weird for me but uh, if you like..ever wanted to just..hang out we could..do that. Like go see a movie or uh I don’t know what do friends do…drink milkshakes and watch Netflix? I could totally do that. Actually I can’t cause technically I’m lactose intolerant but I like to play with fire. Real..daredevil. That was probably too much information.”

Taking the slip of paper, she tucked it into the front of her book so it would be secure until she got back to Manny’s place. “I work a couple different jobs, so we’ll see how I’m able to balance all of it with reading and writing,” she replied with a soft laugh, then looked up at Andy as they stuttered out their invitation for friendship. The surprised look on Mikayla’s face wasn’t necessarily at the invitation itself, but the fact that there was someone who actually wanted to be her friend. She had always been relatively closed off in the past, never giving too much of herself away when she met new people which had made it difficult to develop friendships, but that didn’t seem to deter Andy whatsoever. A smile came to Mikayla’s face and she nodded. “Yeah, I’d like that. Maybe we could make milkshakes with some form of milk alternative or we could get some coconut milk ice cream instead, that stuff’s really good actually. I’m not really well-versed in the friends department either if that makes you feel any better, so we can figure it out together.”

                   NATHANIEL frowned, “I’m sure it’s not the same,” He began, shrugging softly. He wasn’t one to comment on the friends people kept; he was sure that he’d had as many mutual friends that were drug dealers back in the day, he supposed he didn’t have any right to comment on whether or not Manny was still in contact with them. “I mean – from the conversation we had, I can see that he’s grown up, Mikki,” Nate continued, offering a reassuring smile. His smile widened slightly as she spoke and he nodded, “Nah, you don’t have to worry. Fuck the code, it’s been a long enough time. As long as you’re happy, that’s all that matters. I think we’ve all moved on now, y’know?”

Nate’s reassurance helped to settle some of the unease Mikayla felt about the whole situation, but she would be lying if she said her worries were completely forgotten. At the very least, she could put it aside for the remainder of the day to try and enjoy the time spent with her friend. “That’s good to hear,” Mikayla replied, soft smile coming to her face. “Speaking of moving on... We should get a move on to that dinner you promised me; I’m starving.” With a wink, Mikayla grabbed her coat and pulled it back on. “Lead the way.”

He’d be lying if he said that there wasn’t part of his mind that was wondering why he had just risked everything by telling her. He could have hidden it for the rest of their lives if he needed to, hell he had hidden it from the town all this time, he’d hidden the fact he was even in a cartel from Nate their whole relationship. But then that was the problem, what they had was real. And he knew that he had to be honest, however painful, lying would be far worse, and he had to learn to come to terms with that. But when he lived the life that he had lived, somethings were harder to explain. “Ok” what could he say? he couldn’t try and justify this, because he knew outside the business there was no justification. He could explain that he only ever killed people who were somehow connected to it, that no one innocent had ever suffered. But the fact remained, he had killed them. “Sorry? What are you sorry for? All I want is for you to be happy and feel safe. And if that’s not with me… then it’s not with me” though he could almost feel his heart break as he spoke. “You have somewhere to stay? I can go to mami’s if not” and he knew that was not going to be something that took a few hours. But he wasn’t going to just let her wander aimlessly either. He had other places, and if she was still arguing with her mami… well he had to offer. 

Hearing his words, Mikayla had to look away again, closing her eyes as tears began brimming and she had to fight them back. Her feeling for him ran so deep -- much deeper than she had ever felt for anyone before in the past -- and now it was possible that all of it was for nothing, that this moment may force them to part ways. Now she understood all of the songs about heartbreak, what it meant to be terrified to lose someone you loved to something other than death, and a part of her wished she had never allowed herself to be open in the first place so she wouldn’t have had to feel any of this. “I’ll stay with my dad. I’ll call him or... something. It’s okay, I’m not going to kick you out of your own apartment.” She sniffled some and wiped her hand under her eyes quickly as she made her way towards the bedroom. “I’ll get my things. I’ll, um... I’ll reach out when I’ve had some time to process everything.” She didn’t intend on keeping him in the dark for too long, but she had no idea how long it would take before she was able to either accept him for everything that he was or she had to cut the cord completely. Haphazardly tossing things into the bag she’d brought with her when she’d left home a few weeks back, she made her way back out to the living room and slowed by the door, looking back over at him. “I love you. I’m sorry.” Opening the door, she was down the steps to the main road before she knew it, wandering the streets in the direction of Kings Park, the tears finally falling.

Family… oddly the one thing he’d never really had. Not in the traditional sense. His father had always treated him differently, then when the truth had come out, he finally understood why. But after that… Well Sofia, and the boys were family, but they were his kids and he would never tell them how bad things were. Anna had been insane, and the other two had both run away. No, he had learnt he was never going to really have anyone other then his kids. Heartbreaking really, he had always been a hopeless romantic, but that was why he had been hurt so many times. “Pretty sure it’s meant to be my job to worry about you. Though I get the impression there’s a lot of people you worry about”.

“We can worry about each other, then. There’s really nothing you can say that’s going to change my mind,” Mikayla replied, offering up a soft smile in his direction so he knew she wasn’t attempting to be obstinate so much as she was trying to show that he could fall on her if he ever needed it. She was an adult, after all, with most of her life in order, so she could afford to take a few days to help him if he ever needed it. “What gives you that impression? Not that it’s not true, but... I’m wondering what gives it away.” She had been told in the past that she was closed off or difficult to read. Maybe being in Edens really had been good for her, helping her to soften up that hardened exterior she’d built up for protection over the years.

Hector nodded along as he listened to her, knowing better than anything how complicated family could be, especially when it came to mothers. His relationship with Fatima was complicated but built on mutual respect and love. He thought the world of his mother but he didn’t always agree with her decisions or the way she chose to move forward. But she was his mother, the woman who had given him life, nurtured him, allowed him to grow up with a life despite the family business. He had tried to let go of his resentment and realize that just because this was his life it didn’t mean he had to be miserable and release all control. He still had a say. As her tears started to fall, he moved his seat so that he could be right next to her and slid his arm around her shoulders, giving them a slight squeeze. “It’s okay to cry, mama, don’t be ashamed of tears in front of me. You ask Anna i’m a fucking cry baby,” he told her with a soft laugh. “Even I can tell that no one is more ride and die for you than your moms, alright? So getting to know her daughter for who she is, all that she is, I’m willing to put my money on her still loving you and accepting you for all of it. If you can’t be real with her than who can you be real with? Because you gotta accept her for who she is too. A woman who made a mistake. But a woman who loves you with all her heart. You get to be angry, you get to be sad. You get to be upset with her and tell her she’s wrong. But you can’t turn your back on her because we both know she won’t do that to you, despite all those fucking fears you got. So you dance on a pole, so what? You fucking kill it up there, like JLO Hustlers status and I mean who didn’t love Hustlers, you know? It’s not something to be ashamed of, we all do shit to survive, it’s part of the game.” He reached into his jacket and pulled out his handkerchief, holding it up for her to wipe her face. “And like it or not, you’re part of our family now, and we look out for ours, so no matter what, you got familia, okay? You hear me? Your big brother Hector is here for you always, so don’t worry, mamita. We got you. You and your mom, and not just cause I think she’s sexy,” he added with his own laugh, leaning in to press a soft kiss to her temple. “You’re gonna be alright, Mik. I promise you.”

Mikayla let out a light laugh in spite of the tears that fell down her face at Hector’s reassurance that crying in front of him was okay. She’d been so strong for so long that she hadn’t realized just how much she’d been holding back until that moment. At the very least, anybody who was looking on could assume she was crying over Anna, not the heavy conversation at hand. She listened as he spoke, taking the handkerchief from him when he offered it and using it to wipe her cheeks clean of the tears that fell. “I don’t think I could ever turn my back on her after everything she did. I’m just... frustrated. And I know when I’m mad I can get incredibly mean, so I walked out before I could say anything that would change our relationship forever. I’ll talk to her again, I’m just not sure what I would say, especially if she doesn’t see how what she did hurt me. And then if I tell her everything...” The only person who knew the extend of everything she had been through was Manny, and it had been difficult for even him to digest. “I guess we’ll see.” Sniffling some, she leaned into his embrace some. “Thank you, Hector. It really means a lot to me that you’ve been so accepting of me. I know I haven’t gotten your sister’s approval yet, but I’m working on it.”

“Oh man I love them all for different reasons but I’d have to say their second one is probably my favorite. I mean the first one is like really raw and you can definitely tell it’s new. But like for a first try, I mean they published it before they were even 25 so that’s..an fucking accomplishment. Anyway, their third book gets the highest praise and it’s..phenomenal but their second book is about these two lesbians in the early 80s and it’s ugh, so good. Fills my little queer heart with so much fucking joy. I’ve talked to them a few times, I’m always a blushing mess when I do but they’re so cool, have you ever been to their book club meetings? There’s always wine and literally the prettiest cheese plate. You should totally come some time, it’s a lot of fun. And preferable for folks who aren’t really like the party scene type.”

"This is actually the first I’ve heard about it,” Mikayla admitted. She had met a few people throughout the town either there at the bookstore or at the library who loved to read, but being in a book club of sorts would give her the chance to socialize more, maybe even give her a distraction from all of the things happening in her life that were stressing her out. “I’m definitely not a party person. If you give me the details, I’ll try to make it to the next one assuming I’m not working. It sounds like it’d be right up my alley. I’m assuming you’re a regular? Is it difficult juggling all the reading you do with the work at the bakery?”

“What ifs are dangerous, dangerous things. Can wonder about them, or can accept what we have and do our best to make it happy” he had always tried to anyway. Life just seemed to have a way of testing him… a lot. And sure, maybe he wasn’t doing quite as well as he wanted everyone to believe, but he had always had to do everything alone. He wouldn’t let his kids see him upset, that wasn’t fair. He was meant to be a parent, his problems he would face. “It is what it is. Doctors say I’m recovering as expected so nothing to worry about” least on that side, mentally he was still adjusting to it all. “Of course. But you don’t need to worry about me, tough as nails”.

Max was right, that was one think she could admit. The majority of her life she had tried to ignore the what ifs, but being put into situations no child should have to be put into made it difficult not to, especially when she used the fictional worlds of her books to escape her reality. As much as she had come to accept what cards she had been dealt, knowing she could have had a different hand at all now brought all those questions back. “I’m going to worry,” Mikayla started, looking at him with a small shrug. “You’re family; we take care of each other, it’s what we’re supposed to do. Even people who are tough as nails can have days where they aren’t feeling strong. It’s okay to admit when that happens.”

And that was one thing she could never know about. What had happened to the man after… perhaps he had taken it too far, but he knew he’d go on to do it again. “Yeah… I do” and he had done it multiple times. It was easy enough… and that thought alone he knew was an awful one to have. But he seperated that side of himself. He had to. “Most of the time, yeah that’s all” and he wanted to leave it there. It would make things so much easier if he could. But he also knew secrets always had a way of coming out, and the last thing he wanted to do was to lie. “The other times… silencer is a better word. Like I said… my siblings gave me the nickname of Ghost when we were kids… that skill got put to use” by his own family, but that was one secret he couldn’t tell her, not without their knowledge. “I know how it sounds… but that’s why there is no getting out for me. Realised it a long time ago, so came to accept it. But I also know that it is a fucked up situation… if you need time or… just don’t want to see me now, I get that to” and he hoped it wasn’t the case, but he had just admitted he had killed people. This wasn’t her world, and he wasn’t going to let her be forced into it either.

It was like all the air disappeared from Mikayla’s lungs at Manny’s confession. She remained quiet as she processed his words, swallowing hard as she stood up from the couch and paced across the room, trying to keep herself together as she kept her back to him. How was it that the man she loved, the one who was always so kind and gentle with her, the one who would never forgive himself if he hurt her or used her in any way, could also be the one he was admitting to just now? To have ended someone -- no, not just one person, but multiple people’s lives? And for what? A world he felt he was stuck in for the rest of his life? “I can’t...” Her voice cracked on the way out, forcing her to clear her throat and finally turn to face him again. “I can’t reconcile what you just told me with who I know you to be. I think -- I don’t know what I think.” She let out a breathy, humorless laugh as she raked her fingers through her hair, if only to prevent him from seeing the way her hands shook. “I, um... I think it might be best if I... if I go for right now. So I can process this.” She didn’t know where she would go, but that was something she would worry about later. Right now, she felt like her world was being flipped upside yet again by someone she had come to trust wholeheartedly. What else was he hiding? “I’m sorry. I just -- I need time.”

          “I bet it must be nice to be able to know the parts of your DNA, hm?” Anna furrowed at how weird the sentence sounded after coming out of her lips and chuckled. In no way should Mikki feel anywhere near sad about it, even if her mother had hurt her, it wasn’t uncommon for mothers to think they know what’s best for their child. She had done a lot of bad choices when it came to Jenna and Ella when she became head of the Cooper household, but none of them were without their best interest in mind. “Well, a good way to go is to find out what he likes. I mean, bonding over something you both like is the easiest thing in the world and Mikki— do you really think any kid is gonna resist you? You have a good heart, honey, and a good head on your shoulders, he’ll pick up before long that you have the best intentions towards him and that having an older sister is kickass,” she winked laughing slightly as she bragged about the honors of being the older sister. “Besides, if all else fails, take the kid to the bakery and we’ll hop him up on all the sugar he can take.”

"It is nice, yeah. I don’t feel... incomplete? I know Mami always tried to make sure that didn’t happen, but only knowing half of the information about where you came from can only give you so much clarity.” Mikayla couldn’t help the smile that came to her lips at Anna’s compliment, turning her face away to hide the slight blush that rose to her cheeks. “I’ll have to see what he likes. I didn’t really do normal things as a kid, I was always so wrapped up in my books and reading. But sugar is always an option, assuming Max is okay with it. I offered to babysit if he ever needed time to himself, so I’m hoping he’ll trust me enough eventually for that to happen. I think he could use it after everything he’s been through.” She looked back to Anna then. “How are things at the bakery? Andy told me they were able to hold things down while you were gone, but that it’s not the same without your energy.”

“What a good friend.” Eleanor said with a grin, before she let out a groan and stood from the couch. She didn’t realize how much stuff she had accumulated over the years, until the two of the sat and packed most of it in boxes. “Yes they are. I am only 5′5. My cousin Madison is 5′10 - but she is a total bitch.” Madison and her mother were the only two people she dreaded seeing during the holidays - despite the fact that the two of them were close in age. They were complete polar opposites.”So how did things go with your dad?” 

"I’m glad I don’t have any cousins. Knowing how my grandparents are, I’m genuinely surprised I didn’t turn out even more messed up than I am,” she replied with a laugh, though that fell some as the subject of Max came up. “It... went well. Or as well as it can be in this situation. It’s still weird, but in a good way, if that makes sense? My whole life’s basically changed in the matter of a few weeks; not only do I have my dad, but I have three siblings. It’s going to take some time to get used to the idea, but... I’ve always wanted a bigger family and now I have that. I’m hoping the boys will like me, but I haven’t met them yet. Hopefully soon.” She smiled and looked over at Eleanor again. “I assume things are going well in your world. I mean, you’re moving into your own house. That’s a pretty big step. Are you nervous at all? Does your mom know yet?”

Sofia listened to every word that came out of Mikki’s mouth. Her eyes glued to the paper that sat on the table in front of her. This was all still so sureal to her. She knew from her father that she had an older sister out there, but until Mikki said what she did - she had no clue it was her. “It’s okay.” Sofia said with a small shrug. “I mean, I knew that my dad had another child - I just didn’t no who it was. Everything was coming at me all at once, and I wasn’t ready for the conversation at least.” It had always been Sofia and her dad. Her little brothers too, but Sofia was the oldest - and since her mother left - he really was the only person she trusted one hundred percent. “My dad is really a good guy. You should get to know him.” Sofia looked up at Mikki for the first time since the other woman sat down. There was one thing that Sofia knew for sure, and it was that Max’s kids were his entire life, and now that statement included Mikki. 

Mikayla let out a breath she didn’t realize she had been holding in when Sofia said it was okay. Though the two of them certainly had more things to work through given their now complicated family history, she was grateful to whatever higher powers that be that she hadn’t completely ruined a relationship with someone she held dear. “I’m trying to. I was worried he wouldn’t want to have a relationship with me after everything, but... He told me some more about your guys’ life... About Ryder and Tristan. I haven’t met them yet, but I’d like to.” She smiled softly as she looked over at her, taking in her face for a few moments. “It’s always been me and Mami, too, so it’s just... crazy coming to terms with the fact that I have this whole other family -- that I have siblings. I’ve always wanted those.” Her smile grew some more as she looked away. It was something she’d never admitted before, never having wanted to make her mother feel pressured to give her something like that. “Thank you for understanding. This has been really hard for me, but I can only imagine how difficult it’s been for you, especially after what happened with your step-mother. I’m sorry I added to it. I promise going forward, I’ll be a much better big sister.”

“Whatever happens between you two… I’m not going to get involved. Still… I’m not mad at her for it, not anymore. I get why she did it, she just wanted to do the right thing by you” and it almost destroyed him to realise that he wasn’t the best thing for one of his children, but at the same time, he understood it. He had been struggling for so long, the fact it was over now… well he had never really got used to that, and he’d been living it for years. Though he wondered how much living that had been. “Not yet… realised that it would take a bit of explaining to them, well not Tristan. He’s only two, sure he’ll be happy” but Ryder was a whole other issue. He nodded, knowing how bad he looked there. “Am now… or on the mend anyway. Spent the last decade thinking I was dying… turned out that my ex-wife was keeping my drugged to the eyeballs. It was Sofia who realised something was wrong. But, it’s over now, more or less. Just flushing it out of my system, and withdrawals” he knew it was hardly the best explanation, but it was something he never really had to explain before. And definitely never thought he’d have to explain to his daughter.

Mikayla nodded, knowing she couldn’t possibly ask for Max to get in between the issue with her and her mother. That was something they would have to sort out themselves eventually, once all the emotions surrounding the subject had died down. “I get it, too. I just wish I’d had choice in the matter when I was old enough to know.” She listened, nodding slowly as she took in his story and realizing he had had a hard life, much harder than what she had been through. “I’m so sorry... I’m glad -- I’m really glad Sofia noticed, and that you’re getting there. If there’s anything I can do, please let me know? Even if it’s just... babysitting for a few hours while you take some time for yourself. Maybe not right away, obviously, you hardly know me, but... eventually.”

               THE last thing Nathaniel wanted to do was ruin what seemed to be a potential relationship. He had to stand by the fact that Manuel wasn’t a bad person; he’d just been caught in a bad situation when it came to Nate. He knew it was a lot to spill on someone, but it had been part of their history that needed to be discussed - although it had remained to be something he’d kept to himself for the most part. “It’s okay,” Nate began, shaking his head, “You don’t have to be sorry. I know it’s a lot to take in. If anyone’s got to be sorry, it’s me. Just– remember this all happened ten years ago. It’s been a long fuckin’ time. People change, they grow. God knows I’m the biggest example of that,” He continued, offering a small but reassuring smile. “Yeah, I have.”

"It may have happened ten years ago, but... he’s still in that world,” she commented, her voice softer now than it was before. “I hope he’s different now.” The worry began to sink in, the question of whether or not he would attempt to do the same with her as he had done to Nate or if he even remotely regretted having done that to someone he was with. There was a gnawing sensation in the pit of her stomach, like she needed to know the truth, needed to know his intentions, but she was trying her best to tamper it down and not let it take over the day she was planning on having with Nate. “I’m guessing since you’ve forgiven him, you’re okay with me and him being together? If I’d known... I know there’s a code against this sort of thing, dating your friend’s ex.”

“And they also have really good shows and movies made after them. Amy Adams could truly step on me,” Andy told her with a soft laugh, blushing as they realized how that came out. “I hear you though, kind of an ethical and moral dilemma and also just reading people make really shitty, human mistakes. No one likes a perfect character. Though getting angry at a character in a book can either be really enticing or enough to make you throw the book away.” They held up the book in their hands with a smile. “Grace Ko’s third book, I’ve read it already but apparently their new book comes out soon and I’m..so hyped. I’ve met them a few times in town but it’s still like surreal to me. I mean a queer icon and author? In this town? What are the chances? Have you read any of their stuff?”

"I heard they made some, but I’m probably one of those obnoxious people who always says the book is better than the screen adaptation,” she admitted with a laugh. “Though I do try to view them as separate art forms if I can.” Looking at the cover of the book Andy was reading, her smile grew. “I think I read their first book, but I haven’t read the others. I definitely should though, especially if they’re a local writer. Which one is your favorite? Or do you love them all for different reasons?”

It felt like an eternity rather then a few seconds passed before she took his hand. He nodded, sure, it hurt a little that she had thought it, but then… well he could hardly blame her for that either. He had never told her he even knew Nate, let alone the rest of it. “I understand that. But that is never going to happen. More I’m at the front of the line of absolutely never take them” he had seen what it had done to Nate, felt every bit of pain from it, and never wanted to see anyone he was close to fall down that path again. Sure, he was still in the business, but the people who took the drugs? He rarely ever saw them. That was their choice. Nate… maybe it would have happened anyway, but this… this had solely been on him. “There’s not a lot I regret doing, but that… that is up there” and it would be. As she spoke though, a different worry hit him. He’d been honest from the start about who he was, but that didn’t mean she had realised the full extent. “That’s the issue… I don’t. Even if there was a way… I am in too deep. But… you do realise what I do for them right?” well if what he had done for Nate was too much, then the rest of it… he didn’t want to lose her, but if she thought he was just dealing ot something and this came out later… it would be a problem. 

Manny’s words sent a different kind of dread through her, that gnawing feeling she’d felt at the news Nate had giving her returning with a vengeance. When Manny had told her that he was involved in a drug cartel, she hadn’t asked many questions. She wasn’t sure if it was because she assumed he wouldn’t be able to tell her or if she just wanted to live in blissful ignorance of the realities of it all, but it sounded like that was no longer an option. “I don’t, no.” She’d made guesses, sure, but he had kept her as far out of it as possible thus far, so she had no way of truly knowing. “With how easily you broke that guy’s arm that night, it seemed like you had a lot of practice.” She swallowed hard, her gaze shifting to meet his as a realization started to settle in, one she hoped wasn’t true. “I... I thought maybe an enforcer?”