Hey, it’s Sasha

Hey! I’m Sasha! I started this “brain dump” in May of 2021 to record my treatment through my stage 4/metastatic breast cancer diagnoses and neck rehab from pathological fractures.

I have written over 750 posts and have since gone on to discuss other topics that come up in my day-to-day life such as chronic pain, fitness, mental health, art, shows, music, writing, comedy, books + the adventures of parenting an autistic kid (who is now a young adult). Before cancer, I was an avid runner and still love to talk about “all things running”, too.

📍From Canada’s West Coast. 🇨🇦

Please know that I really appreciate you coming to check my blog out. I’m hoping some of it educates and brings awareness around living with metastatic breast cancer.

Note: My stream of consciousness tends to grow legs and run away so you may witness some of my “think out loud” moments here, too. 😜 I also try to stay away from anything political but be aware that it may seep in once in a while.

I use the #metastatic breast cancer hashtag for majority of my posts. If you're new to MBC or are supporting someone with breast cancer, please feel free to reach out with any related questions and I’ll be happy to answer the best I can. …or if you want to chat about running. (Any excuse to talk about running is welcome!)

Here are a few direct & resources:

Cancer Resources & Supports (*BC or Canada-Wide)

Low Neutrophils and Ideas to Raise Them (before labs)

Mental Health Resources (*BC or Canada-Wide)

A Message To: Newly Diagnosed Breast Cancer Patients 💕

Two Year Anniversary C-Spine Surgery Post

20 Journaling Prompts

An Evening of MBC Storytelling (my part is around the 37:30 mark)

My comedy set with Stand up for Mental Health.

Wildfire Magazine: "An Evening of 'Body' Stories" 2024 (my part is around the 29 minute mark)

A friend of mine came to stay with me for a few days. We went to Butchart Gardens and the aquarium. We also met up with Ella and walked around Beacon Hill Park, saw the animals and went for ice cream. Then we walked downtown along government street, went to the shops in the Empress and then ended the day with a delicious tea latte at Murchie’s.

It was a lovely visit and I’m so glad that she came out. I hope she can stay with me again. We talked so much. It was really fun.

Yesterday, my parents and I picked up the kid and we went to the Malahat Skywalk. It’s a 600-metre-long elevated wooden TreeWalk that leads to a 10-storey spiral tower! It has beautiful views (even on a cloudy day) and you’re surrounded by trees. The photos below don’t do it any justice. We went up and down a few times. You can also take a slide down if you prefer. The only one brave enough to do that was my step-Dad.

We all had a great time. Unfortunately, by the time we left, I was in a lot of pain. This is after taking my 4th pain pill. I think it was the combination of the cooler weather (barometer pressure dropping) and maybe being at a higher altitude. I ended up buying a season’s pass so I hope I get to go back a few more times and take some friends there.

Today, I felt a lot better and only took 1 pain pill and a Tylenol. I even went for a 6km power walk.

Tomorrow, I have to meet with the kid and help her with a few errands. Then I’m going to the Cancer Agency to get my port flushed.

I took the kid to the museum to see the ancient Egypt exhibit. We also went to the IMAX and watched the Mysteries of Egypt short film.

There’s lots of other displays that we enjoy checking out.

The museum is pretty big and it’s easy to spend 3+ hours there by the time you watch a film, go through all the exhibits and check out the gift shops (there’s 2). I’m glad I got a season’s pass because I tend to go a lot. Every time I go there, I learn something new. After a few hours, I find my brain just doesn’t want to retain anymore information so I have to go back on a semi regular basis to learn more.

One of the oldest displays at the museum is a Woolley mammoth replica. Artists built his body from plywood, chicken wire, foam and nine muskox hides. His two metre tusks are fibreglass fossil casts. He was constructed in 1978 and put on display in 1979.

I enjoy taking dumb pictures in front of it.

Tomorrow, (actually today as it’s past midnight), a friend of mine will be coming from the mainland to stay a few nights. I’m looking forward to it.

Today, I hung out pool-side and did pretty much nothing.

My Mom and I chatted and ate nachos.

I watched bunnies casually come into the yard and munch on grass.

Last Thursday, the kid and I went to the mainland. We walked a lot. Then hit a few video game stores. We spent the night at a motel. I wasn’t expecting much but it was nicer than anticipated. We will probably stay there again if the need arises. It was reasonably priced and fairly central. The attached restaurant was also pretty good. Much better than what it used to be (an old Best Western).

I got to visit with one of my good friends for a few hours and then the next day, I visited with my sister. I also had to go to my doctor’s appointment. I normally only get 10 minutes with him but he spent over a half an hour with me.

Anyway, it was a quick, whirlwind trip but it turned out pretty good.

The kid and I came back late on Friday night and she spent another night with me. Early Saturday morning, I had to strip and make her bed up because my friend from Regina was going to be visiting for a few nights.

Once we cleaned up, I took the kid home in an Uber and I met my friend at the mall in Victoria.

We ended up going to the museum where there’s a new ancient Egypt display.

Afterwards, we headed to Beacon Hill Park for Icecream and to visit the petting zoo.

My friend and I chatted a lot. I’m worn out from all the yapping. lol.

Yesterday, we ended up going to Butchart Gardens then the Butterfly Gardens, too.

They have a flamingo there that’s a year older than me (born in 1975).

Anyway, when we got home, we talked some more and I ended up super wired. I didn’t sleep great last night. Hopefully, tonight will be better.

My friend left this morning to head back home. I’ve been busy cleaning bathrooms, disinfecting everything, stripping the beds and doing more laundry.

It’s going to be a busy week of events and I have another friend coming out Friday evening to stay with me for the weekend.

My pain hasn’t been that bad. Probably because I’ve been so distracted.

It’s been a good week. 😊

Went for about a 6.5km walk, today. I only took Tylenol but I did have to take 2 short breaks. The kid and I also ran some errands this morning. Altogether, I did over 16,000 steps.

I talked to a doctor that works at a local non profit that specializes in cancer care. She was really nice and compassionate. She didn’t have much for advice for me other than referring me to a dietitian but we had a nice chat. I’m still dealing with some remnant gastrointestinal issues and my blood sugars are slightly elevated as a side effect from all the drugs. The weird thing is that it’s very random. There are days where I ate very carbolicious and it doesn’t affect anything but then there are days where I’ve eaten nearly keto and things spike. Theres no rhyme or reason. So I’ll be seeing a dietician in August. Just because I have cancer, doesn’t mean I have to give myself heart disease, too. In the meantime, I’ll be documenting everything I eat and my side effects (if any). The doctor also suggested getting acupuncture to help with pain and inflammation (and suggested one). Unfortunately, it’s very expensive. We do have a school in the city that offers it at a very reduced rate that’s overseen by registered acupuncturists/instructors. I will see if I can connect with someone there.

One of my good friends called me on the phone and we chatted for an hour.

This evening the kid and I had some fun playing on an old Nintendo DS Lite. We played Sonic the Hedgehog and The Sims.

It was a good day. My mental health felt like its starting to bounce back.

On Tuesday morning, I went for a walk into town. Then decided I would go sit in on a Catholic Church mass. I hid in the back trying not to be noticeable so I could sneak out without needing to talk to anyone.

After, I cried. I cried and cried for hours. The tears just kept streaming. By 3pm, I was exhausted but I had a therapist appointment online I had to get to. I knew I needed it. We talked about a lot of things but one of those things was around spirituality and what happens after we die. I also talked about how the Catholic Church doesn’t approve of MAID.

I felt a little better afterwards.

Yesterday, I dropped in on my comedy class over Zoom. I haven’t been there in about 6 months. I just stuck around for an hour. We did our check in where I was able to give them an update with my health. I didn’t have any jokes to tell but I got a few chuckles from others. Then I left and headed out for a little walk and a coffee at Starbucks. I was still feeling like I was dragging my ass and my mood was sitting at a “down-in-the-dumps” level.

When I got back, I had another therapist appointment over the phone. This time, I felt much better when we finished. So I think I got out everything I needed to. Having 2 therapist appointments on back-to-back days isn’t usually recommended, but it definitely helped me.

It was nice to talk a little bit about the fact that “nothing is written in stone” around my cancer care. If I suddenly had some sort of epiphany or revelation and decided to go back on treatment, I can. Nobody is going to judge me for that (in fact, I know a few people that would probably be very happy about it). I just don’t particularly want to - but the option is there as long as my body is healthy and capable enough to handle it. Of course, I’m always wrestling with whether it’ll do anything while coping with the awful side effects. I don’t want my quality of life turn into garbage, again.

I started writing last night for the first time in a while. It felt cathartic. I also wrote a very extensive book outline for my breast cancer “journey”.

I requested all of my progress notes from my doctors at the cancer agency for the past 6 months and they arrived yesterday in the mail… holy crap. There was a lot. I started to read a few and it almost felt like I was reading someone else’s medical chart at first. I felt really disconnected to it. It was weird. I’m glad I have the notes incase I need them for reference for my future care, if needed. They’re also good info for my possible “future book”.

I went to bed and was wondering what was happening. Lots of boom, boom, boom sounds. I even texted my Mom inquiring what the heck she was doing upstairs. She and my step Dad were in bed, too. 😳

Okay. Do we have ghosts in the house?

This place is too new to have ghosts. 😂

Then we finally figured out it was the fireworks happening in Port Angeles commemorating the 4th of July celebrations.

I’m glad I wasn’t losing my mind.

Happy Canada Day. 🇨🇦

I went for a long walk. Did over 14,000+ steps.

Picked up some groceries. Did some house cleaning.

I’m still tired. My neck still hurts. Took 2 pain pills, again. I don’t know why I feel so guilty about taking pain meds. 2mg of hydromorphone is hardly anything compared to other cancer patients I talk to - and my body is in way rougher shape. I do whine a lot more than they do, though. 😂

It was a pretty laid back day.

It was also very windy.

My sister came out over the weekend to visit. We went to Butchart Gardens.

It was a nice day. We also had some nice meals together at various restaurants over the weekend.

My sister decided to bring her new boyfriend without telling anyone. This is after I told her specifically that I didn’t want to meet him yet. Nothing against him - I just wanted to spend time with my sister, first.

He stayed at a hotel about a half hour away. My sister stayed with me the first night then left and stayed with him on the second night. I felt like most of the weekend was spent talking about their new relationship. When I say new, it’s like extremely new - 6 weeks new.

The day before she came out for her visit, she sent me flowers and an apology note for the way she’s been acting. She also gave me an extravagant gift when she arrived. I know she’s trying to manipulate the situation with money/gifts. Unfortunately, this is predictable and I wasn’t surprised. I did tell her I was feeling hurt about the fact she couldn’t come on her own for a couple of nights nor even stay with me for the whole time. …but she stared blankly at me and didn’t respond. It would be one thing if she called or visited all the time but I haven’t seen her in almost a year. Anyway, it is what it is. We did meet the boyfriend and he was fine. We had a nice brunch together and then I took everyone to the aquarium for a tour.

Afterwards, we dropped them back at the ferry. Then my parents and I went to a little petting zoo at the honeybee farm and then a long walk.

Despite my sister’s weirdness, it was still a nice weekend and I enjoyed it.

I’m choosing to focus on the positive.

Today, I went for a decent walk. I did over 14,000 steps. I still have to take a few breaks but that’s the longest I’ve walked since before my last infusion. When I got home, I called my 96 year old grandmother to check in. She’s turning 97 at the end of July and I’m trying to arrange to see her for her birthday.

My energy hasn’t recovered yet and I expect it’ll take a few more weeks to fully get back to my “normal”. I’m also dealing with neck and upper back pain. Had to take 2 pain pills, today. I haven’t been drinking enough water lately so I suspect that’s contributing. (Along with stress, inactivity, sleeping weird and I did stress my neck pretty bad a few weeks ago.)

Anyway, it’s been a busy week - a lot has happened but it’s been good for the most part. I do have an appointment at the cancer agency tomorrow to get my port flushed but that’s the only appointment I have for a while aside from my therapist appointments to keep my crazy reeled in. I’m supposed to see the kid for lunch which will be nice, too.

Tonight I’m planning on doing some guided meditation and drinking more water.

The kid and I out on a mini walk today to the cafe.

I’m stopping cancer treatment.

I’ve decided after a long chat with my kid, Mom, oncologist and my palliative care doctor, it is time to discontinue the chemotherapy. For good.

My side effects got progressively worse over the past week and I’m just done.

For the amount of my time that is being swallowed whole by these horrendous side effects (and “everything medical”), it’s absolutely not f*ckin’ worth it. Even if these treatments are lengthening my life, it’s not by much. Not enough to warrant continuing. The trade-off is not acceptable.

Family and friends checked in more this time, which was nice. However, they kept asking me if this treatment was any better than last time. Yes, it’s significantly better but last time was straight up f*cking torture. Can’t even compare the two. However, my quality of life is still looking like the bottom of a garbage can.

So, I’ve officially decided to discontinue cancer treatment. For the time I have on this earth, I want to enjoy it with family, friends, having fun, making connections and enjoying myself. I can’t tell you how relieved I felt making this decision. Yes, I have many other emotions and will get into those later but for this evening, I’m going to scrunch them up into tiny balls and store them for later. I’ll open them up when I’m with a counsellor.

I already had a swim in my parent’s pool and my Mom is making us dinner. I also just downloaded next month’s book club book: The Frozen River by Ariel Lawhon and I’m looking forward to listening to that this evening.

I sat and had a few cups of my favourite “angel water” tea as well as a slice of vanilla strawberry cake. It didn’t upset my stomach so that was a bonus. When I got home, I even did a little water jogging in my parent’s pool for 10 minutes - 2 times with a break in between.

Last night, I had another terrible sleep. My anxiety went through the roof. My heart rate dropped again (like last time) and then my neurosis took over. So I took my watch off and still took an Ativan. It was only 1/2 dose but I didn’t want to take more and make things worse. I have an appointment with a doctor at the Pain & Symptom Clinic at the Cancer Agency on Wednesday. I’ve already booked HandyDart. Going by last time, my side effects peaked on the Wednesday after my treatment so they’ll see me at my worst. If there’s anything they’re worried about, they can send me to the hospital (next door) for tests.

I’m going to be doing an online meditation shortly with our local Cancer Non-Profit Agency. Then my mental health worker is calling me at 1pm. I’m going to continue hydrating frequently well. I’m also taking additional electrolytes. My ears are ringing really bad (which I know is a side effect as well). It’s driving me nuts. Anyway, I’m doing my best.

Second treatment: done.

I requested they do it over 90 minutes again like the first time. (Usually, subsequent treatments are 30 minutes.) I’m trying to throw everything into the hat for symptom management. I’m not sure it does anything but it’s worth a try. Usually slowing IV treatments down can help with immediate side effects (not necessarily delayed ones like mine).

The kiddo met me prior for breakfast. I had pancakes.

I also took her to the bank because she needed a cheque to be deposited.

We even got some other things done like emails, texts and setting appointments that she needed help with.

I feel bad because I just don’t have enough time with her and so many things are put on the back burner. Her current support worker finally just stepped up to cover more hours while waiting for her second support worker (who went on a LOA over 6 weeks ago), is away. Luckily, she’ll be returning in about 3 weeks.

The kid will be coming out on Wednesday to stay with me for a week. If this treatment goes like anything like last time, Wednesday will be my most horrible day. The kid said she will come and be by my side, clean and do whatever I need her to do. I know this is not only the case as she’s autistic and can be very challenging to communicate with sometimes, but I believe her heart and intention is 100% in the most compassionate place. So I’ll act with grace and gratitude and see how this goes. I’m not always the nicest person when I’m sick as a dog, writhing in pain so this will be a huge test for me as well. I’m staying hopeful that all goes well - especially with my dose reduction and new medications.

Anyway, I woke up with my hair a bit on the scruffy side. I contemplated a haircut for about 4 seconds. 😂

Tomorrow is my last 2 volunteer health coaching calls. I thought they were last week but I recalculated and was wrong. They both had 1 more. So, I will be wrapping those up. They’re both very lovely people and I’m not complaining in the slightest, but I do need some time off. I hope to return in September, pending my health stuff. If I’m still not stable, I’ll make the decision to “retire” at that point.

There are so many things I miss doing that I hope to get back to. The 2 biggest ones being comedy and running.

I’ve faced the fact that running is an absolute long-shot BUT stranger things have happened. All I need is about 6 months (give or take) of my hip bones healing rather than going the other way. It could happen. It could not. Time will tell. For now, I’m trying to still walk as much as I can when my body allows. Walking is awesome for health. No shade to the walk - but f*ck, man… it’s just not the same. lol.

As for comedy, I have a few barriers with that.

1.) 95% of comedy shows are in the evenings and that’s really tough on me.

2.) Most comedy shows are on the mainland. It’s hard for me to travel there and takes even more energy out of me.

3.) The comedy program I’m part of focuses heavily on writing jokes about mental health. That feels a bit shitty at the moment. I’m having a hard time finding the funny in my situation. I know it’s there, but it definitely feels “delicate” right now.

Note: #3 is my biggest barrier. I know if I get through that one, the other 2 will start to feel easier and I’ll feel excitement over dread. I’ll get there. Maybe not right away, but hopefully in the foreseeable future.

Anyway, I’m feeling really tired, spinny and moderately nuts right now. The darn steroid does that to me every time. I’ve already done some dumb little things today without thinking. The biggest one is buying 3 delicious scones and a cream puff at the bakery, today before my infusion. When I got home, I put the beautifully sweet scones in a container to seal and eat at a later date to prevent them from going stale. However, I was going to eat the cream puff. I was looking so forward to that damn cream puff. But what did I do? I crushed up the slimy box, threw it in the garbage. I noticed the garbage was pretty full so I tied it up and put it outside in the garbage can. Then I came back in. Where is my cream puff? F*ck. Fuckity. F*ck. F*ck. I threw it out. Dumb. Dumb. Dumb. Sad. Sad. Sad.

So I ate a scone, instead. Wasn’t the same. 😂 Boo.

Anyway, time to take some Ativan to combat these steroid jitters. Then finishing my audiobook.

If you got this far reading, Thankyou so much for continuing to follow along my story. I hope you have a lovely weekend. 💕

PS: I’ve put together a “walking playlist” below - all Canadian 🇨🇦 music + all artists I’ve seen live at some point (some multiple times). Not ranked in any particular order. Except for Nickelback. They go to the bottom. 😂 (I saw them just once because they opened at the Juno Awards in 2009.) I’ve seen many more bands but Tumblr only lets you tag 10 songs so there may be more playlists in the future. 😉

I did another decent walk into town. I switched up my playlist today and listened to mostly 70’s tunes. I noticed I didn’t walk as fast as when I do listening to EDM or other dance music.

When I got home, I vacuumed, mopped floors, did laundry, stripped/washed/made my bed and did some overall tidying.

I sorted out all of my new medications (for my treatment tomorrow) and put them into my phone (Apple Health) so I can keep track of when I take them.

I got mail from the Cancer Agency today informing me of my next appointments with my oncologist, port flush (which I probably won’t need) and a lab requisition. Hooray. I feel so relieved that I don’t have to chase down anyone (this month) for this stuff.

I wrote an easy meal plan and put it on the fridge so I don’t have to think about what to eat when I’m recovering. I know I won’t feel like eating at all but I figured that’s all the more reason to put something together. Otherwise, all I’ll do is chew on crackers. I washed a pile of grapes and chopped up some cucumber. Aside from a few days where I couldn’t eat anything, those were the only 2 fresh green items I could get down for almost a week. Everything was repulsive. Even bananas and applesauce were too strong for me to eat. Everything tasted overpowering. Except potatoes. All I wanted to eat was mashed potato. lol

I also wrote up a “Mental Health Toolkit” which requires varying levels of effort depending on how anxious or sick I am. Everything from audiobooks and needle felting to using a cool compress on the back of my neck and putting on a guided meditation. Then I laminated the list because I’m fancy like that. I put it in my medication/medical box next to my bed.

I’ve arranged for my mental health worker to call me on Monday afternoon to check in. Then I have my counsellor from the cancer agency calling me on Wednesday afternoon. I also have an appointment with the pain & symptom clinic doctor on Wednesday morning. HandyDart will be taking me there and back. (If I’m too sick, I can change it to a phone call.) I have a few friends that will also be checking in with me over the next week as well.

Tomorrow, the kid will be meeting me for breakfast and then she’ll be accompanying me to my infusion at the clinic. (Last time, I went alone.) I have to take a bus there and an Uber home. My parents are away for work again but hopefully they’ll be home tomorrow night.

So that’s it. I think I’ve done everything I can to prepare for this round. I hope between the lower dose and extra drugs, it won’t be as bad as last time. I’m really, really praying this will work.

Today, I walked into town, again. It felt good. After some decent walks and nice weather this week, I’m feeling a bit happier. I also have been back to eating pretty normal again, which helps. Only took nearly 5 weeks.

My tumour markers went down 5 points. This doesn’t sound too exciting but after the last few tests (where they went up a total of 27 points), it was a welcome sight. I feel a little encouraged that this treatment could be working. Officially, it’s too hard to know at this point.

I’m not sure what the deal was today, but everywhere I went, people were either walking 3 or more abreast and blocking sidewalks or they’d be walking in front of me and just stop all of a sudden. Then they’d stand there staring at their phone - again, blocking the walkway. I know it’s trivial but it drives me nuts.

I remember running along the river dike when I lived on the mainland and cyclists would ride their bikes 3-4 across and would practically run me over. I had no where to go. I guess they wanted me to roll down the embankment.

Anyway, just another pet peeve I needed to rant about. Ha.

I really miss running there. I’ve only been back once since I’ve moved. I need to make a plan to visit this summer.

I especially miss the bears.

I do not miss the coyotes.

Here’s some old photos of the area. (Poco Trail System.)

Hello. 😬

Thought you’d enjoy a creepy photo of yours truly.

Today I walked into town to get my labs done. I did about 14,000 steps.

My lab results are already back and everything is good and normal. My tumour markers will be in tomorrow but I imagine they’re not great as they’ve been trending up and I’ve only had 1 treatment of this drug so far. It usually takes 3 infusions/months before they start to drop. Sometimes more.

My bone scan results were also released on my portal and it showed stable.

I had a really nice visit with my neighbour friend. We had tea and chatted for nearly 3 hours.

For the next few days, I’ll be cleaning and getting things ready for my next round of chemo. I’m hoping with the dose reduction, things won’t be as rough but unfortunately, that’s not always guarantee. So as always, I’m preparing for the worst and hoping for the best.

The kid will be calling me shortly and then I’m going to watch something mindless like funny cat videos or something.

Here’s another creepy photo. You’re welcome.