super tired

The devil works hard but PR gremlins work harder.

And he’s allegedly circulating private emails between him and survivors to discredit their stories, according to someone who claims to be a second degree connection.

They claim the accused is sharing private emails between him and the survivors to his inner circle, in a bid to discredit the accounts that have surfaced about him. :)

Please enjoy the Good Omens Script

It's a pretty open secret that I hand out The Good Omens Movie Script (of the never to be made 1990s movie) to anyone who asks nicely or checks my current Dreamwidth. It was published in a small edition, and a pdf of it was very widely circulated in book fandom back in the day.

Someone broke all fan etiquette, and common sense, and the fourth wall and brought it to Neil Gaiman's attention, forcing a situation where people who had already read it would refuse to share it saying it was to respect Neil Gaiman. Me, I never really was very cool with this "I've got mine!" attitude. Incredibly irritatingly, people did circulate out-of-context quotes and used them to portray it as terrible, script!Crowley as abusive, and script!Aziraphale as a doormat. None of these are true: it is an extremely, extremely loose and weirdly Americanised adaptation, but it's fricking adorable, and so are its versions of Crowley and Aziraphale. (The characters who get done badly by are Madam Tracey and Brian, IMO - best to think of them as entirely different characters.) It lacks Terry Pratchett's grace, complex humanity and way with words (see also: GO S2), but it's laugh at loud funny at times and this version of the Ineffable Husbands is a seriously cute grumpy/sunshine couple. Also, it has Business Exec Satan.

All this led to the ridiculous and annoying situation of people who had never read it being derogatory of it, while, despite being published, it was in danger of becoming lost media and a lost opart of GO history. (See also: Revenge of the Old Queen and Rocky Horror.) So I'm sharing the link here. If you want to yell at me, I ask you to first consider why you want to respect Neil Gaiman's wishes on anything and reconsider your priorities. It's a damn pdf of something only eleven people own in hard copy.

It looks like, the movie was in the early stages, Neil Gaiman was not actively involved in it, but Disney listened to the allegations and decided to put the pre production on hold for the moment, it was a big contributing factor, I'll wager.

It's a clear pattern: journalists request for comments from all the parts involved, but neither Gaiman nor Marc Forster answered.

This follows another scrapping that happened just three days ago:

Posted by someone who claims to be in Gaiman’s social orbit.

Ulorin Vex

Didn’t imagine this would be what brought me back to BlueSky but it seems to be here that people are actually talking about the Neil Gaiman allegations and I have some things to say 1/5

I’ve been hesitant to comment because Neil is in my wider social circle and there are people very dear to me who are close to him and are being directly Impacted by all of this but after weeks of lurking/getting mad at the victim-blamers I feel like I need to add my voice to support these women 2/5

Around 2010 my ex told me that Neil Gaiman had asked if he knew any young women he could send to “keep him company” while he was working alone in a remote part of Scotland. He stipulated that they be “interesting but not interesting enough to fall in love with” 3/5

That always stuck with me even though I didn’t acknowledge the creepiness of the entire request until much later.

I’ve attached some screenshots (with permission) from a private conversation about this I had back in 2022. AA/A is my ex to clarify. 4/5

August 1st 2022 Ulorian Vex: I understand if you don't want to say but is straight white elder goth fave Neil Gaiman?  (to clarify, I ask because I remembered something recently my ex told me about him that was really creepy but I totally brushed it off 12 years ago because I was naive and starstruck) friend: oh shit, just seeing these! I really check messenger so there's a big old pile of credible allegations against NG, yes. It's one of the worst kept open secrets in the entertainment biz.  I was completely naive and starstruck myself until more recently. was it AA who told you? I'd imagine N's creep factor becomes more obvious when he's around other predatory men.  UV: I knew it! Yes he apparently asked a to "send" him a young woman of A's choosing to "keep him company and" while working in some remote place with the stipulation that they be "Interesting but not so interesting that I would fall in love with them." It was so odd and creepy like he was literally asking A to pimp his young women friends  friend: yep. that tracks . UV: The glee with which a told me about this request was also gross like he hoped to have that kind of influence one day  friend: they are all too high on their own supply and have been for decades  UV: It is so so bad. Neil in particular is so beloved, I feel weird even telling people, like even my most supportive friends that would be the one person they decide to turn a blind eye to

Second attempt to express my thoughts on the matter. The first time, my wording was not the best and it needed to be fact checked so here there is a summarized attempt. Thank you to everyone who pointed it out.

Using "neutrality" to remain sceptical to the allegations is not as good as an idea as it seems.

Many have shown scepticism because of the medium, The Tortoise podcast, used to publish most of the accusations. I've found many don't know there's a second podcast that published one of the women's allegations: Am I Broken: Survivor Stories Podcast. A podcast made by a non-binary licensed clinical mental health counselor specializing in sexual trauma. The link for the podcast is here and the link for the transcript here. [Credits for the transcript to Ersatz Haderach].

Personally, I think you shouldn't discard the allegations just for the medium chosen, they're still valid. But, there’s a second podcast and Claire's allegations there help to amplify the other victims's voices. If you haven't read or listened to any of the allegations, that could be a good start.

Ignoring that information and testimonies exist is far from being neutral. Learn about the allegations before choosing "neutrality".

It's important to notice that in cases like the ones exposed by the women's allegations against Gaiman, "Neutrality" is already biased in favor of the accused.

Waiting for a formal sentence for Gaiman to start believing in the victims is choosing to blindly trust a corrupt system. It also sounds like if you weren't conscious enough of the many problems that rape victims face in the justice system.

I've found an interesting report on the matter with information about how justice fails victims . Here are some important points:

Why the legal justice fails rape survivors?

According to a report made by Centre for Women’s Justice, the End Violence Against Women Coalition, Imkaan and Rape Crisis England & Wales.(2020):

Obstacles to conviction

- "In the vast majority of (adult) rape cases, the defendant will accept that sexual intercourse took place, and it is only the element of ‘consent’ that is in dispute, or – put another way – whether a reasonable person would characterise what happened as consensual or non-consensual."

"Given the sexual nature of the offence, it will often take place in private, the complainant and defendant (or defendants) being the only persons present."

"There are very rarely any eye-witnesses to the offence itself, able to corroborate either the complainant or the defendant’s account as to what has unfolded. Indeed, there will more often be no independent evidence at all which corroborates the complainant’s account as to the circumstances of the sexual encounter. At best, there may be circumstantial evidence which supports what the complainant is saying: evidence which, for example, provides a picture of the complainant’s physical or mental state before and/or after the attack; or there may be evidence which is broadly supportive of her credibility, or undermines the suspect’s credibility."

- Even in ‘better’ periods, rape cases have always posed very significant challenges for prosecutors. While volumes of convictions have fluctuated over the years, the rate of convictions for rape has invariably been lower than in most other areas of crime."

-“it has been widely accepted by criminal justice bodies that many members of the public continue to believe in long-standing ‘myths and stereotypes’ relating to rape, which do not correspond with reality, result in disbelief of victims/survivors, and are now outdated in the eyes of the law.”

- “When a victim/survivor’s credibility is considered so fundamental to winning a rape or serious sexual offences trial, those who do not fit the ‘mould’ of a credible victim – because of their age, their outward presentation, their social skills, a disadvantaged background, or a learning mental health disability – are the least likely to see justice served.”

- “Whenever the profile of rape victims/survivors and their poor treatment by the criminal justice system begins to receive the attention it deserves, there comes a backlash and a rise in public concern regarding the fate of the ‘falsely’ accused.”

I recommend reading the whole report for further information.

Don't choose "neutrality" as an excuse to hide your bias, listen to the victims. There is a lot of information out there. Many patterns are repeated among victims who, before the allegations were made public, thought they were the only person who experienced the same thing, with Gaiman as the common denominator.

When people say 'so we are just supposed to take her at her word?' the answer is YES.

If the only reason you take his word over hers is because you want to believe that someone whose work you admire isn't capable of such actions, then this is a reality check. You can never know what is it another person's heart and mind. You cannot judge them solely by their words. You can only truly take their measure by their actions.

Examine your internal biases and ask yourself why would someone come forward and share stories of abuse by someone with significantly more power at great personal risk if they weren't true?

'Innocent until proven guilty' relates to crimes being tried under the law. But when it comes to sexual assault, coercive control, mental and physical abuse, gas-lighting, and intimate partner violence, these crimes rarely if ever see the inside of courtroom.

So, let's flip this around. If you insist that someone is innocent until proven guilty, then why does that not apply to the half-dozen women who have come forward thus far, establishing clear patterns of abuse across 3 decades?

Again, you have to look at means and motive. They have everything to lose, and yet they came forward anyway to try to prevent Neil Gaiman from harming any other vulnerable women the way that he harmed them.

Only 2-8% of sexual assault allegations are found to be false.

The myth of accusing the innocent of sexual assault as some kind of revenge is exactly that: a myth perpetuated by rape culture that persists because when one cares for or admires the accused, people want it to be true.

Individuals providing testimonies of abuse is evidence.

That fence that you believe that you are standing on is an invisible line drawn in the sand.

Not just fans. Peers, friends, and family need space and time to process.

You may have known someone your entire adult life, who has treated you with kindness, patience, affection, and support who is also capable of doing others harm. Cognitive dissonance is human. Grieving relationships that may have only existed as equal in your own mind is still grieving.

I genuinely hope that everyone who has been harmed finds healing, comfort, and peace, and that reparations are made and lives can go on without further suffering.

Believe the abused when they come forward. Hold abusers accountable for their actions regardless of intent.

Mourn, and go on.

updated transcript of the Tortoise Media podcast to include episodes 5 & 6.

Am I Broken- Survivor Stories Episode 4-2 Complete Unofficial Transcript

Courtnee Fallon Rex's account of ending their friendsgip with Neil Gaiman

Reddit's r/neilgaimanuncovered forum

Hiya. No.

I think everyone needs to think whether they are capable of separating the fandom and Neil Gaiman.

I could tell you to consider that Good Omens is also Terry Pratchett, David Tennant, Michael Sheen, all the people from cast and crew and people connected with various other editions.

But the thing is, that fandom are fans. It is all those wonderful people making fanart, fanfics, videos and all kinds of impossibly brilliant fanworks. It is people meeting each other whether in person or virtually and admiring each other cosplays, telling each other that they see Good Omens references in real life everywhere and being supportive of each other.

The first Ineffable Con was in 2019 in UK and I wasn't able to visit and in the following years it was (because of covid and to be internationally accessible) only online - this year being the first one it its hybrid form. I was there in person and met dozens of absolutely wonderful people. And that helped me with decision to stay in the fandom.

So no, don't pretend nothing has happened, but it doesn't mean that you have to leave the fandom - a place that you may consider your safe space - either.❤

-

If you don't know what I am talking about or are still in shock... I've been in shock for weeks, trying to hope that for some reason the Neil Gaiman allegations of sexual assaults are a bad dream, a misunderstanding, a conspiracy or me just being kidnapped by aliens and returned to a wrong kind of reality. So it took me a month before I was able to gather myself to scourge the internet for info. Unfortunately all points to that yes, Neil Gaiman is a sexual predator. Using his fame to lure in young women or groom them, manipulate, use and hurt them and using is money and connections to avoid any consequences. It all points to that his bumbling funny persona is actually a front and he is actually a very smart man, using his charisma and eloquence to persuade people of all kinds of things, posing as a feminist and ally so it would be harder to speak against him. Yes, it fucking sucks.

Not just fans. Peers, friends, and family need space and time to process.

You may have known someone your entire adult life, who has treated you with kindness, patience, affection, and support who is also capable of doing others harm. Cognitive dissonance is human. Grieving relationships that may have only existed as equal in your own mind is still grieving.

I genuinely hope that everyone who has been harmed finds healing, comfort, and peace, and that reparations are made and lives can go on without further suffering.

Believe the abused when they come forward. Hold abusers accountable for their actions regardless of intent.

Mourn, and go on.

But I do think that the sorrow and anger will probably never go away entirely, because for every five women who speak up there are countless others who might feel they have no voice and no recourse.

In the month since the story first broke, I think I've gone through the entire cycle of grief probably about three times. and trying my best to remember the joy, and hang on to that feeling because it was real. And reaching out to others who are having difficulty, or even just sharing my thoughts on how we as a community of fans can move forward and use our numbers and our dedication to help survivors of abuse and prevent future abuses wherever possible.

Let me tell you: it was awful, and still sucks to this day. Even if the person goes the restorative justice route. This is a years-long process and I can’t imagine having to go through it publicly.

I’m glad those who knew Gaiman personally are keeping quiet because their way through this quagmire is no one’s business but theirs. Let them grieve in the privacy everyone deserves.

Part of me will always love that person, another part of me is very glad I never have to interact with them ever again if I don’t want to. Neither feeling makes me a bad person. Or a good one.

Some family members figured out how to build a relationship with that person that does not enable further harm. Which is totally ok and in no way better or worse than cutting them off completely. Restorative justice is hard and messy. Which sucks and is unsatisfying to our lizard brains, but it’s the only way for us to be better.

Also if you are struggling with the stories of abuse that have come out in the last month, in the United States you can call RAINN. One of my friends on one of the discords I am on recounted her experience:

A note for how RAINN works, if you haven't called them before. They answer, they ask what you're looking for (for me it was "my friend did terrible things, I have a lot of feelings about it; I support the survivors; I need to check in about appropriate ways to handle mourning and anger"), and once you give them that, they find a place who can talk to you, usually in your vicinity (but you can ask for otherwise if you want), and get you connected. (I can't remember right now if they gave me a phone number and I called it, or if they connected me directly.)

transcript:

I was once on the fringes of a community that included both many young women (me at the time), many older adult men, and NG (on the fringes). Predatory behavior towards us from all of the men in the community was not uncommon, and I never heard it disparaged by anyone until many years later. Needless to say, NG's behavior was well-known and treated like a funny quirk from a beloved celebrity friend. Many of us were young and starstruck and would have done anything for that kind of attention from him. Luckily I was never close to him, though at the time I would have loved to be.

Anyway, he was at a party with a girl in her early twenties as his date and said in front of her to a group of people that he loved "dating girls this age because their feelings don't really matter" in the context of us being able to bounce back so quickly and not take his actions seriously. Everyone laughed (not her).

That permanently soured me on him. His writing had been *everything* to me as a child, a teen, and then a very young woman in part because of how seriously it took the feelings of women in my age range. I truly felt understood and seen by him. Hearing that made me understand very suddenly that he had meant literally none of it.

I've relayed this story to friends what feels like a billion times since, and from the responses I've gotten it was a pretty common joke for him to make at that time. I also heard many more stories that placed it as part of a larger pattern of predation and cruelty towards young female fans. I was so relieved when the allegations came out last month (regardless of the shitty roots of the source).

Seeing people doing backflips to keep watching Good Omens with a clear conscience feels not great (though I get where the urge comes from, having grieved his work and its impact on my life a long time ago) not only because I care for the women he's hurt more than his writing, no matter how beloved, but because he doesn't actually mean what he writes when he writes all of those beautiful things about women's personhood and agency and how much we matter. Now it just feels like bait.

Similar to the story posted on bluesky from 2010 where Neil allegedly requested a male friend send him young women who were 'interesting, but not interesting enough to fall in love with' this story was posted anonymously. However I do not believe that either account should be rejected out of hand. If true, they show a long-standing pattern of bad behaviour that was not hidden behind closed doors but at times flaunted.

horrornobody77

I believe all this because I had a weird interaction with him at a book signing as a teenage fan in the late '90s. He was polite and normal when I was getting my book signed but when I came up to him later and was gushing about how much I loved his work, he told me I looked like one of his characters and commented on my appearance (called me very beautiful) and it felt really inappropriate and I was self-conscious and really thrown off by the whole thing. Later on when I heard rumors I figured they must be true.

I was a huge fan of his and have wondered about him for 25 years. I didn't know where to put this because it's such a minor incident but obviously there's a pattern with him.

I'm glad it's not worse. I was 16 and I didn't know what to think at the time and was so embarrassed by it (I still love his work) that I didn't expect to ever mention this to anyone. But reading all the allegations freaked me out. The main thing I remember was how I sensed he knew how much power he had over a young fan. I felt very spellbound and also uncomfortable.

I DMed horrornobody77 and asked if they could elaborate on the encounter with more specifics.

This was in St. Louis, Missouri, in 1999. I was 16. I approached him after the signing was over. The character was Door from Neverwhere. I was dressed in an elaborate Edwardian vintage outfit and I told him I loved the book and identified with Door so much I felt like she was me. He said yes you look like her and that’s when he said the weird thing about how I was very beautiful.

Something about it made me so uncomfortable and I felt like he was hitting on me. I told him I had to go and then I sat down somewhere else in the bookstore and waited for my parents to pick me up.

I found it very embarrassing at the time, I guess because I looked up to him so much. I’d guess there are a lot of girls with stories like this or much worse.

I don’t remember him touching me but he was definitely leaning toward me in a way that felt uncomfortable. Something about his body language made me feel like he was hitting on me but it’s hard to pin down what that was.

It's also possible that he hasn't even found out about the allegations, since there's still places on Tumblr where they haven't gotten to. He's had a fairly rough couple of years, having lost his wife to cancer not too long ago.

Belatedly (given that at least three other women have accused him since my post), there are some. The best of the original ones is probably "Manufacturing Consent" by Annabel Ross, but there are also transcriptions of the original accusations that, iirc, weed out some of the editorializing and focus on the raw material (which is, just be warned, very raw).

This (long) thread provides the important links in terms of the accusations conveyed by Tortoise, I think (a more to-the-point list is here at muccamukk's Dreamwidth account). I included the long thread because I'm in strong agreement with the final person in the chain that, Tortoise's many failings notwithstanding, they provided enough evidence for the SF/F community to judge and respond more appropriately than with a collective blanket of silence punctuated by occasional cavalier or desperate dismissals of the accusers, before the other accusations broke.

In all honesty, I'm pretty appalled by the idea that, well, now there's enough to start talking about it with a modicum of decency and respect but wasn't before, because apparently it was okay to use trans people (who had nothing to do with any of this) to justify defending a cis guy beloved of fandom from very thorough rape accusations.

While I know a lot of folks were upset that the current Worldcon staff has not made a statement, it makes perfect sense to me considering Neil is not in attendance.

While I was disappointed in Locus' reporting, I am hopeful that they will actually have in-depth coverage in the future. but this isn't a story that can simply be researched online. Investigative reporting takes a significant amount of time as well as manpower. Any coverage that we have seen thus far have been editorials, personal blogs, or summaries of the existing allegations by the five women interviewed by the two podcasts.

It is my hope that as more women come forward, the industry trades will start covering the story and we will hopefully see something from the Hollywood Reporter and Variety.

Navigating Betrayal: Reconciling Admiration with Disillusionment

Like many Neil Gaiman fans this month, I've been shocked and distressed by the news regarding the SA allegations. I won't go over the details, as they're readily available online. I'll start by saying that I believe the accusers, and even the most lenient interpretation of events is still troubling enough to discredit Gaiman. For a long time, I didn't know what to say. I was just shocked and, somewhat naively, felt betrayed. I don't typically idolize actors, authors, or other public figures—I'm here for the characters, they're who I love and believe in. So, how did I end up believing in this man and his rhetoric?

I only had a parasocial relationship with him, which is to say no real relationship at all. But I took his Masterclass on writing, spent hours taking notes, and learned from him. I feel betrayed by someone I saw as a beloved teacher. I know this is insignificant compared to what the women who came forward experienced, but it's a valid feeling, and I needed time to process it. My initial reaction was to throw out and discount everything he’s ever written or done—of course it was.

This isn't just about my love for Good Omens, although how can it not be? I learned so much from this man—about writing, about not being too hard on myself, about the creative process. I read his books to my middle school classes, and we all learned how to be better people from them. Today, I saw and bought Instructions, a children’s book by Neil Gaiman illustrated by Charles Vess, from the used bookstore where I volunteer. It was a used copy, so no royalties will go to him. It’s a beautifully illustrated book where the main character walks through a land that clearly symbolizes life, learning lessons like saying please and "if any creature cries to you that it hurts, if you can, ease its pain." How could someone write this and then do what he did? I asked myself. "What an evil hypocrite," was my first thought. But then I recalled a line from another author, Stephen King. In The Stand, a character is described as "awake at the lectern, but asleep at the switch," meaning they know the right thing to do and can talk about it, but in the moment of choice, they act without integrity.

I don’t know if I’m making sense, but I think it’s too easy to label Gaiman as simply evil, as if he intentionally manipulated us by saying the right things just to make us read or watch his creations. The reality is likely far more complicated. Within this man is the amazing, thought-provoking, life-affirming wisdom that many of us have tried to live by, but also the hard, thoughtless, selfish cruelty that led him to abuse young, vulnerable women. The wisdom does not justify the abuse, and the abuse does not nullify the wisdom.

I think it's too simplistic to say Gaiman is despicable and always has been, hiding it from us all along. This doesn't acknowledge the complexity of human nature—that there is potential for both good and bad within us all. As it’s said, possibly by Terry Pratchett or possibly by Neil Gaiman, “It may help to understand human affairs to be clear that most of the great triumphs and tragedies of history are caused, not by people being fundamentally good or fundamentally bad, but by people being fundamentally people.”

Gaiman is a man who has done some fundamentally good things and some fundamentally bad things. I can’t forget either one.

This is just my opinion. I know some people want to cancel him, while others want to exonerate him. You do you. As for me, I will continue to love Aziraphale and Crowley. I will continue to read and create fan-fiction. I will continue to find comfort and wisdom in books that have meant so much to me over the years. But I will also remember that they were created by a very flawed man whom I can no longer trust.

Neil Gaiman is not a monster. But he is a man who has done monstrous things in terms of preying on vulnerable women, gaslighting them, outright lying (telling one survivor that he kept fans at an arms length and that she was the first fan he had ever had a relationship with when he had been in multiple relationships over the course of decades), and committing intimate partner violence within consensual relationships using the language of BDSM but not continually checking in with intimate partners about negotiated boundaries, setting up safe words, ensuring enthusiastic consent, and providing sufficient aftercare.

Personally my hope is that the bright light shone on the first person accounts of the five women who have come forward so far will limit his ability to use the same tactics in the future.

I genuinely hope that the man I thought I knew for 30 plus years was not a complete fiction. That the kindness he showed me and others was genuine and not in any way calculated as protective camouflage. That he is capable of acknowledging the harm he has done, and the deliberate choices that he made to hurt someone else in order to get what he wanted, and willing to seek help for sexual addiction and what would appear on the surface to be seriously unresolved issues from his early life.

The fucked up thing though is that humans have always behaved like this. We just have the internet now.

And please don’t mistake this for resignation or apathy or anything other than disgust.

But I just keep coming back to the point that human beings are capable of truly terrifying, horrible things.

So I feel like we’ve got to remember that most people don’t do terrible things. But we’re all capable of them.

And I don’t fault anyone for being devastated to learn that someone they respected did indeed to terrible things. It would feel wild to call someone foolish or stupid or naïve because their first instinct was to believe that someone is decent. They’re not anything like that other than someone who was lied to.

I actually do think as a society we are in fact getting better about calls for justice in situations like this.

But people who behave like NG…people who do these things…their personalities are a cancer. And we can do what we can to try to prevent things like this from happening. But I don’t think we can stop it all from happening. It’s never going to disappear completely.

But we can continue to listen to victims. And we can continue to be vocal about demanding justice and accountability.

The court of public opinion and the legal system both fail terribly at times, especially in situations like this. Another flaw of human nature, I think.

The “I’ll wait for the legal system to decide” argument isn’t really helpful here. Because SA allegations / abuse are some of the hardest things to prove in a court of law. And there have been legitimate actual cases in which victims have come forward with allegations, there was no evidence to be found/the evidence wasn’t “good enough” and these victims were instead actually CHARGED with filing false reports. So putting all of the onus or faith in the law here just… again… isn’t helpful.

Sometimes the justice can be best served by demanding consequences that aren’t legal punishments. There are petitions to remove NG from his positions as a writer/showrunner in these shows we love.

Sometimes just making sure the word is spread is the push to topple the dominos.

As others have said and continue to say, you can do both terrible and great things. And they don’t cancel each other out. Doing great things doesn’t make the terrible ones any less terrible. Doing terrible things doesn’t make the great things any less great. Two truths can exist at once.

Sure, we can argue that continuing to consume NG’s work is continuing to put money in his pocket. Yeah. But once again, as far as my random internet user opinion.

I experienced some very similar things to what his victims said they experienced in these interviews. And they wrecked my life in no uncertain terms. I’ll never “come back from that” because we don’t. We just keep going forward having to carry that. It doesn’t go away.

But my abusers took so much from me. And the good things I got out of those relationships are made so much more important because of how much suffering they cost.

Sidebar, but that’s something that I see people using in their arguments for why the “abuse” allegations weren’t real or “that bad.” Because the victims went back. Or they continued to stay. Or continued to pursue. Listen. When you go through all of THAT, it is so common to scramble to keep what you perceive are the “good things” you get out of that dynamic/relationship. Or you convince yourself that it’s not as bad as all that. Because, god. “I went through all of that and they STILL LEFT.” “I gave them (they took) all of THAT and I still wasn’t good enough for them.” It’s this survival element where we have to convince ourselves all of that suffering we went through was WORTH IT. Or, the gaslighting gets imbedded and we believe it must have been our fault. “Yes, they treated me badly, but I must have done something to deserve it. They told me it was my fault. Everyone else loves them. I did something wrong.” Yeah. NO.

So if you can separate yourself from that abuser - get far enough away to have the clarity and perspective to finally say “no, that was fucking real what happened. That was abuse. They’re an abuser.” I say, anything “good” you got out of that - take it and fucking run.