Parallel Universe

everything is okay.

i am okay.

i am.

others be like: “oh I baked some cake”, “done working out!”, “gonna be the next famous painter”, “yea im now a tiktokerist”, “learning new skills” etc.  

me: *staring at the ceiling*

i’ve lost track of time. can’t even count the number of days i’ve spent in my room, place that once was my safe haven now feels more like a jail, i cannot leave. i can’t remember the last time we had conversations that didn’t involve the pandemic, the government and all the bad news happening in the world and it feels insensitive to discuss about anything else. everything now ruins my sanity. i’m becoming more paranoid. being an empath is really the hardest these days. but i can’t help but feel everything and everyone around me. nights have been my new mornings. sleeping no earlier than 3am and waking up after noon is my new routine. it really feels like i’m doing this whole “quarantine game” wrong for not doing anything, not even accomplishing a simple task, not taking advantage of this given overload free time. the days seem intimidating as they pass by depressingly. but it’s okay to not be okay. most days i feel so empty and inner thoughts have been so loud, i can barely manage. family and friends have always been there but i still feel so disconnected. (now playing: modern loneliness, lauv). most of the time I really feel like a big inconvenience to everyone. i don’t wanna bother them with my own drama. so here’s me trying to pull myself up and reminding myself that it’s okay to not do anything or accomplish something big everyday because having the courage to rise and get out of my bed to eat with my family and talk to my dogs are already something to be proud of in these dark times. 

it just that there are times in a day when you just feel like reminiscing and fantasizing about those days when everything’s normal. i miss normal days like getting late at work because of the traffic, i miss my messy desk in the office. i miss the sound of the busy streets. i miss having dinner with my team after shift. i miss having unplanned dates with my friends. window shopping with renzeh. staying up late with friends at a coffee shop. visiting my friends on weekends. being busy with a lot of things even when it’s depressing. i miss planning events. i miss scheduling travels. i miss cancelling things because i’m already loaded. i miss getting pissed by normal things. i miss having a convo abt random stuff and our own vulnerabilities with just one specific person. i miss every person in my life. i miss everything that makes me feel more human. mostly, i miss myself. i miss living life. (np: changes, lauv)

"in the rush to return to normal, use this time to consider which parts of normal are worth rushing back to”

thinking about this quote, those things i miss are the ones that we never gave importance to back then because it’s normal but time like this is when we realize that those normal things are special to not miss. those are the ones i look forward to the most when we’re finally back to normal, when we’re now allowed to go out without the need of wearing face masks. gonna feel every person in my life without social distancing and no longer just through digital. i’ll live life like everyday is my last day. but for now, let’s settle for what we can only do through social media, i’ll try to reach out more, keep on messaging special people even when i don’t get any reply. i’ll try to stay connected even when i feel so disconnected with myself. pls bare with me. 

if you’re doing well in this lockdown, i’m sincerely happy for you.

but if you’re like me who’s struggling like everyday is a silent battle, just keep on fighting. get a hold of yourself. we can do this. 

i know this will soon pass. let’s live healthy and stay safe. 

love,

2018! Thank you, next.

This year taught me so much about self love. When this year started, I already expected this to be a tough cookie. I felt the need to be stronger and wiser. Big decisions were done and a lot of confusing moments. This year took away my positivity. This year, I hated myself for being me. This year was too depressing and nobody knew, nobody noticed. I’ve fought too many silent battles. I’ve been through so many things I never talked about. I cried myself to sleep every night. I never felt so alone before. I was taken for granted, misinterpreted, misunderstood and unloved. I felt so worthless.

Last year, I lost some friends.

This year, I lost myself.

I was scared to enter 2018 because I knew it would be hard and it was harder than I thought. I wasn’t ready for it.

I think I’ve gotten better at hiding and keeping everything to myself.

I would like to apologize to all the people I hurt while I was trying to heal myself. I am sorry if by any chance, I made you feel less of a human because I was trying to up myself. Sorry if I may be one of the toxic people in your life, I never intended to be. I am really sorry if there were times I was too selfish to only think about my own feelings. I just couldn’t take it anymore. I felt the need to be there for myself because no one was there for me. Sorry if you hated me.

One thing I realized this year, I need to be still and love myself more to survive. When nobody celebrates you, learn to celebrate yourself. Your happiness, courage and feelings should not be up to others, it should come from yourself.

Even if I thought about taking my life for a hundred times, I still think about God for a thousand times. I’m still thankful I have this life, I have feelings and I have Him. The only reason why I am still here. All thanks to you my Lord.

2018, still thank you for all amazing memories in between battles. And thank you for all these gold people. I love you.

1. People who love me and believe in me.

2. People who only love me but don’t believe in me.