HERO / 𝒉𝒆𝒓 𝒐𝒘𝒏

feel   free   to   edit   pronouns   /   anything.

‘  every time someone asks __ for a selfie and says “I never do this” I think back to the night we met when I said it but not about selfies.  ’ 

‘  hate this macbook relationship. “when do you want to update?” “later” “later today or later tomorrow?” oh my god just fucking LATER.  ’ 

‘  i always have a note in my pocket that says “___ did it” just in case i’m murdered because i don’t want him to remarry.  ’

‘  i think a good rule of thumb is to never play “fuck/marry/kill” between other couples you are currently sitting with.  ’

‘   remember that one time I went into a store because I liked a dress on the mannequin but it turned out to be a mannequin store.  ’

‘  my favorite part about my anniversary dinner was the girl who came to our table who john used to bone and also the sea bass.  ’

‘  i’m at the age where I want to eat beef stew but then still go “be around cool people” after.  ’

‘  chicken pot pies aren’t talked about enough.  ’

‘  trump became president the same year people started eating tide pods.  ’

‘  i just read the theory that snapchat is using filters to sell our facial recognition to the CIA but i’m not even mad because i look sooo cute.  ’

‘  yikes. don’t google “cream pies”, google cream pie recipe.  ’

‘  i am good for a single outdoor activity for about 15 minutes.   ’

‘  just cried at the amazon prime commercial with the dog lion. i relate to this heavily.  ’

‘  i am the pettiest.  ’

‘   my tamagotchi lasted one hour. ___ made me disable it.  ’

‘  sometimes I catch myself holding my nail lady’s hand back and realize the extent of my loneliness.  ’

‘   remember when that whole foods photo was going around everyone was like “who the fuck would buy a peeled orange” well the answer is me.  ’

‘  4:30am, eating a sausage mcmuffin and looking up the gestation period of animals.  ’

‘  i could go like…4 hours before I would excitedly tell someone I was a spy.  ’

‘  the only skill i am currently working on is getting a 5.0 uber rating and i am not fucking kidding.  ’

‘   i don’t even get what a bb cream is and now you’re telling me there is a cc.  ’

‘  i honestly couldn’t date someone that had the audacity to have a too-large carry on bag.  ’

‘   the best revenge really is being nice. OR MURDER.  ’

‘   sometimes i think i just rant so i can say, “ugh, I need a drink”. then i get to drinking.  ’

‘  threw up in the cab into a bag of cool ranch doritos. this hangover is no joke. also i’m pretty sad about my doritos.  ’

‘  why the fuck do frozen foods assume your drunk ass knows the wattage of your microwave? my sober ass doesn’t even know.  ’

‘  do you ever feel like your dog is disappointed in you.  ’

‘   i am basically just refreshing websites until i fucking die i guess.  ’

‘  i have not put my phone down once today. my hand, it aches. my eyes, dry. my pettiness… my pettiness has somehow maintained its strength.  ’

‘  what is a tattoo you wanted when you were younger but, thankfully, never got? mine is kermit.  ’

‘  drinking game for tonight is to never stop.  ’

‘  some people are just hell bent on being the fucking worst.  ’

‘  RECEIPTS. YESSSS.  ’