YOUNGFIRE

Life is decent but I’ve not been dreaming. Can’t remember the last time I let myself feel whimsical.

I’m going to start again soon. I’ve far too many thoughts, too many musings to keep cooped up in my head.

Couple of things to look forward to, maybe even more after that but it’s too early to say anything yet.

I’m nowhere near being able to achieve these things right now, especially when dealing with the realities of life.

“Don’t like your present? Work to make your future better.”

Birthday came and went. I stayed at home alone the whole day. 

It really is okay.

I don’t celebrate my birthdays anyway. I’d rather celebrate moments in my life. That would motivate me to do things that would give me reason to celebrate.

Well, that’s mostly true. Deep down a part of me still wants to celebrate a birthday with one special person. It could be a close friend or a special person in my life (hah!) at a special location, preferably overseas and beautiful.

Something about having just that one person there. The snug comfort of finding great joy in small moments. It runs in direct contrast with having a big party where you invite people to come together to celebrate you and even bring presents. The introvert in me is scared by that.

Life hasn’t been that great and I’ve been keeping all the thoughts that colour my mind in but that isn’t the best of things. It is precisely in moments like these that these thoughts need to be expressed.

Some may accuse me of being a dreamer. Out of touch with the real world.

But that’s alright really. I’d rather be a dreamer than not one.

Sometimes, I adore the beauty expressed in a song. Once in a while, it’s fun to get into it and really feel the words of a song like this one. I wish life provided more moments like these.

I don’t know what it is about this picture of Jane the Virgin actor Justin Baldoni’s baby. Maybe it’s a #lifegoals thing.

It almost makes me want a baby too. She’s so adorable. I can’t deal with how adorable she looks.

I haven’t fed my brain with anything lately. It hasn’t been engaged or fed provoking thoughts of learning.I haven’t read anything that fascinated me.

I need to be reading more and start nourishing my mind again.

Maybe that will banish the stagnation of my life right now.

It was only a few weeks ago, in the quiet nights that I came to the sobering conclusion that if I wasn’t in this world, the only person I would be hurting is my mother. 

But for someone who gave so much of herself to raise me, it would not have been fair to her if I was gone. I honestly think that everyone else could move on with their lives just fine. It’s not that I’m thinking of leaving. My soul isn’t mine anyway, it belongs to God and He decides. I just think that if I wasn’t around, people wouldn’t be affected because I’m only a footnote in their lives.

I’m scared. Being jobless is scary when your bills are chasing you. I’m trying to get a job as soon as I can but it’s hard. Looking to temporary jobs now. Anything at this point.

But I must remember not to shut myself off. Remember to ask after people I care about. I’m scared but I must be strong.

Emotionally, I’m curled up in the fetal position with this song.

I’m scared. Being jobless is bringing about real dire financial consequences. It was alright when I had a job. Now I don’t and the walls are closing in.

I made a little deal with myself that I wouldn’t listen/watch any of Megan’s new stuff till I got a job. So it could be a reward, something I could enjoy with genuine peace of mind.

But I’m scared now. I believe in God and His plan and have faith in Him but I’m scared to be patient now.

I want to go to my friends, but who do I bother with such dire news? How do I begin? It’s embarrassing.

I was left rather disappointed yesterday.

I was talking to my friends about football jerseys and how if I had the means to, I would get Alex Morgan’s jersey and wear it.

That’s her. She’s a forward for the US Women’s National Team and plays at club level as well. She’s 26 years old and has scored 53 goals in 92 international appearances.

The reaction that I received from my friends was one of disgust. They said that they could never wear a female football player’s jersey. They carried on further by saying that women should stay away from football, and that they never want female football to get as big as the men’s game.

The kicker is that they said that they were probably sexist but they didn’t care.

Frankly, I was left shocked and disgusted by their reaction. 

This, after we talked about how impressive it was that MMA brand UFC would have 2 women’s matches co-main-eventing a 75,000 stadium venue in Australia and would be counting on them to sell out the seats and break attendance records.

Apparently, female empowerment is alright, just as long as it’s not in their ‘backyard’. 

“Football is a men’s game, and women should stay away.”

“We watch football to escape from women.”

Argh.

Look, I’ll put my cards out on the table. Is Alex Morgan attractive? I’m a hetero man, so I’ll say yes. I’d be lying otherwise. But psychologically, I am programmed to be attracted to good-looking women in any field.

But I think it’s important that I have respect for her and her prowess as an athlete. I want the women’s game to grow and I want to enjoy good football games, regardless of the gender playing.

The women’s game is its own game. It will always be separate from the men’s game. I would even accept and agree that it’s not as good as the top level men’s game. But all that means is that it can develop at its own pace, develop its own stories and create its own legends. It is different. But it deserves to be respected in its own right and most definitely not get mocked,  and not be wished that it stays away from mainstream recognition. There is space for both in the world of sport.

I know people are all allowed to have their own thoughts and opinions.

That’s fair.

This was passed on to me today.

I’ve always, always wanted to do one of Shakespeare’s Roman Empire plays. I would have preferred Julius Caesar or Anthony and Cleopatra but Coriolanus is a fascinating story nonetheless.

I feel like this is a sign.

But unfortunately, it’s an expensive sign ($450) and I can’t afford that sign right now.

Still, I can’t help but imagine which monologue I would audition with. I feel like that monologue could go really well or really badly.

Maybe one day, another time.

Please don’t.

Just as I was leaving school, I saw on social media that my cousin’s girlfriend had just given birth, making it the 3rd birth my cousins in Australia have had in 2015.

So I secretly pilfered their photos for this post.

I like babies fine enough but this bunch have me really happy and smiling for my cousins. We don’t speak too often and we’ve led different lives but the love is there.

I’m also rather envious jealous of their cool mixed heritage and cool names.

From top to bottom:

1. Ava 2. Harlem looking at his younger brother Montell 3. Malik 4. Fresh out of the oven Kingston!

I’m not saying I want babies of my own but I’d love to play with these adorable little people. I also wish I had a buttload of cash to spoil them with.